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Original poster

Found out DH kissed his best mate while drunk

752 replies

Alitea · 13/06/2025 14:05

Feeling a bit wobbly so just posting to get this out and see what others think.

DH has been really off the past few weeks – short tempered, snappy over nothing, just not himself. I thought maybe work stress or he was tired (we’ve got a toddler and been TTC for a few months now), but it’s been bubbling under for a bit.

Last night I asked him straight out what was going on and he ended up admitting he’s kissed his best mate. Not once but a few times. Said it’s only ever been when they were drunk, but one of those times was on his stag do back in Jan, which I knew nothing about.

His best mate is bi and they’re very close. Always chatting privately, loads of inside jokes, texting each other constantly. He always makes little comments when we’re all together – stuff like “don’t be jealous” or joking about stealing DH away. I’ve always seen it as harmless banter and never thought anything of it.

DH says it’s just been silly, drunken stuff, never serious, doesn’t mean anything, nothing more than a kiss. But I feel completely thrown.

I wouldn’t be ok if he was kissing a woman mate while drunk, so why should this be any different? What’s rattling me most is that it’s happened more than once and I only know now cos I pushed. He’s clearly been carrying this and acting weird for weeks.

We’re trying for another baby and I’m sat here wondering what the hell is going on in my marriage. I feel a bit humiliated tbh.

Would this be a massive deal for you or would you let it go as drunk nonsense? I genuinely don’t know how to feel right now.

OP posts:
JFDIYOLO · 14/06/2025 09:58

Keep your copies very safe. You may need them purely to counter any attempts at gaslighting and minimising. At misleading friends. For your own sanity.

A prediction:

If you stay together, especially if you have more children with him, one day there WILL be an announcement.

'I can't live a lie any more, I have to be who I am, take my chance at happiness ' bla bla bla and off they'll go together, leaving you to pick up the family pieces.

And you'll be here asking what happened.

You have what you need.

All the evidence to make up your mind.

Whatado · 14/06/2025 09:58

Alitea · 14/06/2025 09:36

Morning all – thanks again to everyone who’s been following and replying. I didn’t sleep much last night, and he’s gone to the gym now so I’ve got a bit of headspace to update.

Last night we ended up having another talk and it got heavier than I expected. I asked directly if anything else had ever happened between them and he admitted that back at uni, his mate gave him blowjobs and handjobs. Said it wasn’t a regular thing and that he never touched him back – apparently it was just “getting each other off” when they were single and bored, no romantic feelings, just what they “needed to do”.

He was very matter-of-fact about it. Insisted he doesn’t fancy his mate, but when I asked if his mate fancies him, he went quiet and said “maybe”. Just like that.

After he went to sleep, I went back through all the messages. They go back to last summer. I took screenshots of the worst ones, just to keep some kind of record.

There were way more flirty comments than I expected. One from a few days before we got married said “last chance to run off with me, just say the word 😉”. DH just replied “lol shut up” – didn’t really shut it down. Another time, when I was away visiting family with our toddler, his mate messaged “peace and quiet at last, come round and let me spoil you”.

There were more old uni pics too – loads of them – one with them under a blanket on the sofa, his mate had captioned it “our honeymoon phase 😂”. DH replied “those were the days lol”.

I also found one message his mate sent drunk, a few weeks before the wedding, where he wrote “this should’ve been ours”. I don’t even know what that means exactly but it’s messed up and makes me feel completely humiliated.

Another message said “can’t believe she actually stole you from me”. Honestly, I feel sick just writing that.

There was even an explicit message – something like “can’t stop thinking about your mouth on me”. DH didn’t reply, but didn’t shut it down either. Just left it hanging.

Right now I’ve got no idea when I’ll even be able to bring this all up properly. I don’t want to blow up in front of DS and there’s no time we’re ever properly alone where it won’t turn into a full-blown row. I just feel trapped in it all.

Honestly as he is out of the house I would start a WhatsApp group with both of them in it.

Send all the screenshot and tell them you know that he has been cheating on you. That you never in your life want to lay eyes on the "friend" again. Who secretly by the way hates you.

I would pack him a bag leave it on the front door step and tell him to pick it up and you want space away from him.

Then get book a therapy session and reach out to someone you trust for support and to be able to talk to.

NewBinBag · 14/06/2025 09:59

He's given himself an 'excuse' because on the surface it appears that the friend is doing all the chasing.

But he's clearly loving it & in no way shutting it down. And you don't know what's said or done in person, as you only have the undeleted text exchanges.

It's a simple choice of his friend or you I think.

At least the friend knew about you & has made a choice to hang around in the wings like the ghost of blowjobs past - you weren't given that option as your DH has concealed these encounters & flirty messages.

