Why on EARTH do men do this? Online dating.

[Winniebagelton]

Separated from my husband 18 months ago after 16 years together. It was a very difficult time and I truly thought I’d never want to find love again.
However about a month ago, after a couple of glasses of wine a friend convinced me to try a dating site and I did! And more or less straight away I matched with someone I liked the look of. The conversation absolutely flowed and we soon took it off app, swapping numbers. Due to work, childcare and me being away for half term we were texting/voice noting for nearly 3 weeks before we met which I guess fostered a false sense of intimacy because I felt when we met that I already knew him quite well. First date was great, a walk and a coffee with a peck on the lips at the end. The second date was even better. We went to a pub and had drinks and chatted all night and had a proper kiss at the end. He was saying all the right things and frequently mentioning future things. The date was Sat night, he messaged me when he got home saying what a great night and that he’d message in the morning. Yesterday…. Crickets. So I messaged him asking how his day was… no reply. Then I looked again last night and realised he’d blocked me! This was on WhatsApp so I can now see that it hadn’t delivered and I can’t see his profile pic!
Obviously, it was a couple of dates. I’m not going to cry myself to sleep over it but I will admit it’s stung a little and I don’t know why I’m so bothered about it. I think it feels really cruel to just ghost and block someone without giving a reason and I guess I’m just feeling horribly rejected. Plus, all the weeks chatting away and really getting to know one another feel like such a bloody waste of time!
Why would a man do that? I know he could’ve just been after a shag and ditched when he didn’t get it but he totally didn’t give off that vibe so I’m annoyed I miss read the situation so badly. Is this just a part of the online dating world?! From speaking to a friend she says it happens quite a lot?

I’ve done a lot of OD. Eventually I just decided, to protect myself, that all men were shits until they proved otherwise. I didn’t invest anything except an hour meeting them for a coffee - I didn’t chat much beforehand, didn’t allow any ‘morning’ or ‘how was your day’ nonsense - didn’t reply for ages to messages if it got to WhatsApp stage etc.

When I eventually met my now partner it took a long time for me to believe he was a good un but eventually he proved he was.

Online dating is brutal and I’m sorry you had this experience with a shit man but it’s not a bad thing, it’ll toughen you up faster and you can now create boundaries to protect yourself. No prolonged chatting, no emotional investment, quick initial date etc etc.

I had the same thing happen to me on Saturday! To do OLD you have to develop a seriously thick skin and never assume anyone is who they say they are until you've met them (in public, in a safe place). It's a "throw away" culture, so the slightest hint of something they don't like means you get discarded and they're swiping right on the next one.

The guy who blanked me on Saturday told me he swipes right on 20-30 women out of every 100, so if he's typical then they have a lot of irons in the fire. (I swipe on 1 or 2 out of 100, so I guess I'm very picky but I still manage to treated like crap).

How does this excuse fly in the age of text? You don't need to even experience his reaction - just type a message saying " I've decided I'd rather not take this any further. I've had a lovely time, all the best", send, and block. You could even save a template so it would be a case of two or three clicks then done. I think you're just making excuses for a pretty awful way to treat people (not applicable if the guy has actually been abusive ofc).

Men are only interested in sex maybe you didn't give it up quick enough. I'm not being harsh but maybe I've only met or know really awful men but that's my take on it.

He has done it before. I think he realised it won’t be easy to get what he wants after using his usual template of love bombing. You may have higher standards than he expected, so he decided to cut his losses. Men want an easy access to sex with a minimal effort. Older men have no desire to invest as they don’t have any emotional bandwidth left. Nothing wrong with you, it’s just a current dating landscape. A bit brutal

It's entirely possible he didn't feel a spark on the kiss and is dealing with it in a cowardly way. It doesn't mean he just wants sex, or he must be married, or he's a player, or he's trying to hurt you, or anything like that.

Unfortunately as many posters have said, you need an extremely thick skin for OLD and it's really hard not to take things like this personally, but the reality of it is that it's a pure numbers game and both men and women these days are very process-driven and methodical about it a lot of the time. Hopefully things work out better with the next one!

I definitely don’t have thick skin, I know I’m over sensitive! So I guess I just have to weigh up how important meeting someone else is to me because I wouldn’t want to tear down my own self worth in the process.

I’m sorry OP. Online dating is horrible. There is no particular explanation other than he isn’t a very nice person. Men just take the path of least resistance. You sound lovely and that prick does not deserve you, or any more of your headspace.

