Found out DH kissed his best mate while drunk

[Alitea]

Feeling a bit wobbly so just posting to get this out and see what others think.

DH has been really off the past few weeks – short tempered, snappy over nothing, just not himself. I thought maybe work stress or he was tired (we’ve got a toddler and been TTC for a few months now), but it’s been bubbling under for a bit.

Last night I asked him straight out what was going on and he ended up admitting he’s kissed his best mate. Not once but a few times. Said it’s only ever been when they were drunk, but one of those times was on his stag do back in Jan, which I knew nothing about.

His best mate is bi and they’re very close. Always chatting privately, loads of inside jokes, texting each other constantly. He always makes little comments when we’re all together – stuff like “don’t be jealous” or joking about stealing DH away. I’ve always seen it as harmless banter and never thought anything of it.

DH says it’s just been silly, drunken stuff, never serious, doesn’t mean anything, nothing more than a kiss. But I feel completely thrown.

I wouldn’t be ok if he was kissing a woman mate while drunk, so why should this be any different? What’s rattling me most is that it’s happened more than once and I only know now cos I pushed. He’s clearly been carrying this and acting weird for weeks.

We’re trying for another baby and I’m sat here wondering what the hell is going on in my marriage. I feel a bit humiliated tbh.

Would this be a massive deal for you or would you let it go as drunk nonsense? I genuinely don’t know how to feel right now.

Oh. Now. This is a big deal.

Your partner is bi. That in itself is not a big deal, or shouldn't be. It'd be fine if he always knew, and you always knew. But given this is a new development, that on it's own would create issues in a marriage.

Your partner kissed someone else while drunk. If it was someone he didn't know, or didn't know well, it might be something you could get over.

But a few times? With the same person? That means it wasn't just a drunken mistake. That means there is proper attraction, and probably feelings there.

And then layer over the most important bit. With. his. best. mate. Now, that's a whole different ball game. It doesn't really matter whether he's had sex with him or not, the full house of cheating has been dealt. If it is his best mate, and he's bi, and he's attracted enough to kiss him on multiple occasions, then he probably loves him. That's the real reason he has been so combative over the past few weeks. He's fighting a conflict inside himself, as he probably can't accept that a) he's bi, b) he's fallen in love, or at least is strongly attracted to his best friend, c) he's cheated on you and he must know this is likely to lead to a split.

There's a lot I could get over, but I don't think I'd get over this. It would be the same if his best mate was a woman. But now you've got a extra issue with him being unable to come to terms with his sexuality.

At the very very least you need to stop ttc. And maybe go to counselling. Even if you split, counselling will help you split on amicable terms which is of paramount importance to your kid. The very best of luck OP.

How would you feel OP if you have children with him, because he wants children, and after you're done having children, he announces he's 'bi' or 'gay' or whatever, but leaving you for his friend. And he hopes you'll support him because 'it's not his fault he feels this way' ... and have to see your kids trot off 50% of the time to live elsewhere.

If you wouldn't be happy, end it now.

Cheating is cheating is cheating. And his behaviour is telling you he's not being honest with you about who he is. And that he wants to do sexual things with other people ... while being married to you.

I imagine he wouldn't like it if you were kissing 'a friend' regularly when out with them. This is no different.

If it’s just banter (it’s not) then why has he been so bothered by it that you knew something was wrong and had to confront him.

His complete disregard for you or your feelings and needs here are staggering and as others have said I’m angry for you.

One specific bit that makes no sense is... (a) these snogs were just banter and they don't mean anything and (b) the last snog is the reason why he was so snappish and unhappy for several weeks.

He told you both those things. They can't both be true.

Well it’s either you and your family or he has his mate. Which is it to be. He can’t under any circumstances been in his company again and the friendship needs to be over, if he’s not prepared to do this you walk. I bet there was more than a kiss this time hence the guilt.

