Found out DH kissed his best mate while drunk

[Alitea]

Feeling a bit wobbly so just posting to get this out and see what others think.

DH has been really off the past few weeks – short tempered, snappy over nothing, just not himself. I thought maybe work stress or he was tired (we’ve got a toddler and been TTC for a few months now), but it’s been bubbling under for a bit.

Last night I asked him straight out what was going on and he ended up admitting he’s kissed his best mate. Not once but a few times. Said it’s only ever been when they were drunk, but one of those times was on his stag do back in Jan, which I knew nothing about.

His best mate is bi and they’re very close. Always chatting privately, loads of inside jokes, texting each other constantly. He always makes little comments when we’re all together – stuff like “don’t be jealous” or joking about stealing DH away. I’ve always seen it as harmless banter and never thought anything of it.

DH says it’s just been silly, drunken stuff, never serious, doesn’t mean anything, nothing more than a kiss. But I feel completely thrown.

I wouldn’t be ok if he was kissing a woman mate while drunk, so why should this be any different? What’s rattling me most is that it’s happened more than once and I only know now cos I pushed. He’s clearly been carrying this and acting weird for weeks.

We’re trying for another baby and I’m sat here wondering what the hell is going on in my marriage. I feel a bit humiliated tbh.

Would this be a massive deal for you or would you let it go as drunk nonsense? I genuinely don’t know how to feel right now.

I actually feel quite sad for his mate. Your DH is stringing him along. What is your DH's family like? Are they quite strict or belong to a strict religion? I wonder if your DH isn't living the life he wants because of his family?

This is awful op . They’ve been doing this since before you were on the scene and he has sold you a lie. If you had known about this previously I’m betting you would never have married him.
I have suspicions about my dp’s female ‘best friend’ which I just can’t shake. If I found out similar to what you have we’d be absolutely done. Makes no difference who the other person is , male or female he’s cheating.

Another thought too - is he with you because it's easier for a man to have children, and particularly children that are biologically his, with a woman? Will he "suddenly realise" he is gay / is bi but wants to be with a man, once he's made you his broad mare? Protect yourself OP.

Seen your updates. The friend definitely fancies your dh and they obviously have a sexual history. Given everything that's happened, I think if you're going to stay with your dh (I personally wouldn't as he's cheated) then he needs to cut ties with this friend. Doesn't matter that the friend is male, this friend is blatantly interested in him and continuing to pursue him through flirty messages and snogging him when he gets the chance (maybe more given their history). It's just not appropriate that he still maintains a relationship with him if he's serious about keeping his marriage with you in tact.

If he won't take this seriously and do what he needs to save your marriage, then I think that tells you all you need to know.

Ah OP, I’ve been in this exact situation. Please believe what you’re reading and don’t be tempted to try and explain it away.

If this was a woman, you’d presumably have separated by now or at least given the ultimatum that he’d need to cease the friendship but for some reason as it’s a man, it doesn’t feel as much like cheating.

In my situation, my (then) partner had a very close ‘best friend’ who I suspected was bi. They spent all their spare time together and the ‘best friend’ was always making jokes about me ‘stealing him’. I too looked at my partner’s phone and there were memes about gay men, gay porn etc. The boyfriend insisted it was just ‘banter’ but then just like you, after I did a lot of probing, discovered they’d had a very casual relationship years ago too.

For me, that was the end. It wasn’t because he was bi because as others have said, bi people can be monogamous too. It was the lies, the omission of the truth and how I knew (deep down) that he’d always pick his best friend over me.

No one wants to live like that.

Your husband is a liar and a cheating cunt. That it’s with his male ‘best friend’ is an extra betrayal.

There is nothing, nothing he can say that can justify this.

and he admitted that back at uni, his mate gave him blowjobs and handjobs. Said it wasn’t a regular thing and that he never touched him back

But they kiss?!

Why are so many people feeling sorry for the friend ffs?!

He is :

most likely having sexual relations with a married man - or at the very least kissing him

helping to destroy the mother of his godchild

constantly making barbed comments about OP behind her back and to her face.

perfectly happy to see and play the role in the breakup of OP’s /his godchild’s family.

Am I missing something here? If this was a woman bestie would you be feeling sorry for her too? The internalised misogyny and babying of men is gross.

Yes this! What straight man would string along a gay friend, especially one they know for a fact fancies them. I wouldn’t do that as a single person, never mind a married one. I don’t feel sorry for friend though, he’s a twat.

Your dh has crossed too many lines to come back from. Your future will be full of distrust. I would leave.

And yes, this has only come out because of the gf, otherwise he would have carried on his secret double life.

@Alitea dont waste your time looking for a relationship counsellor!! look for a divorce lawyer instead!!! oh and make sure you tell all his friends and relatives, and even workmates, the exact reason you are divorcing!!

I certainly don’t feel sorry for him, he has also betrayed OP, but ultimately the onus is on the married person, not the single one, to dictate the boundaries.