Why do you think women don’t do this?

Read up on attachment theory. Secure people will tend to pair off early in life. Insecure people are the ones left (or more likely to break up).

So if you’re dating later in life you’re bound to come across a high number of anxious, avoidant or fearful avoidant people.

I did 3 years of online dating and it’s brutal/frustrating lots of the time. Met my now DH though so it was worth it. @Lolopolohas pretty much summed up what I would advice. You just cannot take anything men say seriously until they prove you they mean it. Even with my DH I just concentrated on the date and then if he asked me out again concentrated on that date. I didn’t let my interest/feelings about him come to picture at all until we were well into dating. I just concentrated on observing how he was treating me and if he was being consistent. Only once were dating on weekly basis for the first few months I let myself start feeling something and start looking at us as a couple.

Yeah it’s weird, if they want sex then just wait a bit longer, they’ve already made lots of effort. Though it’s better they ghost before sex than after

He met someone else.

This happened to me. We were chatting a lot on the phone. Only one date though. And then silence.

I thorn saw on FB and LinkedIn his stunning new gf. Fair enough! But he could have just said so.

It affects you when you're ghosted. I mean rejection is bad enough but it's normal. Not to even have a quick chat about it makes you question your worth. For a bit anyway.

Sounds like a really good approach.

That’s me screwed then haha.

Very sensible advice. (Which I need to take).

Thanks for all your advice. Definitely given me lots to think about if/when I do continue with OLD. The thing is I was really enjoying that new/flirty feeling when you start talking to someone so I do feel I’m ready to meet someone, I think I just need to toughen up a bit.

My instagram algorithm was serving me up lots of relevant info last night, including how he was ‘future faking’ making lots of references to things we could do. I’ll now see that as a red flag if a guy does it so early on. I also wouldn’t do the getting to know each other so intensely before we’ve met. Although that’s a bit harder because if you both have children, I guess it can often be a week or more before you meet. Any advice on how to handle communication in that interim period? You don’t want to seem too cool!

Im 37 but was with my husband since 21 so feeling very very out of it!

Funnily enough my instagram was full of this last night!

Sorry that last message I meant to quote the poster who posted about attachment styles.

Just be completely upfront and say you prefer to keep texting etc to a minimum before meeting as you know it can lead to false hope or even fizzle out before you even meet. You need to meet in person to establish a connection. Trust me a lot of men feel the same about endless texting.

I just got on with my life in between dates, even if it was a 2 week wait. I’d wait for them to message, rarely messaged them and didn’t reply straight away. It doesn’t really matter if you want to message more or talk on the phone in between if that’s what you’d like to do, but just don’t get emotionally invested and remember the man you are chatting to could be lovely but he hasn’t proved it to you yet - he could also be a shit. I didn’t let my guard down for months to be honest. This approach also had the effect of making the guys more keen and my lack of interest didn’t stop the ones who liked me liking me any less!

I’d say - If he’s interested he’ll be talking every day. And yes, good to talk (not just message) before that first meet. Just keep being picky! Filter, filter, filter, don’t be afraid to just walk away if you feel it isn’t right.

Good advice on this thread.

I agree with @FloraBotticelli often the ones who are "Ok on paper and can give good date" have some ongoing underlying issues.

Especially in the age range you're dealing with.

The rest are often scary/odd, so their issues are more apparent immediately 🫣

Overall I've had some dating success online, some nice experiences....but I agree it can be a total cesshole.

I think the best strategy is to treat it all quite lightly and continue progressing your own life, networks, glowing up, etc. It's just a tool for meeting new people.

Don't be overly defensive as this might put good people off, take a break if you need to.

It's just so rude!
I would never block someone unless I'd messaged and ended it and they hadn't got the message, or had massively upset me.

I think at the very least, even if you’re super conflict avoidant you could send the message with the let down and THEN block! Still not the nicest but I can understand the anxiety over the come back. But at least do the decent thing by not just blocking after a supposedly ‘great night’ His words!

I suppose I could also understand if you matched, met quickly for a coffee and you weren’t feeling it, there might be a place just to block and move on because absolutely no emotional investment. And of course, I don’t know this guy, still a stranger. But we had been talking for weeks and met twice etc so I definitely feel I was owed a little more than a block.

I’m just glad he showed it to me so early on. Clearly not a great guy.