Why on EARTH do men do this? Online dating.

[Winniebagelton]

Separated from my husband 18 months ago after 16 years together. It was a very difficult time and I truly thought I’d never want to find love again.
However about a month ago, after a couple of glasses of wine a friend convinced me to try a dating site and I did! And more or less straight away I matched with someone I liked the look of. The conversation absolutely flowed and we soon took it off app, swapping numbers. Due to work, childcare and me being away for half term we were texting/voice noting for nearly 3 weeks before we met which I guess fostered a false sense of intimacy because I felt when we met that I already knew him quite well. First date was great, a walk and a coffee with a peck on the lips at the end. The second date was even better. We went to a pub and had drinks and chatted all night and had a proper kiss at the end. He was saying all the right things and frequently mentioning future things. The date was Sat night, he messaged me when he got home saying what a great night and that he’d message in the morning. Yesterday…. Crickets. So I messaged him asking how his day was… no reply. Then I looked again last night and realised he’d blocked me! This was on WhatsApp so I can now see that it hadn’t delivered and I can’t see his profile pic!
Obviously, it was a couple of dates. I’m not going to cry myself to sleep over it but I will admit it’s stung a little and I don’t know why I’m so bothered about it. I think it feels really cruel to just ghost and block someone without giving a reason and I guess I’m just feeling horribly rejected. Plus, all the weeks chatting away and really getting to know one another feel like such a bloody waste of time!
Why would a man do that? I know he could’ve just been after a shag and ditched when he didn’t get it but he totally didn’t give off that vibe so I’m annoyed I miss read the situation so badly. Is this just a part of the online dating world?! From speaking to a friend she says it happens quite a lot?

*misread

Could be any number of reasons.
there are some serial players on there.
he could be married , working away and does this for entertainment whenever he visits a new area and then blocks . Who knows. Won’t be the first time he’s done it I’d bet my house on that .

Sadly this isn’t unusual. Try to meet more quickly so you don’t get invested in someone you don’t know yet. It feels crap but it’s not about you, it’s him. Block him back. But don’t let this stop you trying again if you want to. It’s a numbers game so you’ll likely go on a fair few dates before finding someone decent. Remember a lot will be the ones that women have thrown back, for good reason. It’s not you, it’s them.

It’s one of the shitty parts of modern dating. I’ve always politely ended things by text if I change my mind about someone after a date or two. I’ve been ghosted by someone I thought I had a real connection with and it was briefly upsetting. It’s disrespectful and immature, but please believe me when I say this, it says more about the person who does the ghosting than the person who’s ghosted. They may unblock you down the line when they’re feeling lonely. Don’t fall for it. No matter what bullshit excuse they give you. Don’t give them the opportunity to treat you badly twice.

I know and realistically I keep telling myself that but the rejection hurts.
The thing is also, he gave me his instagram and even told me to check out his business instagram so he wasn’t cagey about anything and it all seemed to tally up with what he was saying. I
didn’t get any vibes anything was amiss and now I’m kicking myself.
We even had the conversation about what we would do if we didn’t feel a connection in person and both agreed a simple ‘lovely meeting you but didn’t feel a connection’ text is best. A text of some description at the very least but to just block has left me a bit shocked. Not a great introduction into the online dating world!

Men are cowards. Block him back before he comes back with an excuse because they always do.

It’s really crap. I just don’t understand what goes on in their heads. I’d much prefer to receive a message telling me they weren’t feeling it than just be blocked!

It’s hurtful isn’t it. I spent last week messaging with a man who seemed perfectly nice, lots in common. We arranged to meet this evening and had a loose plan ie after work in city centre, and when I messaged him today and suggested a location and specific time…..nothing

keep your chin up, plenty more fish in the sea!

Totally this. He could’ve made up a load of crap to save face if he wanted….. too busy with kids, work etc but at least it would have been something. Instead he initiated, he was very forthcoming on the dates, said all the right things and then just blocked. Leaving me over thinking every little thing as to why he felt he had no option but to block me!

Don’t over think it.
The vetting process that is dating has done its work. He’s a knob and not for you —anyone—.

Keeping getting out there real life or online. The best way to meet a bloke is to have a gillzion female friends. Not only do theyget you out, they also know available men in their circles.

