Missing condoms and DH blamed our 14yo DS - not sure what to think

[Bassion]

Hi all,
Looking for some perspective because something happened yesterday that’s left me feeling uncomfortable.

I was tidying the bathroom cupboard and noticed that some condoms were missing from a box DH and I keep tucked away in the back. Not locked up but not something you’d expect the kids to be going through. I mentioned it to DH and without missing a beat, he said it must have been DS (14). No hesitation, no questions, just said it in a way that felt like he’d already decided.

DS does have a girlfriend, but they’re still very young. They hang out at ours sometimes, usually in the living room or garden. I haven’t seen or heard anything to suggest that things are physical between them yet, and DS still seems pretty young in himself. Of course it’s not impossible - I’m not naïve - but something about DH’s reaction really threw me.

It wasn’t just that he thought it might be DS. It was the certainty and the tone. No curiosity, no concern, just blame. It felt oddly defensive and a bit cold. And now I can’t stop wondering - is it DS? Or is DH covering for something else? I hate that my mind even goes there, but the whole exchange didn’t sit right.

I haven’t spoken to DS. I don’t want to accuse him if he’s done nothing wrong, especially over something so personal. But I also don’t want to ignore this if it is something that needs addressing - whether that’s DS needing support or something else entirely.

He’s still very much a child in a lot of ways.

Just because he takes them, doesn’t mean he’s planning on using them.
Its likely just curiosity.

I’m not sure what reaction from DH you would expect that makes him seem less guilty.
If he got defensive or was questioning it, then I’d actually think that was more odd than him not being bothered.

You must see them regularly to know how many was in there and so how often do you do this?
It could have been from weeks or months ago.

If DH wanted to cheat then surely he’d just buy his own condoms rather than risking you seeing one go missing.

It may be they've had a private conversation he didn't want Mum to know about and Dad said, 'this is where they're kept. If you need them, they're there', kind of thing.

He may just be practicing putting them on. It is a skill, after all.

My thought is they're being sensible, and it's father/son stuff.

You think he’s having an affair? Surely your husband isn’t that thick to take condoms without you noticing?

Agree with this. Do people count them out?

It is very odd though that your DH so obviously wanted to shut that conversation down, without any more discussion. It does cast suspicion on him for me. I would be thinking through where he has been day to day lately and what opportunities he has to cheat, and thinking about what I could easily check to verify his activities - eg bank transactions, phone bill.

Exactly!
My first thought was, why is the OP checking how many condoms there are and why does she know how many there should be?

Also, the thought of giving your kids condoms from the box that you use is a bit icky to say the least, and the thought of being a teenager and being given condoms from your parents’ stash would be beyond gross.

At that age its not uncommon for teenagers to find it funny blowing them up with water.... at least the boys in our friend group at school did.
Or he could have taken them out of curiosity to try putting one on. Not necessary guaranteed that he took them, or that if he did he's having sex. I would approach the topic with him saying something like did you take some condoms out of the cupboard to do water balloons, best case it gives him an easy way of admitting to it and you know it wasn't DH.
If he does say yes then one of you should probably have a further conversation about safe sex incase he is using them.

This is where I went to immediately too.

Please talk to your son. Whatever the truth is here, you might need a conversation with him about contraception.

Put your stuff away for christs sake for a start but when I was 14 I was knocking out posh wanks like no tomorrow so could easily be your son, when I was 14 I was pushing 5 out a day even with a girlfriend.

Have you checked your husband's wallet or the compartment in the car?
If your son took them you should be very proud of yourself as a parent. Just ask him. Let him know he did nothing wrong and you are proud of him for taking precautions. Also a good time to remind him that it's not just pregnancy, he is also protecting himself a raft of very serious STDs. Explain oral, too, as STDs can be transferred.from the mouth as well.

I don't get this at all. You have a 14yr old ds...they are all curious and likely to know where everything is hidden. So you ask dh, DH knows it wasn't you (why ask), knows it wasn't him so immediately says must be ds. It seems perfectly logical should he have said might be DS or could be local borrowers trying to make a hot air balloon. If it was ds it doesn't even mean he's active...he could have got them just in case (which seems responsible) or he got them for a friend (or used them as water balloons.

