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Original poster

Is this A Thing now?? (sex-related)

128 replies

Spf50AndAbove · 13/06/2025 14:34

Split up with exH 5 years ago and in that time I have slept with 5 men since. Out of these, 4 of them have not reached climax most or all of the times we slept together. I found it really weird. They just 'kept going' for literally hours. We would have sex for a bit then have a break / rest then more sex. But they didn't cum. Or they only came once or twice out of many times.

Is it a porn thing? One of them was quite open about his porn usage 😒

I remember back in 90s / y2k there was lots of talk of premature ejaculation but this is like the opposite of that. They just didn't seem to be able to 'finish' at all.

The only other thing I can think of is secretly taking viagra? But sometimes they'd lose their erections so I am not sure it was this.

The 5th guy, the odd one out, was very apologetic as he only lasted for about 10 / 15 mins or so but honestly it was much nicer having "normal" sex for a normal amount of time rather than some weirdly long sex marathon.

When I was married we would have sex for a normal length of time. But we stopped having sex in about 2018. So I am just wondering whether this is now the done thing!

OP posts:
NanCydrewandtheclueinthename · 13/06/2025 19:49

It’s a common form of ED. It’ll be their age combined with other factors.

Original poster
Spf50AndAbove · 13/06/2025 19:55

BrunetteBarbie94 · 13/06/2025 17:06

Other than porn, it is actually pretty common for avoidant men to be like this and struggle to reach orgasm, its about not being able to be vulnerable in front of someone and these are men with serious emotional issues.

And of course, the most extreme avoidant men are still in the dating pool so makes sense you would have stumbled across 4 of them. Whether it's porn or an extreme avoidant attachment style, neither bodes well for a happy relationship.

Oh that's a bit grim 😬
Yes they were all quite avoidant to be fair - that's why I'm not with them 😭

OP posts:
Original poster
Spf50AndAbove · 13/06/2025 19:58

GauntJudy · 13/06/2025 16:19

I guess viagra is readily available these days so more men probably take it. I'm out of the dating game so don't know what's typical these days. I don't think I'd enjoy it going on for so long. Do they seem to be enjoying it?

Yes they did seem to be and then after a while, like 20 mins or so, they'd say a bit sheepishly "shall we have a bit of breather then?" (depending on their personality, some were more sheepish than others!). Then it'd be round 2, round 3 etc. rinse and repeat for hours!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Spf50AndAbove · 13/06/2025 20:01

BrunetteBarbie94 · 13/06/2025 18:01

Exactly this. Mixing sex with an emotional connection literally puts them in fear for their lives and they can't continue! Not that they would communicate it like that. But its why you may have a guy who loved casual sex when he was young but when he finally marries has a sexless marriage.

Sex and emotions have to remain forever detached. It is so much more common than people realise but psychologists are very aware of this! They hear it over and over again from couples in therapy!

Show quote history

Interesting!

OP posts:
Yorkshiredolls · 13/06/2025 20:02

Could be antidepressants? Some
of them can prevent/delay orgasm

pinkglitter12 · 13/06/2025 20:04

Men also rub one out on purpose before meeting to have sex so they can last longer...for some reason they think the poor woman appreciates it.

Mischance · 13/06/2025 20:05

Kept going "for hours" - you must have had fanny fatigue. Got to be prn. How it perverts normal relationships.

I knew a woman whose hubby had dementia and he would set off to DTD and then forget what he was doing and she was stuck with him there - so sad.

Original poster
Spf50AndAbove · 13/06/2025 20:06

SexEdInMy50s · 13/06/2025 16:45

These ages are really surprising to me.
I had convinced myself it was likely to be an age thing as, like a PP, I have come across other older men who have all the talk before getting to the bedroom but then can’t maintain erections for very long at all, especially with condoms.
Condoms definitely do seem to detract from male pleasure.

I’m actually quite jealous of you finding 4 of them OP! Pretty unlikely odds I would’ve thought… although, if they aren’t very imaginative or thoughtful partners and just ‘pound away’ for ages then yes, I can believe it’s too long.
I must’ve been lucky

Show quote history

It seemed great at first but eventually I'd want to stop, so we would, but then it sort of felt 'unfair' because with all the partners I'd had up to and including my exH the guy would finish, normal after or at the same time as me climaxing.

I must admit I didn't ever really raise the subject as these were more like FWB or flings and not serious relationships and some of them I only slept with a handful of times. It was only afterwards when I ended things with the most recent one that I started joining the dots and thinking "X did that too. And so did Y. And so did Z for that matter!"

OP posts:
Original poster
Spf50AndAbove · 13/06/2025 20:07

Mischance · 13/06/2025 20:05

Kept going "for hours" - you must have had fanny fatigue. Got to be prn. How it perverts normal relationships.

I knew a woman whose hubby had dementia and he would set off to DTD and then forget what he was doing and she was stuck with him there - so sad.

Yeah as I say it was nice at first, up all night kind of thing, but it just started feeling a bit weird and then the next morning I'd feel a bit raw, down there!

OP posts:
Original poster
Spf50AndAbove · 13/06/2025 20:10

Yorkshiredolls · 13/06/2025 20:02

Could be antidepressants? Some
of them can prevent/delay orgasm

Don't think so but couldn't rule it out with absolute certainty as these were only casual relationships, if you can call them that. None of them mentioned being on AD's and I didn't see any AD meds at their houses. 2 were very anti-AD tin-foil hat types so I'd be really surprised if they were taking them unless it was a case of the lady doth protest too much

OP posts:
TheFlakyAquaSloth · 13/06/2025 20:13

FictionalCharacter · 13/06/2025 16:48

Yep, most likely porn. A lot has been written about this. Some men can only orgasm when they view extreme content, then they get bored by that, can’t orgasm again and look for even more extreme content.
There’s also an issue a PP touched on, where the man lost his erection when the focus was on her. Porn doesn’t portray female pleasure and satisfaction, at least not accurately. In porn, they make ecstatic orgasm noises when they’re giving BJs and being ejaculated on, or penetrated as hard and fast as possible. And you wouldn’t think any of them had a clitoris - it’s irrelevant.