I can only imagine how you're feeling & I'm sorry this has happened to you.

Dontsayyouloveme · 14/06/2025 10:06

girljulian · 14/06/2025 09:50

Wow. Well.

I suspect your husband is in denial about the fact that this is homosexual behaviour; he’s always classified it in his mind as ‘lad stuff’ and that’s allowed him to think it isn’t really cheating or a problem. But it is. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.

Sidenote: how could you “let” your bff get you off all those times and not reciprocate? The pure selfishness is offputting.

Show quote history

Well the DP denied it being reciprocal but then told OP they’d get ‘each other off’ so it clearly was a two way thing… another lie on his part..

okydokethen · 14/06/2025 10:09

See.. he’s gradually letting slip a little more, just a drunken kiss, just a hand/blow job but he didn’t touch… what’s next?
imagine this was a woman’s messages to him, who he wouldn’t stop seeing.
I think if you let this go, you’re accepting that there will continue to be this sexual element to their friendship and it will persist or intensify.

Scottishgirl85 · 14/06/2025 10:10

OP, picture all of this but instead it's a woman (it really makes no difference!). It's not forgiveable and your marriage can't survive this. He has broken his marriage vows, he has no respect for you, and so this is the end of the road. I'm so sorry.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 14/06/2025 10:10

and he admitted that back at uni, his mate gave him blowjobs and handjobs. Said it wasn’t a regular thing and that he never touched him back

I don't believe that for a second

GAJLY · 14/06/2025 10:13

There's no way he's never had sex with him. If he's turned on enough for h.jobs and b.jobs then he's definitely had sex over the years. Even if he hadnt had sex, would you be happy if he had regular making out sessions with foreplay with a woman? He's clearly cheating on you. I'd divorce him and get rid of him. You deserve so much better.

LurkyMcLurkinson · 14/06/2025 10:15

This is a massive betrayal. I would also expect more information to be drip fed by him so you likely don’t even know how bad it truly is yet. Does he recognise that it’s a big betrayal? How do you think he would respond if you had an ongoing friendship with someone you’d been sexually active with and flirted with and kissed? I imagine he wouldn’t be fine with it.

Waterweight · 14/06/2025 10:15

FairTurtle · 14/06/2025 09:53

Do you know what bisexual means? It means you're attracted to people of both sexes. So you can be bi and be married to a woman or a man but still feel attraction to the other sex. Do you think bi people never have long-term relationships or get married?!

Edited
Show quote history

He made a choice though both times... It doesn't mean you get away with doing whoever you like then fucking off to a the gym to live your normal life

JumpingDizzy · 14/06/2025 10:15

It's good you have evidence.

I wouldn't need do any more talking. He doesn't respect you. You can't ever trust him.

See a solicitor asap.

OVienna · 14/06/2025 10:17

He's having a full blown affair with this guy, probably more or less throughout your relationship, and he's said he won't cut contact. More will continue to come out. OP - please dont invest any more time in this man.

Cafenoisette · 14/06/2025 10:17

Get rid of him. There's no coming back from this.
He didn't marry you for the right reasons, most likely because he doesn't want to come out.

Fastertimer · 14/06/2025 10:19

Sassybooklover · 13/06/2025 15:19

Straight men don't kiss other men, regardless if that man is a friend or is drunk, it's that simple. A bi-sexual man or a bi-curious man, very well might kiss a male friend. I would say that your husband is bi-curious at the very least, and at the worst is actually gay. You need a serious and honest conversation with him. He needs to be honest with you regarding his sexuality. He might say he's 100% straight, but that's simply not true or blame the alcohol. Plenty of straight men drink alcohol but they don't kiss other men, so that's rubbish. The alcohol has lowered his inhibitions, and he's done something he would never have the guts to do sober. He's clearly attracted to men, and must find his friend attractive enough to kiss him. You need answers. Don't try for another baby with him, until he's been honest and you know where you stand. Only you know if you could continue in a relationship with a man who's bi-sexual.

Why is different for straight women to claim their straight but kiss women? I’ve know a few women like this, and no it is not to get male attention, believe me l, but they claim they are straight? He may well be straight and it was just a drunken kiss l, he can even enjoy it as these ‘straight women I know claim to enjoy kissing a woman but still be married with kids, and predominately straight.

ChessorBuckaroo · 14/06/2025 10:20

girljulian · 14/06/2025 09:22

But why? I honestly don’t get it. It’s nothing to do with what he’s like when he’s in a relationship with a woman.

