Found out DH kissed his best mate while drunk

[Alitea]

Feeling a bit wobbly so just posting to get this out and see what others think.

DH has been really off the past few weeks – short tempered, snappy over nothing, just not himself. I thought maybe work stress or he was tired (we’ve got a toddler and been TTC for a few months now), but it’s been bubbling under for a bit.

Last night I asked him straight out what was going on and he ended up admitting he’s kissed his best mate. Not once but a few times. Said it’s only ever been when they were drunk, but one of those times was on his stag do back in Jan, which I knew nothing about.

His best mate is bi and they’re very close. Always chatting privately, loads of inside jokes, texting each other constantly. He always makes little comments when we’re all together – stuff like “don’t be jealous” or joking about stealing DH away. I’ve always seen it as harmless banter and never thought anything of it.

DH says it’s just been silly, drunken stuff, never serious, doesn’t mean anything, nothing more than a kiss. But I feel completely thrown.

I wouldn’t be ok if he was kissing a woman mate while drunk, so why should this be any different? What’s rattling me most is that it’s happened more than once and I only know now cos I pushed. He’s clearly been carrying this and acting weird for weeks.

We’re trying for another baby and I’m sat here wondering what the hell is going on in my marriage. I feel a bit humiliated tbh.

Would this be a massive deal for you or would you let it go as drunk nonsense? I genuinely don’t know how to feel right now.

I wouldn't contact her either OP. You have enough evidence, keep your dignity and your head held high

As a previous poster said, the fact he phrased it as they were getting each other off tells you the blowjobs / handjobs were reciprocal. Plus the message about missing him in his bed. They're absolutely mugging you off.

I appreciate you feel so alone but it's worth asking him to leave for a bit(we know where he's going to go!) And ask a friend or relative to come stay. It's essential you have real life support and space to process this before he gaslights you any further.

There’s no coming back from this, he’s had an affair for the entirety of your relationship. That kind of deceit is unforgivable, unfortunately it looks as though he has been off because they have been caught out by the friend’s girlfriend and knew that you were going to be told.

Tbh none of them are your friends, I couldn’t turn up to a wedding knowing the groom had been carrying on with his best mate.

Prioritise yourself and your child. It seems regardless he’s going to do what he wants and I’d be doing the same.

People have all sorts of arrangements within their relationship and with 2 consenting adults that’s absolutely fine. He’s been leading a double life and never once asked you how you would feel about it? Instead he married you and started a family with you without showing you his true self.

Im sorry you are dealing with this especially with a little one in tow, it’s incredibly difficult but in all honesty there is absolutely nothing that he could say or we could talk about that would want to make me stay.

So have you read the update? He’s now owned up to having oral sex with his mate in the past. And I’m sure, as most of said, there will be many more admissions.

As the poster you’re quoting says, straight men just don’t kiss their guy mates/ other men. And certain not on multiple occasions.

I don’t know any straight women who drunkenly kiss their female friends, a few did as drunk teens exploring but it wasn’t something they continued.

If any of my married female friends did this I’d assume they were bicurious at least. Not everyone accepts this as “normal straight women” behaviour.

I have focused on the cheating and the dishonesty.

I don't care if he's straight, bi or gay. He's actively cheating/flirting with another person, a person he used to do sexual things with admittedly, is still doing sexual things with, and a person who actively wants him that he's not 'shutting down'.

OP should be kicking him to the kerb. He's a cheater and actively gaslighting the OP over it.

He's also an asshole who knows his friend wants him/loves him and he's enjoying the attention rather than being straight with the friend about his feelings, too. Just like he's not straight with the OP about his feelings about her and everything.

I'd end it.

This is not ok and don't let your husband say it is. They are having secret conversations and have a secret history of which you know a little but probably not even half of what's been said/done.
it isn't healthy and deceitful. If he's not willing to step back from this other relationship I don't know how you could ever trust him Again.

He has told you so much that at this point I agree it’s no longer worth asking the girlfriend of that other guy who threatened to tell you.

I think at this point you need to just keep digging directly with him and then make a decision as to what you’re going to do.

I mean what more can she tell you? He’s admitted to doing everything bar anal sex with this man- and I’m sure that admission will come later.

