Hi it’s my first time posting here. Would really appreciate it if anybody can relate to either side of my story or can offer any advice or insight.
We’re in our thirties and we’ve been married for 10 years. We’ve 3 young kids and married life is hitting hard. We’re quite opposite in personalities and that is seeping into lot of arguments. Funnily enough, it was the differences that drew me to him when I met him. But now almost everyday I regret marrying him and wish instead that I had met someone more like me, calmer and more rational.
He has a ton of great qualities and he’s a great dad. But the one thing that I struggle with him is his anger. He can get angry over little things - like if I ran the tap too much, or scuffed the paintwork, or cook something wrong, or didn’t dress right etc etc.
In the early days of the marriage, I used to listen and used to think that I just had to do it his way to make him happy. Over time, I’m growing tired of his silly insistences and would try to explain or rationalise my actions - and boom, that leads to anger and arguments. He is completely unable to handle a disagreement in a calm or civil manner. He feels like he’s being challenged and refuses to listen to a different view point or ever agree that I am allowed to have a different opinion than him. I find that the more I try and argue back or defend myself, the worse the argument gets. He shouts louder, he starts swearing everything under the sun, even words I don’t know the meaning of, and just insults and rants.. frankly he’s just quite vile when he gets into that. It’s almost like he has to get all anger out and he goes back to his usual self again much later. The only way to instantly calm him down is to accept that I made a mistake and apologise (even when nothing was ever my fault). Even when he’s finally calm, he’s very preachy, and I just nod and accept whatever he says just to avoid a repeat of the whole thing.
It’s downright awful to be on the receiving end of being scolded and shouted at, and I don’t communicate well in the best of circumstances. I tend to clam up and try and weather it, but that provokes him even more and he says that I don’t say anything. I keep telling him that what he’s doing is not a conversation and I can’t talk to him if he’s not calm. But it just doesn’t get through to him in that moment. Sometimes, I get so overwhelmed and angry that I argue back and at the end, I’m not even sure what started it all off.
My brain works a very different way to his, I would solve problems in quite a detached way, by talking without getting feelings involved, very practical and straightforward. But he is a very emotional person, and he wants a full back and forth passionate heated conversation. But I can’t do that, I don’t cope well with raised voices and being shouted at. I struggle with emotional resilience and we struggle to connect because he’s all fired up and I’m halfway shutting down because I can’t cope.
He’s very caring and overly so - he feels too much and wants me to give him so much attention and care than I am capable of and I honestly have time for.. His point is that he pays a lot of attention to everything, and expects me to do the same for him. He loves very deeply and possessively, and in turn expects a lot. So in his mind he naturally feels hurt when I’m doing something that he doesn’t like. But it’s the way he reacts to disagreements that I’m completely overwhelmed with. Even a simple conversation about what to make for dinner tomorrow would suddenly spin out of control if I disagree with him and he would just rant and swear. The issue itself doesn’t really matter, something about my attitude or my tone would be enough to set him.
Being quiet didn’t help, explaining myself didn’t help, defending myself or asserting my feelings made it much worse, fighting with him about it also just destroys us both, and now I’m back to being quiet because I feel defeated. I’ve realised I can’t change him or help him. His anger and the way he responds is entirely in his control. And I can only choose to control my own feelings to not give into reacting. Nowadays, when I see that he’s starting to go off, I tell him firmly that I’m not going to take part in the conversation is he’s not talking in a calm manner, without shouting or swearing. If he continues, I’ll try and leave the room. It takes a huge amount of control for me to not react to all insults or rude things he’s saying, and sometimes I have the presence of mind to tell myself that I just need to focus on not reacting. Because if I react and respond, it does not end well for either of us because it’s always him that wins the shouting match. Many times I don’t make it and the stress of it overwhelms me.
If I could have my life over, I know I wouldn’t choose him. But I chose him and this is my life and I have to see through it for my family’s sake. I’m by no means a perfect woman or wife. I have have a lot of faults too in the marriage. But I feel like this ranting, swearing, and shouting is just unacceptable. Are there any practical things I can do to keep my sanity, to stay calm when being shouted at, to keep my mental self protected from his harshness? How do I stop myself becoming overwhelmed, because I need to protect myself for the sake of being a calm parent for my kids.
Sometimes he apologises for swearing, but not always. Sometimes he would just completely try and justify it with his own reasons the next day. Once he’s got it out of his system, he’s back to his loving self. Then I’m left like whiplashed and confused trying to work out whether there was any substance within his rant or if he was just in an uncontrollable anger mood? Leaving him is not an option at the moment, for the sake of the kids and extended family, I’m trying to put my best efforts in to see if we can come out the other end better.
I know I haven’t really asked a specific question, but I’m just writing to see if there is anyone out there who has been in similar situation? What helps you stay calm when your partner is angry with you and ranting at you? Are there any helpful coping mechanisms or calming techniques I can practise to deal with this sort of conflict?
Thanks in advance!