Found out DH kissed his best mate while drunk

[Alitea]

Feeling a bit wobbly so just posting to get this out and see what others think.

DH has been really off the past few weeks – short tempered, snappy over nothing, just not himself. I thought maybe work stress or he was tired (we’ve got a toddler and been TTC for a few months now), but it’s been bubbling under for a bit.

Last night I asked him straight out what was going on and he ended up admitting he’s kissed his best mate. Not once but a few times. Said it’s only ever been when they were drunk, but one of those times was on his stag do back in Jan, which I knew nothing about.

His best mate is bi and they’re very close. Always chatting privately, loads of inside jokes, texting each other constantly. He always makes little comments when we’re all together – stuff like “don’t be jealous” or joking about stealing DH away. I’ve always seen it as harmless banter and never thought anything of it.

DH says it’s just been silly, drunken stuff, never serious, doesn’t mean anything, nothing more than a kiss. But I feel completely thrown.

I wouldn’t be ok if he was kissing a woman mate while drunk, so why should this be any different? What’s rattling me most is that it’s happened more than once and I only know now cos I pushed. He’s clearly been carrying this and acting weird for weeks.

We’re trying for another baby and I’m sat here wondering what the hell is going on in my marriage. I feel a bit humiliated tbh.

Would this be a massive deal for you or would you let it go as drunk nonsense? I genuinely don’t know how to feel right now.

Further, yes, I would contact his mate. I'd say something like this:

I know what has happened with you kissing my husband a few times. I hope you realise you've just destroyed a marriage with an innocent child involved. If you have any decency and compassion, you will end your friendship and refuse to contact my husband again, and allow us to rebuild our marriage. There is a family with an innocent child at stake here. Please do the right thing.

I don't believe they stopped at kissing. He's minimised that so that in his head it meant nothing. Was he sharing a room with his friend when they were on the stag do?

id question his friends girlfriend and ask what she saw. if it was a drunken kiss like a random peck that wasn't anything to worry about why would she be threatening to tell you? she must have seen more.

something dodgy is going on OP. i could probably forgive a peck at most when both drunk, but it sounds like its a common thing happening between them. also hate how he has put his friend above your feelings of discomfort about the situation by continuing to see him 🙄 I'd get myself tested for STD's and wouldn't be having sex with him for now. sending you a hug 💐

Maybe get a sti test aswell just incase.

OP you need try and get the full story from this woman. She may know than what he’s telling you.

Your update makes me think that as I said upthread, he is definitely one of those closeted men using the gym as an excuse to have sex with men - in this case his friend.

I won’t even say you need to tell him to choose been the two of you because I feel he’s gay and cheating and therefore you need to leave asap - unless you’re ok with that?

Sadly I also don’t think he will choose you even if you did decide to stay on the condition that he ends this friendship.

yep, this too.

I’d try and contact this other woman and see what she says. Your DH has probably only told you to get in first because he wants to make it sound less than it is. The fact that he’s disregarding your feelings and is still going to the gym with this guy would suggest there’s much more to it than just friendship and some kind of joke kiss.

I have a friend this happened too. I feel sorry for everyone involved, including the reluctant gay. It’s easy to say, he should come out, but even in this day and age it’s easier said than done.

OP if he can be honest you might salvage a friendship, but you can’t stay married. X

Try to get in touch with the woman - she's on your side.

My first immediate concern would be the question of history. I would be very surprised if they haven’t done this before, at uni. So I would be wondering how long there have been feelings between them.

He has cheated on you regardless of the gender of the person involved.

How would that help though? Let’s say this friend said “ok I’ll leave him alone” .

The fact still remains her husband is clear that he doesn’t want to give up his “friendship”. Do you think he’ll just say okay bye to his “friend” if he says he needs to break up because his wife contacted him.

HE needs to choose her at minimum. He can’t be forced into being with her by cutting out his other options.

And even if he did “choose her”, do you think Op wants to remain in a marriage with a cheat who may not even be straight?

He is deceptive and dishonest, so if it’s not this guy surely it will be another male? Is Op going to text all the males she finds out about and tell them to back off? It’s not practical or sustainable solution the long term.

It’s also humiliating for OP knowing he won’t choose her and walk away, and she has to beg a third party to show “decency”.

The fact that his friend's girlfriend is threatening to tell you would make me think:
a) that is the only reason he has come out with it. So she doesn't get to you first!
b) he's downplaying it and doesn't want her to tell you what actually happened.

Can you contact her?

