Found out DH kissed his best mate while drunk

[Alitea]

Feeling a bit wobbly so just posting to get this out and see what others think.

DH has been really off the past few weeks – short tempered, snappy over nothing, just not himself. I thought maybe work stress or he was tired (we’ve got a toddler and been TTC for a few months now), but it’s been bubbling under for a bit.

Last night I asked him straight out what was going on and he ended up admitting he’s kissed his best mate. Not once but a few times. Said it’s only ever been when they were drunk, but one of those times was on his stag do back in Jan, which I knew nothing about.

His best mate is bi and they’re very close. Always chatting privately, loads of inside jokes, texting each other constantly. He always makes little comments when we’re all together – stuff like “don’t be jealous” or joking about stealing DH away. I’ve always seen it as harmless banter and never thought anything of it.

DH says it’s just been silly, drunken stuff, never serious, doesn’t mean anything, nothing more than a kiss. But I feel completely thrown.

I wouldn’t be ok if he was kissing a woman mate while drunk, so why should this be any different? What’s rattling me most is that it’s happened more than once and I only know now cos I pushed. He’s clearly been carrying this and acting weird for weeks.

We’re trying for another baby and I’m sat here wondering what the hell is going on in my marriage. I feel a bit humiliated tbh.

Would this be a massive deal for you or would you let it go as drunk nonsense? I genuinely don’t know how to feel right now.

Biphobia in Pride month. How unoriginal 🙄

Imo when someone is this adamant to erase other sexualities, they doth protest a little too much.

Lmao biphobia. I'm not afraid of confused people. There is no phobia. Just straight facts. If you are sexually involved with the same sex you are homosexual-gay.

How original is it for someone who is of the opposing oppinion to jump to homophobia. Gaslighting. It's just science , no one said there was anything appaling about it. But yes jump on the defence. It's the easiest tactic :) Happy Pride

Yeah reply in two defensive paras, that will make it right 😏

Also, since you are so sure of how other people can only be what you want them to be, explain, with or without the help of 'science' (which I suppose is your nickname for religious bigotry) how I had emotionally and physically amazing relationships being with both genders since the 90s.

Don't do it here and derail OP's thread. Make your own thread, I am all ears and will respond there.

Because you are confused. FYI if you haven't read the tone of the reply, I don't wish for people to be confused- I simply state they are :)

No darling, you are the one who is confused and in denial - refusing to hear what a bisexual woman is telling you as her lived experience for some 40 odd years.

Using two paragraphs to discuss your two points-problem?

Clearly you are a bored troll (or a lonely one, which makes sense, with all that queerphobia and prejudices), so not engaging anymore here.

🤣 That was such an easy win. Were you looking in the mirror when you penned that? You don't know enough, that's OK. Maybe don't comment or assume people are homophonic untill you do.

It's just prejudice.

You don't need the "s".

He’s cheated and he’s bi and starting to experiment. This would absolutely break me, I am so sorry OP! I also don’t trust he has only kissed him. Liars and cheats often say the milder version of the truth so he can say he’s confessed when in reality he’s likely still lying.

Oh fucking hell OP he’s full on cheating with this friend. This is so awful!! No straight men don’t text each other saying I missed you in my bed last night. Only an affair partner would do that. PLEASE reach out to your friends and family in real life and let them know. Do not cover for this cheating bastard! He’s risking your sexual health, your emotional wellbeing etc. Your marriage won’t recover from this and I’m so so sorry! You’re right that the girl is the reason he’s told you. I feel sick for you as it means friends likely all know about it already and you’re the only one in the dark. Don’t keep his secrets and isolate yourself for him. If they are so bold to do it in front of people he’s full blown having an affair and his refusal to not see the guy again says it all. Get rid!!

Hes gay. Don't have another baby under any circumstances!

It is time to end this. This man is gay. Try to forgive him and end it amicably.

