Difficult situation with friend

[redgingersocks]

My MIL (93) had a bad fall late last year and after spending time in hospital, respite unit and she is now a permanent care home resident. All during this time my bestest friend has not once been in contact to check on her progress or even how we are dealing with the horrible situation.

She msged me mid December around 2 wks after the fall to thank me for her birthday present and I asked was she aware of MIL's situation - she replied she was as her husband (also my husband's best friend) had informed her. So I asked did she not think a text or msg would of been nice to see how everyone was getting on. She replied with "I've been busy with birthdays" I was astonished by her reply and said I was disappointed she couldn't find 5 mins just to drop a msg and I havent been in contact with her since, nor her with me.

I dont want to lose our friendship but still feel very angry by her attitude, I told her at the time if the tables had been turned and if it was her mum I would of been round to help like a shot.

I asked was she aware of MIL's situation - she replied she was as her husband (also my husband's best friend) had informed her.
What did your husband say to her husband? Did he tell his friend how serious the fall was?
And why didn't you tell her what had happened? As you didn't contact her, maybe she thought you needed some private time?

Just to add to above, you have absolutely no idea what's going on in her life behind the scenes.

Another one here who thinks you were rude and OTT. If I’d got the sort of message you sent her, I’d be reconsidering our friendship tbh.

IMO you need to reach out and apologise

I agree with this strategy, if you’d like to continue the friendship. You can just explain it’s been a stressful time and you might have taken it out on her.

This. I wouldn’t expect to text someone about a friends MIL if I was her, and wouldn’t expect it in your position either (husband or child maybe). You were rude and she’s probably understandably pissed off. If you want to keep the friendship I’d apologise for being OTT.

YABU

It takes a few seconds to text to someone.

Your best friend should check in with you surely?

Yes it's your MIL but you obviously sound close and it sounds like it's been very stressful.

I check in on my best friend because she is my closest friend and I want to make sure she is ok. She does for me too.

If people cba extending a little empathy to the people around them, why bother having friends?

And then so many people moan on here they have no friends.

It takes effort to maintain friendships and no not expecting to be in each other's pocket or messaging every day. But kindness goes a long way. And it's severly lacking these days because everyone is me, me, me. Until it is their turn to need your help of course.

This is why I have about 6 friends and others that are acquaintances. My circle is smaller but richer. We all reciprocate for each other. And yes we can go a few weeks without messaging but we see each other regularly. My best friend I message every 1 to 2 days because it's important to her. I see her weekly usually.

And I'm ND. I do this because my friends are important to me.

Agreed. In the last 8 months, I was diagnosed with cancer and had major surgery, my mum (75) was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer and died 4 weeks later, and my FIL (76) died very unexpectedly.

Very few people, including people I thought of as close friends, check in. It’s surprising, in some ways, but people are consumed with their own lives.

Unless a friend was absolutely run ragged by caring for her mil or her dh was being an a hole about it all it wouldn't be on the radar even slightly. Her own mother, then yes, I'd be checking in.

Me and my close friends might ask how the friends actual Mums are if something was wrong and would provide comfort if it was a n actual bereavement but literally just some empathic words but a MIL? I mean it’s way OTT. I wouldn’t expect my best mates to run around after me for any relative even though recently my Dad had a stroke. I just dealt with it . It’s not like they can do anything. It’s part of life that relatives get old and sick and have falls and you need to get a bit of resilience and stop expecting people to fawn all over you just because one of your non blood relatives who she probably has any real emotional connection with is poorly. She has her own life and it doesn’t always revolve around you! I think you need to learn better coping skills.

I think this is a you problem actually

I have a friend who asks after my parents every time I see her. Absolutely does my head in and I only ever give a vague reply. I find it intrusive and weird. When my MIL was dying I shared only the vaguest details with even my very closest friend. I think you’re expecting too much!

dont you think maybe shes got her own stuff going on ? No need for you to call her and tell her off like a child.

So I asked did she not think a text or msg would of been nice to see how everyone was getting on

Any friend who tried that sarky kind of comment on me would be well on their way to being an ex-friend. Do you really talk to people like this?

I have a different view from most on this.

@redgingersocks are you saying that your best friend has not been in contact with you since December?!!

Even if she thought you were out of order for telling her off back in December, surely she could understand you were under a lot of stress?

if you were my best mate I’d have given you a pass and absolutely checked in on you in nearly SIX MONTHS to see how you were. She sounds like she’s a totally shit friend.

I told her at the time if the tables had been turned and if it was her mum I would of been round to help like a shot.

But it wasn't your mum, it was your MIL.

I think your reaction was over the top. Its your mil not your mother and sounds like your making the situation all about you. Everyone has work, family and their own lives to be dealing with for all you know she might have stuff going on you don't know about

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to be hurt, but I also wouldn’t have it called it out.

However it’s been 6 months so that friendship is probably dead in the water. Maybe you weren’t as close as you believed?

I wouldn't expect anything from my friends if my MIL was in bad health, nor would I worry about my friends if it was their MIL. If it was their own mother it would be different.

If it was your mother, yes she should have been right there supporting you, but it’s your mil and not actually a big deal. Mil didn’t die, she had a fall like lots of older people. The onus is on the dhs to support one another - not your friend.

You are making this into a very big deal, when it’s a storm in a teacup.

I would call her and apologise, explain you were stressed and upset at the time, and shouldn’t have put that on her. You could offer to make her dinner and tell her you will be low maintenance from now on.

"...if it was her mum I would of [sic] been round to help like a shot."

But it wasn't your mum, it was your mother-in-law.

It wouldn’t occur to me to ask after my friends MIL.

Does your friend have her own life things going on? A friend of mine recently asked me if I was angry with or ignoring her. I’d just spent 5 months dealing with my own health problems, my DH mental breakdown, an eviction, and a pet death. I’d gone into a hole and hadn’t reached out to anyone because I was on auto pilot, but then found afterwards that a couple of people thought I had fallen out with them, when I’d honestly just gone into survival mode dragging us through the days.

I also wouldn't check in on a friends 93 year old MIL who has fallen and was in hospital. I would maybe ask in a more general way if we met up but I wouldn't think to text and check in. At 93 I would assume there are a lot of health/age related issues going on and I would feel too far removed (friend's husband's mother or husband's friend's mother) to need updates.

I think, unfortunately, that friendships die when one party decides to scold the other for not acting the way they expect. Your friend is not your child, she doesn't need to be told off by you. I think you could apologise and she might accept it, but there is no way you can have a relaxed and comfortable friendship again. It will always linger.

My best friends MIL just had a major surgery. I have not inquired about it and I’m not going to.

Had my best friend just had major surgery, I’d be asking after her.

Whats going on in peoples extended lives is too much for me to keep track of, because I have my own life to keep track of.

Maybe reflect on what it is you really want from your friend. Although I imagine she couldn’t give a crap anymore because you’ve vastly over stepped yourself in your messages.

Not your best friend then, if you haven’t spoken in 6 months! I wouldn’t expect anyone to ask after your MIL unless they knew her personally.