Why on EARTH do men do this? Online dating.

[Winniebagelton]

Separated from my husband 18 months ago after 16 years together. It was a very difficult time and I truly thought I’d never want to find love again.
However about a month ago, after a couple of glasses of wine a friend convinced me to try a dating site and I did! And more or less straight away I matched with someone I liked the look of. The conversation absolutely flowed and we soon took it off app, swapping numbers. Due to work, childcare and me being away for half term we were texting/voice noting for nearly 3 weeks before we met which I guess fostered a false sense of intimacy because I felt when we met that I already knew him quite well. First date was great, a walk and a coffee with a peck on the lips at the end. The second date was even better. We went to a pub and had drinks and chatted all night and had a proper kiss at the end. He was saying all the right things and frequently mentioning future things. The date was Sat night, he messaged me when he got home saying what a great night and that he’d message in the morning. Yesterday…. Crickets. So I messaged him asking how his day was… no reply. Then I looked again last night and realised he’d blocked me! This was on WhatsApp so I can now see that it hadn’t delivered and I can’t see his profile pic!
Obviously, it was a couple of dates. I’m not going to cry myself to sleep over it but I will admit it’s stung a little and I don’t know why I’m so bothered about it. I think it feels really cruel to just ghost and block someone without giving a reason and I guess I’m just feeling horribly rejected. Plus, all the weeks chatting away and really getting to know one another feel like such a bloody waste of time!
Why would a man do that? I know he could’ve just been after a shag and ditched when he didn’t get it but he totally didn’t give off that vibe so I’m annoyed I miss read the situation so badly. Is this just a part of the online dating world?! From speaking to a friend she says it happens quite a lot?

That’s so weird. Best to know. But seriously. What a weirdo.

I can understand your feelings of rejection and disappointment but this is a lesson learnt.
Also, he's shown what he really is.

But there’ll be another woman prepared to give him a shag on date 1. He’ll take that before investing more time in a 3rd date without knowing it will end in a shag.

Ghosting is low and the cowards way out.

I was seeing someone, we regularly met up for coffee, cinema, messaged every day. He moved closer to me and said we would see each other more. After about 7 months we slept together(I didn't have feelings at first, it was only after about 3 months that I realised I liked him). We still messaged afterwards,he kept putting off meeting up though.

About 6 months after sleeping together he agreed to dinner, then when I went to arrange it, nothing. He read the message and just didn't bother replying. I tried again a couple of days later thinking he may have forgotten to reply (I do that sort of thing), he read and didn't reply.

I sent one final message about a month afterwards, saying he obviously had his reasons for ghosting but it would have been nice to know what they were. He read and didn't reply. I'm not blocked, he's still alive. He's just a coward that couldn't give me the decency to let me know.

I'm quite resilient, but it did knock me for a bit.

And how were things in those 6 months after you first slept together and then when he ghosted you? Was everything going along nicely?

So fucking rude and weird. The not blocking you shows he doesn’t want to close it off completely so prepare for him to come slithering back at some point.

It’s a lack of maturity — ghosting.
People lack the maturity, bravery and integrity to let people down and be polite.
There could be a number of reasons why he did this, for example, playing away while he was already in a committed relationship and the partner found out. I guess you do need to be prepared for this while dating, it can be brutal, but sadly you gotta weed out the bell ends.

How very rude of him.

I'm glad you didn't spend too much time on him. Just remember he's the person who behaved rudely and unkindly, not you. It isn't hard to send a message saying circumstances have changed or you've decided it's not right to continue for whatever reason. Blocking is rude and hurtful.

Hopefully you will find someone more worthy.

Quite scary - I pasted your opening post into ChatGpt and it gave a really good answer!

Yeah definitely best to just have a few quick conversations before meeting, asap.

You don't want to ever be in the habit of talking every day with someone you haven't even met yet. Let alone for weeks.

To be fair if someone felt the need to message me daily, even right after dates, I'd find it smothering. But that's no excuse to just block someone and ghost.

Surely it is better for him to finish things sooner rather than sleeping with you then finishing it.

There is zero point analysing the reason. It could be any number of things. Who wants to hear anything negative about themselves. You are also probably idealising him. Everyone does it at first, the reality is after just 3 dates you really don't know someone especially their negative side. Texting before does not affect that.

