Coping when husband is ranting

[AnOverwhelmedMum]

Hi it’s my first time posting here. Would really appreciate it if anybody can relate to either side of my story or can offer any advice or insight.

We’re in our thirties and we’ve been married for 10 years. We’ve 3 young kids and married life is hitting hard. We’re quite opposite in personalities and that is seeping into lot of arguments. Funnily enough, it was the differences that drew me to him when I met him. But now almost everyday I regret marrying him and wish instead that I had met someone more like me, calmer and more rational.

He has a ton of great qualities and he’s a great dad. But the one thing that I struggle with him is his anger. He can get angry over little things - like if I ran the tap too much, or scuffed the paintwork, or cook something wrong, or didn’t dress right etc etc.

In the early days of the marriage, I used to listen and used to think that I just had to do it his way to make him happy. Over time, I’m growing tired of his silly insistences and would try to explain or rationalise my actions - and boom, that leads to anger and arguments. He is completely unable to handle a disagreement in a calm or civil manner. He feels like he’s being challenged and refuses to listen to a different view point or ever agree that I am allowed to have a different opinion than him. I find that the more I try and argue back or defend myself, the worse the argument gets. He shouts louder, he starts swearing everything under the sun, even words I don’t know the meaning of, and just insults and rants.. frankly he’s just quite vile when he gets into that. It’s almost like he has to get all anger out and he goes back to his usual self again much later. The only way to instantly calm him down is to accept that I made a mistake and apologise (even when nothing was ever my fault). Even when he’s finally calm, he’s very preachy, and I just nod and accept whatever he says just to avoid a repeat of the whole thing.

It’s downright awful to be on the receiving end of being scolded and shouted at, and I don’t communicate well in the best of circumstances. I tend to clam up and try and weather it, but that provokes him even more and he says that I don’t say anything. I keep telling him that what he’s doing is not a conversation and I can’t talk to him if he’s not calm. But it just doesn’t get through to him in that moment. Sometimes, I get so overwhelmed and angry that I argue back and at the end, I’m not even sure what started it all off.

My brain works a very different way to his, I would solve problems in quite a detached way, by talking without getting feelings involved, very practical and straightforward. But he is a very emotional person, and he wants a full back and forth passionate heated conversation. But I can’t do that, I don’t cope well with raised voices and being shouted at. I struggle with emotional resilience and we struggle to connect because he’s all fired up and I’m halfway shutting down because I can’t cope.

He’s very caring and overly so - he feels too much and wants me to give him so much attention and care than I am capable of and I honestly have time for.. His point is that he pays a lot of attention to everything, and expects me to do the same for him. He loves very deeply and possessively, and in turn expects a lot. So in his mind he naturally feels hurt when I’m doing something that he doesn’t like. But it’s the way he reacts to disagreements that I’m completely overwhelmed with. Even a simple conversation about what to make for dinner tomorrow would suddenly spin out of control if I disagree with him and he would just rant and swear. The issue itself doesn’t really matter, something about my attitude or my tone would be enough to set him.

Being quiet didn’t help, explaining myself didn’t help, defending myself or asserting my feelings made it much worse, fighting with him about it also just destroys us both, and now I’m back to being quiet because I feel defeated. I’ve realised I can’t change him or help him. His anger and the way he responds is entirely in his control. And I can only choose to control my own feelings to not give into reacting. Nowadays, when I see that he’s starting to go off, I tell him firmly that I’m not going to take part in the conversation is he’s not talking in a calm manner, without shouting or swearing. If he continues, I’ll try and leave the room. It takes a huge amount of control for me to not react to all insults or rude things he’s saying, and sometimes I have the presence of mind to tell myself that I just need to focus on not reacting. Because if I react and respond, it does not end well for either of us because it’s always him that wins the shouting match. Many times I don’t make it and the stress of it overwhelms me.

If I could have my life over, I know I wouldn’t choose him. But I chose him and this is my life and I have to see through it for my family’s sake. I’m by no means a perfect woman or wife. I have have a lot of faults too in the marriage. But I feel like this ranting, swearing, and shouting is just unacceptable. Are there any practical things I can do to keep my sanity, to stay calm when being shouted at, to keep my mental self protected from his harshness? How do I stop myself becoming overwhelmed, because I need to protect myself for the sake of being a calm parent for my kids.

