Found out DH kissed his best mate while drunk

[Alitea]

Feeling a bit wobbly so just posting to get this out and see what others think.

DH has been really off the past few weeks – short tempered, snappy over nothing, just not himself. I thought maybe work stress or he was tired (we’ve got a toddler and been TTC for a few months now), but it’s been bubbling under for a bit.

Last night I asked him straight out what was going on and he ended up admitting he’s kissed his best mate. Not once but a few times. Said it’s only ever been when they were drunk, but one of those times was on his stag do back in Jan, which I knew nothing about.

His best mate is bi and they’re very close. Always chatting privately, loads of inside jokes, texting each other constantly. He always makes little comments when we’re all together – stuff like “don’t be jealous” or joking about stealing DH away. I’ve always seen it as harmless banter and never thought anything of it.

DH says it’s just been silly, drunken stuff, never serious, doesn’t mean anything, nothing more than a kiss. But I feel completely thrown.

I wouldn’t be ok if he was kissing a woman mate while drunk, so why should this be any different? What’s rattling me most is that it’s happened more than once and I only know now cos I pushed. He’s clearly been carrying this and acting weird for weeks.

We’re trying for another baby and I’m sat here wondering what the hell is going on in my marriage. I feel a bit humiliated tbh.

Would this be a massive deal for you or would you let it go as drunk nonsense? I genuinely don’t know how to feel right now.

Can I just say, round of applause for the girlfriend who saw this behaviour and knew she had to help you find out the truth.

Lots of others would have kept silent.

Also the first admission is never the whole complete truth. I would lay good money on this having gone a whole lot further than kissing. And none of this is on you. It is all him and his actions and choices that have put you in this awful shitty position. You now have the power. Use it!

Ok so I’m going to give you a different response:

This is as much a problem as if he had been kissing a woman, absolutely - but do you or he want a loosely open relationship? Sometimes when I’m drunk I want to kiss other people but my partner is absolutely against open relationships so I don’t do it, and don’t put myself in those situations.

To work through this you need an honest conversation and expectations and desires.

On the TTC - do you want a sibling for your child? If you had no children yet I’d say hang fire but you already have one child with him so no matter what happens you’re connected. I’d consider having a second regardless.

Also- these days, gay men are no more likely to have STIs than heterosexual people. HIV is rising fastest in hetero patients just a little FYI - if your own DHs are shagging a woman on the side, get tested!

I think you meant to say it DOESN'T make one homophobic. At least I hope so.

I maintain it is pretty dramatic to say the mere thought of kissing someone you are not attracted to "sickens" you. Unless they have poor oral hygiene, in which case I get it.

But why? I honestly don’t get it. It’s nothing to do with what he’s like when he’s in a relationship with a woman.

To work through this you need an honest conversation and expectations and desires.

How is that possible with a partner who's been lying through his teeth and dismisses the OP's feelings? He's made his expectations and desires clear now, and also that he doesn't give a flying fuck about hers.

Unprotected anal sex is the highest risk behaviour for STIs for both partners.

https://sh24.org.uk/help-centre/can-you-catch-an-std-from-anal-sex

I would always wonder what kind of workout they were getting while at the 'gym'. Both a hugely disrespectful of you, and your husband is in denial and unfair to stay married to you.

I hope you take back your power in your own life.

I'm the same as miraxxx

It's an absolute deal breaker for me.

Morning all – thanks again to everyone who’s been following and replying. I didn’t sleep much last night, and he’s gone to the gym now so I’ve got a bit of headspace to update.

Last night we ended up having another talk and it got heavier than I expected. I asked directly if anything else had ever happened between them and he admitted that back at uni, his mate gave him blowjobs and handjobs. Said it wasn’t a regular thing and that he never touched him back – apparently it was just “getting each other off” when they were single and bored, no romantic feelings, just what they “needed to do”.

He was very matter-of-fact about it. Insisted he doesn’t fancy his mate, but when I asked if his mate fancies him, he went quiet and said “maybe”. Just like that.

After he went to sleep, I went back through all the messages. They go back to last summer. I took screenshots of the worst ones, just to keep some kind of record.

There were way more flirty comments than I expected. One from a few days before we got married said “last chance to run off with me, just say the word 😉”. DH just replied “lol shut up” – didn’t really shut it down. Another time, when I was away visiting family with our toddler, his mate messaged “peace and quiet at last, come round and let me spoil you”.

