Found out DH kissed his best mate while drunk

[Alitea]

Feeling a bit wobbly so just posting to get this out and see what others think.

DH has been really off the past few weeks – short tempered, snappy over nothing, just not himself. I thought maybe work stress or he was tired (we’ve got a toddler and been TTC for a few months now), but it’s been bubbling under for a bit.

Last night I asked him straight out what was going on and he ended up admitting he’s kissed his best mate. Not once but a few times. Said it’s only ever been when they were drunk, but one of those times was on his stag do back in Jan, which I knew nothing about.

His best mate is bi and they’re very close. Always chatting privately, loads of inside jokes, texting each other constantly. He always makes little comments when we’re all together – stuff like “don’t be jealous” or joking about stealing DH away. I’ve always seen it as harmless banter and never thought anything of it.

DH says it’s just been silly, drunken stuff, never serious, doesn’t mean anything, nothing more than a kiss. But I feel completely thrown.

I wouldn’t be ok if he was kissing a woman mate while drunk, so why should this be any different? What’s rattling me most is that it’s happened more than once and I only know now cos I pushed. He’s clearly been carrying this and acting weird for weeks.

We’re trying for another baby and I’m sat here wondering what the hell is going on in my marriage. I feel a bit humiliated tbh.

Would this be a massive deal for you or would you let it go as drunk nonsense? I genuinely don’t know how to feel right now.

Given your most recent update, you need to stop questioning yourself and wondering. You have it in black and white. There is no other explanation for any of this.

The insistence that he’s still going to the gym with this guy is classic gaslighting. You’re supposed to think “if he was having an affair, surely there’s no way he’d still go to the gym with him. He’d be keeping a low profile, spending time with me. Maybe I’ve got it all wrong”. Hiding in plain sight and making you doubt yourself while acting offended and upset that you’d even consider such a thing. Suddenly you’re the mental, unreasonable, unhinged one.

I’d throw him out tonight, to be honest.

This is how people end up running off with their friends as lovers, it all starts like this. The friend is disrespectful even kissing him knowing he is “straight” and has a partner.

why is it acceptable for two women to kiss and not two men?

Good, old fashioned misogyny.

It's a standard male fantasy so it's viewed as OK.

That said, every woman I've ever known who has done that has done it either in front of men or bragged about it in front of them.

They have done it purely for male attention.

It's not up to you, or any of us, to tell OP what she should or should not put up with in her own relationship.

If mine did it he'd be out the door in a feckin second, I can tell you that much.

If you were all teenagers then possibly I could see it as that. Drunken experimenting. But even then it would still be cheating.

For a grown married man who's got a small kid and is TTC, to try and pass off sexual contact with another man on more than one occasion as 'drunk nonsense' wouldn't wash with me.

He's clearly into men to an extent as has been unfaithful several times, that he's admitted to. You should get tested as he could've done more than kissing.

I would want him to go NC with this 'mate' and vow to never cheat again, and seek counselling. And I'd put TTC on hold indefinitely. That's if I didn't just kick him out as he would deserve it if you did.

His friend is being hugely disrespectful of you (they both are) and he allows it. I don't like how he dismisses you and doesn't discuss it properly. I would probably dump him, not just for the kissing but how he's handling it. Sorry op.

I thin taling to the other lady is a good idea, sounds lie she might have your back.

I think your dh likes the attention and I believe he’s only come clean about it all as he’s been caught.

If he had any remorse then he would be putting his family first and telling this friend that the flirty messages etc need to stop. He would be putting distance between them and focussing on you. He’s refusing to do any of that, I understand this is a long and close friendship but it’s crossed the friendship line.

Sorry you're going through this.

But you're his beard.

I'd be thinking that it's not all that he's kissing this bloke, but how he's treating you now. He's not letting you express your feelings, he's trying to down play it and make you feel you're over reacting. Stop trying to conceive immediately, pray you're not pregnant and decide if you can live with knowing every time he goes to the gym and the pub he'll be kissing his long time friend/love.

He's cheated on you and trying to gaslight you now.

He's in two relationships here, OP. And it sounds very much like if it came to it, he'd choose the BF.

Don't make yourself an option, remove yourself until he's shown you that your marriage is worth him fighting for.

