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Original poster

When did you know the relationship was over?

80 replies

dazedandblue · 14/06/2025 17:43

I've been in a strange place with DH for years (no sex, no intimacy, sitting in separate rooms in the evenings) yet he's a good human and I do care for him deeply, but I don't know if the relationship has just run it's course (DH thinks we have a great life) and I've been deep in my head on what to do.

So I am wondering, outside of the very obvious things like domestic abuse and violence, when did you know the relationship was over and had run its course?

OP posts:
ohyesido · 14/06/2025 17:47

The moment you start to wonder. It’s intuitive

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 14/06/2025 17:51

When he told me it was! For him I would say when he knew he didn't love me any more.

Thatsthebottomline · 14/06/2025 18:23

When she bought me an AC/ DC t shirt for my birthday, oh and took me car shopping when I am medically unable to drive.

It was embarrassing and she knew full well my left eye was useless. Still, a man that can't drive is up there with being short and poor.

She's now dating a 6'4 rally car driver who beats her up.

saltnpepperchips · 14/06/2025 18:43

When I could no longer bear to be in the same room as him and everything about him annoyed me

ChaliceinWonderland · 14/06/2025 18:45

When he
Crashed the car drunk again. When I knew I deserved better...

jazzyjames · 14/06/2025 18:49

I could have written your post op. I felt like I was living with a flat mate. We've been struggling for two years and decided to separated two weeks ago after 21 years married. We went on holiday at Easter, first time abroad without the kids, it was supposed to be fabulous and just wasn't. It was really flat, we both knew then. my emotions were all over the place for the first week but now i just feel relief x

tsmainsqueeze · 14/06/2025 18:59

When i felt the most tremendous relief after a massive row in his car, as i slammed his door, full of hate in every fibre of my being and ran into my mothers house .
I thought he would kill me as he came after me and i was scared but felt a strange sense of elation that my shit relationship with this bastard was over.
He harassed me for years after which is another story but not for one millisecond did i ever consider staying with him .

KarolKickie · 14/06/2025 19:02

I know it will sound trite but why do you stay in a marriage with no sex. Seems a waste of a life.

Original poster
dazedandblue · 14/06/2025 19:38

KarolKickie · 14/06/2025 19:02

I know it will sound trite but why do you stay in a marriage with no sex. Seems a waste of a life.

I think it's a combination of reasons, mainly around going through the stages of separation like selling the house, finding a new place to live, DC and co-parenting and custody, feeling like a bad person as in general DH has done nothing wrong, and then I think a bit of a fear of the unknown and being alone and lonely.

It just doesn't feel so simple and easy.

However, saying this, the last year or two I have been thinking exactly the same as you, my life feels like a waste of a life as it currently is.

OP posts:
Belladog1 · 14/06/2025 19:45

When I felt like I was living with a housemate.

I'd been married 32yrs. He was all I'd ever known, having married at 18.

But we stopped doing anything. We rarely talked, we never had sex and if we did he didn't consider me. We would sit and watch TV every night and if I asked to go out, perhaps for dinner ..... I would have to pay. If I suggested a holiday in this country, I would have to pay.

I loved him as a friend, but nothing else. Now I live alone with my dogs, and I have a partner who i don't live with, and im sooooo happy.

Original poster
dazedandblue · 14/06/2025 20:51

@Belladog1 oh my gosh! This feels like my life and we've only been married about 7-8 years!

OP posts:
MakingPlans2025 · 14/06/2025 20:55

When he told me I probably deserved the way my abusive mother had treated me as a child

IceLollyMummy · 14/06/2025 20:59

When i no longer saw any positives to being with him so for me it took a long time because I guess I'm a thick skinned pragmatic or a self loathing sucker for suffering!
Everyone has their threshold for pain and circumstances for whether they stay and how long for.
Make a list of what you get out of this relation and whether they can be got in a different or better way otherwise. Then see of what is left is worth it against a list of all the bads. Could the bads be fixed? I find it easier to decide when I journal.

copernicus5 · 14/06/2025 21:00

I was in the same boat and stuck it out for the last ten years of a thirty year marriage. I really wish I'd left sooner. I stayed for all the reasons you said, but it's been much easier and more worthwhile than I ever imagined. I wish I'd accepted the end of the marriage sooner.

