Found out DH kissed his best mate while drunk

[Alitea]

Feeling a bit wobbly so just posting to get this out and see what others think.

DH has been really off the past few weeks – short tempered, snappy over nothing, just not himself. I thought maybe work stress or he was tired (we’ve got a toddler and been TTC for a few months now), but it’s been bubbling under for a bit.

Last night I asked him straight out what was going on and he ended up admitting he’s kissed his best mate. Not once but a few times. Said it’s only ever been when they were drunk, but one of those times was on his stag do back in Jan, which I knew nothing about.

His best mate is bi and they’re very close. Always chatting privately, loads of inside jokes, texting each other constantly. He always makes little comments when we’re all together – stuff like “don’t be jealous” or joking about stealing DH away. I’ve always seen it as harmless banter and never thought anything of it.

DH says it’s just been silly, drunken stuff, never serious, doesn’t mean anything, nothing more than a kiss. But I feel completely thrown.

I wouldn’t be ok if he was kissing a woman mate while drunk, so why should this be any different? What’s rattling me most is that it’s happened more than once and I only know now cos I pushed. He’s clearly been carrying this and acting weird for weeks.

We’re trying for another baby and I’m sat here wondering what the hell is going on in my marriage. I feel a bit humiliated tbh.

Would this be a massive deal for you or would you let it go as drunk nonsense? I genuinely don’t know how to feel right now.

It might be 'pointless' to contact the mate, but I don't think so. I think the mate needs to know what he has done to his mate's marriage. And yes, it's both at fault, but his mate should be made to feel guilty too.

Hmm I’d say he is gay or bi and therefore has cheated on you. It sounds like he’s super confused hence his behavior

@Alitea I'm sorry to say i don't think there's anything laddish about this like he's trying to play off.

I don't know a single straight man that would kiss their friend other than potentially a drunk peck on the cheek goodbye. Most wouldn't even consider kissing their friend.

The fact that they've done it in front of other friends including a girlfriend suggests that they're very comfortable doing this and it's a fairly common thing, otherwise their mutual friends would be horrified to witness it.

He can try dress it up however he likes but it's cheating, I'm sure he wouldn't be happy if you were to go out and kiss a random guy in a pub a few times while drunk, his kissing his best friend who he is very close to is worse than a one off kiss with a stranger, there's an intimate nature to it.

Personally I wouldn't be surprised if he's minimising and only admitted to what he thinks he's going to be able to get away with.

Massive red flag that he won't consider ending contact with the person he's cheated on you with, essentially he puts his friend above his wife and family.

I'm so sorry he's done this to you and I'd caution you not to let him minimise this and make you think you're wrong to feel uncomfortable, angry or upset about this. Your feelings are valid.

Do not have another baby with him !

I am sorry but I would not be surprised if he leaves you one day for another man.

I also wouldn't be surprised if he comes out as gay one day, and your marriage and child were just a cover for him being straight until he came out.

Not that sort of kiss anyway. Maybe a sloppy kiss on the forehead in celebration of something, and that’s just a laugh.

I would certainly count this as cheating. It does very much sound like he is gay or bi. But many gay and bi people manage not to cheat. That isn't why he's cheating. He is cheating because he is a cheat. Being gay or bi merely meant that it is a man with whom he is choosing to cheat, not a woman. I am really sorry, but I cannot see how your marriage can survive this, given that he is clearly putting his relationship with his "friend" over his marriage.

I’m finding myself being so angry for you op. How dare he brush this off. How would he feel if you kissed a work colleague on a night out, or someone you met at a hobby and then reacted the way your dh is.

I can hear it now, ‘don’t worry dh, I kissed Bob at my cooking class, but it doesn’t matter because we’re just friends.’

‘Don’t be silly dh, of course I’m still going to my cooking class and sharing recepies with Bob, we’re friends’

‘oh yes, dh, I kissed Bob just before we got married, don’t know why you’re so upset, we’re just mates’

‘I’m telling you now because Mary saw us, and she’s threatening to tell you, thought I’d get in there first and let you know you shouldn’t be upset because we’ve been friends for years’

You need to speak to this mates girlfriend she will tell you the truth, theres a few things, hes been unfaithful, is he gay or bi and hes also disrespecting you and one day things will go further,

I think I’d kick his arse out, or take myself off to a hotel for a few nights and confide in friends and family that my dh has been caught kissing someone. Wonder if his mates or family think it’s ok because it’s a friend.

Haven't read the full thread - wanted to answer with my first thoughts before anyone sways them.

