Found out DH kissed his best mate while drunk

[Alitea]

Feeling a bit wobbly so just posting to get this out and see what others think.

DH has been really off the past few weeks – short tempered, snappy over nothing, just not himself. I thought maybe work stress or he was tired (we’ve got a toddler and been TTC for a few months now), but it’s been bubbling under for a bit.

Last night I asked him straight out what was going on and he ended up admitting he’s kissed his best mate. Not once but a few times. Said it’s only ever been when they were drunk, but one of those times was on his stag do back in Jan, which I knew nothing about.

His best mate is bi and they’re very close. Always chatting privately, loads of inside jokes, texting each other constantly. He always makes little comments when we’re all together – stuff like “don’t be jealous” or joking about stealing DH away. I’ve always seen it as harmless banter and never thought anything of it.

DH says it’s just been silly, drunken stuff, never serious, doesn’t mean anything, nothing more than a kiss. But I feel completely thrown.

I wouldn’t be ok if he was kissing a woman mate while drunk, so why should this be any different? What’s rattling me most is that it’s happened more than once and I only know now cos I pushed. He’s clearly been carrying this and acting weird for weeks.

We’re trying for another baby and I’m sat here wondering what the hell is going on in my marriage. I feel a bit humiliated tbh.

Would this be a massive deal for you or would you let it go as drunk nonsense? I genuinely don’t know how to feel right now.

Your husband is in the closet and it's gotten to the point where his mental health is forcing him to come out - Possibly because he doesn't want to TTC anymore.

Either way, he's cheated on you. Several times. His mates know about it. His BF definitely knows all about him more than you do, it would appear. Get out before it gets worse.

Straight/Gay - A cheater is a cheater and goes by no other name.

I bet their having a good ol' time at the gym, behind your back. He's not going to tell you the whole truth because since when in the history of cheaters have they ever done that until caught?

If they were 'innocent' jokey kisses he wouldnt be so weird about it.

I dunno if I'd get over it (same as if my husband kissed a woman) but if I wanted to, never seeing the other bloke again would be something he'd have to commit to

“Doubledenim305 · Today 16:31

It matters that he's kissing other people.
It matters that it's a man.
It matters that he's carrying on hanging out with this 'friend' who is wrecking his marriage.
It all matters.
It's not nothing.”

Brilliantly put by @Doubledenim305. This with bells on. It all matters and it all means something.

I don't necessarily think kissing another man whilst drunk means he's bi. I've kissed quite a few women whilst drunk, never sober, bi friends, straight friends and lesbians, and I'm totally straight. A kiss isn't sex and it doesn't even have to mean anything sexual. Was it a jokey kiss or a proper kiss? I'd be upset if it was another woman though.
I also wouldn't stop trying for a baby, if your ultimate goal is to have a sibling for your child

They go gym every Saturday just the two of them – always have – and tbh I’ve never thought anything of it. Never felt weird about it before this.

OP, I’ve heard a lot from women on social media who have experienced of dating gay and bi men.

Allegedly, “down low” guys ie. Closeted gay men often use “going to the gym” as an excuse to sleep with men.

Obviously most men who say they are going to the gym are! However in the context of what you’ve found out and the fact they are going together, I’d be doubtful.

I dated a guy who was really quite chubby considering he ate clean and supposedly went to the gym four times a week. I had my suspicions about him too.

I wouldn’t speak to his friend. The digs show he is not your friend.

You think you’re straight but you’ve kissed women on multiple occasions? I find that interesting tbh but it’s for you to define I guess.

I don’t understand why you’re encouraging a woman to crack on with a man who’s just revealed he’s cheated on her though and has been deceptive.

There has to be more to it as he has changed in his demeanor towards you OP.

If it was just a bit of fun, he would have carried on as normal but he is clearly affected by this relationship (because that is what it is) to the point it is altering the way he is towards you. This is no small thing.

Being drunk means you lose your inhibitions and therefore more likely to act on your desires. It doesn’t create desires out of thin air.

This sums it up perfectly.

And it's not nothing. He cheated, plain and simple.

I think hes gone further. I dont see what the point in just kissing would be. If they were already uninhibited and aroused and snogging why would they stop. Especially if its happened a few times.
Dump him

DH has been really off the past few weeks – short tempered, snappy over nothing, just not himself.

If it's 'nothing' have you asked him why he's suddenly changed? If his answer to your first try was that he kissed his mate, why has it affected him so badly?

Agree with this.

And he sounds as if he is definitely struggling with his sexuality and it’s affecting his mental health. Hence how it’s impacting his attitude to you.