Definitely time for STI test.
More confessions might come out and men who are in denial are less likely to take precautions because they see it as an impulsive thing outside of their normal life.
My ex turned out to be secretly bi and cheating with men. Conscience caught up with him and he started acting weird and insisting I take an HIV test, and it all came out. Most terrifying time of my life waiting for those results to come back.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.
It's gone from a drunk kiss in front of mates to BJ's and hand jobs which I assume wasn't in front of mates. So, who knows what has really happened.
I would say LTB. Not easy but he would never have told you if he hadn't been cornered and you have entered a relationship and marriage without this knowledge. Would you have walked that path if you'd known?
I would put money on him coming out later in life and leaving you high and dry for this man. I've seen it too many times. Don't waste your best years on this man OP. Get out while you can. Yes, it'll be hard, but as the Japanese saying goes, if you stay on the train it's going to take you longer to get back to the right station. Best of luck, but know you will be fine.

"I asked directly if anything else had ever happened between them and he admitted that back at uni, his mate gave him blowjobs and handjobs. Said it wasn’t a regular thing and that he never touched him back – apparently it was just “getting each other off” when they were single and bored... There was even an explicit message – something like “can’t stop thinking about your mouth on me”."

This is trickle-truth in action - a HALLMARK sign of cheating.

H has OBVIOUSLY reciprocated at LEAST orally - “getting each other off”, “can’t stop thinking about your mouth on me”.

Which means he is totally lying about "he never touched him back".

What else is he lying about? I think that girl saw a lot more than kissing.

Your H is in damage control. But he's obviously emotionally intertwined with friend, and friend is head over heels for him.

Keep the evidence somewhere safe. Can you find the girl?

As terribly painful as this is OP, you have a definitive answer as to your relationship with him which is over.
Allow yourself to cry and be angry and grieve for the relationship you thought you had.
Your future awaits you.
Sending you hugs and strength

Hi OP

The saddest thing about this is you've found something out, that would end or at least severely alter most marriages, and you feel like you can't discuss it because 'it will cause an argument'...that's really really not normal. If he has gone to the gym with his friend, he is clearly never going to change ans doesn't see anything wrong with it.

Forget the fact they're mates and their sex. It's not OK, when you're married (or in a serious relationship) to -

• spend most of your free time with someone who you used to have a sexual relationship with
• hide from your partner that you used to have a sexual relationship with that person
• not shut down continuous sexual and flirty communication from that person, as being inappropriate since they're in a relationship
• kiss that person, drunk or not, messing around or not

It's all completely fucking wrong and its worrying that you had to ask, there is literally nobody I know that would accept that behaviour in their relationship. No-onedoubtfully. In a way it doesn't matter if he is bi or not, or if he fancies his friend or not, even if he is mostly straight his behaviour isn't ok.

And if he is being honest that he doesn't want to be with his friend (which I find highly doubtfull) then he's being cruel to him as well, stringing him along and not shutting down any of his advances...for an ego boost?

Sorry OP I think your relationship is over

He is treating both you and his ‘best mate’ deplorably. He knows his mate is clearly in love with him, and yet has perpetuated emotional and physical intimacy for years and years. He’s enjoyed the sexual thrill, knowing that he’s ’using’ him to get off while his mate clearly sees it as far more than just getting his rocks off. He’s then sustaining this intimacy with him, ‘joking’ along with him but then marrying you. He’s not in the slightest bit guilty about the way he is treating either of you. I wouldn’t get hung up on labels about whether it’s straight or bi or gay. This sounds more like a kink, and a massive ego boost.

He doesn’t sound very nice op, he’s treating you both with contempt. I don’t see how you can come back from this as he appears to think he’s doing and done nothing wrong.

Would you have married him knowing his history and knowing that this person was still in his life so intimately? Now you know they have a sexual history, and are continuing sexual contact as well as emotional intimacy - where does that leave you? He’s so entrenched I don’t think he’ll give the friend up, and so you’ll either need to accept you’re in a non monogamous relationship, or leave.

He clearly doesn’t really care about either of you, he only cares about himself.

Perhaps start the conversation about what fidelity and honesty looks like for you, and how his behaviour has made you feel, loss of trust etc - it doesn’t really sound like he’ll care though. So even better, while he’s out pack a bag and tell him you’re not coming back until he’s prepared to recognise how serious this is.

How so? What is 'homophobic' about not wanting your husband to cheat?

I’m really sorry OP. You’ve been used by this man.

