Found out DH kissed his best mate while drunk

[Alitea]

Feeling a bit wobbly so just posting to get this out and see what others think.

DH has been really off the past few weeks – short tempered, snappy over nothing, just not himself. I thought maybe work stress or he was tired (we’ve got a toddler and been TTC for a few months now), but it’s been bubbling under for a bit.

Last night I asked him straight out what was going on and he ended up admitting he’s kissed his best mate. Not once but a few times. Said it’s only ever been when they were drunk, but one of those times was on his stag do back in Jan, which I knew nothing about.

His best mate is bi and they’re very close. Always chatting privately, loads of inside jokes, texting each other constantly. He always makes little comments when we’re all together – stuff like “don’t be jealous” or joking about stealing DH away. I’ve always seen it as harmless banter and never thought anything of it.

DH says it’s just been silly, drunken stuff, never serious, doesn’t mean anything, nothing more than a kiss. But I feel completely thrown.

I wouldn’t be ok if he was kissing a woman mate while drunk, so why should this be any different? What’s rattling me most is that it’s happened more than once and I only know now cos I pushed. He’s clearly been carrying this and acting weird for weeks.

We’re trying for another baby and I’m sat here wondering what the hell is going on in my marriage. I feel a bit humiliated tbh.

Would this be a massive deal for you or would you let it go as drunk nonsense? I genuinely don’t know how to feel right now.

Bluntly you are the ‘other woman’. I have a friend like this, married a woman but we all know he is bi and who his partner is - he actually loves them both. If she ever found out she would be slightly surprised - but I guess she knows and enjoys the life they have and accepts he shags his ‘best mate’ when they go away.

I think for your own sanity and self esteem you need to leave, and I don’t say that lightly. Your husband is clearly gay/bi, and leading up to a full blown relationship with his ‘friend’, if it isn’t already. If you don’t, and you manage to smooth things over, I expect you will find yourself in the same position sooner or later.
Sending all my best wishes to you, you will get through this and find happiness again.

I think it's a problem that your husband is not prepared to make any changes to his friendship, despite the fact that his behaviour is damaging his marriage. Is his recent distance from you because he was concerned about the kissing or because he was worried about someone telling you? I don't see how you can continue as you are, definitely halt TTC.

Just to point out here how everyone has fallen into the bisexual double standard. If a man is gay, but does one or two things with a woman, and then decides he’s not interested in tha any more, that’s fine, everyone will be fine to carry on with him being gay. But if a straight man does it then ohhhh boy there’s hell to pay, he’s gay, bisexual at best and no one will ever let him back in to straight club. Do what you have to do, you’re an adult, but don’t pidgeonhole the man.

If you're only attracted to the opposite sex and would never be interested in kissing someone the same sex that doesn't mean the idea of it is horrifying. Why is the thought of a having a gay kiss horrifying to a straight person? Icky, gross, maybe, horrifying no, unless you've got some homophobia/biphobia going on

How often do they go out together for this to have happened a few times? Something may have changed if he's suddenly a bit moody. It sounds to me like he is a bit curious. I wouldn't be bringing another child in to that, at all.

This!! Also, OP, just on that thought - go get yourself tested at a clinic. Yes I know, humiliating! but if your husband has done anything else with his flirty friend who is no doubt flirty with others, you never know.

Did I read that right, that he even kissed him during his own stag night? He’s been cheating on you for years OP, and his friends are obviously all in on it.

The idea of other people having same sex kisses isn’t horrifying at all. The idea of me having one is, because I don’t fancy women. Nothing wrong with that.

Straight men don't kiss other men repeatedly.

It doesn’t sound like it’s just a jokey peck and straight men are usually unlikely to kiss their friends than women are (whether that’s right or wrong). It’s highly unlikely a woman would be shocked enough to threaten to tell his wife if this was a peck.

He has lied all this time and has only told you this now because he has to. Just imagine what he isn’t telling you. He wouldn’t need to admit anything other than a kiss if that’s all someone saw.
This is awful for you but you can and will get through it.

My dh doesn’t kiss friends. It's cheating. The fact your dh won't disassociate with his friend says that his friend is more important to him than you are.

Ah what a lying, gaslighting piece of shit. So sorry OP, you’re absolutely not a mug and shouldn’t feel humiliated. You’re a normal person who takes their commitment seriously and doesn’t automatically assume someone she loves is a liar. He’s got serious baggage and issues that existed long before you and will remain long after you.