OP, just wanted to give you the facts (I'm gay). Unfortunately, I'm not here to tell you that you've got the wrong end of the stick, and what you want to hear.

• Your husband has clearly cheated on you. Multiple times. Them having fun in uni was the beginning of it. He and his "best friend" having "jokey" kisses is the beginning of another chapter. It will never stop. It will only get worse from here. You will be gaslit, lied to, minimised, etc., by your husband. Think about whether this is the relationship you want.

Secondly, his best friend sees you as his direct competitor. There is a "kink" in the gay community of "stealing" straight men with wives and children (though let's be honest, they were never straight to begin with). His best friend has been taking the p* out of you all along. Every chance he's got, he has joked about you, belittled you, etc., and your husband has not shut him down. Your husband has not even defended you once. Again, is this really the relationship you want?

I would bet both he and his best friend are gay not bi. Your husband's telling you he's bi so you stick with him. I'd bet my house he's 100% gay and you've been his beard all along to fit his heteronormative fantasy. Your relationship will one day turn into Theo and Todd's from Corrie. Do you want that?

The more I read your posts, the worst they got. Your husband is cheating on you and is at least clearly bi-sexual. My DH has really close mates, but they’d never give each other blow jobs!!!!! You need to end this relationship. The fact he doesn’t care about how you feel by still going to the gym with him clearly shows you who the priority is in his life.

So horrible for you. Please put yourself first here.

I was talking to a man online once, very handsome Italian guy I was going to meet for a date. He mentioned he was extremely open minded. Something in me told me to probe further and I asked him in what way. It turned out he had various types of sex with multiple men. I asked him does he ever miss it, since he said he’s not done it for ages. His answer was that he missed sucking a man’s dick sometimes. I said to him no judgement but it wasn’t for me, dating a guy who liked sucking men’s dicks.

He got a bit despondent and said honesty gets you nowhere. I told him he had did the right thing by being honest as he could find someone who accepted him as he was.

He basically insinuated he would keep it to himself next time. It kind of horrifies me to know so many men are like this,they know the woman would turn them down if they were honest so they deceive her.

yep. I didn’t suggest otherwise and I have commented on the husbands behaviour multiple times on this thread. And said OP needs to focus on dealing with him, not his friend.

I’m just addressing the sudden slew of bizarre comments about “feeling sorry for the friend”

No one should feel sorry for the friend. His friend knows exactly what he's doing, what his place is in everything, and is hoping to steal him from OP. The friend at the very least is hoping he'll be the one to "bag the straight dude".

💯 this .. you married a closeted man. I am so sorry, he may well be in denial, struggling to reconcile his sexuality- but that is no excuse because he’s acted on his feelings, engaged in intimate acts outside of your relationship/marriage- that is a choice he made on several occasions.

Also brace yourself for more revelations- no doubt the information he has volunteered is what he feels comfortable you knowing- I wouldn’t be surprised if his relationship with his friend isn’t an open secret amongst his friends and possibly his family.

Have you thought about having a conversation with the friend?

This. I do feel sorry for the friend tbh. Edited to say having read pp, yes his friend knows what he's doing but he's also being encouraged and lied to.

But what sort of person is your DH, happy to strong along his best mate and chest on his wife whilst doing so?

You cant trust a word he's saying with the recent drop feed, from nothing happened to hand and blow jobs but he never touched the friend back?? What's next?

It does sound likely they've had sex, but even if not, what he's admitted so far is already cheating.

I think from those messages it doesn't sound like your DH would rather be with his friend than you. It is clearly an inappropriate relationship and I agree with others DH is almost certainly bi. But it doesn't sound like he is having a full on affair with his mate or interested in it going further. So it may be salvageable.

I think your only option is to try to help him see how wrong this is and how disrespectful to you. If he can't then you will have to leave him, at least temporarily, to make him realise and see whether he can/will give his friend up to save his marriage.

Salvageable?! 😫 of course it isn’t salvageable. For fuck’s sake!

Thanks, I missed the toddler bit, I was so focused on the TTC. Thanks.

So your husband is doing the usual cheater's thing of admitting part of what he's done in installments.

Said it wasn’t a regular thing and that he never touched him back – apparently it was just “getting each other off” when they were single and bored, no romantic feelings, just what they “needed to do”.

Such rubbish. Straight men don't do this. I'd suspect they're probably having sex in toilets when they're out drinking.

It's almost hard to believe that he thinks he can convince you that he isn't cheating and it's all 'messing about'.

Exactly, he knows what he’s doing and is loving being with a “straight man”.

And it’s not like he’s some random who doesn’t know/know of the wife of the man he’s sleeping with.

The fact he can come along to the wedding, family events etc, all the while carrying on with her husband is extra shocking.

The husband is the main culprit sure, but no sympathy for this man at all.

How is the friend being lied to? He was at their wedding.

He accepted being god father to her child. While having an affair with her husband and making sly barbed comments to her, in front of her husband. Knowing that her husband was in a sexual relationship with him.

He is an absolute piece of shit as is the OP husband.