Found out DH kissed his best mate while drunk

[Alitea]

Feeling a bit wobbly so just posting to get this out and see what others think.

DH has been really off the past few weeks – short tempered, snappy over nothing, just not himself. I thought maybe work stress or he was tired (we’ve got a toddler and been TTC for a few months now), but it’s been bubbling under for a bit.

Last night I asked him straight out what was going on and he ended up admitting he’s kissed his best mate. Not once but a few times. Said it’s only ever been when they were drunk, but one of those times was on his stag do back in Jan, which I knew nothing about.

His best mate is bi and they’re very close. Always chatting privately, loads of inside jokes, texting each other constantly. He always makes little comments when we’re all together – stuff like “don’t be jealous” or joking about stealing DH away. I’ve always seen it as harmless banter and never thought anything of it.

DH says it’s just been silly, drunken stuff, never serious, doesn’t mean anything, nothing more than a kiss. But I feel completely thrown.

I wouldn’t be ok if he was kissing a woman mate while drunk, so why should this be any different? What’s rattling me most is that it’s happened more than once and I only know now cos I pushed. He’s clearly been carrying this and acting weird for weeks.

We’re trying for another baby and I’m sat here wondering what the hell is going on in my marriage. I feel a bit humiliated tbh.

Would this be a massive deal for you or would you let it go as drunk nonsense? I genuinely don’t know how to feel right now.

Op, out of curiosity how old are you all?

Definitely this.

Is there somewhere you can go for a day or so with the bairn OP, so you can have space to clear your head and chat with someone IRL?

I'd also be telling him you won't be keeping his secret either.

Please please think of your future, 10 or 20 years down the line. He will unfortunately leave you for his lover at some stage, now he wants kids and be a father. You will look back and realise that you've given your time and life and years to a man who does not respect you, who lies to you, who does not even take the slightest notice of your feelings. He is using you. Not even giving friend up, not even pretending to give him up, his lover, not his mate.
Please do this for your future self, do not be his beard, do not waste your precious years on this man and his lover.
You deserve more, someone who loves you, respects you and does not cheat on you. You don't want to be the woman who wasted decades of her life on a man, only for him to then come out as bi/gay and ride of into the sunset with his lover. Really sorry OP. Sending you best wishes, it must be so hard.

It was just a kiss..

Then is was a blow job and some hand jobs

He is telling you the bare minimum hoping it will go away, it's been going on for so long it isn't shocking him.

He has successfully lead a double life for years, and hopes it will just blow over so he can carry on..

I mean he has chose the friend already because he's left you twice to go with him..

I bet he isn't even at the gym right now.

I see what you mean. I originally thought that the op's DH was stringing along the friend and giving him false hope, throwing him breadcrumbs etc which is akin to being lied to.
But he's actually the OW, isn't he. Completely complicit and no excuse.

He sounds such a dishonourable, dishonest liar.
He thinks the OP is a complete mug.
God help her.
I really hope she dumps him and blows up his life.
She is clearly his beard.

I'm so sorry OP but his primary relationship is with his friend, not you. If you asked him to give up his friend to save his marriage he has told you he wouldn't, he'd let you walk. He has a long standing sexual relationship with his 'friend' that hasn't ended, and won't end, whether he genuinely believes it's 'silly, laddish, means nothing' or he's in denial himself only you can try to know, but he's cheating on you, very likely it's more than kissing when you're away or they have the oppertunity, you're never going to be able to trust him again and you deserve someone for whom you're the most important person in their world.

Your husband is gay. He is just steps away from an affair with this man, and doing it right in front of your face. Actually, in a lot of ways, he is already having an affair with this man.

Get some respect for yourself and leave. Within a year or two, he’ll be in a relationship with this guy.

Exactly this ☝

Pretty much, yes. I will get stick for this, no doubt, but I don't really believe that men are ever bi. I have known quite a few men who claimed bisexuality in their late teens and early twenties. Funnily enough, now that we're all in our forties they are all settled down with husbands/male partners. I've known one or two men who fooled around with other boys while at boarding school who are now 100% straight, but they never called themselves 'bi' and it was genuinely just an outlet: if the boarding school had been mixed, I doubt they would have done it.

OP tell him to leave and call his mum and tell her to get a room ready for him as you can't have you near him as he has been cheating with a man (it was cheating with the kisses and even more so now with the sexual encounters).

Tell him he has cheated with a man and has put you in danger of STIs. Don't let him gaslight you or minimise this any longer.

The fact that they have this relationship and yet he still insisted going to the gym with him shows he doesn't care about you or your feelings. He just wants to have his cake and eat it.

To the posters saying the friend is a victim - I don't see it that way. He's been making comments in front of you this whole time and is just a bad.

And to the others making this post be about homophobia or bi/gay debate - who cares. the only label id give him is a cheating, lying, gaslighting bastard.

OP don't worry about another argument just tell him to go. You deserve so much more. He's been using you as his closet to hide in. I don't care if he's ashamed or doesn't realise he's gay/bi, but I am angry at what he's done/doing to you.

He doesn’t get to decide whether it matters or not. It matters to you. And the more you post, the clearer it becomes that your husband has been cheating on you for your entire relationship.

His primary relationship is with this man. You and your child are his cover story.

There is no way back from this.

