Found out DH kissed his best mate while drunk

[Alitea]

Feeling a bit wobbly so just posting to get this out and see what others think.

DH has been really off the past few weeks – short tempered, snappy over nothing, just not himself. I thought maybe work stress or he was tired (we’ve got a toddler and been TTC for a few months now), but it’s been bubbling under for a bit.

Last night I asked him straight out what was going on and he ended up admitting he’s kissed his best mate. Not once but a few times. Said it’s only ever been when they were drunk, but one of those times was on his stag do back in Jan, which I knew nothing about.

His best mate is bi and they’re very close. Always chatting privately, loads of inside jokes, texting each other constantly. He always makes little comments when we’re all together – stuff like “don’t be jealous” or joking about stealing DH away. I’ve always seen it as harmless banter and never thought anything of it.

DH says it’s just been silly, drunken stuff, never serious, doesn’t mean anything, nothing more than a kiss. But I feel completely thrown.

I wouldn’t be ok if he was kissing a woman mate while drunk, so why should this be any different? What’s rattling me most is that it’s happened more than once and I only know now cos I pushed. He’s clearly been carrying this and acting weird for weeks.

We’re trying for another baby and I’m sat here wondering what the hell is going on in my marriage. I feel a bit humiliated tbh.

Would this be a massive deal for you or would you let it go as drunk nonsense? I genuinely don’t know how to feel right now.

He’s cheated on you. Don’t marry him or have another baby with him.

Your DH has a boyfriend, OP. I think you need an STI test and start thinking about divorce.

Also, this is unlikely but if you are truly keen for a second child you could theoretically still have one with your DH. After all, you are going to have to continue to co-parent your toddler with him.

This is unforgivable and it’s not being ‘laddish’. Like you say you wouldn’t be ok with him kissing a girl mate so this isn’t ok either, he’s clearly bi and this is cheating.

He's been having an affair right under your nose in plain view.

He was going to be outed so wanted to get in there first.

Can you get him to leave so you can have some space to process?

What's your living situation?

If you go forward with him there will always be 3 in your relationship and you'll be Diana. It never ends well.

They are basically in a relationship right now.

Definitely speak with the friend’s girlfriend. She will likely verify that it wasn’t a jokey snog but a kiss that felt sexually charged, as why else would she be threatening to tell you?

He’s cheating on you. Emotionally and physically.

Theyre not just friends.

Your head must be a mess OP. I was in a relationship less than a year when an ex told me he'd slept with a man. I felt betrayed he didn't tell me who he was upfront. It completely put me off him sexually, it was game over. Sorry OP 😔

Well if you can get over this he's going to have to bin the mate then isn't he? They obviously can't be trusted to drink together and if he's been acting weird this time I'd be wondering if he's only confessed to as little as possible.

If he can't give him up then you'll have to split.

Only you know if this is a deal-breaker or not.

I'm so sorry, OP. It sounds like your husband's hand was forced because this other woman threatened to shed light on it, probably why he was agitated recently.

He is being so disrespectful to you - he's essentially telling you he's going to continue 'dating' his friend: gym, social gatherings etc, and you have to suck it up, stay at home, play good little wifey and get on with producing children. How dare he.

He needs to get out of your living space so that you can process this. It's possible he may and go and stay with this man, let him, you need to look after yourself and put yourself first, your husband is not on your team, he has made this very clear to you.

Also tell your family and friends so you've got support.

He will try to isolate you and make you feel unreasonable You are not but you need someone in your corner in real life to help process all this.

Is he likely to get violent or aggressive? don't let yourself be isolated. Get some support.

@Alitea I feel like I’ve been a mug.

No, you've not been a mug. You are in shock. You are ruminating over the past and what it meant or didn't mean.

He is bisexual or gay. As is his friend. There is nothing you could have done to prevent this. He is only probably recognising this himself.

First thing on Monday make a solicitor's appointment. I'm afraid you will need to think money and property sooner than you'd want to.

Get a head start with legal advice before he does, take things from there, and keep your head up. You have done nothing wrong.

This 100%.

If that girlfriend has threatened to spill the beans, then his other friends know. Maybe they've always known

I bet he wouldn’t be ok with you kissing another man.

Cheating is a dealbreaker for me.

Not to mention now he’s done it once he will do it again. Probably even start and affair.

Hes made no effort to save your relationship. Get yourself out.

Sounds to me like they were in a relationship before. I wouldn't be surprised if they have been snogging for a long time and the only reason he's freaked out now is because this girl may tell you. If I were you I'd be speaking to this girl to find out more and I'd be making a plan to get out of the relationship. Trust is broken. The fact that he refuses to stop seeing the guy speaks volumes. So sorry you are going through this.

You would be a mug if you put up with him going with this guy to this gym whilst good little wifey stays at home. He's taking the piss out of you and downplaying it massively. Kick him out.

Don't have any more babies with him.
He's a cheater and also has been deceitful regarding his sexuality.
Seek support from your family OP..

You are with a gay man. Stop trying to conceive and get the hell out.

I’m so sorry @Alitea your head must be in bits, he’s making out it didn’t mean anything yet a mate’s gf has been threatening to tell you. She must of witnessed more than a quick kiss, he’s minimising your feelings and carrying on anyway, in the hope you sweep it under the rug. The choice you have is, you decide to separate now or you separate when he is ready to come out of the closet.

I’m so sorry OP, this is truly awful for you, you are not a mug. I suspect it’s likely that this had been going on long before you knew your husband, he probably doesn’t see it as cheating as their relationship has always been more than a regular friendship. So sorry this is happening to you.

Being honest OP, I tell him that him going to the gym with his mate, refusing to see him, and most importantly, dismissing your feelings is a deal-breaker. I tell him if he goes to the gym you'll file for divorce. He has to make a decision. If he goes to the gym that's signalling he chooses his mate over his marriage. And you'll file for divorce and say you mean it. See what he says.

She’s now threatening to tell me

This woman has done you a favour. As hard as this is, you need to think about why she wants to tell you.
I’m so sorry, you must feel betrayed and confused.

Now find your anger.

He's says it wasn't a big thing but he's done it repeatedly and to the point he's been in a bad mood. Who is he trying to convince, you or himself?

This 100% . If nothing else then atleast put trying for another baby on hold.

Even if you could forgive the kisses, could you forgive his attitude, making it seem like you’re the one with the problem for being upset?