When did you know the relationship was over?

[dazedandblue]

I've been in a strange place with DH for years (no sex, no intimacy, sitting in separate rooms in the evenings) yet he's a good human and I do care for him deeply, but I don't know if the relationship has just run it's course (DH thinks we have a great life) and I've been deep in my head on what to do.

So I am wondering, outside of the very obvious things like domestic abuse and violence, when did you know the relationship was over and had run its course?

When I knew he was wasn’t capable of living up to his own standards.

We had a more or less open marriage (he claimed to be bisexual, actually with the benefit of hindsight i now know that he wasn't, he was gay). I knew I had to leave when I actually fell in love with another man I had started seeing and I realised that what I had felt for H wasn't love.

Tonight, I couldn’t bear to hear him breathing next to me in bed. I asked him to turn away and he called me a cunt.
Sexless marriage, full of resentment due to his debt for at least the last 10 years.,
I stay for the kids, because I don’t have the energy to leave, financially it would ruin me, I don’t want to end up alone and when the resentment is put aside temporarily we got on really well, as messed up as that sounds.
I need professional help to sort myself out.

How do deal day to day with your situation? I feel like I’m crawling in my skin most days and some days I feel I can’t be the best because of the stress

For me it was when I spontaneously burst into hot, angry tears on a solo trip to France. The space and distance had allowed me to reflect on the relationship and then that happened. I had lost all sexual attraction for him but was forcing myself to keep having sex with him to keep the peace. The realisation that I had been doing this for so long - effectively raping myself with his d*ck - was genuinely traumatic.

Unfortunately the relationship limped on for another year. He was also decent, caring etc. - we just weren’t right for each other.

We were together for 28 yrs. but sadly drifted apart like many couples do while raising a family. He spent many weeks working away Mon-Fri & then spent his weekends at the pub! So I guess I was used to being a single parent!

I then experienced the joys of peri-menopause & we drifted further apart and began to resent each other. We had lived separate lives since having the children. (They were then 16, 18 & 21)

Husband was and is a good person & good enough dad. He was patient, chilled & generous, however he wasn't an emotionally supportive partner & when I was struggling with anxiety & fibromyalgia he became highly critical towards me.

I knew then I needed to break away from him before we became toxic as my self esteem was already in the ground & I couldn't bear the thought of hating each other.

It was one of the bravest thing's that I've done in order to save myself from harming myself! & 5 years on, I have no regrets leaving & we remained amicable.

Although, I do have regrets about getting involved in another relationship 6 months after.... but that's another story!

The children were are main priority and they adapted better than expected.

Life is too short to be stuck in a rut.

Good people can separate and it's also healthy to own our own faults, rather than point the finger in the opposite direction.

I spent lots of time reflecting on both our failings & even though I know I could have given more, if he was able to meet me 1/4 of the way! (When in fact he gave me so little to work with) I still allowed him to think I was the problem!!

God almighty. You've only been married a few years and you say you could be facing another 50 years of this. You are young, still have so much life ahead of you, why choose this half-life in a mediocre relationship.

I honestly thought you were going to say you were in your 60s or 70s and couldn't face the upheaval of starting again.

Time flies. Your life slips away. Do you want to be 80 and looking back at 50/60 years of this and wishing you'd done something when you were younger?

This is me exactly.

I felt like I was just going through the motions of life but my emotions were so flat.

Now I really feel like I'm living every day. My life is so full and interesting.

And agree completely with this

"It’s the scariest, bravest thing I’ve ever done, but don’t regret it for a moment. I’d have ended up resenting him or worse still, having my head turned eventually. Living in a marriage of no affection or intimacy is just wrong. Yes we were friends and worked well-ish together as parents, but the ‘glue’ just wasn’t there. I’ve since started dating again and regret all the lost years of no sex… if you know, you just know."

It's scary and it's brave and you certainly find out who your friends are. But most of the fear is in your head, and you discover that no-one else really judges you (if there's no cheating)

It sounds like your marriage is already over: no sex, no intimacy, sitting in separate rooms in the evening. That’s not a marriage - there’s no togetherness. The fact that he’s happy with it is odd but suggests it won’t change. You’re right that this is no way to live.