There were more old uni pics too – loads of them – one with them under a blanket on the sofa, his mate had captioned it “our honeymoon phase 😂”. DH replied “those were the days lol”.

I also found one message his mate sent drunk, a few weeks before the wedding, where he wrote “this should’ve been ours”. I don’t even know what that means exactly but it’s messed up and makes me feel completely humiliated.

Another message said “can’t believe she actually stole you from me”. Honestly, I feel sick just writing that.

There was even an explicit message – something like “can’t stop thinking about your mouth on me”. DH didn’t reply, but didn’t shut it down either. Just left it hanging.

Right now I’ve got no idea when I’ll even be able to bring this all up properly. I don’t want to blow up in front of DS and there’s no time we’re ever properly alone where it won’t turn into a full-blown row. I just feel trapped in it all.

Crumbs OP! Do you think he’s being truthful? How do you feel about the revelations? Hugs x

Bi people can be monogamous too 😂

This can't continue. He's basically got a wife and a bit on the side.

He has to choose. He needs to understand that he can't have you and this other person who he is so close to and also has a physical relationship with. He will say this is unfair and be unwilling to choose but that will tell you all you need to know about where you rank in his life.

You deserve better than this.

OP, you need to get your head around some things about your husband.

This relationship with his friend is more important than you to him, or he'd shut those messages down. And he is very likely bisexual, if not gay.

He's expecting you to accept all of this. You don't have to. Please don't let him take you for a fool any longer.

In my opinion his friend is totally in love with him. Your husband has been stringing him along for a decade - throwing him crumbs. Your husband keeps him dangling for the ego boost as much as the sexual thrill. I feel sorry for his friend.

How your husband has treated you is deplorable. I don’t know how you are still in the same house as him. He has lied to you from the day you met him. And been cheating on you for the entire time you have been together. I don’t know how there is any way you can come back from this. I would be incandescent with rage.

(And before I get accused of anything, I would say the exact same thing if the best friend was a female).

I reckon he wanted kids and youve been used as a womb. He hasnt even stood up for you when his friend insulted you.

Wow. Well.

I suspect your husband is in denial about the fact that this is homosexual behaviour; he’s always classified it in his mind as ‘lad stuff’ and that’s allowed him to think it isn’t really cheating or a problem. But it is. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.

Sidenote: how could you “let” your bff get you off all those times and not reciprocate? The pure selfishness is offputting.

This 💯

I also feel very sorry for the friend.

Your “D”H is a total shit. Deceiving both of you. Treating you both like his toys. Absolutely shocking.

As you have a child together I'd be trying urgently to find a relationship counsellor ..

Sorry op. It's horrible. It would be one thing of he acknowledged him as an old flame all along...but kissing on his stag do someone who is clearly besotted with him??

What a cunt the friend is as well

Why is anyone sorry for the friend ? He's been trying it on with his friend for years behind his partners back !!

Including at his stag do in front of other people !!

He's obviously bi.
But that doesn't explain why he's been off for the last few weeks.
If you read through many of the posts on the relationship board you will see when the H starts being "off", in almost all of the cases, he's got an alternative relationship on the go.
My take on it is as the other woman saw him, he is now in the position of having to cover his tracks, this is making him uncomfortable & it's your fault !!! having to decide if his marriage is basically a farce & come out, or, hide his feelings forever.

Do you know what bisexual means? It means you're attracted to people of both sexes. So you can be bi and be married to a woman or a man but still feel attraction to the other sex. Do you think bi people never have long-term relationships or get married?!

This 👆🏻
You need to prepare to leave him.
Be smart about it, but you can’t continue with this marriage.

This.

Oh OP, I feel for you. This is a relationship that neither of them are willing to give up, it sounds as though your husband’s ’friend’ is the more aggressive instigator, but your husband is willing to go along with it and is enjoying the attention and the intimacy they share. It’s a longstanding relationship/pattern and clearly something that has been happening throughout their friendship. I suspect your husband is uncomfortable with his true sexuality and has therefore enjoyed this side of himself whilst hiding behind the guise of a happily married heterosexual father. Be strong OP, follow your gut. I am so sorry that this is happening to you and your family.