Original poster
dazedandblue · 15/06/2025 11:38

MakingPlans2025 · 14/06/2025 20:55

When he told me I probably deserved the way my abusive mother had treated me as a child

This is awful! I am so sorry!

OP posts:
Original poster
dazedandblue · 15/06/2025 11:39

IceLollyMummy · 14/06/2025 20:59

When i no longer saw any positives to being with him so for me it took a long time because I guess I'm a thick skinned pragmatic or a self loathing sucker for suffering!
Everyone has their threshold for pain and circumstances for whether they stay and how long for.
Make a list of what you get out of this relation and whether they can be got in a different or better way otherwise. Then see of what is left is worth it against a list of all the bads. Could the bads be fixed? I find it easier to decide when I journal.

This is a really good idea, thank you!
I also feel a bit thick skinned, or I guess hopeful but I feel like I'm finally coming to my threshold. Life just can't be this for the next 50+ years.

OP posts:
Original poster
dazedandblue · 15/06/2025 11:41

copernicus5 · 14/06/2025 21:00

I was in the same boat and stuck it out for the last ten years of a thirty year marriage. I really wish I'd left sooner. I stayed for all the reasons you said, but it's been much easier and more worthwhile than I ever imagined. I wish I'd accepted the end of the marriage sooner.

@copernicus5 how did you even start the conversation , if I may ask? Did they feel the same way or did they feel totally blindsided and nothing was wrong?

OP posts:
Friendforlife · 15/06/2025 11:48

Talk to him he might be feeling the same way

copernicus5 · 15/06/2025 13:26

@copernicus5 how did you even start the conversation , if I may ask? Did they feel the same way or did they feel totally blindsided and nothing was wrong?

He was feeling the same way. I've learned that it's a typical pattern. He wanted to leave but, instead of taking responsibility, he just made things miserable until I finally called it. He's tried to make me out to be the bad guy throughout the divorce, but I reached a point of not caring. I'm so much happier in my own space. It hasn't all been easy and there's a definite grieving process, but I've never once regretted it. The kids are happier now that I'm happier too.

KTeachMom · 15/06/2025 14:52

dazedandblue · 14/06/2025 20:51

@Belladog1 oh my gosh! This feels like my life and we've only been married about 7-8 years!

Same here

Original poster
dazedandblue · 15/06/2025 18:15

I have tried to talk to him about it quite a few times but he just doesn't want to engage.
Either he'll just brush it off, or tell me it's not true or tell me what I'm saying isn't nice.

It's not a heated response in any way, he just doesn't want to talk about it or engage. And I don't really know how to go from there. Maybe he does feel the same way but life feels to 'cushty' otherwise to leave.

But something does need to change!

It is crazy to read how many people have gone something similar though!

OP posts:
secretanon · 15/06/2025 23:00

I did it 14 months ago after 21 years. Had been thinking about it for 7+ years prior. I just knew but the realization that it wasn’t normal spending evenings secretly looking on Rightmove for a house on my own and fantasizing about doing it was the wake up call. It’s the scariest, bravest thing I’ve ever done, but don’t regret it for a moment. I’d have ended up resenting him or worse still, having my head turned eventually. Living in a marriage of no affection or intimacy is just wrong. Yes we were friends and worked well-ish together as parents, but the ‘glue’ just wasn’t there. I’ve since started dating again and regret all the lost years of no sex… if you know, you just know. Good luck to you xxx

Stevehasachickenanditstastyashell · 15/06/2025 23:16

Similar situation, following with interest

Ohgoonthenanotheronefortheroad · 15/06/2025 23:21

Similar situation as OP. Have tried talking, met with silence or 'work stress' and tiredness. Wondering how long we carry on for 🤷🏻‍♀️

knowifIcando · 15/06/2025 23:27

When I sat down at the pub with him and literally couldn’t think of a single thing to say.

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