Missing condoms and DH blamed our 14yo DS - not sure what to think

[Bassion]

Hi all,
Looking for some perspective because something happened yesterday that’s left me feeling uncomfortable.

I was tidying the bathroom cupboard and noticed that some condoms were missing from a box DH and I keep tucked away in the back. Not locked up but not something you’d expect the kids to be going through. I mentioned it to DH and without missing a beat, he said it must have been DS (14). No hesitation, no questions, just said it in a way that felt like he’d already decided.

DS does have a girlfriend, but they’re still very young. They hang out at ours sometimes, usually in the living room or garden. I haven’t seen or heard anything to suggest that things are physical between them yet, and DS still seems pretty young in himself. Of course it’s not impossible - I’m not naïve - but something about DH’s reaction really threw me.

It wasn’t just that he thought it might be DS. It was the certainty and the tone. No curiosity, no concern, just blame. It felt oddly defensive and a bit cold. And now I can’t stop wondering - is it DS? Or is DH covering for something else? I hate that my mind even goes there, but the whole exchange didn’t sit right.

I haven’t spoken to DS. I don’t want to accuse him if he’s done nothing wrong, especially over something so personal. But I also don’t want to ignore this if it is something that needs addressing - whether that’s DS needing support or something else entirely.

This sort of post seems to be getting very common.. missing Condoms. Ultimately if you don’t trust your OH, this is the root of the of the problem. Who keeps count of condoms? Strange.

14 might mean hes not having sex but hes old enough to be curious or want a posh &*@^, or to show off to his friends.

Maybe hubby knows if some are missing it could only be DS.

Truth is if you ask DS, I'm betting he would deny it regardless of whether it was him or not.

Move them to your room and let it go (though maybe leave some in the bathroom just in case son goes looking when it counts)

Not the point of the thread, I know, but why are you keeping condoms in a cabinet in the bathroom where they could be found? I know they’re at the back but they could still be stumbled upon and it’s unnecessary really. Why not keep them in your bedroom? Makes no sense to me.

This, he's probably had a try on practice run not actually used it for what it's intended.

I think it would get my spidery senses twitching as well.

If dh had given them to ds in confidence, i would expect dh to say this, but for op not to let ds know that op knows.

Surely if ds had taken them without knowledge, then surely dh would discuss this, or act surprised at the turn of events, or even a ‘that’s my boy’ type of banter.

I also think that as they were away from sight, and a cupboard that ds woujdn’t normally go in make me suspicious.

Has there been any other unusual behaviour (or retrospectively unusual) such as working late, ending phone calls quickly, volunteering to take dog out (so can phone someone) etc

You’d think so but many men are capable of behaving both stupidly and disgustingly, and a woman who has been with a man for many years is best placed to note any unusual presentation or reaction from him that gives her a gut feeling about something.

I would say, trust your instincts OP. If you think that there is something fishy there probably is. Not sure how to proceed though. I am sorry I am not being more helpful. I would perhaps ask my son as I am very close to him and he would not make fun of me or something.

I once found some condoms in my now ex husbands work jacket. It was totally weird. We did just start using condoms as I took my IUD out, but why he would have it in his work jacket, makes no sense. I never worked up a courage to ask him. He was a textbook narcissist and I am sure that he would somehow turn it all at me, like why was I going through his things or something. Or he would just laugh and say, yes, I have an affair, which he would sometimes do to me and I would never know what the truth is. Good luck OP.

It never ceases to amaze me that on every thread like this someone comes along to suggest it might have been a ‘posh wank’. Honestly astounding. It’s your son (messing around with them or using them) or your husband but it categorically won’t be a posh wank…

I wouldn't jump to immediate conclusions op but I would have a conversation with your ds. You say they're mainly in common areas of the house - what happens at her house? Does he have access to your house when you aren't home?

I think he's of an age anyway where an open, judgement free conversation about where things are at would be fitting irregardless. I'd actually tell him where you keep the condoms and that he can take them if he needed - ask if he's ever taken any before and tell him not to be embarrassed but that you'd be glad he had the sense to.

