Is this A Thing now?? (sex-related)

[Spf50AndAbove]

Split up with exH 5 years ago and in that time I have slept with 5 men since. Out of these, 4 of them have not reached climax most or all of the times we slept together. I found it really weird. They just 'kept going' for literally hours. We would have sex for a bit then have a break / rest then more sex. But they didn't cum. Or they only came once or twice out of many times.

Is it a porn thing? One of them was quite open about his porn usage 😒

I remember back in 90s / y2k there was lots of talk of premature ejaculation but this is like the opposite of that. They just didn't seem to be able to 'finish' at all.

The only other thing I can think of is secretly taking viagra? But sometimes they'd lose their erections so I am not sure it was this.

The 5th guy, the odd one out, was very apologetic as he only lasted for about 10 / 15 mins or so but honestly it was much nicer having "normal" sex for a normal amount of time rather than some weirdly long sex marathon.

When I was married we would have sex for a normal length of time. But we stopped having sex in about 2018. So I am just wondering whether this is now the done thing!

I guess viagra is readily available these days so more men probably take it. I'm out of the dating game so don't know what's typical these days. I don't think I'd enjoy it going on for so long. Do they seem to be enjoying it?

Viagra does not necessarily stop you coming due to illness. My partner takes it regularly, and he has no problems coming in a normal time span
i would agree with the porn situation.

Are they using condoms? Some men can’t cum whilst wearing one

So glad to see this. I could’ve written this post. I’ve had the same experience in recent years with 2 different men. Exactly the same.
Hours of sex, with some rest and only an occasional loss of erection but like you, enough to be sure it’s a natural erection, not an artificial cause. Their erections would tend to subside a little when the focus was on me, but willing and easily return when we changed activity.

Both were in their early 50s and both reassured me that they were having a genuinely good time, and it wasn’t a problem for them that they couldn’t - or rather I should say, didn’t - ‘finish’ very often. It was normal for them. One said he had always been like that, the other said his erections lasted much longer as he got older. Both would orgasm less than half the number of times we had sex.

The first relationship lasted a very long time and after the first few times, I asked about it as I was worried that he couldn’t relax with me. I had researched it, especially on the Sex board here, and learned about porn and Death Grip. He said only used porn occasionally and I’ve no reason to doubt him. The 2nd guy also said didn’t look at porn much, he masturbates using lube when alone and not that often. Both were also very generous lovers, not at all selfish and really wanted to make sure that I had a good time.

So I guess in both cases it COULD be death grip, and they’ve ended up with desensitisation. However, it hasn’t been a problem for either of them. And definitely wasn’t for me either. Personally I loved it in both cases (once I was reassured that they genuinely didn’t mind). Lots of foreplay & non PIV so not at all boring. We tended to end when both of us were tired and satisfied, regardless of who had achieved x amount of orgasms. Although we did have ‘quickie’ sessions too.

My current relationship is a more normal situation and I have to say, I really miss the sex marathons. It reminds me of being young when my long term boyfriend had a very short refractory period.

Interesting about the alcohol effects…
In my case one didn’t drink at all. The other would share a bottle of wine with me, or have maybe up to 4/5 beers.

When I was young, one bf used to drink LOTS and was then unable to achieve erection at all.

These ages are really surprising to me.
I had convinced myself it was likely to be an age thing as, like a PP, I have come across other older men who have all the talk before getting to the bedroom but then can’t maintain erections for very long at all, especially with condoms.
Condoms definitely do seem to detract from male pleasure.

I’m actually quite jealous of you finding 4 of them OP! Pretty unlikely odds I would’ve thought… although, if they aren’t very imaginative or thoughtful partners and just ‘pound away’ for ages then yes, I can believe it’s too long.
I must’ve been lucky

Most likely cocaine. It's everywhere

Yep, most likely porn. A lot has been written about this. Some men can only orgasm when they view extreme content, then they get bored by that, can’t orgasm again and look for even more extreme content.
There’s also an issue a PP touched on, where the man lost his erection when the focus was on her. Porn doesn’t portray female pleasure and satisfaction, at least not accurately. In porn, they make ecstatic orgasm noises when they’re giving BJs and being ejaculated on, or penetrated as hard and fast as possible. And you wouldn’t think any of them had a clitoris - it’s irrelevant.