Regardless of gender/sexuality: Once can be a drunken mistake. (That doesn't mean I think it would be ok)

Twice, that's when it isn't just a drunken mistake and the time comes to distance himself from the friend to make sure it doesn't happen again because either he a) needs space to work out feelings about his marriage or b) his friend is getting him drunk and taking advantage so isn't actually a friend anyway.

A few times? That's a choice now and he's actively cheating on you. I'd be done. And it's not because it's with another man.

Obviously in this case he does also need to figure out his own sexuality. This might be new and confusing feelings to him, which would add to the behaviours change but doesn't excuse cheating.

I was wondering, if it’s happened a few times and means so little, why he has been so unsettled by it that you e noticed. It could be that the friend threatened to tell you and speaking to her might be helpful if you can. It could also be because feelings or activity have escalated in some way. He won’t admit that if he doesn’t have to.
I found out my ex was bi 25 years into our marriage when I found evidence he’d been using gay hook up sites. We’ve been separated a year and to this day he denies he had any intention of hooking up and says he has never and has no interest in having sex with a man. He does agree he’s bi though - go figure.
im really sorry you’re going through this but it’s not looking good.

They are having an affair in plain sight op.

Your definition of love is very different to mine in that case.

And the mind fuck delusions others play in their own mind to trick themselves is entirely their own business until that drags other people unknowingly into their mess.

It's the removal of someone else's agency of their own life.

His stags was at the beginning of this year. He was cheating before they got married with some one he integrated in their family while others in their social circle knew.

How he feels, confused, conflicted or otherwise is his shit to deal with. He has now made it his wife's and his child's.

@Alitea I would contact the girlfriend what ever she knows spooked him enough to speak up but the likelihood of it being the full truth is pretty low.

It is pointless, because his mate will know full well but obviously doesn’t give a shit.

He’s been joking and making comments to the OP for years about “stealing him”. He won’t feel guilty in the slightest.

You have absolutely not been “a mug”. You married a man you believed was heterosexual, because that is what he told and showed you.
The fact that he isn’t? That’s on him. His choice, his need, his want.
Perhaps he didn’t consciously know that he was bi (because Christ knows, some men can compartmentalise like it’s an Olympic sport!) but now you know? You need to do what’s best for you.

He’s clearly gay or bi and he’s been cheating for months. LTB!

As a female i've been in relationships and been single for very long periods of time, never once considered snogging any of my female friends , no matter how drunk we were. You're probably the same so why repeat ' a mistake' and why the hangover feeling from it if it's a non event.

You poor thing. As many other posters have said, he's clearly bi or gay and there is a high chance that the two of them are sleeping together.
His behaviour in addition to the cheating is also totally unacceptable. He's minimising it and gaslighting you, saying that it isn't a big deal and telling you how you should feel about this.
Unfortunately, you are at risk of STIs from your husband's cheating and likely need to leave him as this will carry on and he clearly doesn't even see a problem.

I think you know deep down what is going on. Even though it's a male friend, it's no different than if it was a female friend.

AIDS test asap
no sex with him with out a condom

Nah, fuck that OP. They are taking the absolute piss out of you. How many other times has it happened where people have seen them? Who else knows , when you had no idea. I bet it's a long standing joke between their group, meanwhile you are TTC with this bloke! They are out of order.

Have now read from your last update @Alitea

His attitude towards your feelings about this situation and the fact he's not even willing to skip one gym session to show you how important you are to him.... He's got to go. Whether they're in a relationship or not, he's shown you that you are not his priority.

He’s cheating on you. The fact that it’s a man is relevant but not to the fact it’s still cheating regardless if who it’s with.
He’s then turning it on you that it’s not a big deal, you are making a fuss of nothing. He’s not even apologetic or trying to help/fix the situation. He’s going to keep on doing it.
You only know about it because someone else threatened to tell you. Now you know he doesn’t even need to worry about being caught.

So it was nothing, just a peck...but a mates gf is telling him to tell you or she will, and it's been on his mind enough to affect his behaviour. Doesn't add up at all. He has been having sexual contact with another person and is now trying to gaslight you and minimise his betrayal. Sorry OP

What a disgusting man to try and gaslight you about this.

He absolutely only told you because he had to, but to act like this instead of coming to you and humbly apologising is cruel.

This man is not acting in any way like he loves you. He just wants to have his cake and eat it too.

If I had a crystal ball I reckon him and this friend will end up together in their 50's after years of "just being laddish friends".

Get out now before this man steals your youth and your mental health. He would rather gaslight you than give a shit about how you might be feeling. He is a dirty cheat and it makes zero difference the sex of the person.