Coping when husband is ranting

[AnOverwhelmedMum]

Hi it’s my first time posting here. Would really appreciate it if anybody can relate to either side of my story or can offer any advice or insight.

We’re in our thirties and we’ve been married for 10 years. We’ve 3 young kids and married life is hitting hard. We’re quite opposite in personalities and that is seeping into lot of arguments. Funnily enough, it was the differences that drew me to him when I met him. But now almost everyday I regret marrying him and wish instead that I had met someone more like me, calmer and more rational.

He has a ton of great qualities and he’s a great dad. But the one thing that I struggle with him is his anger. He can get angry over little things - like if I ran the tap too much, or scuffed the paintwork, or cook something wrong, or didn’t dress right etc etc.

In the early days of the marriage, I used to listen and used to think that I just had to do it his way to make him happy. Over time, I’m growing tired of his silly insistences and would try to explain or rationalise my actions - and boom, that leads to anger and arguments. He is completely unable to handle a disagreement in a calm or civil manner. He feels like he’s being challenged and refuses to listen to a different view point or ever agree that I am allowed to have a different opinion than him. I find that the more I try and argue back or defend myself, the worse the argument gets. He shouts louder, he starts swearing everything under the sun, even words I don’t know the meaning of, and just insults and rants.. frankly he’s just quite vile when he gets into that. It’s almost like he has to get all anger out and he goes back to his usual self again much later. The only way to instantly calm him down is to accept that I made a mistake and apologise (even when nothing was ever my fault). Even when he’s finally calm, he’s very preachy, and I just nod and accept whatever he says just to avoid a repeat of the whole thing.

It’s downright awful to be on the receiving end of being scolded and shouted at, and I don’t communicate well in the best of circumstances. I tend to clam up and try and weather it, but that provokes him even more and he says that I don’t say anything. I keep telling him that what he’s doing is not a conversation and I can’t talk to him if he’s not calm. But it just doesn’t get through to him in that moment. Sometimes, I get so overwhelmed and angry that I argue back and at the end, I’m not even sure what started it all off.

My brain works a very different way to his, I would solve problems in quite a detached way, by talking without getting feelings involved, very practical and straightforward. But he is a very emotional person, and he wants a full back and forth passionate heated conversation. But I can’t do that, I don’t cope well with raised voices and being shouted at. I struggle with emotional resilience and we struggle to connect because he’s all fired up and I’m halfway shutting down because I can’t cope.

He’s very caring and overly so - he feels too much and wants me to give him so much attention and care than I am capable of and I honestly have time for.. His point is that he pays a lot of attention to everything, and expects me to do the same for him. He loves very deeply and possessively, and in turn expects a lot. So in his mind he naturally feels hurt when I’m doing something that he doesn’t like. But it’s the way he reacts to disagreements that I’m completely overwhelmed with. Even a simple conversation about what to make for dinner tomorrow would suddenly spin out of control if I disagree with him and he would just rant and swear. The issue itself doesn’t really matter, something about my attitude or my tone would be enough to set him.

Being quiet didn’t help, explaining myself didn’t help, defending myself or asserting my feelings made it much worse, fighting with him about it also just destroys us both, and now I’m back to being quiet because I feel defeated. I’ve realised I can’t change him or help him. His anger and the way he responds is entirely in his control. And I can only choose to control my own feelings to not give into reacting. Nowadays, when I see that he’s starting to go off, I tell him firmly that I’m not going to take part in the conversation is he’s not talking in a calm manner, without shouting or swearing. If he continues, I’ll try and leave the room. It takes a huge amount of control for me to not react to all insults or rude things he’s saying, and sometimes I have the presence of mind to tell myself that I just need to focus on not reacting. Because if I react and respond, it does not end well for either of us because it’s always him that wins the shouting match. Many times I don’t make it and the stress of it overwhelms me.

If I could have my life over, I know I wouldn’t choose him. But I chose him and this is my life and I have to see through it for my family’s sake. I’m by no means a perfect woman or wife. I have have a lot of faults too in the marriage. But I feel like this ranting, swearing, and shouting is just unacceptable. Are there any practical things I can do to keep my sanity, to stay calm when being shouted at, to keep my mental self protected from his harshness? How do I stop myself becoming overwhelmed, because I need to protect myself for the sake of being a calm parent for my kids.

