Relationship after divorce. Is this healthy or weird?

[copernicus5]

I'm in the final stages of divorce. 30 year marriage, 2 years separated, two adult kids. I've been seeing a lovely man for the last six months. We have a lot in common, laugh a lot and have great sex. He's thoughtful and caring and I always look forward to seeing him.

There are two things that bug me.

1. He's been separated for four years but neither of them have even filed for divorce yet. They separated when his ex came out as lesbian. They didn't want their kids to go back and forth between homes so they bought some land with two houses. He lives in one with the kids (16 and 19). She lives in the other with her female partner. While I commend the set up and their ability to remain amicable for the kids, I do find it odd that they haven't progressed the divorce yet.

1. He comes from a culture where divorce is shameful and he hasn't told his parents that he and his wife have separated. He says that he will, but he dreads it because it will hurt them. He feels he already 'shamed' them by marrying outside his culture and the divorce will be another blow and will be seen as a failure. His ex goes along with the charade and, for example, is having dinner as a family with his parents this evening for Father's Day.

I know that I wasn't in a healthy relationship in my marriage and I don't fully trust my own judgement yet, but these two things bug me. Am I just looking for problems or would anyone else find these an issue?

As others said, I would want to know how the lie works and how his children are involved.

I would also want to meet his ex before meeting the DC. If she is friendly with you, then I would continue…

You will know deep in your gut if you want to keep going but I can 100% see why you are serious considering cutting your losses.

Yes, all this. It's felt like the relationship recently shifted into something more serious, but this situation doesn't fit with my idea of a serious relationship.

And the deceit, whether cultural or not, doesn't sit right with me.

I don’t think he’s telling the truth. All sounds very far-fetched. I can’t see his wife’s partner putting up with this. And the kids aren’t young- do they go along with this charade for the grandparents? I’d wager he’s still married & they’re “separated” but living in the same house.

I must admit, I wondered this too!

I think it's odd you've not been to his house op. In six months?!

If it's all true, do you want marriage or cohab ever again? If not then it probably doesn't matter?

Wouldn't be for me though.

If you’ve never been to his house I take it you’re doing all the hosting for your “dating” and all the great sex. In other words he comes to your place. But he has a million reasons you can’t go to his.

Do you actually go out much? Does he ever book a hotel for a change, or is it only you providing a bed?

After 6mo I wouldn't be happy. Kids are OK living next door to their mum and her lesbian partner but don't want to meet you over a cup of tea. Hmm. Not telling your elderly parents you're getting divorced. Oh and my wife is a lesbian. Not getting divorced. It smells off. Elaborate. It might be true but I'd expect to see the set up for myself. I would not be happy wasting more time without knowing it wasn't a load of bollocks

Oh and the kids live with him whilst wife and her partner on the same plot...what...never have the kids? So you cant go over to his? What's the point living next door then? What possible reason is there to have that set up if not for the kids to move easily between houses?

You are being dragged into this deceit and if a person can lie to family they can lie to you, or at least massage the truth.

You need to protect yourself from being hurt.
Don't allow yourself, your peace and your happiness become collateral damage to their "arrangement".
They remain a tight family unit and if his parents are healthy, there is nothing to say they could live another decade.
Where would that leave you?
Not in a good place, thats for sure.

We do go out for all the usual stuff, meals, theatre, concerts, exhibitions. And we've gone away for weekends where he's done most of the paying (I make a lot less). But I do mostly host. I think that would be the same even if we could stay at his place as I have dogs.

The point isn't whether you could because of the dogs. The point is.. why haven't you even been able to visit? If his kids aren't always with him, which they clearly aren't if he can go away for weekends, why have you never actually been to the house?

As I understand it, he's in the bigger house with the kids. She's in a small one-bed. Her choice. He's in the 'family house' and she goes there to spend time with the kids, make them dinner sometimes, etc. but he's the main carer and always has been.

Yes. I think at first it suited me for him to always come to me, but now it does feel odd that I've never been to his place.

Thought about this a lot last night. Stepping back from all the details, I think it bothers me that he, in his mid-50s, lacks the self-possession and confidence to be completely honest about who he is and what he wants with his parents.

Taking what he says as true, the set up with his ex also feels tipped in her favour but he tolerates it. She's there with her new partner, dipping in and out of family life, while he's sacrificing his autonomy to be there. He says he hates it but is there for the kids, which seems admirable, but he's obviously bad at setting boundaries and standing up for himself. What does that mean for our relationship in the future?

As a pp asked, do the children have to go along with this lie? When visiting his parents?

It's definitely not a serious relationship, you obviously realise this. It's whether you're happy to continue like this indefinitely, or you want something more (probably from someone else, because it doesn't sound like he wants to give you more).

It's possible that he has fallen in to this pattern and would genuinely like to make a change. In which case this could be a good opportunity for him to do it. Tell him that and see how he responds. But tbh.... I think it's unlikely there'll be any big changes.

You said his ex lives with her lesbian partner next door, but he lies to his parents and pretends they are still together. How can she be in a lesbian relationship and his parents think they are still together? Are his parents in another country?

The kids go along with it. He says they've told him he needs to tell his parents.

"he, in his mid-50s, lacks the self-possession and confidence to be completely honest about who he is"

Yes, that's not a good sign. The fact that his go-to response with his parents is to lie also means that he will do that to you as well, should a situation arise where you could clash over something. He seems to have a weak character.

That’s a poor example he’s setting there. His children will more than likely have less respect for him if they’re the ones encouraging him to be honest.

Do you respect him?

So he's training his kids to lie and deceive others too. This man is not emotionally healthy at all.

@Greenfields20 It sounds like the relationship with the parents is very formal. They don't go to his place, he goes to them, and there's not a lot of talk about 'personal' stuff. He says he can't remember ever being hugged by them or told that they love him. Their marriage was arranged and he's never seen them show affection to each other. It sounds like keeping the secret hasn't been difficult.

@Slatterndisgrace @LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta Yes, that's the crux of it. Do I respect him? The lack of character. I'm trying to make excuses by calling it cultural differences, but that doesn't really matter.

It's a shame as I think he's a decent, lovely man, but being with someone who can't or won't speak up for himself feels like an enormous burden.