I think after hearing so many horror stories from friends, I was quite pleased it seemed to be going so well!
I just don’t know what the point is in spouting all the bullshit, he MUST have had a sense on the Saturday night he was going to block me. So why even talk about a third date. Mind boggling.

So many wankers like this online.

As a straight woman, I’ve only ever dated men, but I’m 99% certain that women don’t treat men this way. So many men are socially inept and immature. As a pp has said, they’ve been thrown back by another woman for a reason.

The good thing is he showed his true colours early. So at least he has saved you time in the long run. There was a recent post about a woman whose bf showed his true colours after 16 months and a planned holiday with their respective kids.

It’s also good to learn the technique. Arrange a date after exchanging a few messages- don’t get drawn in to long texting.

But yes @Winniebagelton it is mind boggling.

I will never understand them

Agree with everything you’ve said. I’m glad that he’s shown who he is now and not further down the line. I guess I feel a bit embarrassed because my intuition (which I always thought was quite good) was so off! I went to sleep on Saturday thinking what a great guy.

Also, absolutely won’t be doing the weeks of texting again. I feel like he’s wasted so much of my time.

I’ve been through the same thing recently and it’s savage! I think it’s a game to some of them.

Some men are excellent at hiding the “just want a shag” vibe, when in fact all they want is a shag.

But the thing is, if we’d have done date 3 like he’d suggested, he might have got a shag 😂

I'd say sadly that you need to prepare for this to be a common occurance.
I've been OLD a long time now and find sometimes you get ghosted before the date and other times after it. I have even had this happen to people I have met in the "real world".
I think men forget that as grown ups all it takes is a simple "I'm not interested". It's not hard, but most don't seem to have the balls ironically.

It’s probable that he didn’t feel any chemistry when you kissed but rather than just admitting that he has ghosted you. This is online dating for you!

I am sorry and it is upsetting when someone does this but evict him from your head. I have done my time online dating and got the badge. I also fell for texting for days / weeks before a first meet up- don’t bother with that and arrange a meeting as soon as you can-if they can’t meet for weeks then they must be juggling lots of other dates/ women- make a first meeting a quick coffee or walk so you invest too much time. Remember it
is not a first date but a first meeting to see if you want to meet up again. Also everything they say is false until proven otherwise and take everything with a pinch of salt .
If they behave weird, it is so them and not you.
I did online dating for about 3/4 years and had a few flings/ a serious relationship and some weird and very nice encounters. BUT also met my DP and we live together now so don’t lose hope!

I expect he is married/in a relationship and she’s onto him or has been caught out - hence the sudden blocking. A surprising number of men play the field even where they’re attached (even the “nice” ones!) - I expect at least half of “ghosters” are already attached, which is why they disappear so suddenly even if it seems things are going well.

Women do it too, have had good dates then... silence!!

I think many people dont like to say the obvious and these days it is easier to just ghost. I do think that women are more likely to say it isn't going to work but some will just ghost.

It happens, but dont let it put you off

Sorry you've experienced this. It could be for any number of reasons. Maybe he met somebody else who he clicked with more, maybe he was only looking for sex, maybe he's married and his wife found his dating profile, etc.

I myself am guilty of ghosting - I loathe confrontation, I have a very conflict-avoidant personality, and ceasing contact often feels less scary than explaining to a man that I'm rejecting him, because I don't know what his reaction will be.

Yep sadly it's very common! I usually just think wanker and then move on but a couple of times perimenopause has gotten ahold of me and I've text them as they always seem to forget to block for calls/normal text when they block you on WhatsApp lol I asked why have you blocked me/ghosted me and both replied with some utter bullshit about its not you it's me, I'm taking a break from dating to work on myself 🤦🏼‍♀️ I then responded maybe you should work on being a grown up and using your words instead of being a cowardly twat! Then I blocked them 😂 yes absolutely should've just walked away with my head held high but peri was in charge 🤷🏼‍♀️
Take it as a lesson learned, arrange a date fairly quickly so you dont fall victim to the false intimacy of texting loads and remember OLD is a numbers game

It’s not just men who do this!
Completely understand about feeling you know someone after a while talking and messaging every day - but some people (men and women) do this with multiple OLD matches until they decide which one - or ones - they actually want, then they ghost the rest. I’m afraid it doesn’t do to be thin skinned.