As a straight woman I can’t imagine kissing a woman ever. I know some who have kissed their own sex as teens or whatever to “experiment” or as a dare, but any adult kissing anyone - or multiple people - of the same sex on a few occasions is giving bi/gay to me personally.

I’m fairly convinced more has happened than a kiss .I can’t see two young gay/bi men clearly attracted to each other and then acting on it stopping at the kiss. Possible but unlikely. I’d say the same for a straight man as well actually. The key word being “men”!

Quick update – I’ve spoken to him again.

He’s still saying he’s going to the gym with him tomorrow. Says “the gym’s not relevant” and he’s not going to stop going just cos I’m upset. Said they’ve always gone together and he doesn’t see why it’s an issue now. Honestly I just sat there staring at him.

He also admitted something else – apparently the last time they were out, one of the other lads brought his girlfriend and she saw them kiss. She’s now threatening to tell me, even though he reckons it’s “none of her business” and that she “barely knows” him or his mate. But if she hadn’t been there I’d still be in the dark, wouldn’t I?

And now I can’t stop thinking about all the little comments over the years. Like his mate always saying “don’t be jealous” if DH did something for him. And there was one time ages ago – I think it was after a BBQ – his mate said, half-joking but kind of off, “you’ve really gone and stolen him from me, haven’t you?” and everyone laughed it off.

At the time I didn't think much if it but now it’s got a whole different feel to it.

I feel like I’ve been a mug.

He’s been off with you because you are in the way of what he wants.
I would consider getting a STI tested.
Its likely that things have gone further than a kiss.
A straight male does not kiss a male friend accidentally, it must have meant something, especially as it’s happened more than once.

Your husband has basically done a Phillip Schofield on you , only much earlier on as your DC is still a toddler. I’d stop TTC if I were you.

He’s admitted it because he’s had to, so sorry OP.
There wouldn’t be a way forward in this relationship for me.

He's only admitted what's happened because she was threatening to tell you. She wouldn't be doing that over a simple kiss, there was more.
I'm so sorry, this is heartbreaking for you, your whole life changed. But please leave him, you know he's attracted to his friend. Don't live your life like this, it'll destroy you.

@Alitea "He also admitted something else – apparently the last time they were out, one of the other lads brought his girlfriend and she saw them kiss. She’s now threatening to tell me, even though he reckons it’s “none of her business” and that she “barely knows” him or his mate. But if she hadn’t been there I’d still be in the dark, wouldn’t I?"

I knew something like this happened. He wasn't bothered about the "kisses" at all (no way were they just kisses), he was bothered about his secret being exposed to you.

They are having a full blown physical and emotional affair, right in front of you.

Good on that girl. See if you can contact her.

@Alitea can you speak to the girl who was there and witnessed it?? See what she has to say. I think you already know the severity of the situation even if your DH is minimizing it; but what she has to say might help you make choices and at the very least it will give you more information and from an independent person too. I’d consider reaching out to her and asking to meet and take a good friend with you x

There are 3 people in your marriage.
He has chosen him and his location of choice is the gym.

He told you first, before his pals gf dobbed him in it and told you.

He's prioritising his male mistress over you.

Divorce.

• edited to say, I'd be tempted to get in touch with the pals gf and find out any more info about it all.

Straight Men don't repeatedly kiss other men.

Don't have any more kids with this man

8 weeks or so ago my STBEXH came out to me after almost 8 years of marriage. It's devastated me and my whole life has collapsed. We have 2 young kids and I had no idea

He was forced to tell you, and also wanted to get his story in first. Because you can bet her story shows it all in an even worse light. He's still lying. I'm sorry OP.

Regardless of who he is involved with, the heart of the matter remains the same—he is a married man engaging in intimacy outside of your relationship. This is a significant situation, and it’s important to take the time to reflect on what you truly want.

First, consider whether you feel you can forgive and continue the marriage. If so, think about what boundaries or conditions would make that possible for you. Everyone's perspective is different, but ultimately, what matters most is how you feel right now and what you need moving forward.

Personally, I view this as a serious breach of trust, and I know I would struggle to move past it. If I were in this position, having another child with him wouldn't be something I could consider.

Wishing you clarity and strength as you navigate this.

He's been snappy because he's been caught she threatened to tell u so he's basically been made to tell u. If she hadn't known you also wouldn't of known. The best mate seems jealous of you says snappy things makes out its a joke. Whilst knowing everytime him and your husband are out together he gets his lips on him. I believe there's more to the story than what's being told. And if I was u I'd tell him it's either your family here or your best mate you can't have both and then your have your answer

I simply can't believe his audacity to think he can admit this and carry on as normal with this bloke! I'd flat out tell him if he goes to the gym tomorrow, he's choosing this man over your marriage and he needn't bother coming home.