If it were me (though granted I've been burnt) I would do a bit of digging without letting on to dh. I agree that gut instinct is everything. I knew something was off in my marriage but I couldn't put a finger on what and on the surface everything was great so I felt awful for digging but I was so glad that I did. I'd never have known otherwise. At best you'll find nothing and it'll put your mind at ease.

Has your dh ever given you reason to be suspicious? Have you ever had any "off" feelings before?

Best case scenario is that your ds got curious and took them and owns up. He might not be the type to go rummaging in an en suite, but equally it makes sense he'd go looking there if he was looking for condoms.

This happened to me. Found some condoms in my X's coat. Confronted him with it and he said they were put of date and he was taking them to bin them. Obviously he'd never gotten acquainted with the bins in our house!!!

to some extent you may have to trust your gut on this - I mean, what led you to count and re count the condoms in the first place?

However, your DS being young for his age means nothing. I definitely went rummaging in all the cupboards when I was bored as a teenager and the rest of the family were out. Not for any particular reason, just nosiness.

I also was the nicest, most angelic looking teen, always got straight As, total bookworm... I still smoked the odd cigarette/joint and half inched gin that I tipped into a water bottle before parties and nicked the odd tenner from his emergency stash.

I think it's important to not assume your child "couldn't possibly" do anything

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This reaction gives vibes that your husband knows he hasn’t used the condoms, so perhaps he has found the only explanation that makes sense to him? Teenagers are mental. I remember being on the school bus 20 years ago, and condom balloons being blown up all over the place by people who couldn’t even pronounce the word “condom” 🤷‍♀️ Hopefully it’s totally innocent. You’ve every right to ask him about it though, and to expect a calm and reasonable answer as to why he vehemently believes your DS took them. Your 14 year old son shouldn’t be sexually active so that’s another topic.

Ok chatgpt.

(No not being paranoid like a lot of users here pearl clutching at AI... Use chatgpt enough for content creation and you'll find the very predictable sentence structure - often using repetition and dashes in a very predictable way for emphasis, and the multi-clause sentences punctuated and linked in a way more suited for American accents/cadence - & narrative structure - like the "it's not just about..." build up and contradiction, as just 1 example - recognisable immediately)

If your son is 14 and has a girlfriend I’d be wondering about giving him contraception or if his dad has already done that. You sound like you don’t know much about your sons’ behaviors which I think is more worrying!! If you’d said ‘I’d spoken to ds the month before about unprotected sex and he assures me he’s aware and I’ve spoken to the girls parents’ I’d be more interested in your question regarding your DH but you don’t say that and at 14 I think you’re being left out of the loop!! Possible his dad and him have had that chat and his dads given him some imo…

DH gave DS the condoms.

Definitely talk to your ds in a very matter of fact way! Even ask if he would like his own box? But also trust your gut and keep check on other signs from your dh to suggest things are not quite right there?

Please don’t ask your son. You’d only be doing it to try to catch your husband out, and that’s so unfair. Your son shouldn’t be involved in your relationship that way.

I find it odd on here that men aren’t allowed private chats with their sons without mummy having to know every single detail. DH dealt with all the condom/safe sex chats with DS and I didn’t need to know about it.

So did mine-but he told me about it, so we were both on the same page. And so the poor kid didn’t get both of us doing it! The thing I find most bizarre on this thread is that you’d ask your teenage son whether he’d taken a condom. Why would you do that??

I wouldn’t ask your son directly but I might say to DH that it’s puzzling you and you’re going to ask DS, just in case things are moving forward with his girlfriend. See how he reacts.
Also, if your DH is having an affair, surely he wouldn’t be stupid enough to take some from your box at home?

1. Have a good look at your marriage and communication in general.

There is something wrong if you can't sit down with your husband and have a honest chat about this kind of stuff. Does your husband often walk away when you raise something for the second time because it is clearly bothering you?

His reaction is odd.

Most people would say how do you know? Maybe we used more than we thought etc. To blame your DS sounds like he already had that excuse lined up.

Could your Son have taken them to practice putting them on or for personal use or something? (sorry if that sounds grim).

Have you gone through your Son’s drawers/wallet to see if they’re in there?

PLEASE don’t do that!!!

I am increasingly sorry for this kid…….

Do you think your husband has used them and is trying to deflect has he ever strayed?