Worth noting attitude and terminology are important when discussing men who have sex with men
Straight men do get sexual with other men and still define themselves as straight eg Men who have sex with men will emphatically say they’re not gay or bi
Straight men do kiss and get intimate. It’s not a never ever situation
Words matter and it’s important to listen to the definition & terms the men use.Man can emphatically say he straight but he sleep with men

''@Arealnumber

I really feel quite angry on your behalf. I have been very tolerant of gay/bisexual lifestyle in the past and have had very close friends who are gay but am getting to the point where I’m over it''

Homophobia is not acceptable.

Being gay or bi does not mean someone is more likely to cheat.

Being gay/bi is not a 'lifestyle' choice either.

The issue here is that the OP's partner is cheating.

Don't use this thread as an opportunity for you to express this type of bigoted nonsense...

If it’s happened a few times why is he only now being weird about it. It sounds like things have gone a bit further.
I definitely wouldn’t be ttc with him. He has cheated on you. It doesn’t matter what the sex of the person is. He has done something to jeopardise your relationship.
He is either gay or bi and this relationship is ongoing. How can you ever rest easy when he is out at the gym or pub with this other man? It’s not conducive to creating a trusting relationship.

@Arealnumber That’s a homophobic post. Reported.

Neither of them seem to bothered about lying to your face regularly, or humiliating you with in your own social circle.

How many people apparently "saw" that attended your wedding knowing what they had been up to, behind your back.

Exactly. Your husband has shown his group of friends that he has no respect for you or your relationship. He flaunts his cheating. That's unforgiveable.

I'm sorry, but WTAF is he playing at???

So your husband kisses another human being, on more than one occasion, and when you ask him if he will stop seeing him, he basically said no?

I'm sorry but he's loving the attention off this 'friend' who happens to have a willy!
Selfish egotistical dirty twat.
Forsaken all others in marriage means not snogging other bastard people!

You have a toddler (is he desperate for attention), and are TTC (so you have not been celibate), yet he has been getting attention and snogging the chops of the godfather of your child, and probably doing God only knows what else when hes pissed with the lads (please get checked in a clinic ASAP) but it's all okay though, as he's one of the lads and its just a laugh?

Not a fucking chance in hell.

Close your legs.
Don't get pregnant.
Start looking after yourself and get your ducks in a row, just in case.
If you want to salvage this marriage, then he needs to attend couples therapy and lose the bi-stander.
Give him an ultimatum.
You or the bi-stander.
Treat this like it's been a woman friend that he's kissed and don't let him downplay it because it's a man.
Kissing more than once is akin to an affair.
Just a drunken lads kiss - my arse!!!
He sees him every week for the gym... and the rest!
Disgusting behaviour.

Sounds like this friend was always waiting in the wings, and may have always fancied him.
Forget it's a male kiss.
Treat it with all the upset of a female kiss and dont take any shitty excuses.
And if he doesn't cut ties with him... then take him to the cleaners.
Pair of twats.

Hugs to you 🫂

His sexuality nor his friends are really important. There are plenty of bisexuality who manage not to cheat.

The issue is he has cheated and it means far more than a random stranger as it's a close friend. He's also unwilling to stop this friendship as the friend is more important to him than you, his wife.

He cheated.
Multiple times.
Highly likely than it went further than a kiss.
He didn't tell you - you dragged it out of him.
He's deflecting and minimising.
He wants to continue his friendship despite knowing that it's detrimental to his marraige.

You can't stay as you will always be playing second fiddle.

It is a really big deal. He needs to assure you that will never happen again and you believe him, or you probably need to split. It's not different to if it's a female friend

If it was all just a ‘laugh’ why has he been so quiet and moody about it. Please seriously think about your future with this man.

There was a thread a few days ago from a woman who kissed her female friend when younger, and her husband found out recently and was upset. Virtually everyone said that kissing someone of the same sex was very normal, fun, and acceptable, and absolutely 100% didn’t mean they were gay or even bisexual. Apparently this is common and normal. A few of us said that if a man did the same thing, he’d immediately be labelled as gay or bi, and we were shouted down. And yet here we are!

