When did you know the relationship was over?

[dazedandblue]

I've been in a strange place with DH for years (no sex, no intimacy, sitting in separate rooms in the evenings) yet he's a good human and I do care for him deeply, but I don't know if the relationship has just run it's course (DH thinks we have a great life) and I've been deep in my head on what to do.

So I am wondering, outside of the very obvious things like domestic abuse and violence, when did you know the relationship was over and had run its course?

What a mess.

When I started thinking the best end to our relationship would be if he died.
Now divorced I can't believe I actually thought that about another human being.
Im glad we're divorced and I don't want to stay in touch.

You can still be a good team living separately. As neither of you have been unfaithful, there should be no bitterness and no barriers to working together to parent your children effectively in this new situation.

What does he mean when he says that he 'doesn't believe in' separation and divorce? He can say that he doesn't want to separate or divorce, but he can't make a unilateral decision. If you want to separate and divorce, he can't stop you.

It sounds like he’s not taking your concerns seriously and is not willing to work on the relationship. Perhaps suggest counselling? If he’d engage with that there might be a chance but while he’s sat there happy with the situation the only other option is to leave.

You say you feel guilty as he’s not doing anything wrong but he is doing lots of things wrong! He sounds like he’s very distant from you and completely happy with that. Happy to ignore how you feel and happy to not have an intimate relationship anymore. You only get one life, if he refuses to work in the relationship or try counselling I’d leave. You deserve much, much better.

Hey OP, just wanted to say I've read the whole thread today and can relate to a lot of what you're saying. I've been married for 13 years, together for 17, and two DC (secondary school age). We've built a life together. I'm sure he thinks things are fine, just coasting along, sex once or twice a year when I initiate it. We are more like friends cohabiting these days. I don't fancy him any more and 99% sure the feeling is mutual (is this normal in such a long relationship?).

I'm going back to counselling soon (he refuses to do couples counselling; I've tried in the past) to help get some clarity. Like others have said, dh will no doubt try to minimise and normalise, but he can't speak for how I feel. I'm mid 40's and don't want to spend the rest of my life like this. It makes sense to stay together for the children though, financially and for stability. I will feel selfish for breaking up the family when DH is a good man, looks after us financially, isn't abusive etc. It's so hard.