I feel Unappreciated buy my husband

[Pen875]

Has anyone ever left a marriage because they have felt unappreciated from their husband's and in their marriage and when your husband asks you to do something it's not good enough for him

I would have thought this very common yes. A lot of people in long term relationships slide into complacency gradually.

And be honest, do you do it as well|? When was the last time you took your dh out for lunch/a pint/a movie/coffee?

I am the only one who does stuff like that because he doesn't bother anymore and he does not work anymore I work one fall time job and a part time job and I then have to come home and do extra all the house work and cooking and washing and washing up after dinner I get home from work at 9 sometimes 10pm

Is he retired. If he isn't working he should be doing more of the housework and cooking family meals

No he is not retired he chose to stop working he used to be a builder but he gave work up to make sure that I was doing the house work right and getting his dinner on the table for him but apparently when I get dinner on the table for him it's not good enough or he doesn't like it

I work one fall time job and a part time job and I then have to come home and do extra all the house work and cooking and washing and washing up after dinner I get home from work at 9 sometimes 10pm

Full time?

Why are you working a full time job and a part time job and he isn't working at all? Is your husband is very ill or retired?

This is not sustainable. Do you have children? Whose name is your house in?

This all sounds really fucked up. If he’s not working, he should be dealing with most of the household tasks and the cooking. Giving up work because he felt you weren’t doing things right in the home but now he does nothing!? And he doesn’t like the way you do dinner but you still have to cook dinner and with 1.5 jobs.

You’re saying you feel unappreciated but it sounds like you have much bigger problems than a lack of appreciation. He sounds awful. He sounds abusive.

What does he bring to the table? Why are you still with him?

That's not unappreciative it's abusive.

he gave work up to make sure that I was doing the house work right and getting his dinner on the table for him

Why didn't you leave him at this point?!

So he's an abusive man whose controlling you and treating you like a slave. Definitely leave. No question, this marriage needs to end.

As @Alacartemenu says, you need out of this marriage. It will destroy you.

Both of our names are on the house and yes we do have children together 4 a 6 year old son and daughters are 7 and 8 and 9 son

If I ask him to do anything to help me with the house work or the children he will start a huge argument with myself

He's abusing you.

Do you understand why I feel unappreciated buy my own husband and in our marriage

This is abuse. How does his unhappiness with you manifest? Is her verbally abusive? Physically abusive? Does he take your money?

Yes, I understand why you feel unappreciated. But, do you understand this is much more than not being “appreciated”? His behaviour is abusive, controlling and totally unacceptable. He does not sound willing to change, so you need to leave. How could you be worse off without him, when he contributes literally nothing?

Do you understand why I feel unappreciated buy my own husband and in our marriage

I just don't think 'unappreciated' is really capturing it!

Controlled
Undermined
Bullied
Abused

I would have left this man the minute he gave up work to check I was doing the housework properly.

This sounds like a lot more than just a lack of appreciation! He has just opted out of all family and household responsibility and paid work in order to stay at home and watch you do it all? That's insane. You need to divorce him. You wouldn't be any worse off, as he is contributing absolutely nothing anyway!

Yes he does take my money and when you say physically abusive what do you mean

Let me be the first to use the C word, he's a cocklodger, does he eat food, smoke, drink alcohol, watch TV, and he expects you to pay for this. Don't you think that's unfair.

Agree with PP - why are you focusing on the lack of appreciation? That suggests that you would be okay with being the only one who works, runs the household and does the parenting, as long as your husband was grateful.

But the real problem is he’s lazy, selfish and abusive. He should be doing huge amounts more but he bullies you into silence when you ask him to step up. Frankly, it’s worrying to hear you have 4 children because he’s a dreadful role model. It sounds like you were a proper SAHM busy with the tiny children (in which case, of course the housework slipped) whereas he’s sitting at home while the children are at school.

He takes your money. He is lazy and exploitative. This is abuse.

Physical abuse is where someone hits you or pushes you or is physically violent in some way. Sexual coercion/abuse is also a form of physical abuse.

What is the point of him? He sounds appalling and you sound very vulnerable, particularly you apparently can’t see how awful he is.

He watchs tv all day and he does eat but we both quite smoking and he doesn't drink alcohol

How long has this situation been going on? Do you have any support from friends/family if you were to consider leaving him and taking the children?

I have told him to leave before he refused to and I have been thinking about moving out

You shouldn’t need to ask your husband to “help” you run the house. It is not your house and he’s a guest doing you a favour. He lives there and is a member of the household.

If you weren’t together and he lived alone he would he doing all of these things for himself.

If he doesn’t work how do you pay for the house, bills and to live?

He’s an abusive lazy tosser.