Relationship after divorce. Is this healthy or weird?

[copernicus5]

I'm in the final stages of divorce. 30 year marriage, 2 years separated, two adult kids. I've been seeing a lovely man for the last six months. We have a lot in common, laugh a lot and have great sex. He's thoughtful and caring and I always look forward to seeing him.

There are two things that bug me.

1. He's been separated for four years but neither of them have even filed for divorce yet. They separated when his ex came out as lesbian. They didn't want their kids to go back and forth between homes so they bought some land with two houses. He lives in one with the kids (16 and 19). She lives in the other with her female partner. While I commend the set up and their ability to remain amicable for the kids, I do find it odd that they haven't progressed the divorce yet.

1. He comes from a culture where divorce is shameful and he hasn't told his parents that he and his wife have separated. He says that he will, but he dreads it because it will hurt them. He feels he already 'shamed' them by marrying outside his culture and the divorce will be another blow and will be seen as a failure. His ex goes along with the charade and, for example, is having dinner as a family with his parents this evening for Father's Day.

I know that I wasn't in a healthy relationship in my marriage and I don't fully trust my own judgement yet, but these two things bug me. Am I just looking for problems or would anyone else find these an issue?

@copernicus5 while I can see why you are uncomfortable I think a lot of people commenting are underestimating the impact culture and respect for elders has in some communities.

If you are from a culture which is alien to that, you wouldn’t be able to grasp the impact an ‘ unconventional’ relationship or divorce can have - in some cases it can lead to being disowned /ostracised.

Now I’m not saying that there isn’t more to this situation then you are aware of, there could be, but as it stands I think the questions you have to ask yourself are

“Do I understand and accept his reasoning, can I maintain the relationship as it is?”

If you can’t- let him go.

Yes, you’re making excuses for him and I understand why. If you want this relationship to move forwards do you feel you could explain to him how much this bothers you? And his children, by the sounds of it. There’s respecting your parents and there’s being afraid of their judgement, which is what he seems to be stuck on with his.

He’s a fully grown man. He needs to step up now.

So his DC have accepted mum’s new partner living next door but it’s a bad time to meet them? His wife sounds like she is the one with the balls!
He is frightened to rock the boat, he lies rather than tell the truth and your relationship will cause him great angst because he is so scared of criticism and disapproval. He will remain married to his wife and never move on as when he dies, he wants to look like he was happily married and respectable in the eyes of his extended family.

And is his ex from the same culture? She has managed to completley change her life. And even if he does become disowned/ostracised it doesnt sound like it would be a big loss to him given how he describes his family.

I can understand in a way why he’s keeping up this pretence as my ex is from a community where people keep things hidden from their parents, all their lives. At first I couldn’t understand it, as in my culture (UK) parents have to accept it, or not be in their life. It’s the whole community stigma too, it’s not as easy as we think to alienate yourself from your family and bring shame on your parents. I think you need to accept this is how it will be whilst his parents are alive, or step out of this (which would be the easier option).

His ex is from outside his culture, which seems to make the sense of failure with his parents worse. He went against their wishes and it hasn't worked out.

I felt more accepting when I thought it was just a lie of omission. Yesterday I realised that it's a full on charade with the ex being a part of it. That feels very weird and unhealthy to me.

Not only is your partner lying to his parents but his 'wife' and children are all part of the charade too! It essentially means, until his parents pass away, you can't meet his siblings (assuming he has any) or extended family. His parents are completely out of bounds for you. What would happen if he was spotted with you by his parents or a family member?! Do you have to avoid vast swaths of an area, in case 'you're seen'?! Yes, I understand culture for him is important. I wonder if this is more to do with not only admitting his marriage failed to his parents but the reason why - his wife turned out to be a lesbian. For most men that would be a bitter pill to swallow but I'm guessing in his culture that may be seen as even worse and possibly he could be accused of 'not being man enough' by his Father and extended male relatives. Being gay in many cultures is seen to be shameful. Of course, he could lie about the reason for the split, but again it's another lie. I would be uneasy staying in a relationship with a man, who can't be honest with his parents, is making his children lie and is unable to stand up for himself. Your relationship can't really progress much further than it has, because of the fact he won't be honest with his parents, and it won't for many many years.

