When did you know the relationship was over?

[dazedandblue]

I've been in a strange place with DH for years (no sex, no intimacy, sitting in separate rooms in the evenings) yet he's a good human and I do care for him deeply, but I don't know if the relationship has just run it's course (DH thinks we have a great life) and I've been deep in my head on what to do.

So I am wondering, outside of the very obvious things like domestic abuse and violence, when did you know the relationship was over and had run its course?

Good luck .., it might be a good idea to put on paper all your thoughts and feels and go over them one by one when you speak to your husband. I find this helps me when I need to discuss things with my partner. I hope it goes ok.

Thank you so much for posting this. I am three weeks down after our chat, which sounds so similar to yours as does our situation. I am sad but also very relieved.
Your post has given me hope for the future.

Good luck, I hope he actually listens ti you this time and doesn't brush it off.

When I was about 18 months off 50 and realised I could live another 50 years but not like that. I deserved to be happy.
when I realised that if an affair opportunity presented itself I’d really struggle to turn it down.
it took me a good 3 years to realise that I was flogging a dead horse, and the break up was tough. I’d been telling him for a long time I was unhappy and he admitted he’d buried his head in the sand. He was unable or unwilling to change anything.
i was coparenting with a flatmate, with no affection, intimacy or communication

I haven’t regretted it for a second. DC are fine, we split 50/50. I have another partner now who is the male version of me and we’re buying a house together

Please do it now, don’t put it off any longer than you have to. Get your ducks in a row and make plans to make yourself happy

Have you made your mind up what you want to do? Is end game try to fix marriage together or ask for separation? I suppose some of this hinges on of you still love and fancy your DH but I think likely not due to lack of sex and emotional intimacy.

Aww I cried randomly for months afterwards comes from no were, like sitting on the bus, but I realised I was grieving for the love I missed over years, and the changes that were to be made, for our children,

So don't be surprised if randomly you burst out crying, while shopping or putting petrol in the car 😳
The relief was overwhelming, and the fear of the future was frightening but exciting too,

When I realised I looked forward to the weekends that he was working both days.

When you’re happier to be on your own than with your DP, it’s definitely over imo.

I think he can sense something as he’s being overly nice today and giving me a hug where he would never usually.
I feel it’s been so long and I guess I’ve sort of come to terms with it that it just felt a bit awkward and weird rather than intimate. I don’t really know if that makes sense.

im going to try list out my thoughts beforehand so I feel about more prepared.
i don’t really have an outcome in mind yet, rather hoping we can actually have a conversation and see where it takes us.

Good luck OP.

Oh op yes the hug, I had a moment when I got an hug and I froze it was so awkward like you said,
You do a list be honest about your feeling, and sit and wait see what he says, your wanting to know how he feels not a debate on weather your feels are right or wrong don't let him do that , say ' well that's how I have been feeling now for xxx amount of time ' my xh did the ' well of course i love just because I don't show it or say it doesn't mean I don't love you ' he hadn't said the words in 8 years, but I was meant to know, now I have a crystal ball just incase ( only joking)

Oh my gosh -
So we talked for the best part of 2 hours.

All civilised.
Though he felt I was attacking him and it was all his fault. I never said these words, literally just how I felt.
He just didn’t agree and felt I was focussing on the negatives and genuinely felt life was pretty good.
So I said well if we have such different opinions and outlooks on our situation then there must be a disconnect somewhere.
He just thought it is because I’m focussing on the negatives.

Overall, we agreed on 4 things we’d put into action in the next months to help improve our situation.

The sad thing is after this conversation I just don’t feel the “spark”, or whatever you want to call it, anymore.
Can I bring back the attraction?

Don’t get me wrong, I care for him deeply and love him, but it doesn’t feel like a romantic love anymore. He’s done nothing wrong and is so oblivious which makes it so much worse.

When he started up yet another argument… this time it was 23:30 on NYE. We argued and I stormed off upstairs. First NYE alone. I knew it was over.

@dazedandblue I’ve been in 3 long term relationships ( two marriages and 1 live in) now 63 - I’ve never felt the spark as i think you mean in any after 7 years if I’m very honest with myself - i liked them all more like a great friend and simply didn’t want sex beyond a certain point - thing is im now63 so not such a big deal - but it was when i was younger .

@dazedandblue I think after so long and after such a serious conversation, it would be unlikely you would want to rip his clothes off 😅.

Was the lack of physical and emotional intimacy addressed. Was anything put into place. If I were in your situation I would discuss introducing the following.

1. daily check in after work about how the others day was
2. sitting in the same living room - is there anything you have a shared interest in?
3. slowly introducing touch back into your relationship…: as a stepping stone to rebuilding your sex life? Or does the thought of having sex with him put you off?

It seems he’s happy with how things are and doesn’t see anything is wrong. This probably doesn’t make you feel seen or heard right now.

@SillyMillieMops It’s worrying when you have that feeling, isn’t it. I’ve been having that for a while now and wondering whether it’s spelling the death keel or it’s just that I’m on the verge of menopause and generally feeling grumpy! V. similar to the OP’s husband, a nice person, great Dad, etc., but the romance has gone and even the friendship is shaky nowadays. I’m not sure what to think tbh.

