Found out DH kissed his best mate while drunk

[Alitea]

Feeling a bit wobbly so just posting to get this out and see what others think.

DH has been really off the past few weeks – short tempered, snappy over nothing, just not himself. I thought maybe work stress or he was tired (we’ve got a toddler and been TTC for a few months now), but it’s been bubbling under for a bit.

Last night I asked him straight out what was going on and he ended up admitting he’s kissed his best mate. Not once but a few times. Said it’s only ever been when they were drunk, but one of those times was on his stag do back in Jan, which I knew nothing about.

His best mate is bi and they’re very close. Always chatting privately, loads of inside jokes, texting each other constantly. He always makes little comments when we’re all together – stuff like “don’t be jealous” or joking about stealing DH away. I’ve always seen it as harmless banter and never thought anything of it.

DH says it’s just been silly, drunken stuff, never serious, doesn’t mean anything, nothing more than a kiss. But I feel completely thrown.

I wouldn’t be ok if he was kissing a woman mate while drunk, so why should this be any different? What’s rattling me most is that it’s happened more than once and I only know now cos I pushed. He’s clearly been carrying this and acting weird for weeks.

We’re trying for another baby and I’m sat here wondering what the hell is going on in my marriage. I feel a bit humiliated tbh.

Would this be a massive deal for you or would you let it go as drunk nonsense? I genuinely don’t know how to feel right now.

100% agree!

Exactly. He’s just waiting for OP’s husband to come out of the closet so that their relationship doesn’t have to be secret anymore.

I explained why it’s homophobic further back in the thread.

Cheating is shit but talking about it being repulsive/sickening/disgusting is homophobic.

You really need some real life support OP.

This is really out of control.

Please tell your mother / a friend / anyone.

I'd also look for a councillor for you... not him or as a couple

Your marriage is dead.
Do NOT get pregnant again with him.

I'm really sorry OP, you're in what they used to call a ' lavender marriage.' He's not putting you first but his mate and even if he stays for now, at some time, the friend will win because your DH won't be able to continue as things are.

As a PP said, you'll get the usual speech ' It's not you, it's me, can't live a lie etc...' and by then you could have two or more kids in tow, please don't TTC with him.

You are young enough to extricate yourself and find someone who loves YOU, with no suspicion of furtive BJ's/ HJ's etc and more going on behind the scenes with another man and your Husband, because you'll never have another minute's peace and please be careful because what he's told you might only be the tip of the iceberg.

Wishing you strength and here's a big hand hold!

Bloody hell OP.

This is in no way forgivable.

Your husband is clearly attracted to men, which is fine except he’s hidden it from you, and your marriage is based on lies and most likely infidelity.

No straight man lets his mate wank him off or give him a blow job “just because” (or whatever his reason was for their fun in college). Do you engage in that kind of sexual activity with any of your female friends? I doubt it.

And I doubt the hand jobs and blow jobs were one sided either.

The friend definitely seems to be desperately in love with your DH and your husband is completely taking advantage of that.

You are the perfect beard whilst he has “drunken nonsense” interactions with his mate that he fancies, even if he can’t admit it yet.

What @Hollietree said. Your husband's behaviour is appalling. And don't feel foolish, though that's a natural feeling when someone you trust has let you down so horribly. No-one would expect their partner to be so self-centred and so unaware. Or that skilful at compartmentalising!

Things are starting to crumble for your DH. They started crumbling when someone threatened to tell you. That's why he been so "off" ever since. He's still trying to pretend that nothing has changed and it's all a big fuss over nothing and he's not as gay as a grig. You don't have to let him keep up that pretence.

I wonder if his friend has started pressuring him to choose. That would affect DH's mood. But maybe the friend accepts he's not Mr Right and he's making do with half a relationship. He probably doesn't care that he's godfather to your child, in his mind it only matters he's godfather to DH's child.

If you do let your DH carry on he might be able to compartmentalise for a few years longer and then he'll decide he doesn't need you (or friend) any more and he'll be away. He does sound that selfish.

Though... why is he leaving an unlocked phone lying about? It's as if he wants you to find out.

Like I said in my post at 03.28 - posted before your update- IF you stay with him you will drive yourself mad.
The trust has gone. Every time he sees his ‘friend’ you will be demented and torturing yourself.
After his revaluations - which he didn’t have the decency to tell you about before you got married/had a child - this relationship is utterly doomed.
The only way I can see a chink of light is if he gave up ‘friend’ with zero contact and you moved away - but even then, every time he left the house you would be wondering if he was meeting him/phoning him.
Get your ducks lined up and tell someone so you have RL support.
I really feel for you, your life has been turned upside down so quickly but you cannot carry on like this. Dont let him blame you - this is 100% on him.

There are several very useful threads on MN explaining how to find out financial information and prepare yourself for a divorce and can look after your child.

I agree totally with @gillefc82
And also wanted to say how very very sorry I am @Alitea - my ex was unfaithful to me in this way… and I appreciate a bit of how you must be feeling.

Perhaps one other stage/ option for you is to force the issue and ask him to leave. I appreciate this is huge and sudden / but it’s important he understands your strength of feeling.

He could leave and realise this other person isn’t for him, miss you terribly and do anything to win you back- and you MAY decide to forgive him. That’s up to you.
OR he may leave and realise a different lifestyle is for him. But at least you have done it on your terms and timings.

I know many women who’ve done this and some who’s husbands have returned heartbroken and it’s all worked out.

