Missing condoms and DH blamed our 14yo DS - not sure what to think

[Bassion]

Hi all,
Looking for some perspective because something happened yesterday that’s left me feeling uncomfortable.

I was tidying the bathroom cupboard and noticed that some condoms were missing from a box DH and I keep tucked away in the back. Not locked up but not something you’d expect the kids to be going through. I mentioned it to DH and without missing a beat, he said it must have been DS (14). No hesitation, no questions, just said it in a way that felt like he’d already decided.

DS does have a girlfriend, but they’re still very young. They hang out at ours sometimes, usually in the living room or garden. I haven’t seen or heard anything to suggest that things are physical between them yet, and DS still seems pretty young in himself. Of course it’s not impossible - I’m not naïve - but something about DH’s reaction really threw me.

It wasn’t just that he thought it might be DS. It was the certainty and the tone. No curiosity, no concern, just blame. It felt oddly defensive and a bit cold. And now I can’t stop wondering - is it DS? Or is DH covering for something else? I hate that my mind even goes there, but the whole exchange didn’t sit right.

I haven’t spoken to DS. I don’t want to accuse him if he’s done nothing wrong, especially over something so personal. But I also don’t want to ignore this if it is something that needs addressing - whether that’s DS needing support or something else entirely.

A 14 yo is not a kid but a curious teenager.
Put your stuff in a bedroom drawer.

I think you are right to be suspicious of your DH OP. It seems odd that he jumped to blaming your son without at least being a bit surprised.

I'd ask him why he said it. Maybe he has some reason that you don't know to think that your son would take condoms? It could be out of curiosity or perhaps he's in a regular sexual relationship with the gf (something to be concerned about, at 14, if only for the legal; aspects!!) and got caught short one time so took one meaning to replace it. But if your son's not sexually experienced and not talking to you about sex, I really doubt he snagged your condoms; if he seems like someone with normal boundaries around the privacy of sex, it would be much easier for him to get them from school or just buy them.

I’m not sure if all secondary schools are the same but my DC’s had access to all the free condoms they could carry and those model phalluses that they could practice on, from at least Year 9.

So it seems an odd thing to want/need to nick.

I guess you know him best (both of them!).

As in, might DS have asked his dad and said something like, ‘I’ll replace them; please don’t tell mum’? Or they had ‘the talk’, with props?

But that still doesn’t fully explain your husband’s reaction.

I hope you get this resolved, OP, because creeping doubt isn’t good for anyone.

Is it possible your husband gave them to your son? Maybe your son came to him to talk or asked? Or your husband picked up on something you didn’t and decided to have a chat and give him some just in case?

Just ask your son.

Don’t do that. What if it wasn’t him?

It does not explain his tone used on the OP. She detected his coldness and blame, no curiosity.

I am wondering if your DH is actually resentful of using condoms.

I would be very suspicious of your H's reaction to blame your DS.

But I don't understand why you can't have a conversation with your son about contraception where you could bring up the subject of condoms. It doesnt have to be a question of " blame" . If he has gf then these things need to be talked about any way.

Has your H given you any reason to be suspicious of his behaviour recently?

Definitely ask DH if he is aware your son is sexually active - his reaction was odd, because surely if your son has confided him and said don’t tell mum, he would have given him some -not yours! or replaced them and at least mentioned it to you…

To answer a few points, the condoms were in our en suite, in a cupboard under the sink. DS does come in there sometimes to use the shower if the main bathroom’s busy, but I honestly don’t think he’d be rummaging in the cupboards. He’s still very much a child in a lot of ways. He’s never once asked if his girlfriend can go to his room - they’re always downstairs watching a film or just chatting. He seems happy enough with that setup and there’s been no signs he’s pushing any boundaries yet.

I agree it’s not impossible, but it just doesn’t quite fit with what I know of him. I’d actually feel better if DH had said he might have taken them and we could talk it through, but it was the complete certainty that threw me. He didn’t seem at all surprised or bothered, just immediately blamed DS, and that’s the part I can’t shake.

I did wonder if maybe he gave them to DS and didn’t tell me, but when I asked a second time last night (in a neutral way), he just repeated “It’ll be him” and walked off. No explanation or indication they’d spoken.

I asked my son outright but that's because DH found some missing and assumed I had been unfaithful. I just asked how it was going with his relationship, was it getting serious, had you borrowed some condoms from bathroom, he said no at first but I explained it looked very suspicious on me if there had only been 3 people in the house at the time and if it wasn't him then it was me or his dad (I new it wasn't DH from his reaction) and he needed to be completely honest. Turned out he was experimenting and was not in an active relationship.
I did go and buy him a big box after that, and he was quite open about his relationship with me after that.

That is quite weird OP. I would be suspicious too . Sorry.

So do you think that your dh is having an affair?

I'd expect my husband's reaction to be more along the lines of 'Are you sure? Have we used them and you've forgotten? Do you think DS might have taken them?' rather than jump straight to a definitive conclusion.

But if he was going to have sex with someone else he wouldn't use your condoms from home, and he might know more about your son than you do.

But if this happened - you’d expect DH to share this with OP when it occurred….

There could be so many explanations, your DH could be having an affair, he might have had a posh w#nk, your DS might have blew it up like a balloon, took it to school to show off, he could be experimenting with his own body, could be sexually active. Honestly the list goes on. I would casually ask your DS if he took them, no big deal. If not then you need to talk to DH properly.

That does seem strange. There are 4 options I can think of:

1. Do nothing but keep an eye/ear out on both of them.
2. Ask your DS very neutrally if he took one, just saying it totally doesn't matter and you don't mind if he was interested/experimenting but you'd like to know.
3. Remove another one then tell your DH that you think DS has taken another - check his reaction.
4. Tell your DH you're going to ask your DS and see his reaction.

Tell your husband you will ask your son - that should settle it. But don't ask your son, unless you're certain that it wasn't your husband.

This.

But surely OP your DH would know that you (in time) would realise there were some missing? Why would he leave himself open to your inevitable suspicion?

It always surprises me slightly when people on mumsnet seem to know exactly how many condoms there are / should be!

We use them and just have a box in DHs drawer on the go, and only when they are running low does he comment. Occasionally I'll check if there are enough left, but I couldn't tell you exactly how many there should be!

It's important, if DS is sexually active that he knows how and where to get condoms. I would tell DH that I was going to have a chat with him and ask what (if anything) he and DS had discussed previously.
Your DH reaction will probably tell you if there is anything to be concerned about.
I would also have the chat with ds no matter what your DH says because it is really important that your ds knows how to get condoms.

Use this as an opportunity to have a conversation with your ds about sex, if he’s active, does he know about condoms, consent etc. You could always ask if he’s taken any condoms, does he want you to buy some etc.

Trust your gut. A woman’s intuition is a powerful thing.