Sometimes he apologises for swearing, but not always. Sometimes he would just completely try and justify it with his own reasons the next day. Once he’s got it out of his system, he’s back to his loving self. Then I’m left like whiplashed and confused trying to work out whether there was any substance within his rant or if he was just in an uncontrollable anger mood? Leaving him is not an option at the moment, for the sake of the kids and extended family, I’m trying to put my best efforts in to see if we can come out the other end better.

I know I haven’t really asked a specific question, but I’m just writing to see if there is anyone out there who has been in similar situation? What helps you stay calm when your partner is angry with you and ranting at you? Are there any helpful coping mechanisms or calming techniques I can practise to deal with this sort of conflict?

Thanks in advance!

He had done a real number on you. He isn’t ‘passionate’, he doesn’t ’love deeply’.

He’s abusive and he’s controlling.

I married an angry man, he might not explode for a year or so at a time, but it’s there. I have tried all of the ways to placate him over the last 20 years. What I’m left with is high anxiety, I jump out of my seat at loud noise and walk on egg shells, I try to preempt his mood and can quite successfully calm him, but while he feels better, I take all that shit in. It’s exhausting and like I say, we have lots of time when he’s perfectly fine - but knowing he could explode means my brain is always on high alert anyway.
I'm trying, for the first time to actually prepare to leave him, I'm terrified of telling him but otherwise i have a plan in place.
I hope you can somehow get out.

I agree he was abusive. But I'm also certain for lots of reasons I haven't written, that he was ND.

I don't think there's any reason those two things are mutually exclusive. I'm not suggesting that OP's husband is, or that that excuses his behaviour and she should stay.

Your word 'terrorised' is very accurate though, that's spot on.

@okydokethen that state of hyper vigilance is obviously mentally destructive,I sincerely hope you can get out.

He is highly abusive and controlling and your attention has to be on him at all times. Can you not see how this is destroying your children?
My parents were like this and I ended up with complex PTSD which drove me to drugs and alcohol in my 20s and 30s and has caused lifelong self esteem problems and unable to maintain relationships or live my life to the full. It's only now in my 60s I've found a kind of peace.
Is this what you want gor your children? Because you can kid yourself that you are continuing this awful relationship for them but in reality you are destroying them by staying.

Can echo what is being said here. My dad was very similar and we spent a childhood walking on eggshells. The fear if I dropped something or accidentally knocked into something, as a PP has mentioned, carries on. It takes a long time (and counselling) to move on but the effects are there. Please take your children away from this. Part of what I have to deal with is resentment towards my mum for ‘letting’ this happen. I understand all the reasons about why she stayed and why she thought keeping a family together was more important but I was a child and she didn’t protect me from this.

Your husband is abusive, it's that simple. He doesn't 'love' deeply, isn't passionate etc, he's a controlling bully. Nothing you do will ever be right, because he will constantly move the goal posts to suit himself. You are already now trying to appease him, by apologising for your 'behaviour', yet your rational brain is saying 'but I've done nothing wrong'. You are living in a household where you aren't allowed an opinion/feelings or views different from your husband. You feel like this now, how do you think it will be in another 5-10 years time? Your children will be deeply traumatized by his behaviour, and for their sake you need to protect them. That means you take steps to leave. You and your children deserve better than this poor excuse of a man.

I’m sorry OP this is abuse. My ex was like this. I still can’t be around ranty people.
please get out

Yes absolutely. I feel huge resentment towards my mother for allowing it. We have no relationship now.

The damage you would do by leaving is temporary - the damage you would do by staying is forever.

You've done a very good job of rationalising your abuser.
This was my mother, and my father, enabler.
As a child I was frightened worried, anxious.
You know this is not normal.

He is abusive and controlling. You shouldn’t be asking for advice on how to put up with it, you should be asking for advice on how to get him out of your and your children’s lives. It will be causing them massive emotional damage to witness this. Please find the strength to end this marriage.

Although I’m in a similar position and am trying to leave, I know it’s not simple. These ‘D’Hs don’t disappear if you leave.

Co parenting with someone like this a hard prospect, the children will spend time with him without me there to keep things calm, I’ll be ok out of it but I feel like I’m putting it on them to manage.

