Found out DH kissed his best mate while drunk

[Alitea]

Feeling a bit wobbly so just posting to get this out and see what others think.

DH has been really off the past few weeks – short tempered, snappy over nothing, just not himself. I thought maybe work stress or he was tired (we’ve got a toddler and been TTC for a few months now), but it’s been bubbling under for a bit.

Last night I asked him straight out what was going on and he ended up admitting he’s kissed his best mate. Not once but a few times. Said it’s only ever been when they were drunk, but one of those times was on his stag do back in Jan, which I knew nothing about.

His best mate is bi and they’re very close. Always chatting privately, loads of inside jokes, texting each other constantly. He always makes little comments when we’re all together – stuff like “don’t be jealous” or joking about stealing DH away. I’ve always seen it as harmless banter and never thought anything of it.

DH says it’s just been silly, drunken stuff, never serious, doesn’t mean anything, nothing more than a kiss. But I feel completely thrown.

I wouldn’t be ok if he was kissing a woman mate while drunk, so why should this be any different? What’s rattling me most is that it’s happened more than once and I only know now cos I pushed. He’s clearly been carrying this and acting weird for weeks.

We’re trying for another baby and I’m sat here wondering what the hell is going on in my marriage. I feel a bit humiliated tbh.

Would this be a massive deal for you or would you let it go as drunk nonsense? I genuinely don’t know how to feel right now.

Another update – sorry if I’m oversharing but I honestly don’t know who else to talk to. My family all live hours away and most of my friends are the same as his or their partners, so it’s hard to know who I can even properly open up to without it getting awkward. I just feel completely alone in this.

I ended up checking his messages. He left his phone on the side while he went for a shower and I couldn’t help myself. I know I shouldn’t have but I needed to know if I was being paranoid.

There were loads of messages from his mate – full of in-jokes and what I’d now call flirty comments. One of them said, “bet she doesn’t make you sweat like I do 😉”. Another one from a few days after the last time they were out said, “missed you in my bed last night 😂”. DH replied with something like “you wish” and a laugh emoji but it just didn’t sit right at all. That’s not how most straight blokes talk, especially if it’s all meant to be “just jokes”.

His mate had also sent him a picture from when they were at uni – the two of them with arms round each other, looking really close. Obviously it’s old and from before I knew DH, but seeing it now with everything else going on just made my stomach turn.

I do believe he’s genuinely going to the gym – he always comes back sweaty and knackered – but now I’m wondering what’s actually going on between them when they’re there alone.

I’m going to try and get in touch with that girl who saw them kiss – the one who was out with them last time. I don’t know her personally but I’ve seen her tagged in photos so I reckon I can find her online.

Sorry you're going through this OP. I was cheated on for years and I think you should get out of this relationship now. His issues around his sexuality shouldn't muddy the waters. His problem. Move on with your life. You deserve much better!

This must be awful for you.

Those messages don’t sound like he is having a full blown affair. But clearly is friend is absolutely desperate for him, and your DH is enjoying flirting with him and kissing him. It sounds like your husband is in complete denial about his sexuality and his feelings for his friend.

Only you can decide what you want to do. Can you live with knowing that your DH is going to continue to have a relationship with this man, including the flirting or kissing? I couldn’t, but also wouldn’t blame a woman for turning a blind eye when she has a child and other responsibilities to think about.

Or if you can’t live like this, then you need to start thinking about leaving him.

For what it’s worth, I think you should do the latter. You’re married to a gay man.

Your dh is not hetero. If your marriage/you can't sustain that you need to separate - now.
Do it quick, clean and amicably. It allows everyone to keep their dignity before more secrets destroy you both.

His friend sees you as his competitor, and your husband reciprocates, even if they don't have a full blown sexual relationship, they're kissing in plain sight - and your husband isn't prepared to give him up, or provide you with a full explanation.

This is awful for you, I really do think for your own sanity, your husband needs to leave the home and find somewhere else to stay.

Your DH has cheated on you. You have proof. He's admitted to it. The fact that he's gay is another horrible layer on top of that. There is no coming back from this.

