Relationship after divorce. Is this healthy or weird?

[copernicus5]

I'm in the final stages of divorce. 30 year marriage, 2 years separated, two adult kids. I've been seeing a lovely man for the last six months. We have a lot in common, laugh a lot and have great sex. He's thoughtful and caring and I always look forward to seeing him.

There are two things that bug me.

1. He's been separated for four years but neither of them have even filed for divorce yet. They separated when his ex came out as lesbian. They didn't want their kids to go back and forth between homes so they bought some land with two houses. He lives in one with the kids (16 and 19). She lives in the other with her female partner. While I commend the set up and their ability to remain amicable for the kids, I do find it odd that they haven't progressed the divorce yet.

1. He comes from a culture where divorce is shameful and he hasn't told his parents that he and his wife have separated. He says that he will, but he dreads it because it will hurt them. He feels he already 'shamed' them by marrying outside his culture and the divorce will be another blow and will be seen as a failure. His ex goes along with the charade and, for example, is having dinner as a family with his parents this evening for Father's Day.

I know that I wasn't in a healthy relationship in my marriage and I don't fully trust my own judgement yet, but these two things bug me. Am I just looking for problems or would anyone else find these an issue?

OP, I wouldn't expect anything to change while his parents are alive at the very least.

Are you prepared for that?
If not then you need to rethink this relationship.

That's a good point. I don't see how our relationship can progress in the current circumstances. I also feel uncomfortable with a man in his 50s lying to his parents out of shame for something very normal, but then I wasn't raised in that culture so I wonder if I'm being unfair.

Very odd. I couldn't respect someone like that and even if we take away the shame and parents thing, what a weird codependent set up!

Have you been to his house, stayed over there, met his friends?

I think their set up is lovely, it’s pretty much my husband and I’s ‘if everything went wrong’ plan.

I understand the part about his culture too, I’d be okay with it all if she was kind and open and friendly towards you as well as your partner.

I've met his friends but haven't been to his house or met his kids. Apparently they all know about me but one child is in the middle of exams and doesn't want to meet until they're done.

Thinking it over now, I think it's the dishonesty with his parents that bothers me. That's an enormous lie. I find it strange the ex goes along with it but he says she knows his parents and understands. I believe there's no romantic relationship between him and his ex. I don't think I would mind them having a family dinner. It's the lie and pretending that doesn't sit right.

It makes me feel the other woman in a way. I can't quite get my head around it, but I've had a very different relationship with my parents. I'd never be in that situation.

It could be all a big lie. Sometimes friends cover up or think the couple have an understanding. If he lies to his parents for an easier life he will lie everywhere else.

Yes, I've admired the set up and felt happy to be part of that kind of extended family. It just feels like there's a lack of clarity in that they're not seeking divorce, though they plan to at some point.

This has crossed my mind. I don't think that's the case, but as I said I don't fully trust my own judgement.

It all sounds a bit complicated. I'd find it hard to believe.

I think if it’s part of his culture then you’d need to be accepting of that or separate and be honest with him that you don’t want to be part of the deception with his parents. They must be in their seventies by now - so in all likelihood they’re unlikely to change their opinion on divorce. He probably sees it as not wanting to upset them in their twilight years. Personally I’d be okay with that so long as I’ve met his ex and she’s respectful etc. and from the kids pov it’s nice of their parents can still get along on friendly terms.

I think for me, I'd want to see their set up for myself, meet the ex and her partner. If it all felt genuine, then I'd accept it. Him not telling his parents is entirely his choice and if you're not happy with that side, then end it.

@NamechangeJunebaby "They must be in their seventies by now - so in all likelihood they’re unlikely to change their opinion on divorce. He probably sees it as not wanting to upset them in their twilight years."

Twilight 🙄
His parents could live another 30 years.

I wouldn't waste an iota of my precious energy or time on someone who is already in middle age and is still pretending rubbish to his parents. This person will always prioritise his parents and self-serving lies over his own authenticity and being a good partner. It'll never get any better.

OP. I advise you to walk away and find someone more grown up.

Well all the excuses are there, the culture, the lesbian, childrens's exams, aging parents and his mental health shame.

Iron clad reasons for never geting a divorce and for you never to turn up on the doorstep.

He's good.

I agree with @IceLollyMummy.
I don't think you can believe his story unless and until you visit his home, maybe even meet the ex. Seeing (and sleeping with) someone for six months and not visiting their home just doesn't sound right.

Walk away now!

This man’s cultural norms and ties are not compatible with yours.
It isn’t about being right or wrong, it’s about compatibility. The longer you stay in the relationship, the more of his ‘norms’ you will be confronted with.

It depends what you want from this relationship OP. If you have a nice time together and are happy to keep things casual, which might be just what you need after such a long marriage, then that sounds fine. But if you want to have a more committed relationship (moving in together, maybe getting married) in the long term, then these are huge barriers. Maybe have a think about what you want from a partner at the moment.

I would want to make sure he is telling the truth. There's no reason why you can't visit his home. Also do his children also keep this big secret from their grandparents? That's a a lot for them to be expected to be quiet about!

Very good points

This. If you want to get married this relationship is not for you. I actually understand where he is coming from re not telling his parents. That is not going to change. If that's a red line for you ... well, you know what to do.

I personally would not be happy dating someone for 6 months and never having seen where they live.

Hmmm, not sure I could put up with this. It's a big lie to his parents and surely he's forcing his DC to be complicit too?

I doubt you'll be able to move forward in any way while he maintains this lie. You'll never be able to meet his parents (or siblings?) How will that work for special occasions/big birthdays/holiday times? Will he be expected to celebrate them with his wife present instead?

I can see this going on for years yet, while the DC are still at home, at as other have said, he'll then not want to upset his parents in their later years.

i’m unsure about this, if things progress, you could have a scenario where he’s happy to mislead his parents, whilst his partner of many years is almost a guilty secret?

And would the shock of his relationship breakdown really be so bad for them???