Found out DH kissed his best mate while drunk

[Alitea]

Feeling a bit wobbly so just posting to get this out and see what others think.

DH has been really off the past few weeks – short tempered, snappy over nothing, just not himself. I thought maybe work stress or he was tired (we’ve got a toddler and been TTC for a few months now), but it’s been bubbling under for a bit.

Last night I asked him straight out what was going on and he ended up admitting he’s kissed his best mate. Not once but a few times. Said it’s only ever been when they were drunk, but one of those times was on his stag do back in Jan, which I knew nothing about.

His best mate is bi and they’re very close. Always chatting privately, loads of inside jokes, texting each other constantly. He always makes little comments when we’re all together – stuff like “don’t be jealous” or joking about stealing DH away. I’ve always seen it as harmless banter and never thought anything of it.

DH says it’s just been silly, drunken stuff, never serious, doesn’t mean anything, nothing more than a kiss. But I feel completely thrown.

I wouldn’t be ok if he was kissing a woman mate while drunk, so why should this be any different? What’s rattling me most is that it’s happened more than once and I only know now cos I pushed. He’s clearly been carrying this and acting weird for weeks.

We’re trying for another baby and I’m sat here wondering what the hell is going on in my marriage. I feel a bit humiliated tbh.

Would this be a massive deal for you or would you let it go as drunk nonsense? I genuinely don’t know how to feel right now.

Agree, and also, he’s known DH for longer so who knows what kind of a relationship they had previously

If it’s just laddish behaviour and happened lots of times before and they are openly doing it in front of friends and there is nothing to it then why haven’t they done it in front of you too! Because they know it’s bloody wrong. I’m so sorry op but he is having an affair with the “friend” and i don’t think it’s only kissing either.

I would be telling him he can go to the gym all he likes now as he is now a single man, there is no coming back from this

His mistress has a willy.
I'm repeating myself, sorry.
There's 3 people in your marriage.
He's cheating.
He's having an affair.
You are not paranoid.
He is a cunt.
Get your ducks in a row.
Bin him off.

We’re trying for another baby

He's making a fucking fool of you. There's a good chance he's settled with a woman to get his normative, hetero dream whilst he continues his dalliances with men behind your back, whatever that looks like. There's not way he's straight. I feel for you OP.

I think my concern would be that in the not to distant future, your DH realises he’s gay and leaves you for a man (the friend or someone else) - that he’s been denying his true sexuality all his life and he married a woman to convince himself that he was straight. Sorry to be blunt, but I have two close friends (male) and another couple of acquaintances I can of off the top of my head who did this - were engaged or married to women and had families with them, to later admit to themselves that they were in fact gay and in denial all along.
Also I think if two guy friends snogged as a joke on a night out, it would be like a joke that the group shared, not a secretive thing that they didn’t want to get out and that has made your DH change his behaviour over recent weeks in fear of you finding out.
I’m sorry OP, this is a very difficult situation for you to have to deal with. And I’m sorry to say, that I only see heartbreak for you down the line. Sorry to be blunt.

He is choosing his friend over you even though he knows how upset you are. That's the pits.

His friend is bang out of order. Terrible behaviour. Your DH wouldn't have kissed him if he had no feelings for him would he? Sorry you're going through this.

He's treating you like a fucking idiot, yous are clearly not in a relationship he just needs you to not look desperate to his mate as it's all 'free & easy" for them but really how could they continue this relationship if they were single & doing it ? They'd clearly be more the friends & that scares one of them so you fill the spot.

These people have been laughing at you for years & I imagine things were said not just seen hence the girlfriend threatening to tell you -

Sounds like the bf is aggressively pursuing your H and he’s not doing enough to put a stop to it. Grim.

This. Please don't fall into the "pick me" dance, the "chose me, I'll make you happier, I'll change to be what you want" etc.

I'm also concerned that you are talking about approaching the (git) friend and the girl who witnessed this - if you can't get the truth from your partner, or trust what your partner is telling you, then I'm afraid that is the end of your relationship. Your are relying on other people to tell you the truth rather than the person you should trust more than anyone else in the World.