Save yourself the effort - stop digging, don't contact the girl, and start preparing for divorce. See a solicitor and get your ducks in a row.

Wow.
He doesn't sound remorseful at all.
Wanting to completely dismiss it and dismiss your feelings shows how little value he might have for you.
Or he is so full of himself he doesn't think you would ever leave/kick him out.

Until your updates, I was thinking his friend was being a total dick and essentially taking advantage of him whilst he's drunk, and keeping him stringing along with such a close friendship right infront of your face.

Sounds like they deserve each other.

Men do not repeatedly snog other men if they’re straight. He’s either gay or bisexual.

I would see this as no different from him snogging a woman. It’s cheating, as far as I’m concerned. I’d have no problem with my partner being bisexual but it’s not somehow acceptable to kiss someone on nights out, regardless of gender.

So he told you about the kiss because he was going to be outed. But that’s all he admitted to. Even though the messages about ‘Missed you in my bed last night’ suggest there have been times when he was in bed with him.

He’s massively downplaying it because it’s a man and he refuses to admit (probably even to himself) that he is attracted to men. Therefore in his head making it ok.

All of this. Excellent advice.

Based on those messages, your "D"H is enjoying the attention, not as confused as I gave him the benefit of the doubt for based on first post!

Definitely get tested, you don’t know how far DH has gone behind your back

Did you screenshot the messages @Alitea ? I wouldn’t let on you’ve snooped as it’ll drive this further underground and you might want to keep a weather eye on it - particularly after he’s been to the gym tomorrow.

The messages are inappropriate and flirty, and it sound like his mate is pushing - but he’s not really shutting it down. If this were a female, would you feel comfortable with that exchange?

What’s your gut telling you?

Lots of my (female ) friends kiss each other whilst drunk, it’s just harmless fun for them.
They also shower together and get changed in front of each other…yet are still straight and if their partners knew about it (which they do) they wouldn’t bat an eye lid.

why is it acceptable for two women to kiss and not two men? The two women kissing are seen as a tease, a bit of harmless fun, yet when two men do it suddenly they are gay….?!

edited - not seen TET , messages put a different spin on it!

Yep he's only told you because he was going to be outed. I wouldn't trust him one bit.

Get out because you're never going to feel secure.

Really?

Ermm that's very unusual. Only women I know who kiss other women are bi or gay.

Maybe a friendly peck but not proper kissing.

I would get your ducks in a row, then separate, I’d want to do it rather than wait for him to eventually leave. it’s an impossible situation to live with. Your H loves the attention and even the flirty messages, he won’t even consider ending his friendship, this man is more important to him than you and your child.

I had friends that used to do it, but it was a case of "it doesn't completely gross me out, and look at the reaction we get from guys".

And that still wouldn't be ok for a married man!

I i'm so sorry. Mainly by the way he's treating you and taking you for a fool. Just know it isn't you he has been the fraud.

I guess the question is would you be happy to be married to a bisexual man and will you be able to trust him when he's out with his mater ever again?

The repeated kissing would be enough for me. It's not flippant. It wasn't an accident. When drunk, his inhibitions are reduced and he has repeatedly made out with his friend. This suggests he is at least bi-curious and, either way, he's cheated, IMO.

There is absolutely no way I'd be trying to conceive in your situation, in fact, he'd be gone.

You need to take some time to think about what you're willing to put up with in a relationship, OP.

I would let him go, his mate can have him. Don't bring another child into the mix. The trust has been broken , you can't spend the rest of your life investigating and snooping around. You'll forever be on edge

Never have I ever

Oh OP.

The messages really do sound like there’s been more than just a kiss. I would tell DH that if he really wants this relationship to carry on he’s to never ever see him or talk to him again, but tbh if my DH had kissed someone he’d be out either way.

in my eyes the relationship would be over anyway so I’d be messaging the friends gf and the guy in question and ask for the whole truth. Nothing to lose!

This with knobs on.
You really need to speak to her. I've read all your comments & my gut feeling is he's minimising and deflecting.