Thank you so much @secretanon ! This really feels like our relationship too, though we are about 13 years into the relationship. I just feel so guilty from the sense that he has done nothing wrong.

@Ohgoonthenanotheronefortheroad aw I am so sorry you're going through this too! It's really quite disheartening isn't it when it comes to the lack of engagement or even willing to discuss. It's like they think we if don't talk about it, we just can pretend nothing is wrong.

I have this too! Though if I try to tell him about my work day he just tells me he doesn't understand anything and he's not interested. Yet more than happy to make me listen to his. I have called him out on it but he just ignores it.

I know it’s over, but am pretending to myself that it is fine

I am reading through everyone's responses and thank you so much for commenting!!

@Crushed23 oh wow! That sounds so rough!! I am so sorry!

@FlorenceB19 I love the aspect of owning our taults instead of going in as a blame game! I may try this approach next time I speak to him.

@Redflagsabounded tell me about it! In my 30s and this is my life and I think for the last few years I was hoping it would change, then I got really sad and felt so caged and unhappy and now I think I'm in some weird comeback, where I just don't want to live life like this for the next 50 years. It's just a scary thought to come to terms with, especially around divorce and the unknown.

@Dery you are right and I totally agree with you. I've tried talking to him about it multiple times and he just doesn't want to engage. But this cannot be life. Who would be happy to live like this for the next 50+ years.

I think I'm going to try talk to him in one of the next weekends we have that we are both off (DC in bed and no one has to go to work the next day).
Hopefully he will engage and we can have actual discussion, even if we don't have a solution or resolution, just to try hear each others' point of view properly and engage in an adult discussion.

"It's like they think we if don't talk about it, we just can pretend nothing is wrong." Yes, my ex was terrified to talk about it as he knew it was shit and no way to live but wasn't brave enough to call time on it.

Honestly I have never regretted for one moment taking the plunge. We only get one life, don't be too afraid to live it.

@dazedandblue - good luck for your conversation. Don’t let him fob you off. He may be happy with the situation but, if he is, he shouldn’t be married because what you describe is not a marriage. And, even if he is happy, you - quite rightly - are not.

Has anyone that has been in this type of relationship been able to work through it and change it?

Thank you so much! I’m hoping to try chat to him on Friday or Saturday. Fingers crossed he doesn’t just try to brush me off again.
The weird redeeming factor is that we’re still quite amicable and like housemates so if it does go down the separation road then maybe we can talk about it quite amicably and come to financial and custody terms quite quickly that feels reasonable for all.

Good question @KTeachMom!
I would love to know too!

Op i had this same conversation with my xh, it was so sad, I explained how I felt in our relationship, bit lost, very lonely, un loved, nothing in common, nothing to talk about, no affection,
He agreed with it all, felt the same, but felt we could plod along anyway, that's what made it sad, we both cried, we talked into the night while crying, we did agree on lots of things, staying amicable for the children ' young adults then, one still at home with girlfriend living there too, promise never to name call , only ever wanted to protect the children as much as we could,

I Know we both grieved out marriage, what should of been what could of been,

Now 16 year's on, gc , birthdays, weddings, we come together as friends for the children,

We both have partners now too, we talk re the gc or if our children if they need support or something doing were good at planning who's doing what and when,

So it can be done op, I didn't forsee how sad I felt yet relieved at the same time as I knew how I felt about my feelings for him and when he agreed he felt the same and had done for many years, i think that's what made it so sad, if that makes sense,

A small update: I’ve told DH that I want to talk tomorrow after DC is asleep. I know it’s weird to ”schedule” it in but with the way he brushes it off or makes excuses it felt like the right way to ”prep him” (for lack of a better word) instead of spring the conversation on him and him dismiss it.

wish me luck

Good luck.

good for you

When he made yet another comment about me not spending enough time with him (I have small kids) and I realised no matter what I did, he was never going to be happy and his resentment of them and me was just going to grow.

Previous relationship: after yet another barrage of abuse and I realised I didn't want the children to think this was normal. Tough break but we made it.

You're got this op try and stay calm get your points across, remember your not asking permission here your telling him how you feel and what you want , good luck op,