Have you at least had a drive by of this plot with two houses, much as a mortgage lender would do.

You need evidence before you progress.

Six months is an awful long time to not have had proof.
And if his children can be involved in this lie for the benefit of their mother's lover, why too can they not lie to their grandparents about their own father having a love life.

No I don't think it's odd. It's their choice. But I wouldn't be entirely convinced that he is being entirely honest about the set up.

Wrong thread

This sounds like the plot of a bad sit com, and I wouldn't have believed him for one second. Such well-planned lies that mean if you ever did stake out his house and see his wife in it, he has an explanation at the ready. Lies that make him seem like such a caring, reasonable man. But it's not true - he's married and you are his affair partner.

Always best not to date married men, whatever line they spin.

Yes it does all sound a bit odd. Him and everyone around him are apparently lying to his family. Relationships with two women both outwith his culture and apparently his culture is the reason for all the lying. Ex is now apparently a lesbian living next door with her new partner, and she doesnt really see the kids. He and OP dating 6 months and she hasnt been invited to his house.

@CastorWheels I haven't done a drive by but I've looked at it on Google Earth. It's down a private lane and my car is too distinctive.

@Sassybooklover you're right about the homosexuality being a big deal too. I think, even if he tells his parents they're divorcing, he wouldn't tell them it's because his ex is a lesbian.

Wander down on foot, incognito?

His ex is definitely the boss, in the same way that his mother seems to be. He seems almost afraid of them both. I really don't think he's lying about the set up or the situation. I think he's accustomed to being told what to do by the women in his life and doesn't know how to stand up for himself.

@Slatterndisgrace wearing a trench coat and dark glasses? 🕵😀

Yes, be a gum boot! 😁

Well you are the newest woman in his life so ...

Have you spoke to the ex and the ex's partner about it yet? Fair enough he may not want to introduce you to his parents yet but you shouldn't be a secret from her. Also the partner could give useful insight into what to expect. If you haven't met already ask. It's perfectly reasonable.

It could very much be argued that it is weird and unhealthy - that it's really fucked up to expect kids of 12 and 15 (their ages when the separation happened) to absorb the information that their parents are splitting up, their mother's a lesbian who's now living with a woman, and this whole new familial set-up is upping sticks to x2 neighbouring houses where they will all be enmeshed, AND it all has to be kept secret from the grandparents because of their parents' failed cross-cultural marriage and the grandparents' cultural sensitivities.

It could perhaps further be argued that the kids are teenagers of mixed heritage already trying to find their place in the world, and the adults in their lives are dumping stress on these kids, being dishonest and self-interested while pretending that they are great parents who give a crap.

Perfect summation.

Something has to give OP. Asking children to lie and continue lying is awful.

Update:

After I spoke to him about it, he told his parents that he and his wife have separated and will be divorcing. I was really pleased.

BUT, when we made plans for me to visit the farm where they both have houses, the ExW 'put her foot down' and said I wasn't welcome there. Even though her own partner is there regularly. I was just going to pop in to pick him up, not stay for a meal even, definitely not staying over yet. But the Ex said no and he bowed to her demands and cancelled our plans.

I fear this dynamic will just continue. He says he's going to leave the farm and move into his own place. That feels like avoidance, not dealing with the issue. He's gentle and kind, which I love, but I'm losing respect for him and not sure I can stay in the relationship.

It couldn’t be more obvious that you’re the other woman.

But you’re doing to continue to ignore that and believe all the bullshit he keeps coming out with.

So good luck. See you back here in 12 months when he’s made absolutely no progress with moving out and getting his own place.

If they each have their own houses, it's none of her business who visits him at his. I think this one needs to go in the bin, @copernicus5