His reaction, the regular flirtiness and lack of self control to kiss in front of friends makes me think he’s gay, not bi. If he was bi and confident and open where all his friends know and it’s in public - he’d have been honest with you years ago that he was bi. It feels like he’s using you as a beard as not confident coming out as gay. This has obviously been going on for years and I’m sure they have slept together. He’s only told you as the gf was planning to and she’d know if it was a jokey peck or full on tongues and groping. Speak to her but even if you don’t, you have all the information you need to decide how to proceed.

Not only has he cheated, he’s done it numerous times and continues the flirty conversations and meet ups. Additionally, it’s his best friend and he’s lied about his sexuality and also his friendship. Finally, he’s manipulating you by saying it isn’t a big deal and won’t stop seeing him - he’s more afraid of losing his friend than you. If he’s still ttc a child with you, it’s to compete the illusion of being a straight, family man.

I think the writing is on the wall with this one OP. You deserve a marriage you can trust with a person who respects you and is honest and reliable.

I'm sorry, love.

Your husband is bi / gay.

He was already in a close relationship with his friend for a long time when you got together.

They spend loads of time together without you.

They've kissed and exchange flirty suggestive remarks and notes.

This guy makes little digs at you.

He's in if not a physical relationship, a very entwined relationship with this man who wants you to know it.

Copy everything you can find. You may need it when the 'you're crazy, you're imagining things' narrative starts.

You have several things to consider. If they are having secret sex, they may be taking risks that could be dangerous to your health and any future baby's. I'd suggest taking an STI test.

And if so, this is just as much cheating as if it was with a woman.

If they aren't (yet) they're probably in a romantic relationship. His thoughts and feelings are for this man, not for you.

Bringing a baby into this won't heal, change or improve anything. You'll be the note of responsibility, the duty, the 'you've changed, you're no fun any more', this guy will be the secret fun times they always were. The contrast will be more stark.

Why on earth are you TTC at this time. Close up shop and go on the pill. This is red flag central. Why do you want children with a cheater. Bizarre.

That is hardly the biggest issue here, is it?

The op is being cheated on but god forbid she pigeonhole her cheating husband.

I’m not sure about this one. If it was a quick kiss like he said rather than a Frenchie, I am not sure I would make a thing of it. Some men are like that - especially those rugby/football types.

However, I wonder why he felt the need to confess to you if there was nothing it. I also wonder exactly what type of workout they are doing at the gym.

he’s probably told you a more palatable version of the truth to see your reaction before divulging more.

i would be getting an std test asap.

closeted or not (the closet is glass!) your husband finds men sexually attractive and he has deceived you, it is more than likely he isn’t telling you the full story and i imagine this has been going on for longer than you’d like to imagine.

this must be extremely difficult for you to get your head around and it is cruel of your husband to put you in this position, as he will have known this about himself for a long time but instead of communicating with you he has decided to throw your emotions to the wayside to avoid being honest with you.

Bi female here. No, lots of married women friends do not kiss each other, even when drunk. Concept of loyalty, fidelity and morality are the same, whether you are straight, bi, asexual, whatever (unless in a consensual poly or open r'ship). You don't kiss others when you are committed to one. End of. And to keep a close 'friend' on the side with whom you have regular flirtatious banter on text and possibly in person too... dishonest and disrespectful.

OP, sorry you are going through this. Your husband is bi/bicurious or gay (because if your sex life is unsatisfying or even just 'ok', it's possible he's more into men) and if that's something you don't want to accept or live with (which is entirely valid), and if he also is not being honest with you (closeted people rarely are), you have some tough decisions to make. Absolutely yes, stop TTC for now, until you arrive at those decisions.

Divorce. He’s done more than kiss this other man. The texts are disrespectful and so is going to the gym with him when you’ve made it clear you’re uncomfortable. Time to go

You could spend years hand-wringing over whether it was a peck for a laugh (really?) or whether you should be a cool wife to your husband’s potential bi-ness, but none of that matters if he has lied, shrugged off, minimised, and refused to reassure you. Honestly? I think he’s in a gay relationship with his friend. I think he’s also in a marriage to you. And he’s saying it’s no big deal, but it is - to you. If you find ANY of it unacceptable, which I would, you are perfectly within your rights to say ‘this is not what I signed up for, this is not a relationship that brings me the exclusivity, safety and comfort that I want.’

Lads don't do that. Men don't do that. Your DH is bi and fancies his mate.

Please don't be silly, every person in the world is more comfortable with two woman than two men kissing. You know this it's not even remotely of the same or similar impact. Due to societal norms. You please grow up.