There was even an explicit message – something like “can’t stop thinking about your mouth on me”. DH didn’t reply, but didn’t shut it down either. Just left it hanging......this means your hubby was giving oral sex to his friend, this isnt even about being gay or bi hes been unfaithful for a long time its not a one night stand this has been going on for ever, whatever you decide he needs to cut his mate out his life full stop and if he wont theres your answer, he wants both of you

I agree with PP that your husband's primary relationship is with this man. In a twisted way, his friend sees you as the other woman who came and 'stole' his man away, and if it weren't for you, they would be together.

Your husband is showing you who is allegiances are with, and it's not you. He has lied, drip-fed, allowed this man to disrespect you without defending you, and humiliating you behind your back. Worse, he deceived you into a marriage without giving you the opportunity to make an informed decision as to whether you wanted to enter into it, knowing what you know now. This is an utterly reprehensible way to treat another human being, let alone someone you care about.

If you can, try and break things down into manageable steps, i.e.,

• Your physical wellbeing - get STI screening for your own assurance, and get on some reliable birth control.
• Your financial wellbeing - speak to a solicitor so that you understand the steps of the divorce process for if/when that time comes, get important documents copied.
• Your emotional wellbeing - reach out to trusted friends/family who will support you. Maybe have someone come to watch your toddler so that you can get out and clear your head for a couple of hours.

Most importantly, try not to see your husband as a prize to win back. I know you probably want to keep your family together, but don't debase yourself in trying to get him to pick you. He has already chosen his friend by going to the gym, if they are even at the gym. It's possible his friend is now trying to tell your husband how great it is that the cat is out of the bag and they can live a happy life together. As a PP said, some people get a kick out of 'winning' men away from their wives/children, it's a hideous form of misogyny, I've seen it happen.

I am not sure if your DH is wanting his mate or not. It sounds like a lot of it is one-sided. Definitely the mate wants to push you away and feels like you stole ‘his’ man. But they weren’t together before you were they? Did DH have many girlfriends before you? Part of me thinks, ok, tell him to put his mate straight - saying no more crossing the like. I’d want to know (possibly from the girl who saw them) if he responds to the mate when he kisses him. And, if it is nothing, why doesn’t it happen in front of you? Either his mate is messing with his head and he is not mature enough to deal with it, or, they are both taking you for a fool.

So looks like your husband lied again when he said he never touched the friend back.

Your husband is bi, but he’s not being honest with himself and you.

He likes the attention from the friend and should have shut it down ages ago! He is continuously cheating on you and seems to not show any remorse for it either.

He has hurt you, been lying to you and cheating on you for quite some time. You need to try put yourself and your child first, what do you want from this? It might be best to tell him to stay elsewhere until you decide what’s best for you.

Grounds for a divorce, you’ve been cheated on and lied to and they have a history together before you even knew him. I’m so sorry but I would say end your marriage regardless of genders here. You have been treated so badly. With no trust, respect, loyalty or honesty there’s no relationship.

Funny I don’t feel sorry for him at all. He knows his mate is married. At that point you walk away if you have feeling for the married person and can’t deal with it. The friend knows what he is doing.

Read the OP’s posts before commenting. 30 pages in a lot has happened.

Good grief @Alitea, my heart goes out to you.
What a dreadful situation.
Right under your nose has been someone that is insanely jealous of you and has been trying to scupper your relationship/marriage the whole time.
And to make it worse, your husband has been playing along.

Weirdly, it may feel different because it's a bloke, not another woman. This is why it won't have been so obvious, but in truth it's exactly the same.
The deceit, the betrayal, the humiliation.
How dare your husband do this to you and your child.

Don't allow anyone to downplay the gravity of this situation.
It is not the occasional drunken kiss with his mate.
It is cheating.
There is no way you would tolerate this if it was with a female and you should not considier tolerating it now.

I couldn't give a flying fuck if your dh is confused. His behavious has been outragous.

Can you send DS to a family member or friend for the day and air this when your husband gets back from the gym? You can't keep this buttoned up all weekend, it'll do you no good at all. He needs to be shown the door.

This is not his “best friend”, this is his sexual and emotional partner of many years. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Please don’t let him gaslight you that this is somehow normal lads behaviour - it is not. Married men aren’t meant to fool around with other people, and they are definitely not meant to have longstanding relationships of many years under the guise of being “best friends”.

Also - I am OUTRAGED that he has gone off to the gym with him as normal. This is a weekly date with the person he is cheating on you with, and he has the balls to refuse to cancel it? He couldn’t miss it this one time when you’ve just found out and are shocked and confused and upset? A-hole.

OP please get your affairs in order and work out a life separate from him.

normally when it comes to affairs I always think nothing is black and white and sometimes couples can move past it and sometimes not. Every situation is very nuanced and reasons for affairs are plenty and varied

but this is one of the worst kinds of betrayal. He’s bisexual and never told you. If you are going to be intimate with someone I do think that is something you should know ahead of time. It may matter to you or it may not but I feel it is part of the foundations of a relationship knowing your partner’s sexuality and whether they have been intimate with someone of the same sex. The fact that it is trickling out now and he’s clearly not being truthful I don’t think you can ever fully trust him again. The what ifs will drive you potty and you don’t deserve that. The fact he doesn’t see how hurtful it is or what the problem is shows he will continue this and I would suggest, in a choice between you and his mate, he would pick his mate.

The friend knows that OPs DH is living a lie. He's waiting for when the inevitable happenes so he can "spoil" OP's DH