Time to get your ducks in a row as they say.
Stop trying to reason with him. He's shown you who he is. You need to find a sensible friend/family member and work out a way forward.
He's disgusting. A cheeky so and so too, the way he is talking to you.
Go silent on him and work Ur exit strategy.
So sorry.

So he's cheated on you with another man?
He's clearly a gay man and is struggling with this.
Please get out of the relationship now, it sounds toxic and not good for anyone.

@Alitea you must be feeling completely blindsided but his reaction is a big problem here - he’s invalidating your feelings and response. Even if it is ‘just’ a friendly peck (unlikely ofcourse but hopefully the gf will fill you in), those messages are hugely disrespectful- the whole tone and content is highly inappropriate even if only taken at face value.

You know this is cheating; it’s a very clear red line he’s crossed. He’s either in denial himself or he’s lying to you. Either way, you need to take back some power here and make him listen up;
He might not think it’s serious, but you do and he can minimise to his hearts content but it doesn’t mean you have to.

Tell him that TTC is now on pause and you are now questioning your whole relationship. Then suggest he goes and stays elsewhere. If he won’t go, then can you got and stay with family / at a hotel - but leave him with your DC so he gets a taste of solo parenting when he wants to be at the ‘gym’ tomorrow.

You need space to process this and he needs to understand how serious it is.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

How are you, OP? I just can’t imagine how far this would have gone if it hadn’t have been for friends girlfriend. But I suspect it’s gone further than what he has admitted to.

Did you check his texts from around the time of the stag? They might have had a post kissing discussion which might give you a better understanding of what happened

“Horrify them” is an interesting phrase. Hmm. This just smacks of homophobia. If you’re secure in your sexuality, you’re not horrified (or repulsed as someone else said) at the thought of kissing the opposite sex - you just aren’t interested in it as you don’t have sexual attraction.

I really hope you get to the bottom of things.

I’m sorry @Alitea - the more you update the more it sounds like your husband is at the very least Bi.

Sorry if this question is TMI, but has he ever suggested you do anything to him in terms of the ‘back door’ - pegging etc? That’s often a sign.

From those messages, it sounds like the best friend really, reallyvwants more, and your DH is unsure but not not interested... He's certainly not setting him straight. None of it is good. The only way I would consider moving forward with him is if he never saw his best friend again, but realistically... I think the relationship would be over for me. I'm so sorry.

Also, his best mate is a fucking snake for trying to steal your husband and the father of your child. Absolutely appalling behaviour.

This is such a weird take. Why wouldn't it be so bad if it was a woman? It's still cheating. And why couldn't you be with someone bi?

Really? That's pretty odd and unusual.
I have only ever had two definitely straight female friends do this on one occasion, when we were around age 19 on a night out, with alcohol involved, to shock some lads. None of my married with children, now much older friends do this, ever.

I'm so sorry, OP - your head must be spinning. It's pretty clear from your updates that his hand has been forced into telling you. The fact that this girl said you should know really does imply it wasn't just a peck. I think I'd want the full story if it were me in the same situation.

@Alitea ive read all your posts and I think you contacting the girl is a good place to start. Take a good friend with you when you go to meet her and organise childcare for the day so you have some breathing space.

having read your updates, I reckon they’ve got history from before you knew him.. the photo at uni maybe around that time.. sending you a huge hug because this is a massive shock and you have every reason to feel betrayed and he has absolutely broken the trust. Don’t let him talk you away from your instincts- it’s pretty clear from the small parts you’ve shared here in your posts that this is a huge deal; even to him! He is clearly terrified of anything coming to light or having to face it; but the fact he won’t stop seeing this mate is insanity. Sending you a hug from afar and lots of strength. If this ends your marriage remember that he was never in it in the way you were promised or in the way you deserved. xox

I get what @GinnyandGeorgia is saying... it's changes them as a person, if he is bi it means he's been keeping a secret from his wife for their entire relationship, been lying to her about his sexual preferences as well as cheating on her. It's a lot!

I know what has happened with you kissing my husband a few times. I hope you realise you've just destroyed a marriage with an innocent child involved. If you have any decency and compassion, you will end your friendship and refuse to contact my husband again, and allow us to rebuild our marriage. There is a family with an innocent child at stake here. Please do the right thing.

Complete waste of time. The husband and friend want to do each other - and maybe they're already doing it. Why would any woman want to be with a man like that?