Found out DH kissed his best mate while drunk

[Alitea]

Feeling a bit wobbly so just posting to get this out and see what others think.

DH has been really off the past few weeks – short tempered, snappy over nothing, just not himself. I thought maybe work stress or he was tired (we’ve got a toddler and been TTC for a few months now), but it’s been bubbling under for a bit.

Last night I asked him straight out what was going on and he ended up admitting he’s kissed his best mate. Not once but a few times. Said it’s only ever been when they were drunk, but one of those times was on his stag do back in Jan, which I knew nothing about.

His best mate is bi and they’re very close. Always chatting privately, loads of inside jokes, texting each other constantly. He always makes little comments when we’re all together – stuff like “don’t be jealous” or joking about stealing DH away. I’ve always seen it as harmless banter and never thought anything of it.

DH says it’s just been silly, drunken stuff, never serious, doesn’t mean anything, nothing more than a kiss. But I feel completely thrown.

I wouldn’t be ok if he was kissing a woman mate while drunk, so why should this be any different? What’s rattling me most is that it’s happened more than once and I only know now cos I pushed. He’s clearly been carrying this and acting weird for weeks.

We’re trying for another baby and I’m sat here wondering what the hell is going on in my marriage. I feel a bit humiliated tbh.

Would this be a massive deal for you or would you let it go as drunk nonsense? I genuinely don’t know how to feel right now.

If he genuinely thinks snogging his mate while married to you, highly sexualised and provocative messaging and keeping from you the sexual nature of the relationship with his bf a secret is him ‘doing nothing wrong’ you have a problem.
If he knows it’s wrong and has done it anyway, you have a problem.

You can’t get past this while he’s lying, gaslighting and denying. And his treatment of his mate is appalling. Imagine what he’s saying about you.

I would tell him you’re going to be telling his parents about the sexual nature of the relationship with his BF and showing them some of the messages. Ask him whether they’ll think he’s done nothing wrong. (Unless they’re all from boarding school in which case, they too might think he’s done nothing wrong…)

Tell his family.

They go gym every Saturday just the two of them – always have – and tbh I’ve never thought anything of it. Never felt weird about it before this.

I haven’t noticed them seeing each other more recently, it’s not been anything different than usual.

His moodiness towards you makes me think something more is going on. If so, their weekly Saturday at the gym date could be cover for that. How do you know for sure he's really at the gym? Also how long is he gone - is it enough time to go to the gym & then do a little something else after? At the very least I'd be asking him how his gym session went, when he got home - and observing his responses & body language like a hawk for the signs that tend to be there when someone is being deceptive, feeling guilt, etc.

I'd also try throwing a few spanners in the works & seeing how he responds. For example if you share a car I'd say I need it while you're at the gym then offer to drive him there & collect him after, then watch his body language & responses for signs of being put out by this, even if he agrees to it.

But knowing me I'd probably go hell for leather & discreetly follow him to see if that's where he actually goes. Or maybe I'd do a drive-by to see if his car is parked in the gym car park (assuming there is a car park) & if it's not there, I'd be driving by his friend's place to see if it's parked around there. It's a bit trickier to establish if they're ducking out for a spot of how's your father if it's happening after the gym though.

The only people I feel sorry for is the OP and her child! Both her husband and the friend are assholes.
The audacity of him claiming that he’s done nothing wrong?! Kissing someone multiple times while married is ok? And even worse, someone who he has had previous sexual relations with?
I'm so sorry OP, you seem sweet and don’t deserve this treatment. I hope you have support.

Also, don’t worry about separating- there’s a tonne of guidance out there and an army of women on here who will help you. Hundreds of people do it every day, it feels daunting but it’s just logistics. Don’t let the practical arrangements get in the way of you getting out of this awful situation.

First of all, the cruel way he is talking about his friend is an indication of how cruelly he will talk about you if it suits him. It's a warning sign.

Second, his whole thing is that HE hasn't done anything wrong. Everyone else can be thrown under the bus, not to protect his marriage, or you, or his friendship, or his friend, but to protect himself.

And third, from what you have said about his family he will not want them to find out he has been kissing a man, whether it's bantz or not. In the right place that might be helpful to you, but it also makes him dangerous because what you now know makes you a threat to him.

Of course you can't just walk away. Apart from all your feelings which must be in utter turmoil you will need to be very careful about how you untie this knot.

You really will need more than just us. Who in your own family can you talk to?

His family will almost certainly, at some point, considered he has an more than friendly relationship with his friend.

The slagging him off is TEXTBOOK. Your DH is gay. He needs to leave. If he doesn’t, then you should go with your son. I’m so sorry OP

In my experience gay men tend to be very sexual, his friend is hoping for more, your DH is in denial.

Oh dear OP, you need to decide if you can live like this.

I would try and leave the relationship as he doesn’t sound like a nice person who you can trust to do the right thing by you.

I saw something the other day about remorse - there is an acronym, reed. I can’t find a link now but it was like this:

R - express regret

E - understand the emotional impact

E - show empathy

D - desire for change - show how things will change so this doesn’t happen again.

It’s up to you - it’s your life. I feel like he could be doing more to reassure you here.

Unfortunately if the house is in both your names you can’t kick him out. You can ask but he can refuse.

Start preparing for a divorce. You can’t save this and I don’t think you will be able to live with this, for the sake of your child - although some people do make that choice. Assuming that you can’t you need to start sorting out finances, see a solicitor for advice etc.

