Found out DH kissed his best mate while drunk

[Alitea]

Feeling a bit wobbly so just posting to get this out and see what others think.

DH has been really off the past few weeks – short tempered, snappy over nothing, just not himself. I thought maybe work stress or he was tired (we’ve got a toddler and been TTC for a few months now), but it’s been bubbling under for a bit.

Last night I asked him straight out what was going on and he ended up admitting he’s kissed his best mate. Not once but a few times. Said it’s only ever been when they were drunk, but one of those times was on his stag do back in Jan, which I knew nothing about.

His best mate is bi and they’re very close. Always chatting privately, loads of inside jokes, texting each other constantly. He always makes little comments when we’re all together – stuff like “don’t be jealous” or joking about stealing DH away. I’ve always seen it as harmless banter and never thought anything of it.

DH says it’s just been silly, drunken stuff, never serious, doesn’t mean anything, nothing more than a kiss. But I feel completely thrown.

I wouldn’t be ok if he was kissing a woman mate while drunk, so why should this be any different? What’s rattling me most is that it’s happened more than once and I only know now cos I pushed. He’s clearly been carrying this and acting weird for weeks.

We’re trying for another baby and I’m sat here wondering what the hell is going on in my marriage. I feel a bit humiliated tbh.

Would this be a massive deal for you or would you let it go as drunk nonsense? I genuinely don’t know how to feel right now.

Personally I think they've had sex. You say it's happened a few times, not just the once, so why has it bothered him this time so much that you've noticed something is wrong? Because the last time wasn't just a drunken kiss.
Either way it absolutely isn't ok and he's been cheating on you with his mate. To top that off the mate knows this and has been making snide remarks about stealing him.
Me? I'd let the twat have him because he's not a catch.

Thank your lucky stars you are not pregnant, sit down and talk this through. You both need separate counselling. I suspect he has very strong feelings for his ‘friend’ and this is causing him a great deal of stress and anguish. I am sorry op but I would end it, because this will have an obvious outcome.

Honestly, that would be a deal breaker for me. Your husband is actively cheating on you, he has a whole ass boyfriend, he's emotionally connected to. He doesnt give a crap about you, your marriage or your child. He's a closet bisexual and using "drunk lads banter" to hide it. His friends jibes about stealing him away is his way of telling you that he can and has done, its there little secret. The whole friend group are trash. I wouldnt be surprised if over the next few weeks/months it comes out that they have actually slept together. I'd invite friend round and have it out with both of them and if husband is insistant on having his "friend" in his life I wouldn't be in it. I wouldnt be trusting him again for a long time if ever!

Wow this is huge - I am not surprised you feel betrayed!!! Imagine if he had been kissing a colleague? It’s not different AND it also is clear he’s bi. It’s a betrayal and not ok.
I think you wouldn’t be overreacting to throw him out tbh. I can’t believe he’s conducted himself as he has at the same time you are TTC!!!! Shockingly shit from him and you deserve better. Lots of luck to you op xx

So sorry you're going through this op.

I would say he's done more than kiss him and the guilt has been eating him up , and probably the realisation he isn't straight

I don't believe any straight man would kiss their male friend other than a joke kiss on the Cheek type of kiss

Agree he’s feeling as he is because they’ve likely had sex and he knows what this all adds up to really. X

Your DH is a cheat. Regardless if the person is male or female, he’s kissing someone else. Likelihood is he’s probably gay. I wouldn’t continue TTC until you sort through the issue of his constant infidelity.

I’ve never heard of men kissing each other due to laddish behaviour. Women when drunk maybe, but not men.

He's cheating, repeatedly, with someone he's also incredibly emotionally close to, and he won't stop seeing them.

It would absolutely be the end for me.

@Alitea you could speak to his mate and say DH has said it’s all a joke - you wanted to be sure it was a joke for <mate> aswell because you knew he was bi?? And see his response. I think he already sounds jealous and has been goading you so he may well throw your DH under the bus and say it’s happened lots of time or more etc etc.

I don't want to make light of things AT ALL OP. However, I wonder if he might be being honest with you. DH and I are both bi, although I have never had a relationship with another woman. Both of us have kissed same sex friends on nights out, although admittedly usually whilst the other one is there. It's genuinely harmless fun. We've not done it since we were young (20s and early 30s) and we're still very happily married now. DH is my person and I have loved him for 25 years and will love him forever. But sometimes it's fun to kiss a girl. I would never kiss another man because that would feel like cheating.

The kiss is one betrayal.
Allowing his friend to humiliate you further with the inside jokes and “jealous” comments is another betrayal.

That would be too much for me.

Being drunk makes one lose their inhibitions and judgement. I could forgive a drunk mistake. But making a choice to get drunk a second time, with the same person, knowing where it could lead to, that's a conscious decision.

Bisexuals don’t get a free pass in every relationship. Don’t apply your boundaries to OP. After all, she’s straight, so who does she get to kiss?