Of course no one will dispute the fact that he has cheated, and that is unacceptable whatever sex it’s with.

There is nothing remotely ‘laddish’ about the situation you describe!
@Alitea you know it’s over right? The best you can do now is protect yourself and your toddler from further hurt.

Why has he told you now if he kissed him in January? Has something else happened recently that he is aware that you will hear of and he’s heading you off at the pass?

Regardless he is out of order telling you it meant nothing! Gaslighting you so you feel silly and unsure of yourself 😤

Its not up to the men to define it for you. It means what it means to you. I think it is pretty bad. The kissing on the stag do is not “laddish”—for fuck’s sake what an absurd excuse. Laddishness in the UK is almost definitionally homophobic while being at the same time homosocial. And to do it on his own stag do? Come on! Someone (the bf) was behaving as the seducer and someone, your dh, was pretending to renounce the bf/male lover while playacting a farewell.

Either way the kiss played out both men inappropriately crossed a line with you that should not have been crossed. And your dh considers the bf relationship to be more important than his marriage.

Its going to take you a while to double tap this marriage because he will refuse to take responsibility for his unfaithfulness to you. But eventually he will either go, or he will cheat on you again.

Your husband is lying to you and gaslighting you with that matey bullshit.

He's been physically cheating with his best friend at least since January. He refuses to end the relationship. I would not believe this ended at kissing, cheaters always say that and then trickle truth if really pressed. We kissed. Then it's we met up but just oral sex. Then sex just happened once. And so on.

Something happened a few weeks ago and that is when you noticed a significant behavioral change.

You can drill down for more truth but your marriage is likely over. Your husband has a lot of work to do on himself in therapy and if he's refusing to admit he's physically cheating and end a sexual relationship outside his marriage, you have decisions to make.

There was @Arealnumber's

"I really feel quite angry on your behalf. I have been very tolerant of gay/bisexual lifestyle in the past and have had very close friends who are gay but am getting to the point where I’m over it'', which was apparently reported and got deleted.

There's a difference between "finding it a turn-off" and "disgusting", and the latter is still extreme taking into account that straight men are not attracted to gay or bi men; similar to how when some gay men claim female genitals are "disgusting", they draw criticism for their misogynistic description of female genitalia even though they are not attracted to women.

I'm a bisexual man, who's been in a relationship with a women for the last 20 years.

I'd be cheating in exactly the same way whether I kissed a man or a woman.

Don't let your husband get away with it just because it's a bloke he's kissed rather than a woman.

My DH's best mate is a gay man, and I would be really upset to find out they'd been kissing. However, I think I would probably try to approach it calmly (or at least as calmly as I could), and try to find out whether DH actually had any homosexual feelings, because this would affect whether the kiss was "just a laugh" or a symptom of some unresolved curiosity. The first I could live with, the second I would need more clarity on, as I could live with a bi DH, but not a gay DH. I would need reassurance that the curiosity wasn't going to continue, and end up with him leaving me for a male partner.

Depending on how the conversation goes, I would certainly suggest some therapy for him initially, then as a couple to help you navigate things.

He cheated on you multiple times. It doesn't matter if it's a man or woman, he cheated. He is dismissing it and showing you his mate is more important than you are. He is not willing to do anything to make it better. Are you really okay with that? How long until kissing turns into more? How can you be okay with him treating you horribly to cover up his cheating? It sounds like he is in a one sided open marriage and allowed to do whatever he wants under the pretense of it is just messing around. He is just another garden snake cheat. You deserve better.

"DH has been really off the past few weeks – short tempered, snappy over nothing, just not himself"

If it was 'nothing, no big deal, a quick kiss, mates" then why did he become snappy and short tempered? And it might happen once as a 'joke' but it wouldn't keep happening.

I agree your husband is in denial about it.

@Caaarrrl Here's an example of homophobia in the thread.