Give it a few months, trying these things. Then i’d raise separating. I think when you stop having sex, it can be very difficult to get it back again. Give it a go if things aren’t abusive, but don’t let it go on indefinitely. A friend of mine died unexpectedly a few months ago and it’s made me see more than ever how short life is, and living in an unhappy relationship for years is a waste of life. You could both be happier apart. He clearly doesn’t think so as he appears to be happy with the status quo, but you’re clearly not, and you’re well within your rights to think that.

It’s tough. But I knew I had to do it. Not quite as complicated for me as he wasn’t my DC’s dad and it was my house, not married etc. We’d been together 8 years and he was the closest thing my DC had to a dad as their own father isn’t interested in them.

All that being said though, asking him to move out was the right thing to do. I was peri too but as soon as he left, I felt so much more peaceful. That was 3 years ago and I’ve never regretted it.

Good luck, whatever you choose to do I hope you’re happy - it’s all any of us want 💐

It's definitely possible to get the spark back but effort is needed maybe marriage counciling? Date nights when kids are in bed make time for each other and then if the spark still isn't there we'll atleast u can say you've tried everything

This op 👆
Cats out thr bag now, give him time to think about you conversation, hopefully it's the kick up the arse some need, we can become complacent, routine, children working , this now will be showing how he reacts in coming days/ weeks,

I applaud you op, it's a difficult conversation to have and keep it civil,

I learnt in my situation my xh only seen things in black or white never gray, so therefore need to blame, things like, it's you, its menopause, or, your just being silly, your over thinking, your working to much,
Yes all these and more, I kept to what I knew and my feeling had changed,
Wish you the very best of luck op in coming months I really do, keep strong 💪
💐💐

Where do I start…

So, I’ve been married for coming up to 15 years (I’m 41 years old) and I’m so lonely. My husband is mostly a nice guy and I do love him but I’m so upset with him right now. For the past 12/13 years he’s slept in a separate room to me. I’ve begged him to sleep with me but he never does. We have sex about twice a year and it’s always initiated by me. No touching, kissing, intimacy at all.

I have tried telling him this isn’t what I want so many times but nothing changes. It all came to a head on holiday recently but then we had the best time. Sex twice a day, kissing, intimacy, talking, laughing etc etc. I was so happy. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. Fast forward to the day before we came home and I got upset and explained it’s because I feel like I’ve fallen in love with him (and our marriage) all over again. I told him I’m scared that we get home and everything goes back to how it was. He assured me it wouldn’t.

well I’m back in the UK crying myself to sleep all alone again!

what can I do?! Is it just the end of the marriage?? I feel like he just “performed” on holiday for me and none of it was real. I’m heartbroken.

Thank you everyone!

So 2.5 months since my last post, nothing has changed.
Still no sex and to be honest, I just don't find him attractive right now in a sexual way.

We make a good team and great with coordinating schedules for our DS and great at giving each other 'me time'.
We have a few people going through divorce and separation at the moment and he tells me he doesn't want to talk about it and he doesn't believe in it.

I don't really know what to do.

I just feel a bit stuck, but equally, is being alone any better. I don't know.
Sorry for the train of thought post!

When he said, after two years of desperation and trying to put it back together, he said he wanted to move back in and try again…but the conversation went like this…

Me: Tell me when you last slept with OW?
Him: OOHH, don't ask me that.
Me: So why are you asking to come back, if you are still sleeping with her
Him: It was on offer…

With those words, I knew I deserved better.

When I blurted out ‘I want a divorce’ - I hadn’t really realised I was thinking it. We’d been married 9 years.

Second relationship - when I realised I would rather go to a wedding where I knew no one apart from the bride without him because I knew he would be a complete embarrassment.

I knew it was over when I realised I couldn’t stand the sound of his breathing. We are now apart and best friends.

Overall, we agreed on 4 things we’d put into action in the next months to help improve our situation So what were the four things and have you put them into action?

I think that you should tell him that this situation is not going to go away, that you are not willing to spend the rest of your married life like this and it doesn’t matter whether or not he believes in divorce or not, because you don’t need his permission to divorce him. I think I would tell him that he has until the new Year to turn it around and start making you feel like his wife, rather than his housemate.

You’ve got out of the habit of seeing each other as something desirable and into the habit of seeing the other like a standard lamp, or a cosy dressing gown. You need to remember what made you fancy each other again, before you can decide whether that attraction will ever come back. Tell him that you expect to take turns arranging to go out together every fortnight. You might have to take the initiative to arrange the first one. Choose something easy for the first few dates, something like a film followed by a meal, so you’ve got something to talk about. Have a list in your head. Talk about each other’s hobbies, childhood memories, first crushes, the next James Bond, whether there are any local bands or comedy nights you could go to together, potential holiday destinations. Does he want to do a couch to 5k with you? Flirt with him. Hold his hand. Not sex, because you need to work out how you feel first, but definitely flirting. Establish him in your head as a sexual being.

And if a few weeks of that leaves you feeling flat and completely dead inside, like you’re talking to your geography teacher, or if he’s not meeting you half way and doing his best to make you want to tear his pants off, then come the first of January, you can go to the lawyer’s office in the knowledge that you gave it everything you had and nobody could have asked more of you.