My DH would never, in a million years, kiss a bloke. No ifs, no alcohol, no bantz, no way.

IF my DH kissed a woman, once, whilst paralytic (which I also cannot imagine happening), there may be some coming back from it. I don't know. Circumstances, him coming straight to me to tell me, horror at what he'd done, remorse, absolutely no chance of future contact etc etc. Like I say, I don't know...

However, if he kissed his best mate on MORE THAN ONE OCCASION, there would be no coming back for the following reasons:

He is bi and he has started to experiment. Where is this going to end? In full sex.

He already has a close emotional bond with his friend. Throw sexual attraction, an exciting/taboo new direction into the mix and you can't even complete with that temptation

He is downplaying, minimising and trying to pressure you to be 'okay' with it. In other words - zero remorse. Fuck. Right. Off with that.

So from me, it's a no. Sorry OP. What a crappy situation.

Kissing your male friend on a stag do is laddish? Yeah alright. Your husband is either bi or gay. Straight men just don’t kiss other men, straight women do sometimes… but not men.

When I found out DH was bi after years of him pretending he was straight I looked up the stats on cheating. In the research I read at the time the group that said most frequently that they had cheated was bi men, the next group was gay men - I can't remember after that as it was 3 years ago now.

I mean people can say that no group is more likely to cheat than any other and it's phobic to say they do - but the actual bi and gay men in that research said different!

I'd run a fucking mile if I was you OP, I later found out that mine had been trying to cheat with both men and women for years, At that point everything was over and it was frankly a relief after years of lies and gas lighting.

No wonder he's downplaying it, look what he has to gain if he can pull this off!

A wife to do the domestic work, grow his child in her belly then raise it for him. He can maintain the façade of being a stable family man with a loyal & obedient wife- that will help his career prospects and earning potential, she wont be able to leave her post as domestic slave because her earning potential will have been destroyed by her childcare duties.
She might become depressed and bad tempered but that wont be his problem, he can focus his energies on his secret sex life- provided he can get his boyfriend to stop giving the game away that is.

This all day long.
Marriage is about commitment to one person. Sexuality doesn't make a difference. Being bi doesn't mean you can have two relationships at the same time.

This must be very hard for you - so sorry OP. Have you talked to him about what drove these kisses, how he feels about it, whether he'd like to do more etc? I know it must be hard but might be useful information for you.

I don't get people saying he's def gay (why assume that when all indications are that he's bi and OP has been married to him?) -he may be bi but i think straight men also get curious under certain conditions specially if, due to being close friends with a bi man, this has been more normalised than for other men whose anti-gay conditioning is very deep. I could be wrong though, I'm bi myself.

I can imagine that toddler +TTC is quite a high pressure, domestic and settled situation that might have someone trying to tap into their sexier selves and wanting to explore new things. I don't think a kiss is the same as cheating. Do you love him, does he love you? How has TTC been? How committed are you both? I can understand you are thrown but i would not be too hasty and investigate more so you feel satisfied that you've done all you can and at least honour the relationship you've had so far even if it feels like he doesn't

And don't feel stupid, it's not about you, it's probably just about wanting to discover and explore a new side of him/life. I don't think it's necessarily incompatible with committed relationship but i could be wrong and it's up to you

Best of luck OP, this can't be easy.

https://www.thenakedscientists.com/articles/interviews/worlds-first-gonorrhoea-vaccine-begins-rollout
Quote from the transcript:
"Hamish - The gonorrhea vaccination programme will primarily focus on gay and bisexual men with markers of increased risk for gonorrhea, such as a recent bacterial STI infection. Bacterial STIs would include gonorrhea as well as syphilis. Now, the reason why this is the primary focus of the vaccination programme is because gay and bisexual men comprise less than 5% of the population, but they represent just under 50% of gonorrhea diagnoses each year."
Dont risk your health by staying with a bisexual man OP.

I'm sorry, OP, but I don't think I'd be trying for another baby with someone who isn't faithful. And I count repeatedly kissing someone else as cheating. It's also supremely disrespectul of him to play down his behaviour and pretend you are overreacting. Combine the kissing with the fact he is very close to, in constant contact with and shares loads of 'in jokes' with his 'friend', it sounds like it could be an emotional affair as well.

Just adding to my own post that i didn't mean to minimise: multiple times of kissing is very different of course to a one off.

but your conversation started because he was off for weeks and you asked what is wrong, so clearly it is not nothing. I also think he is down playing it, they are probably having sex. He knows its wrong that is why he is so down, otherwise if it was nothing why would he be so worried. It is up to you really to decide if you are open to this kind of relationship dynamic. But if you just close your eyes now it wont change really. So the question is to you is it a deal breaker for you, if he sleeps with man while also being married to you. I know might sounds like a weird question but some people are ok with that

This is just the tip of the iceberg and where it starts to unravel.

There is so much more to this.

I'm so sorry OP.