Partner in denial about his poor health caused by diet

[Eveninggin]

Just after some advice how to approach this with my partner as I don't want to push him away but am so worried for his health and our future. Sorry it's turned out a bit long but didn't want to drip feed.

Been with my partner 5 years, getting married in 2027, we are both mid 40s. We both want a long future together.
He's grown up on a childhood diet of beige sugary, fatty food and fizzy drinks. Was very overweight as a child and has since slimmed down a lot but still 18 stone now. Between leaving home and when I met him, he lived on the same ( he was previously married so not living as a typical single bloke eating convenience food, but they did live on convenience food). He doesnt eat fruit and veg if he has a choice but still just eats high calorie, high fat high sugar food and drink every day. We did a quick tally up once of a day's food and drink (which he said was a good day as he'd 'cut back'). He'd eaten no fruit and veg, had 3 cans of pop and overall the equivalent of 250g of sugar in 12 hours!!!!!

I can see him starting to get health issues and he's recently lost a few teeth due to the sugar and fizzy pop eroding his teeth. (I have finally got him to book a dentist appointment).

He says he enjoys his diet and it makes him happy and he's always eaten the same and been fine with his health. I've said it'll catch up with him now I to his later 40s.

I've tried to talk to him about healthy eating and he does eat what I cook him when he's with me and enjoys it (we dont live together yet for logistics reasons with work / kids schools) but he refuses to see there's a problem with his diet and the impact on his health.

I know he's an adult and it's up to him what he eats and how he looks after his body. I don't want to be a nag or controlling over his diet as it will push him away. But we have so many plans for the future we want to have together and I'm so worried he'll die young if he doesn't change. But he won't accept there's anything wrong with his diet. I just don't know what to do and I'm scared for my DP and our future.

Please don't tell me to leave him due to different outlook on health as everyone does on MN, he's an amazing kind wonderful man and the whole point of this is that I don't want to lose him either through poor health or by pushing him away.

For added context, my DC's dad died young at 49 due to bowel cancer from a very similar poor diet - so I've seen what can happen (My DP is aware of this fact but thinks he's different).

Does he exercise? I would say in a health is important to not just what you see on the outside weight wise.

Are you able to cook more so he eats well? At least that is some way to improve. Nightmare though

Ultimately you're not in a position of any great strength given this is not a dealbreaker for you. He thinks his diet is OK, he has no reason to believe it's not, you've told him what you think but he doesn't believe you.

Over the course of many years my DH has gradually picked up my/better eating habits, but his "norm" is still the food of his mother (70s convenience and focus on Any Fat Is Bad, everything else pretty much OK).

The only way I managed to improve my OH's health was to get him to go on Mounjaro. Five stones off later, he feels so much better and eats better food, not just less crap.

You can not change him or his actions and I have to say worrying might not do you any good either.

But you can lead by example, cook well and have an active lifestyle with him.
You can add in the good nutritious stuff so he get that when you are cooking (as well as the junk he chooses at other times).
When you live together you can reduce the opportunities for/draw of junk via stocking the freezer and cupboards etc.

But until he becomes interested in healthy choices (maybe from suffering a negative heath even or a mid life ‘crisis’ ) your input, well intentioned or not, might feel controlling and unreasonable which may have a cost to your relationship.

Bad eating choices are very complex and multifaceted and even a motivated person will struggle to change permanently in most cases.

If he genuinely believes he is healthy, would he agree to prove it? You could both do one of these Michael Mosley style health checks where they do your CV fitness etc and tell you your body is ten years older than your real age, or five years younger or whatever.

He is not yours to rescue and or save from himself. He is also not your project to self improve. Only he can decide if he wants to change his eating habits (and there is likely to be emotional issues present behind all that) and fact is he does not want to.

You are really onto a hiding for nothing with this man because he will continue to dig his heels in and or otherwise piss you off in your head.

You are not living together nor yet married and frankly I would put all wedding plans on hold. I would also reassess this relationship as a whole too. You already have children, you do not need a man child as well. Being newly married with such issues under the same roof will just cause great strain.

a lot of people are in denial about this. Same as the people who feel ‘fobbed off’ about their joint pain being affected by their weight, or being told fresh air and exercise will help their depression.
Generally, people will only see this for themselves.
If it’s not a deal breaker then just adding in more fruit / veg / healthier stuff when you’re cooking is probably all you can do.