This. It’s most definitely porn and the death grip and desensitised nature.

My friend had a new boyfriend in their 30s. He could not orgasm. He admitted using porn for the previous 2 years and not having sex as wasn’t in a committed relationship. She didn’t bin him. They kept talking. He stopped and scaled back the porn use to eventually not using it took 6 weeks and sex life was then normal and has been normal since. They are now married.

Also it’s a very very real effect of AD on the ability of men and women to orgasm.

knowifIcando · 13/06/2025 20:16

Spf50AndAbove · 13/06/2025 14:34

Split up with exH 5 years ago and in that time I have slept with 5 men since. Out of these, 4 of them have not reached climax most or all of the times we slept together. I found it really weird. They just 'kept going' for literally hours. We would have sex for a bit then have a break / rest then more sex. But they didn't cum. Or they only came once or twice out of many times.

Is it a porn thing? One of them was quite open about his porn usage 😒

I remember back in 90s / y2k there was lots of talk of premature ejaculation but this is like the opposite of that. They just didn't seem to be able to 'finish' at all.

The only other thing I can think of is secretly taking viagra? But sometimes they'd lose their erections so I am not sure it was this.

The 5th guy, the odd one out, was very apologetic as he only lasted for about 10 / 15 mins or so but honestly it was much nicer having "normal" sex for a normal amount of time rather than some weirdly long sex marathon.

When I was married we would have sex for a normal length of time. But we stopped having sex in about 2018. So I am just wondering whether this is now the done thing!

I’ve had this. I think it’s a mix of watching too much porn meaning they’re too used to a tighter grip, and cocaine.

ERthree · 13/06/2025 20:25

Thank god DH thinks 10 minutes is a marathon.

CroissantAndChips · 13/06/2025 20:28

My guy was avoidant for sure but wasn't on coke. He drank for England though!

I've had guys message me on OLD bragging they can go for hours - no thanks!

Gymbunny2025 · 13/06/2025 20:44

That sounds absolutely awful!

MauriceTheMussel · 13/06/2025 20:45

Forget the chafe, how much mental list making are you doing during it? Any longer than 15 mins with DH and I’m thinking I need to add Dettol to the online shop

OnlyFannys · 13/06/2025 20:50

My partner takes ages to get there, he has always been that way and said it has caused issues in previous relationships especially if he couldn't finish (he doesn't seem to have that problem with me so I take that as a compliment 😂). The main issue for me is that between different work patterns, needy dogs and kids in the house it means finding time to actually have sex is a challenge as we both know we can't get away with a few minute quickie so it takes away from the spontaneity to a degree. He is a gentleman though and makes sure I get there multiple times so I don't mind having to clear my schedule quite so much...

Faulksonline · 13/06/2025 20:51

Def viagra. My current BF was the same when we were friends with benefits. Go all night with lots of breaks but rarely finished, we have more regular sex now, but when he’s been too pist to get it up, so to speak, he has mentioned a little help

CroissantAndChips · 13/06/2025 20:51

They never want to massage me for hours, it's always hours in boring, jaw aching and awkward positions like 69s .

CroissantAndChips · 13/06/2025 20:53

@OnlyFannys do you know why he takes so long?

MollyRover · 13/06/2025 20:56

That is almost certainly viagra/cialis/whateveryourehaving.

OnlyFannys · 13/06/2025 20:56

CroissantAndChips · 13/06/2025 20:53

@OnlyFannys do you know why he takes so long?

No he said its always been a thing since he was a teenager, he doesn't know either. He doesn't really drink much so we aren't sure

Nametobechanged · 13/06/2025 21:03

DH had this issue when we got together. Still don’t know what caused it. He did masturbate a lot (with a lot of pressure), he was also on antidepressants and wary/ untrusting after his divorce.
It gradually got better and now isn’t an issue at all. I suspect it was a combination of all 3, although he is still on the medication and probably still wanks in the same way 🤷🏻‍♀️

SamphiretheTervosaur · 13/06/2025 21:06

WeekendFreedom · 13/06/2025 16:28

Are they using condoms? Some men can’t cum whilst wearing one

That's only ever claimed by a certain type of man

EBearhug · 13/06/2025 21:13

I've had a couple, one in his early 50s, the other has just turned 60. Well, another in his 40s didn't often cum, but he often couldn't sustain an erection at all.

The one in his early 50s - it was definitely a mental thing around trust. I could finish him off fairly quickly with a mouth or hand, but the first time he came inside me, he was delighted. The other guy, I don't know. Neither of these two struggled with getting hard or staying hard, which can't be said of all men this age. The first was definitely not on Viagra, nor come. I'm pretty certain the other wasn't either.

I don't actually care. They were both capable of asking what they wanted. I'm usually happy to go on for a long time, and many men don't care about women's orgasms. They've had a good enough time they came back again and again.

Other men have been variable. One guy came very quickly. Another was delighted he lasted as far as orgasm, because his medication meant his erections were never guaranteed to happen at all, or to last for long. One guy was really into edging. Most of them were fairly average.

So, in my survey of the last few years, it's not unknown, there's lots of variation.

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