Oh bless you @Alitea

Dh is cheating. Dh is bi

get it hard to accept - you wouldn’t agree with this behaviour If a female so why would you with a man

its a deal breaker for me

he’s never going to give his mate up so you accept it and know dh is bi, will be drunk kissing mate and even sex or you split and divorce

how dare he just dismiss your feelings?? I don’t mind if my dh is bi (although he’s not so no real experience here) but I’d sure mind if he were off kissing and cuddling men just as much as if it were women. His friend definitely wants him, your dh likes him a lot and is at least a little interested sexually, enough to be actively dipping the toe in the water. That’s too much for me, and the lack of respect for how you feel is awful. This is the classic kind of story where 10 years and 3 kids later he leaves because ‘he can’t hide from himself any longer’

If you stay with him - and with him refusing to give this man and the ‘gym every week’ up then I think you will drive yourself mad.
Every time he goes you will be frantically worried - wondering what they are doing. This happens on a Saturday so your child/potential children will see you like this. They will pick up on the swirling emotions.
You will be second guessing everything, distracted and when husband comes home you will be looking for signs, clues and you will argue because you will NEVER get past this while he is still seeing his ‘friend’.
Every weekend will be ruined because he has for all intents & purpose chosen his ‘friend?lover? over you, your child and your marriage.
Trust me - it will eat away at you every single time he is with him.
I fear your marriage is doomed. This is not how you want to live your life and the atmosphere in which you raise your child,

If he wants to save your marriage he has at the very least got to give up this friend - but from his behaviour so far you and I know he isn’t going to do that. The fact he is going to the gym today tells you all you need to know - his decision is made,
You have to LTB for your own sanity.
Im so sorry for you.

Many straight women would be repulsed by their partners sleeping with other men. I would never date a bisexual myself, it is called having a strong sexual preference. Respect for sexual preferences goes both ways.

If he wants to save your marriage he has at the very least got to give up this friend - but from his behaviour so far you and I know he isn’t going to do that. The fact he is going to the gym today tells you all you need to know - his decision is made

This

OP I am so sorry for the completely understandable upset you going through. Bad enough it happened but your DH’s deflection and dismissal and repeated not validating makes it even worse.

To have done it on his stag do (when that was meant to be about both of you), few times more and only reason you know is because of girl code and a lass who seen it threatening to tell you - all suggest he’s made his choice.

If as he says it was just drunken banter… do wonder why the mate’s girlfriend threatening to tell. Must have been something in that kiss that she thought this is not ok. His Wife deserves to know.

Also unreal he’s had the audacity to treat you poorly last wee bit.

He's only admitted to just kissing because that is what he was caught doing. He was moody because they were finally caught. It sounds like the friend is his boyfriend, there are feelings there. He wasn't willing to miss a single meet up with the guy for you, it's not just a drunken kiss. He's a lying cheat.

He isnt bi though is his ? He's married (& to a woman) & wants to do whatever he likes with whoever he likes

Either way this marriage is just a mask for him & his preference right now is men so why should he be protected from "homophobia" when he can't protect his wife from his "non-cheating"

It may be harmless fun for them to kiss each other while drunk, as you say a “tease”, in front of men. But it’s not harmless. It’s bad enough that men think lesbians are there to be watched for their pleasure. It would be great if your friends had an iota of awareness that they are feeding the sexualisation of lesbians. Being harassed by men when they realise my wife and I are a couple isn’t harmless.

He is cheating. If you would not tolerate it if it were a woman he was kissing the. This is equally wrong. Stop trying to have a baby with him. Do you really believe it was non sexual? If they were drinking….
Do you believe he is telling the truth? Even if you forgive him you will not trust him around this person again so if he had to chose would he chose you and stop seeing the friend or not?
bottom line he is a cheat and a liar and would not have told you if you hadn’t asked. I would ask him to leave u til he prepared to be honest about his feelings and sexuality and take it from there but even if he chooses you now would you trust him or always have that niggling thought he might do it again in the bank of your mind? That’s no way to live and why when you did nothing wrong should you have to live like that?