Do NOT tell him you are leaving. Do NOT tell him you want a divorce. He is going to follow the classic steps and make it very, very difficult for you, if he thinks that’s where you are going. Keep quiet, sort your passports, records of all finances etc, make sure your name is on the mortgage if you have one, see a solicitor.

Only then start proceedings.

I think @Shitmonger has nailed it here.

Take this attitude as a warning - this is how he’ll treat you. Allow yourself to be armed with this knowledge while you figure out the next move.

No one can say what’s right but for me, this would be over, done.

One tactic would be to refrain from telling his parents the reasons why - and if he gets nasty, say you’ll tell them the truth and send the proof. It’s the one bit of power you have, don’t give it away just yet.

I would also message the girl that witnessed the behaviour. There may be more to this than you know, and getting it corroborated in writing will be useful. I’d tell her you’ve already decided to split so there’s no reason for her to try and spare your feelings or underplay what she saw/knows.

Ultimately, most relationships are about monogamy and being faithful - and he’s not. It doesn’t matter what sex the person is, it’s cheating. Swap the sexes - if this was a woman, there would be no question. And it’s actually rather homophobic of him to suggest that sexual flirting and kissing, when combined with a history of sexual activity, don’t count.

I’d book to see a solicitor for a free session pronto and get advice. I’m so sorry this has happened, especially when you were TTC. Get out now and you’ll find a decent man who is genuine committed, not someone who has his foot in two different relationships.

Just saw your are 28. So young! Go and enjoy your life and if you want to be someone meet someone who is worthy of you. Don't waste another second on this bloke and just pray he hasn't passed any health issues onto you.

It’s getting clearer and clearer that he is gay. The way he’s speaking about his supposed best friend is so utterly vile, he’s just trying to prove how straight he is - probably to himself as much as to you. Classic denial behaviour.

And the refusal to acknowledge he’s done anything wrong is again classic denial. If he’d kissed a woman multiple times I’m sure he’d be apologising and grovelling for forgiveness. But because it’s a man and he can’t face up to that he’s pretending it’s all jolly normal fun ho ho and blaming you for overreacting.

Let’s not forget either that it was NOT just kissing. I mean, that would be bad enough, but clearly much more is going on. The message from the friend saying he was missing him in bed would make no sense if he hadn’t just BEEN in his bed. And he’s now told you about the (regular) college blow jobs - you think they aren’t still happening? And that in all these years they didn’t progress from blow jobs to sex?

I hope you can find a way to throw him out of the house.

Excellent post.
S he conned you into marriage by pretending to be a straight man, although admittedly he may have conned himself here too.He has then continued to lie and cheat with his friend and possibly with others.To make matters even worse, when caught, he continues to lie and gaslight you, pretending that this is normal behaviour for a straight, married man and then turns on his friend.
He is horrible @Alitea and I don't see how you can move on from this. Huge sympathies.

I wrote my last message yesterday but it didn't post hence just sending it. Having now read your updates & the text message "bet she doesn't make you sweat like I do" & him coming back sweaty & dishevelled after having been at the gym. Major alarm bells there.

I've become friends with exes but they remain exes when that happens, there's been no snogging or anything else going on. No one snogs their friends - that is the behaviour of lovers or those inching towards being lovers. And given they've already been lovers, there's no inching going on here. If they're still publicly snogging what is going on behind closed doors. Also no one repeatedly snogs people they find repulsive!

An ex bf that I was committed to (I moved to USA & we rented a house together) cheated on me. He didn't know the extent of what I'd found out nor how I'd found out, so would only admit to the bare minimum - kissing. I knew it was more than that but wanted to test how honest he'd be. Conclusion reached, I could no longer trust him & the root of why he was lying was to save his own skin, & without regard for me so I left the bastard. IME trying to maintain a relationship when you can't safely trust your partner is very psychologically damaging. I stayed with a cheater when I was young & the scars of that (difficulty trusting) have been lifelong.

On that note, I'd add that you haven't been a fool (you keep alluding to this). You've been healthily trusting your partner. The fact he was shitting all over that behind your back doesn't make you a fool. It makes him a fool.

Admitting only to the indiscretion/s that have been leaked (or could be leaked) by others is typical of selfish people who only care about saving their own skins - and he clearly is of that ilk, given the way he's now slagging his friend off & minimising the things he's done & continues to do with that friend.

That nastiness towards his gay partner is the real him.
He will show that side to you too if you don't accept his bullshit.

This is why you need to tell family and friends.
So they can help and support you.
Get yourself tested.

None of it sounds remotely far fetched to me sadly. I think it’s a tale as old as the hills.

Some lads do talk that way.

Gay ones.

Keep detailed records of everything that happens now.

Don't leave your home.

Be very very careful how you proceed, who you tell. He's panicking, backed into a corner, faced with the whole house of cards crumbling round him. He may lash out.

Get legal and financial advice.

The scab's off, now.

I had read all the posts, thanks for your input though @pikkumyy77

That’s a great point by @Lokit - wtf is this supposed to mean: "bet she doesn't make you sweat like I do"

I don’t actually think it’s about the gym. Not for a single second. The implication is clear.

Daisychain505 have you not heard of Huw Edwards and Phillip Scofield ?

Ah right, yes I agree.