Sometimes he apologises for swearing, but not always. Sometimes he would just completely try and justify it with his own reasons the next day. Once he’s got it out of his system, he’s back to his loving self. Then I’m left like whiplashed and confused trying to work out whether there was any substance within his rant or if he was just in an uncontrollable anger mood? Leaving him is not an option at the moment, for the sake of the kids and extended family, I’m trying to put my best efforts in to see if we can come out the other end better.

I know I haven’t really asked a specific question, but I’m just writing to see if there is anyone out there who has been in similar situation? What helps you stay calm when your partner is angry with you and ranting at you? Are there any helpful coping mechanisms or calming techniques I can practise to deal with this sort of conflict?

Thanks in advance!

I think the OP has gone.

I am sorry he is not a good dad, and he is a fucking awful husband- he is vile, nasty and aggressive- all he wants to do is dominate whether thats in argument (by shouting louder) or by ‘loving you more’ - its not loving you passionately its controlling!!!

Please do not stay together because of the kids - they can hear, and they can see - the way you (and ultimately them) are treated. How will this end when your kids are arguing with him as grown ups???

He is an awful role model and quite frankly I would want to safeguard my kids from his dreadful, behaviour.

Many abusive men use the kids as weapons against the mother because they know it’s her Achilles heel. To an abuser it’s about punishment of the mother for she having the gall to leave him and to win. They also often try and dodge out of their financial commitments and use 50/50 as a means of avoiding maintenance payments. These men follow a script .

Do you think that these men would at all bother with their kids going forward?. No and they will use them to bash the mother about the head with. It’s not better for kids to remain within an abusive environment all the time because of the harm caused to them. Their mother can try and mitigate the harm done to the kids if she chooses to stay
but it basically does not work in the long run. .

You have a choice re your abuser,
your children do not.

It does not always follow that the kids have to spend time with an abusive parent post their parents separation. It’s not the process of divorce that causes the harm but it’s in the abusers interest to be as adversarial as possible again to punish the mother.

"He feels like he’s being challenged and refuses to listen to a different view point or ever agree that I am allowed to have a different opinion than him."

His way or the highway, textbook narcissism.
Seriously OP, google Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

This situation sounds horrendous. It’s teaching your children what they should expect to put up with in a relationship which is worrying to say the least. Demand some respect for yourself and get those kids away from that rubbish. Their childhood should be full of light and silliness not this. Take care.x

It's the parents' job to protect their children from abuse. In this situation it is clear that the children are living 24/7 in an abusive household. It is not in their interests for this to continue. Their mum can't be a good mum to them while she is being beaten down by her husband. She needs to choose them, choose herself, and stop choosing the abuser.

I think encouraging a woman to stay with a man who is abusing her is utterly reprehensible, tbh.

Exactly.

Sorry OP. I've lived with one of them I can say from bitter experience that there is absolutely nothing you can do other than walk off when he starts up. I can understand sometimes things are more complicated than the LTB brigade think. I stayed so long as I feared for my children without me around to protect them. I also couldn't afford to leave in a way that would enable me to buy him out. I knew he'd be a complete bastard if things weren't managed properly.

It's easy to say the children are better off in a calm environment 50% of the time but that really depends how dangerous the other parent might become - through neglect or physical threats.

I managed his moods through not engaging at all. Going to bed early. Our house for the most part was quite calm. It took its toll on me though. I felt dead inside by the end.

There's so much joy though when you do finally leave. Although don't expect to get yourself back straight away.

If you think your children would be safe with him and you can afford to house them on your own then I agree with other posters it's best to leave now. If not then withdraw emotionally. Give him no response, don't bother trying to get him to understand your point of view. Its wasted energy. Start planning your exit.

Good luck

Ok, Dear. You know best.

In this situation, yes, I think I do.

You definitely do.

The situation of my childhood and my experience?

Are you OK?

this is my life and I have to see through it for my family’s sake

Nope
You do not
He is not great or caring or he would recognise and go see someone about this behaviour

You can never keep him happy
Stop walking on eggshells
Walk away work out how

Everyday you stay in this situation your children are being damaged.

This abuse and nothing is going to change. What happens when he starts doing it to your children not just you.

I think you are forgetting this thread isn't about you.

What about the situation of my childhood and my experience? My mum stayed with my dad, so I had no safe space at all and tried to end my own life at 14. What about that?

Op can u give a example of the types of 5hings he says to you ?

what on earth? I disagreed with your opinion. All I can do is offer that my personal experience directly contradicts your assertions to OP that everyone will be happy ever after. I gave my opinion based on my experiences - and you said 'I know better'.