@Alitea Please know this: you deserve honesty, respect, and to feel safe in your relationship. The way he’s dismissing your feelings, gaslighting the situation, and continuing the friendship like nothing’s happened is not okay, specially when you’re TTC and have a toddler to care for.

If it were me? I’d change the locks. Pack him a bag — pants, T-shirts, toothbrush, passport. He can figure the rest out on his own.

You are not a mug. You’re a woman who’s been lied to, kept in the dark, and made to feel small in her own home. You’re stronger than you think, and you deserve better than this mess.

Sending strength. 💙

There's definitely more that gone on. Regardless he's told you your feelings aren't important and he'll carry on as normal- in my book the relationship is over. He'd be out tonight if he thought so little if me and divorce is were I'd be looking.

Sorry op I don't see how you can move past this especially knowing how little he cares about your feelings. If he goes to the gym, tell him to not bother coming back as he's made his choice.

So sorry OP this is a terrible situation.

As soon as you said they met at Uni that sealed the deal for me.

I’d bet good money on they had a relationship at uni. Sounds like neither has gotten over it and either they’re still having sex or are desperate to get back to it.

Your DH needs to choose between you and the friend. Literally I’d be saying either you never see him again or we’re done right now.

To be honest I think it’d be over for me anyway due to the lack of respect already shown in not understanding why you might want him to skip the ‘gym’ tomorrow.

The idea of stopping TTC is a gut punch but I know a few of you are probably right.

What do you mean "probably"???! OF course people are right!! Stop TTC

If a man is forced to admit something, then 100% he has done more. Please, please open your eyes. He is a cheat and it is far more than kissing

I’m so sorry OP, this must be such an absolute headf**k to be dealing with.
it does sound like he has been cheating on you to some degree (the sex of who he snogs is irrelevant, IMO, to whether or not it’s cheating. It’s cheating whoever you snog).

however I would say there is some pretty overt homophobia on this thread from people saying that he has been “using you” and doesn’t care about you or your child.
That’s a horrible accusation. Even if it turns out he is gay and was closeted, that doesn’t bloody mean he doesn’t love his child, or you - albeit not as you want or deserve to be loved.

it sounds to me that the has been desperately confused, and suppressing things. That doesn’t make it one bit easier for you and my heart goes out to you, but I seriously doubt that he has callously gone about “using you” as a deliberate act. I don’t think viewing it that way helps you either tbh.

much love to you, something similar happened to me many years ago and in a much less fraught circumstance (no kids etc) and I ended up actually feeling sorry for him. I realise that is a lot easier to say for me with years of hindsight though x

Nope it is really simple want to stay in the closet. Stay in it and single.

Yes I have an uncle I suspect is gay. He had all the single women circling him at church back in his 40s. He has stayed single his whole life as far as I know.

OP I very very rarely comment with LTB on threads, but in this case I don't think you have an option. Not only does he kiss his mate when he's drunk, he tried to hide it from you and only mentioned it upon being threatened with exposure. There is 100% more to this, if they've kissed openly in front of people just imagine what has gone on behind closed doors.

Straight men don't tend to go around kissing their mates and it is cheating! There is no way I'd be able to come back from this.

If life were so simple. You can love someone and believe it’s what you want.

This would be pointless.

It’s the husband who should be wanting to end the friendship.

It’s the husband who should be wanting to cut all contact with his friend.

It’s the husband who clearly doesn’t give a fuck about his marriage.

Seems to me like the husband wants to carry on the friendship, stay in the closet and in denial and disrespect his wife and family.

@Localres I don’t know what comments you’re referring to exactly but of course if someone cheats on their partner long term, and continues to try and deceive them , some people will reasonably deduce they don’t care about their spouse much . I don’t know that it’s homophobia?

I’d say the same if a man cheated with his female bestie multiple times and insisted
on continuing to hang out with her even after he’s admitted to kissing her.

I can’t say I know what he feels towards OP, but it’s disturbing and very telling he’s prioritising his friendship over his marriage. He may feel some affection towards her as they’ve spent many years together, but I definitely don’t think she’s the most important person in his life anyway or he’s deeply in love with her unfortunately.

I would leave him. It’s no different to kissing a woman.

Im so sorry this happened to you.

I had an ex who had similar “banter” with a friend and I ended it after finding weird messages between them. I just couldn’t shake the nagging feeling. You’re 100% right - you wouldn’t know if the threat to tell you hadn’t happened.

This relationship is untenable. He’s cheated on you repeatedly and wants to keep seeing the person he’s cheated on you with. This is beyond fucked up. You need to walk away. There is honestly no recovery from this.