Just get back out there and don't give up!

It doesn’t matter if he ‘didn’t give off the vibe’ of just wanting to get laid, it’s safe to assume 90-100% of men on OLD just want to get laid. I once agreed to go to a trip with a man I met on OLD after a nice but no-spark date, with the understanding we would be going as friends. When he realised I wasn’t going to miraculously change my mind and jump into bed with him, he turned pretty nasty and by the end of the trip we had blocked each other on everything. This was a guy who came across thoroughly decent on the first date and made me feel so at ease that I agreed to go on a trip with him. But when he didn’t get his way, he morphed into a complete dick. Never underestimate the utter bullshit men will spin to make you believe they’re one of the good guys.

@xSideshowAuntSallyXx Gosh that really is low behaviour. Makes me feel a bit pitiful morning about my ghosting after a couple of dates. I hope you’ve blocked him?

@Sodthesystem Totally agree and have learned my lesson. Quick coffee dates soon after the initial match is the way forward. The texts although every day were sometimes just 1 or 2 a day if I was busy but can see that I got carried away. Feel a bit of a fool really!

@ukathleticscoach Yes I suppose he gets credit for not sleeping with me and then ghosting me 😂 You’re so right though, I think I probably did run away with the idea he was a good guy. Lesson learned the hard way but I’m going to try to not let it put me off. I just need to toughen up!

@Crushed23

Wow! What an absolute arsehole

So any experts OLD’rs out there…. Top tips?!

Are you positive he wasn't married?

I was ghosted after about 6 months too - everything had been going so well, then one day I was sure I saw the little Tinder app on his phone and a few days later asked (by WhatsApp) something along the lines of how he thought things were going. After that he just never spoke to me again!

It was really upsetting and took me a long long time to get over it.

Well I’m not positive about anything anymore!
But no, I don’t think so. He definitely was married but says they’re separated. He quite willingly gave me his instagram for his personal and business which is quite risky if you’re married, surely you’d keep possible communication methods very low?

How old is he? I've noticed more and more people put up their Instagram etc details on their profiles - the actual @ rather than it just being linked to their tinder

Yes, talking to a male friend about this the other week.… He’d been on dates with a couple of dozen people over the course of nearly a year until one developed into a steady relationship back in 2023, but no one ghosted him after a date. Of the 20+ he met, of those he didn’t turn down himself first, apparently every single one messaged to say they weren’t interested after a date or two… none ghosted and all were very polite about it, apologising and wishing him the best!

He said the only ghosting he got was in the early days of messaging, where some women ghosted after a day or so of messaging… but it’s very different to do that after a couple of dates.

I've had guys arrange to meet for dates and then just not turn up! No message - just no show.

Interesting, I know nothing about this so what does that mean? He was 40 (old enough to know bloody better!)

Well for me personally I dont match with anyone that advertises their social media. That's just me though. I see it as potentially a guy just wanting more followers/attention and more females to be able to message on there when he decides to delete his dating app. I see it as potentially a bit showy offy, but again thats just me.

In this case he gave you his socials after you met for the first date (or 2nd date) which I've never had tbh. For me its always been further down the line once actually dating.

I had to stand someone up because he was rude to me on my way to the date because I was running 5 minutes late. Just blocked him and turned back. However I am against it generally, of course!

Interesting! You see I wouldn’t think like that, I actually saw it as a green flag when after the first message he gave his insta! Can you tell I’m new to all this.
Urgh I just hate all the rules and game playing. My husband and I broke up because we’d drifted so far away from each other and it was purely a friendship in the end. But essentially he’s a great guy and treated me so well that I’m finding venturing into a world of dick heads a tricky one!

What sort of business did he have, I think you said he gave you his business insta too?

It's a minefield out there!

Sorry this happened to you, it's not fair to do that to you. However I believe it happens because they can't/don't know how to communicate. Especially avoidant types are likely to do this. He probably was feeling it until he wasn't (who knows why), and then rather than send a message explaining that to you so you could be let down in a mature way, he felt like it was easier - for him - to block you so he could evade that responsibility.