I think what doesn’t work out ever is him not respecting you or appreciating the pain he’s causing and running it all on his terms and making you feel stupid.

wish you every luck and send so much strength to you @Alitea xx

His family are quite traditional. They weren’t happy when we had DS before we were married - didn’t really say anything outright but there were comments and awkward silences. I do think they put pressure on him to propose. We’re both 28 so I guess they had a certain timeline in mind. But I’ve never got the impression they’re homophobic - they’ve met his best mate loads over the years, always been polite with him and included him.

He got back from the gym earlier and I confronted him properly when DS was napping Told him what I’d seen and what I knew.

He completely denied everything. Said he doesn’t want his mate, never has. Then started insulting him - said “why do you think he’s never had a serious relationship since you’ve known him?” and called him clingy, desperate, not even good-looking. Then he said “I wouldn’t touch him even if you paid me” - which honestly stunned me considering he has.

He said his mate is “always sexualising himself” and acts like a joke, then brought up some night out we were all on when his mate left halfway through for a hookup, as if that proved something. Then said “I actually feel sorry for him”.

It was cruel, really. Just nasty. Like he was trying to distance himself from it by ripping the piss out of his mate, even though everything I’ve read says otherwise.

I brought up the messages. The explicit ones, the flirty ones, the photo from uni with the honeymoon joke. He just said it’s “how lads talk” and I’m reading into things that aren’t there.

He refused to leave. Said “I haven’t done anything wrong so I’m not going anywhere”.

We’ve got everything tied together - all our finances are joint, mortgage in both our names, shared bills. It’s not going to be as easy as just walking away. But I honestly don’t know how I stay in this now either.

You can’t stay. Or rather he can’t. I’d get some advice from a solicitor on it all works. But how dare he think there’s nothing wrong and that you’re reading too much into it!!! Either way he has kissed someone while being with you, girl, boy, two headed prehistoric donkey, it’s still cheating. And then those messages! If one of my friends were messaging me the way he messages your DH I’d be completely open with my DH and I’d be shutting it down and dropping contact completely, and the fact he can’t or won’t do that speaks volumes.

“I haven’t done anything wrong” bar repeatedly snogging his best mate, which means he has indeed touched him without being paid.
You can’t make him go anywhere as he joint owns the house, however you can leave and take some time out to consider your options. I would take the little one and go to your family/friends if you can for a few days to get your head around the situation.

He’s gaslighting you and he’s thrown his ‘best’ mate under the bus at the first opportunity. He’s only interested in himself, it doesn’t sound like he’s bothered if you leave him?

I am a straight woman. The thought of kissing another woman is not appealing and I enver found it attractive but I would never say it would horrify me- a bit of an OTT reaction.
But OPs husband is most likely bi or gay and repressing it.

He’s still not telling the truth. It’s clear from what you’ve found that at the very least they used to perform oral sex on each other, not just the friend on him. It also appears that they still are engaging in oral sex, if not more. Probably every Saturday morning during “gym.”

Take your child and go. He’s a cheating, lying piece of scum. His nastiness and toxicity towards his friend/sexual partner is his true colours coming out, so be warned. He will turn this on you as soon as you start divorce. That is who he really is. It’s probably fueled by self-loathing because he is gay and conflicted/ashamed due to his family and upbringing, which can lead to some truly nasty behaviour and lashing out at others.

Go to his mum and tell her and ask her advice.
She is probably a decent sort and will understand? Maybe.... just a thought...you know her and the dynamics.
But if my daughter in law told me that, I would be supportive of her.
Don't let him think you are alone and without help in this scenario. If it's just younand him he sounds like he will try to dominate you.
You need muscle to be present on your side I think.
Some thoughts. I feel for u.

Gently, your husband is a closeted homosexual who clearly can't come to terms with his own sexuality. He's cheating on you and now he's trying to (cruelly) brazen it out. I know it feels like the world is ending and its easier to brush it away.But please understand that this will never just disappear, he will most likely continue or cheat again. Currently he can't accept his sexuality and you are his beard. You need to do what is right for you. Don't cover for him at your own detriment, you're 28 there is plenty of life left for you without someone using you. I wish you all the best.

It's not how ' lads talk' and he knows it, he's gaslighting you. Please see a solicitor ASAP, so at least you know where you stand, I'm so sorry he's treating you this way.

It’s ‘how lads talk’

they really don’t. Perhaps that’s the issue- perhaps he genuinely doesn’t realise that heterosexual blokes don’t talk like that at all. Or even gay men to women. So he’s normalised his bisexuality in his mind into thinking that it is ordinary behaviour to do with your mates rather than cheating and inappropriate flirty banter or worse.

OP -please get your ducks in a row

This is it I’m afraid. It’s not boys stuff, it’s gay boys stuff. He is in a sexual relationship with his friend that predates your marriage. Please get legal advice, and look for support from others/groups or organisations . Good luck.

He’s gay. Leave.

..I wouldn’t touch him even if you paid me” (which means im not gay i wouldnt touch him but as you say he has, this is his denial of bring gay/bi and not wanting to have those feelings because they make him disgusted with himself)

...actually feel sorry for him”.( meaning hes gay i feel sorry for him, im glad im married and settled and also him knowing if he came out as gay it would be gay hook ups and he doesnt want that, part of him obviously does want that but hes safe with you good old wifey

...Said “I haven’t done anything wrong so I’m not going( hes been sexting and been sexual with another person more than once and hes saying im not leaving, just shut up hes my mate, as others have said what if his mate was female and he was saying oh shut up im not leaving so what if ive snogged her and texted and had oral sex with her, )

....the only way forward would be him to go into counselling and him to cut his mate out his life, you deserve better much better

Tell your parents and his.
He thinks he can brazen this out.
He really is scum.
How dare he treat you like this.

Telling people will move this along.
I am so sorry but your marriage is a sham and it is over.

He doesn't get to destroy your life and use you indefinitely.