When they were little, I absolutely would not have done this to them. They are a better age now, still young but they have a relationship with their dad independent to me and will tell him with confidence if something isn’t ok and he responds much more appropriately to them than me. Perhaps because they don’t shrink away and don’t accept his behaviour or because he knows he’s unreasonable but either way, I wouldn’t worry in the same way I would have. They see him, they know when something is wrong and we talk about it, so I hope they will understand my decision but it’s at a good/calm stage so it might not make sense to them, they are so loving and forgiving of their dad, as all children are but I’m run down by it.

I think they will want to spend more time with him and this is something that’s taking quite a lot to come to terms with but i could cope with this, when they were tiny I couldn't and wouldn’t.

This is not different personality types or communication styles. This is control and abuse. And it will get worse because you are starting to push back. I feel.scared for you op.

The shouting and insistence on doing everything his way is jist one element. Alarm bells ring for me too when you reference that he always wants extra love and affection from you. I bet he has strong opinions on you going out or having friends, spending time doing hobbies or going to.the gym, what you wear etc?

I think you need a counsellor and to just accept that you are better off coparenting at a distance with him, not trying to have a relationship.

Why is it in every single thread like this “he’s a good dad” is always trotted out. Maybe girls should be taught in school what a good dad actually looks like, because it seems they’re not learning it at home and are programmed to repeat the shit they grew up with 😢.

@AnOverwhelmedMum if he ends up killing you, which is hardly beyond the bounds of possibility, do you think your kids would still be glad you stayed with him?

That's an awful lot of words that could be simply shortened to "my husband is a controlling, abusive bully".
You don't have to live like this and find a way to cope, you can plan for a different future away from him.

Leave him. Protect yourself and your kids from any more of his abuse.

Or what? Are you going to train yourself to tolerate it, and then train your kids to tolerate it too?

He's not a great dad. He's controlling, abusive, and mentally unstable. You need to leave him.

Oh god OP, this isn’t about you being ‘different people” or “brains that work differently”. He’s a nightmare and you need to remove your self and your children.

Have you considered speaking to a therapist, OP? I don’t think this is for Mumsnet.

But the one thing that I struggle with him is his anger. He can get angry over little things - like if I ran the tap too much, or scuffed the paintwork, or cook something wrong, or didn’t dress right etc etc.

I didn't get past this bit. You need to leave, for the sake of yourself and your children. Please contact Women's Aid, who can support you in leaving safely.

OP my dad was like this when we were growing up. It has affected all of us. He's in his eighties and still behaves like this. The difference is I can walk away now. Please think of your children. They deserve better.

OP, I grew up in a house with an angry dad. It was like walking on eggshells, always afraid that I might break one of the ‘rules’ that I didn’t even know existed. My mum took the brunt of it but please be aware that it absolutely does impact your children too. I am a strong minded woman now but even to this day, I have people-pleasing tendencies and I fear ‘getting into trouble’. If I witness anger in others, I feel myself shrivelling away inside, desperately trying to make myself invisible.

My dad grew up in an abusive home and I think he modelled what he’d been raised with. He would lose the plot over small things and not speak to my mum for days over a minor issue. He was unpredictable and could ‘turn’ in his moods very suddenly and then storm out and disappear for hours. It wasn’t always like this - he could also be kind, loving and very generous but we were never quite sure which version of dad we would get.

In the end my dad had to undergo major surgery and he had a sort of mental breakdown because he physically wasn’t able to be as angry as he had been. He was prescribed anti depressants and within months, it was like ‘nice dad’ became the permanent resident. These days my relationship with him is totally restored. He’s calm, predictable and I can’t remember the last time I ever heard him shout or get angry. My belief is that he was depressed and that he used to engineer fights because the adrenaline rush of being angry felt better than the ‘nothingness’ of being depressed. He is still on anti deps to this day and I believe they saved all our lives.

I’m not making excuses - we all are responsible for our own behaviour but I would encourage you to refuse to live this way. If you are not able to leave then issue an ultimatum that he simply has to get help. It is not normal to be so irrationally angry and to lose control so frequently. It’s bad for you and it’s bad for your children.

What will happen when he starts treating the children like this?

@copiedandpastedthank you this is a really good insight to how it was for you as a child and really highlights that it’s not as simple as good dad or bad dad.