It sounds like he’s in love with this friend and conflicted of destroying the nuclear family he’s created. At best, it’s just a sexual thing but with how long they’ve been friends - I’d be leaning towards it’s deeper. I’d personally leave him. If it was a woman and all this was going on you’d know your answer.

Awful he’s put you through having his child and possibly another. Even worse he’s been having it off with his mate in front of your mutual friends, no respect whatsoever.

Please get tested for sexual diseases and kick him out.

The way to look at it is ‘how would you feel and be reacting if it was a woman’?

Hes trying to fob it off as just good friends, and thinking it’s ok because it’s another man. I know my husband wouldn’t even be able to jet another man touch him intimately, let alone get an erection. So I call bullshit on it just being ‘getting each other off’. Your DH is at least bi, if not covering up the fact he’s full on gay.

But regardless of his sexual orientation, he’s married to you and cheating on you with someone.

It’s what really bugs me. You’re not allowed to feel aggrieved by cheating and deception if your OH comes out as gay. I’d argue it’s worse because you ask yourself if your whole relationship was a lie and they always knew. You can’t be angry because everyone else calls them brave and strong etc.

Throwing the word homophobia around is silly in this instance. I can’t see any homophobia whatsoever, I think comments are holding back compared to similar threads because it’s same sex cheating!

Hear hear! I might possibly able to move past my husband cheating on me with a woman, depending on why it happened. I would never, ever be able to forgive him cheating with a man, because it would fundamentally change who he was and make me question everything. I wouldn't ever date a bisexual man and that's ok.

I completely agree, I feel sorry for the friend and awful for the OP. I don’t believe they were only intimate at uni because they were single and had nothing else to do….It sounds like your DH is in denial about his sexuality and thinks as he received what was on offer rather than performed sexually himself he’s not gay/bi if his story is accurate.
Imagine being his best mate all these years since uni, being totally in love by the sounds of it and because he is shown physical intimacy on occasions probably believes if he just hangs in there, your DH will admit who he really is and they have a chance to live happily ever after….
My Uncle came out in his 50’s after being married with children, he had felt family pressure when younger to be someone he wasn’t. He waited until his children were grown up but his wife must have felt that she had wasted years on a lie despite them remaining good friends.
To me it doesn’t matter the sex of the best friend, if they were female, had been previously intimate and were continuing to behave in an inappropriate manner I wouldn’t be sticking around.
I don’t think you need to keep having conversations about it, you need to decide what you can live with and what you can’t. I wouldn’t be able to live this lie, especially as he won’t give up the BF. It sounds like he expects you to put up with it, your friends girlfriend obviously knew it was crossing a major line otherwise she wouldn’t have threatened to tell you, but thank goodness she did before you had found yourself pregnant again.

It's not just the cheating, it's the "trickle down" truths, the fact he only told you at all, because he was forced into it, the fact he thinks so little of you that he's still insisting on still seeing the friend... I mean wtaf?? Can you imagine if you'd been having an affair, but when your husband asked you to stop, you got annoyed with him and told him he was being unreasonable?! Because you were in denial about your sexuality - it really isn't an excuse.

I know it's a shock OP, but I really would try and get support irl too. If only for practicalities, like having someone to watch your child. Can you stay with family? You sound vulnerable, in that you are afraid of arguing with him, and he is trying to get you to believe that this is in any way normal or acceptable. You will get better perspective once you are away from him x

I wasn't trying to say that my standards should apply to OP. I was trying to say that, to him, it might genuinely be meaningless fun. Obviously if it hurts OP he shouldn't do it any more.

He's, at best, having an emotional affair.
Ask him if he feels that he needs to stay off the booze and back off from communicating with his bi friend?

Ask if he wants to stay married or act out on bi feelings?
Serious consideration and honesty from him is called for.

Sorry, just read OP's updates - there is clearly something more going on here. So sorry OP, that's awful 😞

Your husband is Gay, and has had a male side piece for the entirety of your relationship. What's to consider here other than leaving him?

Op , I deal with divorces daily and I see this often , men and women denying bring bisexual or gay for years , forgetting that in the meanwhile they are destroying someone else’s life . I’m together with someone whose wife did the same to him . In his words , it was soul destroying.they had a life together and children .
There is a life outside this . He cheated , the worst possible way imo . You need to come to terms with this and leave him . He needs to accept he had a full relationship with a men for years . Blowjobs and handjobs are a form of sex , he has lied to you fur years .
I am truly sorry but your marriage is over