If it was your DH (and I'm wrong) you will not be able to find out because if he's guilty of impropriety he will not admit it, even if you questioned ds and he denies it. You could ask ds but that might lead him to think twice about taking them in the future (which you wouldn't want)...but guess that depends on your ds.

The only thing I can suggest is to be alert for other clues.....I can't think of a flawless suggestion.

I’d have a chat with your ds. Get him some condoms (not a bad idea anyway). Tell him it’d be good if he was experimenting putting them in ‘for when he is ready’. Talk about protection in general. If his dad had a chat about it, he’ll tell you,

Then keep an eye on says condoms. If some disappear again, ask your dh. If the answer is ‘well ds obviously’ just tell him it’s not possible as ds has his own stash.

Unless your DH has given some to him, he doesn't sound remotely surprised. That part throws me too because otherwise you'd be like "oh really" and ponder it for a second. Hate to be cynical but it almost sounds like an excuse he had ready in his mind.

Why in earth would dad not want to tell his dwife he had a chat with ds re sex and condoms ?

Ds came to see me with much more personal questions linked with wanking. I answered him and told dh. Not sure why I would have it had to stay ‘a secret’

If your husband were playing away, I daresay he would have his own private stash of condoms.

Sorry to say but, at 14 his solo sexual quests will likely be off the charts. He may well have been rooting around to see what he could find knowing that adults have this type of stuff.

Of course, the usual mumsnet brigade will advise you immediately that your husband is banging all and sundry and you should leave him immediately because men are the devil etc… and maybe they’re right sometimes. But don’t jump to conclusions. If your husband was playing away he wouldn’t nick your condoms unless he was a complete imbecile.

I’d wager that one of the males in your house has treated themselves to a posh w*nk. I know it’s crude but there it is.

if you want to quiz your son just tread carefully and use it as an opportunity to have a conversation about sex, which is appropriate for a 14 year old lad that has a girlfriend.

It doesn’t make any sense for your husband to secretly use condoms to have an affair from a stash you also have access to. obviously the MN man-haters will be recommending you dump him on the spot, but must ignore them.

Far more likely to be your son, and also he doesn’t necessarily need to be having sex, could just be experimenting putting them on, etc. probably wouldn’t want to be fumbling around with them first time he used them.

Finally be careful about confronting your son, he’ll be embarrassed and the last thing he’ll want to do is discuss his sexual activities with his mother or father. So he’s extremely likely to deny it which doesn’t help you in any way.

Just because he isn't having sex in your house doesn't mean he's not having it.

Why don't you say to dh that you should both chat to your son together if he is using them it's probably about time for a parental talk anyway, you also might be a bit wiser by dhs reaction to discuss it with him

But if your husband didn't take them, it must be said with complete certainty that your son did, because who else could have taken them? He's hardly going to question it. He didn't take them, therefore your son did. Just talk to your son about it, better chance then MNers hazarding guesses.

If your DH was cheating, I'm sure he'd be more subtle and have his own secret stash of condoms, rather than taking from yours?

🙄

I’d assume he’d buy his own condoms for an affair, assuming he needed contraception and his affair partner had not taken care of that!

As an early teen, I used to take condoms from my parents’ drawer. I wasn’t sexually active. I was curious. I used to play with them and then hide them in a toy in my bedroom. I didn’t have any awareness that it could cause issues.

Do you have other DC?

This would throw me a normal reaction would be what? Are you sure? How many? Not its DS I've already decided. I would ask ds not did u take them but just have a discussion re safe sex and prove gently. I would be suspicious too based on ur husband's reaction

I think if this was the case, then OP’s DH should have gone and told her straight away and not wait until she notices and asks where the condoms are.

Judging from his reaction and how OP feels (you should always listen to your instinct!) I’d keep an eye on DH, he might be playing away and be stupid enough to forget and replace the missing condoms.