Found out DH kissed his best mate while drunk

[Alitea]

Feeling a bit wobbly so just posting to get this out and see what others think.

DH has been really off the past few weeks – short tempered, snappy over nothing, just not himself. I thought maybe work stress or he was tired (we’ve got a toddler and been TTC for a few months now), but it’s been bubbling under for a bit.

Last night I asked him straight out what was going on and he ended up admitting he’s kissed his best mate. Not once but a few times. Said it’s only ever been when they were drunk, but one of those times was on his stag do back in Jan, which I knew nothing about.

His best mate is bi and they’re very close. Always chatting privately, loads of inside jokes, texting each other constantly. He always makes little comments when we’re all together – stuff like “don’t be jealous” or joking about stealing DH away. I’ve always seen it as harmless banter and never thought anything of it.

DH says it’s just been silly, drunken stuff, never serious, doesn’t mean anything, nothing more than a kiss. But I feel completely thrown.

I wouldn’t be ok if he was kissing a woman mate while drunk, so why should this be any different? What’s rattling me most is that it’s happened more than once and I only know now cos I pushed. He’s clearly been carrying this and acting weird for weeks.

We’re trying for another baby and I’m sat here wondering what the hell is going on in my marriage. I feel a bit humiliated tbh.

Would this be a massive deal for you or would you let it go as drunk nonsense? I genuinely don’t know how to feel right now.

As you've ttc then off for a full std check pronto.

Then bin him. He's been lying to you for a long time and by the sounds of it most of your social circle know.

And he is also massively disrespecting and gas lighting you. He showed you no consideration and did t even be discreet about this. I would have him gone for that alone and his total like of thought for your feelings. Make him leave

Obviously this girl seeing them has forced his hand. The fact he’s trying to down play it and not acknowledge it as a betrayal is actually worse in my eyes. He should offer to leave to give you thinking time to process what he’s done and decide what you want to do next. I’m sorry, it must be such a horrible time.

Your husband may be telling you the truth about the cheating, but he’s lying to himself about his feelings. He’s prioritising his relationship with his friend over you and your needs as a family. Whether he’s gay, bi, or desperate for attention is something he needs to work out with a therapist. But he isn’t prioritising you, and that is reason for you to separate. Best of luck OP.

He’s cheating on you, doesn’t matter who with. Don’t let your desire for another baby cloud your judgement.

The friend is trying to break up your family, he’s a nasty piece of shit. As is your gaslighting, lying, cheating husband.
They are making a mug of you, the girlfriend is a goody un, I assume her boyfriend is also disgusted by his mates behaviour, I bet he’s told her how they are at it every time your back is turned.

What's the actual difference between saying bi people don't exist and saying gay people don't exist? It's just more fucking prejudice.

So much this. He's cheating and very, very involved, it sounds like it's an open secret.

No one said they didn't exist. Stop making stuff up. See this is your problem-i stated that if you are sexually attracted to the same sex, by definition you are gay.

Well I’m not a lesbian and the thought of kissing another women DOES sicken me. The thought of kissing someone I’m not attracted to makes me recoil.

Seeing gay couples of either sex kiss DOES NOT sicken me.

It’s completely different and does make one homophobic.

straight men don’t kiss other men
bi sexual / gay men do
He’s cheating and gas lighting you and it’s only coming out because someone saw them and is going to tell you

if your happy to be with a liar and a chest crack on

Id be furious either way but if this kiss was staged in front of a drunken group, being cheered along, a dare or game as part of the stag do - like a challenge for the stag or something - id be incredibly angry and disappointed in him for going along with something so stupid, but I wouldn't react the same way as a private kiss.

If they're simply getting drunk and making out then there's no wiggle room here. He's cheated on you, multiple times. Disgusting behaviour and you should send him packing. I also doubt it's just a kiss if that's the case.

Sorry OP but I do think this is as serious as him kissing another woman.
it does sound like maybe he’s not completely straight (obv 100% fine) but not fair that he’s been acting on it behind your back.
men and women who are 100% straight and in monogamous relationships, don’t kiss anyone.
i think you need to have a long talk with DH, perhaps couples therapy. He also needs to distance himself from his best friend and tell him this will no longer happen

To be honest OP it does sound like he may well have gone further than kissing 😳 and even if it was just kissing that would be enough for me to leave. It's cheating plain and simple.

I would also get yourself tested for STIs. And have a serious think about where you go from here. If you don't want to talk to mutual friends, keep posting here for support 💐

The big difference for me between him kissing a woman or kissing a man is, even though I’d be furious and upset over him kissing a woman he’s still the straight man I married, if he kissed a man (on several occasions too) then he’s no longer the man I thought I’d married (straight), he’s got a hidden side I didn’t know about, a whole persona going on I’ve been unaware of all these years, which would seem like a double kick to stomach.

You need to get an STD test pronto

I’m not generally a superstitious person, but I be am a bit about weather. There’s so often a correlation. E.g. I remember we had 3 nights of electrical storms immediately before the Queen died.

They already have a child the mate is that child’s godfather

Sorry - phone seems to cause issues. Wrong thread.

I’m so sorry you’re in this position. Your DH is being awful and gaslighting you (I mean, it’s possibly also complete denial on his part too trying to convince himself that nothing is wrong). Kissing men and flirty texts about being in bed together are in no way “just laddish banter”. They clearly have feeling for each other and whether it’s a regular physical affair or whether it’s your DH in denial flirting and sharing the odd kiss I don’t know. But they clearly both want something to happen.
I’d be ending this relationship. Your DH has shown that his friend is more important than your relationship by saying that he won’t stop seeing him.

I reckon the other mates are sick of it too. They are probably pleased the girlfriend is going to tell you as they can’t, or they’ll be accused of breaking bro code.

Aww this is a lot for you to absorb isn’t it?! I’m sorry to hear this. He’s also clearly bi. I wonder if he’s got feelings for this guy. I also wonder if there’s been more than a kiss. I’d definitely stop trying for a baby. I’m glad he’s come clean. What does he want to do? What do you want to do more importantly? Big hug. X

Those messages make it sound as if it's gone further than kissing. What are they really doing at the gym?

Kissing openly where people can see, means they are getting quite brazen.

There's no way I would continue in this marriage. I couldn't be with a man who fancies men.

He's a cheater.

He's a liar.

And in the long run, he will leave anyway. Once the kids have grown and left home, and he's what, about 60 years old, he will feel as though :

"he's lived a lie for too long"

and will want to "live his authentic truth, by finding himself"

and he will label himself as "brave".

Just like that self serving twat Philip Schofield.

You either wait around for that shit show, or get out now and find someone else.

I'm so sorry. I know it sucks to be cheated on - my first H cheated with about 10 other women. Somehow a man would have felt worse. Because that means a lie about sexuality, which is unforgivable.

I'm sorry this is happening, but I would consider that cheating. And both him (for doing it) and his friend are completely vile and apparently have no respect for you at all. I particularly judge the friend. I would seriously consider getting out.