I would probably want to just ask. My ex’s circumcision was mildly botched so this was an issue for him. Similar to what you have described but he straight up told me before we had sex. Basically “hay it’s not you it’s my botched circumcision, just because I don’t cum doesn’t mean I'm not enjoying it” which was actually kind of nice to know. It is probably prob for some of them and age for others.

Oh that is interesting. The 35 yr old was circumcised, the others weren't though.

It’s Viagra, sorry I’ve looked through the first pages, it’s definitely Viagra…they last for ages. Becomes very boring after a while

Other than porn, it is actually pretty common for avoidant men to be like this and struggle to reach orgasm, its about not being able to be vulnerable in front of someone and these are men with serious emotional issues.

And of course, the most extreme avoidant men are still in the dating pool so makes sense you would have stumbled across 4 of them. Whether it's porn or an extreme avoidant attachment style, neither bodes well for a happy relationship.

My first thought was viagra

My partner fits in the same age bracket and he can be the same, more often than not. I've put it down to a combination of death grip and edging when he masturbates. He likes to have a long wank, like for an hour or so. The result of which is that when we're together, sex can go on waaaaay longer than I would like. Definitely not cocaine or Viagra in his case. I do call him out on it tho as it's making sex less enjoyable when it's gone on for too long.

That’s really interesting… one of my partners with this issue is definitely very avoidant. We met originally with the intention of FWB only as he’s very honest and freely admitted wasn’t available for a traditional relationship.

I was fine with that, he was a total gentleman and we had fantastic sex for many months. Sadly ended because he becomes uncomfortable when he gets to know people very well (as you say, emotional issues).

They still eventually climax even with edging. This sounds more like they stop when they are tired and then go again but never climax.

3 possibilities

Death Grip. Look it up
they can often only cum when they use their hand as it’s what they are used to when watching porn

a hand can be very tight much tighter than a vagina so they don’t get what they want feeling wise

its not you it’s them
get them to wank after have had your orgasm and they will cum in 30 seconds 😆

Coke can also make it hard to cum but it also makes the dick soft / hard soft hard can’t make up its mind what it wants
again not you - them

viagra - gets you hard but you can’t cum or it’s really hard to cum

I've dated and/or had sex with men from 33 to 58 in the last few years (a few from each decade 😂), and I haven't come across this? I did have it with an ex in his 30s when I was in my 20s, but I brought it up and he said it was just normal for him. Haven't you had conversations with them about it?

Well, according to Esther Perel on DOAC yesterday, you’re right OP, it is a porn thing.

Christ, that sounds horrific. I’m so glad DH has always been pretty swift!

Exactly this. Mixing sex with an emotional connection literally puts them in fear for their lives and they can't continue! Not that they would communicate it like that. But its why you may have a guy who loved casual sex when he was young but when he finally marries has a sexless marriage.

Sex and emotions have to remain forever detached. It is so much more common than people realise but psychologists are very aware of this! They hear it over and over again from couples in therapy!

Recently single, had sex with one uncircumcised man in his 50s, drinks heavily and lots of porn use. Goes soft in sex and takes forever or doesn't cum but when he wanks himself he cums in 2 seconds. Makes me feel awful about myself.

That’s on him not you, I instruct you to not feel awful about yourself.
The fact that he drinks heavily and uses porn a lot should be turning you off him. Bloody hope you’re not still shagging him.

My money is on a combination of a reliance on porn and viagra.

Sorry I know it’s not relevant but I’ve never heard of marching the penguin but it’s really tickled me! Maybe I’ve had a sheltered life 😂