Hence my comment. Linking a rebuttal to personal experience is not making the thread about me. It a challenge to your blinkered view.

I did not expect so many of you to reply let alone read the entire thing. Thank you. Each and every one of you are saying the same thing and tbh I knew deep down that I shouldn’t be putting up with this, not to mention the kids. I’ve gone so long without being able to speak to anyone about this and here some of you have nailed it dead on with some of the things you have said.

Yes, he does the same thing to his mother (nobody else that I know of) which I find completely horrid because she never ever is rude. I have a feeling that his father was like this when he was younger and his mother just suffered it all through. But I’m not his mother and I can’t stand by when he’s ranting at the kids - my oldest is 7 and he’s starting to get edgy with my husband. But he’s only a little boy and he shouldn’t be dealing with this kind of emotional abuse. So naturally when I intervene it gets worse.

I’m sorry I can’t reply to each one but please know that I’ve read every reply and I’m taking on board what you guys are saying. I don’t want to take the kids away from him, I can only imagine he’ll turn it into a vile court battle or something like that which only further ruins their lives. Our parents are so pro-marriage, they’re from that culture where this would be so insignificant, ‘oh you just don’t react back, just let him blow his steam and he’ll be back’. I know that’s a generation who cannot see any different and I can’t change them so I’m not going to pick a battle there.

But I can’t keep living like this - this needs to change. I think I do need to seek help. The most important thing for me has been each and every single one of you saying that this is not just imagining in my head, but this is real. Thank you all sincerely.

Your children will grow up to be anxious, on edge, worrisome adults if you don’t change this situation asap.

Living in a house where they’re constantly walking on eggs shells and waiting for the next tantrum from their child of a father will effect them for life.

OP

Abuse thrives on secrecy and you will need to bust this wide open. You have indeed made a small but important step in writing about this on here and that was a brave thing to do. You know his treatment of you and in turn the kids is wrong and your son is now really beginning to pick up on what is happening.

Please consider contacting Womens Aid. If you are in the UK Boots staff in their stores will direct you to domestic violence support services. Another option for you here is to talk to your GP and their schools and get a paper trail established. Your H is not safe enough to be around his children; he is volatile and remains so towards you all. If he is that bothered about seeing his children going forward he can see them in a contact centre. Again legal advice must be sought.

Unfortunately the parents are so very wrong here because your man is not just merely blowing back. They failed to teach you that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is wrong. Abuse in marriages and relationships cuts across all classes and creeds and cannot be ignored or minimised like they are doing. This is well outside their experience but staying is absolutely NO option for you all now. They are not married to him, you are and you know the truth re him.

His background is also telling and full of red flags; such men hate women and all of them starting with his mother. His father was violent and repeatedly so towards his mother and their child your H is very much a product of his upbringing. He sees his mother as someone who failed to protect him from being abused. Such men are often all sweetness and light towards outsiders; it is only behind closed doors their true nature emerges. A family man image is all important to abusers and in their head its always someone else's fault, never their own.

As he is abusive and wants to win at all costs he will likely make the process of divorce as long, expensive and protracted as possible as a 'punishment' to you because he hates you and all women. And after you separate he will be just as abusive towards you and the kids. The kids will go onto remove themselves from him because of the abuse. He is going to pull out all the stops here to "punish" you. You need to see a Solicitor asap and your kids also need help and now.

Is he English or another culture 🤔

I would ask op that for yourself you work out what you actually mean when you say ‘you’re staying for the kids sake.’
what about this situation is pleasant for them? Do you think they’ll thank you when they’re older for making them live full time with an abusive man?

you say your abusive husband, is copying what his dad did. It follows then that your sons will do too, and your daughters will look for a man like their dad. Do you want that for them? Break the cycle op.

Our parents are so pro-marriage, they’re from that culture where this would be so insignificant, ‘oh you just don’t react back, just let him blow his steam and he’ll be back’.

You've tried that and it has not worked. Nothing short of you all leaving him will work. It's as simple as that. It's not easy to leave but it's a damn sight harder to stay and your attempts to mitigate his abuses of you all are not working. Trying to protect yourself, let alone the kids, from his abuses of you all whilst you are all under the same roof is impossible.

What culture is that you're referring to?. No culture or creed says that abuse is not significant. They're basically telling you to put up and shut up; well the world has moved on since then. You know they are wrong on so many levels and you know they won't change their world view. Think for yourself and do not be swayed by their opinions. You have a choice re this man.