Show quote history

Think having a bi partner is more of an issue for women than men. Knowing your partner also fancies men, even if he is monogamous with you, is a turn off to those women who wouldn't want to be in a relationship with them. Possibly generalising here, but a woman kissing another woman doesn't detract from her femininity for (many) men, whereas a man kissing another man does detract from his masculinity for (many) women.

You cannot force someone to like what they like, or force them to change what turns them off. Usually its innate.

TheFormidableMrsC · 14/06/2025 10:23

This gets worse and worse. OP, you must know you can’t come back from this. I’m so sorry this has happened to you and your child, you deserve far more than being somebody’s beard. Seek legal advice and actually, I’d be asking him to stay away for now. The friend is an utter cunt and I agree he probably hates you.

TENSsion · 14/06/2025 10:23

It really looks likes he’s prioritising this man over you.

If I were you, I’d pack up and go to my family’s and start divorce proceedings.

Starlight7080 · 14/06/2025 10:23

So really he has been in a longterm relationship with this man . That never really finished . And they just kept it mostly secret .
It definitely sounds like he fully took part in a sexual relationship and probably still does.
Its awful that he has played it down and is now acting like its normal and you should just accept it.
Its like he wants the married life with wife and kids for everyone to see but also this secret gay relationship hidden like its something shameful.

Iamnotalemming · 14/06/2025 10:25

The level of deception here is massive.
At best, your DH is struggling with his sexuality and has been happy to experiment with a close friend. At worst, he has been using you and your DC to present as straight and still have his bit on the side.

In neither scenario is he prioritising you or your DC. And he is only confessing because he thinks he was going to be outed.

Christmasjoy · 14/06/2025 10:26

the fact he is suddenly off would indicate another involved. While the true nature of the friendship has only just come to light I wonder if it is actually another person and the friend is a red herring or they did sleep together recently and this is what is about to
come out and he is drip feeding you.

you need to speak to the girl he has mentioned.

also he has cheated multiple times, doesn’t matter man or woman, so it is up to you how you deal with that stay or leave.

if he doesn’t give up his “friend” you will never be able to relax if you do stay. If you say to him the only way you stay is he ditches the “friend” he will most likely end up resenting you.

I am sorry and say this in the kindest way, your relationship is over. He did this not you.

keep strong and reach out to friends and family for support.

rainbowstardrops · 14/06/2025 10:27

As a pp said, they’ve been hiding in plain sight.

At the very least, they’ve had drunken kisses and your husband knows his friend has feelings for him and at worst, he’s having a sexual affair.
Together with the fact that it looks as if they were partners at uni and I think you have your answer.

He’s been ‘off’ because he knows he was about to be outed by the woman who saw them kissing. You absolutely have to try and contact her.

Also, the fact that he’s dismissing your worries and has still buggered off to the gym, I’d be telling him to leave while you get your head around it all.

Sorry they’ve both been treating you like this.

Iamnotalemming · 14/06/2025 10:29

Just to add, please get a STI check. And I would say this regardless of whether it was a man or a woman he had been unfaithful with.

Daisymail · 14/06/2025 10:31

JFDIYOLO · 14/06/2025 09:58

Keep your copies very safe. You may need them purely to counter any attempts at gaslighting and minimising. At misleading friends. For your own sanity.

A prediction:

If you stay together, especially if you have more children with him, one day there WILL be an announcement.

'I can't live a lie any more, I have to be who I am, take my chance at happiness ' bla bla bla and off they'll go together, leaving you to pick up the family pieces.

And you'll be here asking what happened.

You have what you need.

All the evidence to make up your mind.

100% this.

Sprinclean · 14/06/2025 10:33

Yeah just as I suspected they’ve had sex, by his own admission - at the very least, oral sex. I really don’t think it matters whether he “reciprocated” or not. He was still engaged in oral sex! No straight men accepts blow jobs from men. Also he’s been deceptive about the nature of their relationship.

Aside from that the “I miss your mouth on me” text from his friend suggests he has actually given BJs but as I say it’s fairly irrelevant considering he’s definitely had them from his friend.

Next he’ll be telling you they had anal sex but as he was on top, it doesn’t mean he’s bi or attracted to his best mate 🙄 absolutely delusional. He needs to own this.

I still maintain, as I said upthread, that these gym visits are sex visits. They will be giving each other BJs if not more.

PullTheBricksDown · 14/06/2025 10:35

I wouldn't bother trying to contact the girl who saw them. You know enough. Tell him this is over because you and your child deserve better than to be bit players in his life. He should leave ASAP. Don't wait around playing 'pick me'.

I'm sorry this has happened and you clearly still love him. But he's behaved terribly. Rip the plaster off now and don't let him and his lover hurt and disrespect you any longer.