Why did you make him a dental appointment?. Surely he could have done this himself?. Enabling him like that only gives you a false sense of control.

I won't tell you to leave him but I will tell you that you'll spend the rest of your life policing his dietary habits - which is likely to be a losing battle if he's not remotely interested in improving it now

I have read lots of writes like this over the years on mum's note and they really isn't much you can do.

It would be a deal-breaker for me if my husband is like that but if you don't want to break up with him and I can understand that then all you can do is make the most of every day.

The one thing you could do is make sure he has regular fit tests for bowel cancer screening. The NHS don't send them out until 50 but with his diet I think he should have them now.

I don't think marrying him is going to suit you.

He won't change. You are just going to frustrate yourself.

You'll end up back on here moaning about how you cook healthy delicious meals which he eats and then you find Mcdonalds wrappers hidden in his car/pockets.

If he wants it, he will do it - as and when he is ready.

You can't change the person - you can only change your own actions/reactions.

Ultimately, you can't change your partner's diet. You can influence it, by cooking healthy when he comes to your home or even offering to cook if you go to his. By all means talk to him, but if he really can't see any wrong in his diet, then you are wasting your energy. If you keep bringing the subject up, he'll end up constantly in defence mode and will just lie to you about what he's eating when you don't see him. Yes, his poor diet will eventually catch up with him, but unfortunately most people tend to think 'it won't happen to me'. Of course it can, you know it and have first hand experience, but he's of the 'it won't happen to him' mindset. Sadly, it takes a health scare to jolt a person into realising they need to change their lifestyle.

Read Chapter 14 of Let Them by Mel Robbins, basically he will not change until HE wants to, really worth a read!

Very frustrating for you though.

Yes, he has an outside physical job which I think is his saving grace, without that he'd probably be seriously ill already

Thank you, good advice.
I have said when he moves in with me he'll be eating the healthy food I cook. He's said that's ok, but it's not likely to be for a few years yet. In the meantime it's beige all the way.

I've asked him to do this. He said he would go to the Dr for the over 40 health check but then makes excuses all the time why he's not done it yet 🙄

I didn't. With the utmost respect, my post said 'I got him to make an appointment '. Ie I finally convinced him it was a good idea to do.

@Eveninggin

top and bottom of this is; "I know he's an adult"

You are concerned, understandably but it is purely his choice to change his eating choices or not, isn't it?

I think that's unrealistic. There's a reason that married men generally live longer than single men - their wives hassle them to go to the doctors, to eat better, to get their teeth treated, etc etc...

Many wives do not have to hassle their spouse to do such things like visit the dentist etc. They are also responsible adults.

And op it was not your job either to tell him to make a dental appointment (even though you did not make it for him). This is a grown man with kids of his own.

I'm afraid I agree that he needs to want to change his eating habits. You can't make him.
I'm afraid I would also worry about what damage has already been done by a lifetime of bad eating habits. I say this because my DH died suddenly at 61 of undiagnosed heart disease. And I'm sure this was brought on by his life long poor diet - no fruit whatsoever, no milk, absolutely cups and cups of black coffee all day every day, and lots of biscuits.

Sounds like you need to take out a life insurance policy for him.

if you can bear to live with him under your roof eating chicken nuggets, chips and any other beige freezer food then fine. He doesn’t want to change, you want to continue a life with him. Until he has a stroke/heart attack etc, he wont change. Theres no advice to give.

personally, his beige diet and unwillingness to change would put me off. It would be like eating with a child every night with a table of beige foods. Does he have asd? Restricted diet?

OP, a person's immune system is based on what they eat, with gut health relying on fruit & veg., ideally about 30 a week. If he won't eat either, then personally I think you are on a hiding to nothing.

Your partner may have been healthy up until now, but as soon as he hits a problem, he may struggle to fight it.

If you can't persuade him to look after his own health, it just isn't going to work, but if you are determined to be with him, can you convert him to wholemeal bread & brown rice, and introduce veggies in forms he may accept.

I've spent 15 years teaching my ds to prepare and eat a wide range of fruit & veg, in the knowledge he will eventually grow up and do it for himself. You can try the same but knowing it will never end.

My overweight fiancé became morbidly obese once we were married. He had a stroke and couldn’t work anymore. I left him, I did not want to be a carer.