It doesn’t matter if he is bi. You are supposedly in a monogamous relationship. Except you are not, as he is having an affair with his best mate. He spends time with him, texts him, gives his energy to their relationship and snogs him in full view of others. Up to you but i don’t share and wouldn’t be into an open relationship. He can’t be the one to decide your relationship is one of a thruple without full disclosure and you agreeing to that. You haven’t agreed to be in a thruple. I’d be done.

Need advice. I have had an extremely hard 2 years, my best friend took her own life 2 years ago, my sister took her own life 9 years ago, I care for her children. My marriage broke down after 14 years. I caught him cheating throughout but tried to make it work. It got extremely physical, volatile etc. Just not the person I married. I didn't even recognise ise this man anymore. Anyway I'm currently getting divorced-thats fun. We have a beautiful wee boy and daughter together and he has applied to the court for contact. This has never been an issue as I have always facilitated contact as I feel it's important for our children. This year was my first year away from him and I booked a holiday for myself and the kids. However he wouldn't sign the consent form for the holiday. He did initially but then when the passport office rang he said he didn't give his consent. Now the kids can't go because I have to resubmit a consent form and it will take weeks. We are due to fly in 4 days. I've done everything humanly possible to try and resolve this issue. Police, solicitors, welfare, politicians. Everything tk try and get the passports but it's not happening. Now my kids who I have fought tooth and nail to provide for on my own and treat to a beautiful holiday are not going to get.

I can't change the dates, I will have to pay 2000 to cancel and the only thing I can do is to use travel insurance to claim back money for no shows.

My mum thinks I need the break just because I haven't done anything for myself in a long time and I should go with a friend while she watches the kids. However I feel like such a horrible mum not being able to take the kids when that was the whole point.of the holiday.

Do I go and get some well needed headspace and reset or do I stay and just let the money go to waste. I'm soo torn :( and I feel soo selfish for even thinking about going without them. But I know I'd be a better person and mum if I had a bit of a break

Sorry, OP. That sucks. He's cheated and that's awful.

But the homophobia on this thread and awful - "straight men would be horrified at the thought of kissing another man." etc etc. I'm a straight woman and I'm not horrified at the thought of two women kissing. Grow the eff up.

Leave him because he cheated, not because he's bi. Do people realise bi people have relationships too?

You need to start your own thread.

Ah that all sounds difficult.

I assume you meant to start your own thread @Opinionated9Pinny just as an fyi you’ve posted in someone else’s thread!

Perhaps ask Mn to delete this and you can repost in relationships or AIBU?

He's a bastard.
First there is the cheating.
But then there's the gaslighting too, telling you it doesn't mean anything, even though it does....he's cheating and also clearly he's not straight. He also did it on his stag do. He's also kissing him in front of people and doesn't seem to care who knows and only told you because someone else was going to. Also in the immediate aftermath of the reveal he's still carrying on as normal with him.

And that's the part that you know, God knows what else he's been up to.

I know you’re going through the motions, OP, and it’s easy to say this from the side lines.. but what is the point in getting I touch with the girl that saw them?! It’s completely irrelevant. He’s cheating on you. Do yourself a favour.

I feel like it’s the fact he’s acting off ever since, and has also put it down to that when you confronted him. If they’d just kissed joking around on a night out surely it wouldn’t make him act off/weird, it seems like there’s more to it.

@Alitea a similar thing happened to a friend. All very open minded then her husband went off and had an affair with his best friend. They are married now. Previously my friend would have said he was straight!

Nothing to add but that I’m so sorry op. You don’t deserve this.

I'm so sorry - He has repeatedly cheated on you and with someone he knows very well. It does mean something! If him being at least bi and having an open relationship is something you can accept you have a future with him but he should have shared this with you before it didn't just happen.

I think the two issues are separate. If he had a previous relationship with the friend and never told the OP, then yes, that's bad. If he didn't, and he's only just now realising he might be bi, he hasn't lied.

None of this affects the fact that he's definitely cheated and that's what OP needs to deal with.

I've read your updates - screenshot everything and leave. You deserve better than this!

This reminds me so much of 'Mr Loverman', except that he was 74 and married over fifty years before he came out and his poor wife got to know. He had been in love with his 'best friend', and friend with him, since they were teenage boys at school.