Partner in denial about his poor health caused by diet

[Eveninggin]

Just after some advice how to approach this with my partner as I don't want to push him away but am so worried for his health and our future. Sorry it's turned out a bit long but didn't want to drip feed.

Been with my partner 5 years, getting married in 2027, we are both mid 40s. We both want a long future together.
He's grown up on a childhood diet of beige sugary, fatty food and fizzy drinks. Was very overweight as a child and has since slimmed down a lot but still 18 stone now. Between leaving home and when I met him, he lived on the same ( he was previously married so not living as a typical single bloke eating convenience food, but they did live on convenience food). He doesnt eat fruit and veg if he has a choice but still just eats high calorie, high fat high sugar food and drink every day. We did a quick tally up once of a day's food and drink (which he said was a good day as he'd 'cut back'). He'd eaten no fruit and veg, had 3 cans of pop and overall the equivalent of 250g of sugar in 12 hours!!!!!

I can see him starting to get health issues and he's recently lost a few teeth due to the sugar and fizzy pop eroding his teeth. (I have finally got him to book a dentist appointment).

He says he enjoys his diet and it makes him happy and he's always eaten the same and been fine with his health. I've said it'll catch up with him now I to his later 40s.

I've tried to talk to him about healthy eating and he does eat what I cook him when he's with me and enjoys it (we dont live together yet for logistics reasons with work / kids schools) but he refuses to see there's a problem with his diet and the impact on his health.

I know he's an adult and it's up to him what he eats and how he looks after his body. I don't want to be a nag or controlling over his diet as it will push him away. But we have so many plans for the future we want to have together and I'm so worried he'll die young if he doesn't change. But he won't accept there's anything wrong with his diet. I just don't know what to do and I'm scared for my DP and our future.

Please don't tell me to leave him due to different outlook on health as everyone does on MN, he's an amazing kind wonderful man and the whole point of this is that I don't want to lose him either through poor health or by pushing him away.

For added context, my DC's dad died young at 49 due to bowel cancer from a very similar poor diet - so I've seen what can happen (My DP is aware of this fact but thinks he's different).

Well, twenty years into a relationship, I've done all those things. With great results.

Still love and respect my OH.

Maybe catch yourself on? What's the longest relationship you've had?

I do want to be with an equal partner and I am with an equal partner. There's no mother and son role here. Been there done that before and avoided it this time.
He can fully look after himself and looks after me too, he just doesn't want to admit to anyone he needs to change his diet. It's the only thing where we differ.
I'd just like him to eat better, he knows its bad food but just says he likes it and it makes him happy to eat it 🙄 He doesn't eat junk when he's with me and I wouldn't cook beige for him when he's here.

Just because there's one thing in our relationship where I don't agree, doesn't mean our entire dynamic isn't an equal partnership and I've taken on a mother role with a man child. This is the only thing wheres there's a difference and I've asked for advice on how to help him see a better way to eat so that I specifically don't turn this into a mother child relationship

I am in slimming world as I put on a few extra stone in lockdown. He gets it brainwashed to him when he's here 😆

This is what I've said to him. He's totally on board and happy with that. It's just whilst we dont live together he's killing himself with his diet

I'm happily married but that's neither here nor there. If you want to play mummy to a man child that's on you, but don't think that's normal or healthy 🤷🏼‍♀️

Oh do try to be less patronising. I am not "playing mummy to a man child". I am an equal partner in a relationship where we support and work with each other's weak points.

Come back to me after 15 years, I reckon you're about five years into it 😁

@Eveninggin if you're in an equal relationship with no mother/son dynamic then everything will be fine!

He's an adult with access to all of the same information on diet and health as you. You can rely on him to have enough respect for the relationship to make a conscious effort to take care of his health so that it doesn't negatively impact on your life together. So you can chill out and don't need to nag or do all the cooking because he will be doing half of it. And you'll both be giving each other healthy lifestyle advice, no mummy teaching little boy and hiding veg in his pasta sauce or begging him to eat a piece of fruit once in a while. It's all fine!

My husband is like this OP- he can cook (better than me!) But I can't get him to understand the fizz and the junk will cut his life short in the end. We had a friend diagnosed with bowel cancer last year (we are late 30s) but the penny hasn't dropped. He just can't understand that diet is linked to both his physical and mental health. It's infuriating that all this shitty food is so available and cheap. I'm on his case about it and nag, but it's because I want him to live!

He might end up leaving you if you are constantly nagging him about his diet. Yes it doesn't sound too healthy but need to back off even if you feel it's for his own good.

How have you avoided the mother son dynamic this time around when you have gone on at him about making a dental appointment and are over invested in what he eats?. If his job has him walking about most of the day that is keeping him healthy.

He says that he feels fine but a lot of the health issues that lead to diabetes, heart attacks and strokes, such as sugar in urine, high blood pressure, high cholesterol don't have any symptoms so are only discovered via blood tests, urine tests and taking blood pressure readings.

His active manual job will help him but his diet, particularly his sugar consumption, sounds really bad.

For better or for worse you need to take him as he is
grown adults rarely make drastic changes particularly around food

I’d also suggest a health check up maybe a quality private one that goes into detail but you would need to be there at the feedback so he could not under play it

but Basically you can’t control another adults eating habits it needs to come from him

Exercising at 18 stone when you eat rubbish like that is the equivalent of torture on your body and not healthy

Accept that he will not change. Whatever you do or don’t do, he will not change.

And realise that he won’t just die earlier than he might if he led a healthy life. His death will almost certainly be preceded by YEARS of increasingly poor health.

My suggestion would be to not let him move in with you, and don’t marry him. If he wants to know why, tell him, but without turning it into an ultimatum. Ultimatums rarely work - although he may perhaps, possibly see your decision as an incentive to address his unhealthy lifestyle.

Though I wouldn’t hold my breath. Sadly he won’t ‘get it’ until it’s too late.

Doesn't slimming world also endorse eating as many free foods such as pasta and potatoes unweighed? It certainly used to. Which as a diabetic I can tell you is the first food type you need to cut down on for both weight loss and sugar reduction.

What does he like doing? Is he a tech geek? Perhaps get him a fitness monitor/ blood sugar monitor. Socialising? Join a weight loss community. Listening to podcasts? There are loads of motivational ones on weight loss and health. It just takes lots of exploring until something sticks but I do think you need to think what will motivates him.

Of course he needs to exercise regardless of size / weight for heart health!!!

Umm no it isn't

You say he's everything you want @Eveninggin but you have complained about:

His diet
His weight
His background
His health
His attitude to his health and wellbeing
His teeth

I would seriously ask yourself if you are likely to stay in love with him.

FWIW DH was brought up on a poor quality diet of largely packet food although there was some fruit and veg and MIL would never have been so extravagant as to buy pop. He did not continue to solely eat poor quality food.

His parents and any siblings he had presumably have similar diets, how is their health?

Exactly, it’s hard enough to convince ourselves to give up bad habits nevermind other human beings with their own opinions and control over themselves.
It’s up to him.
All my family died from smoking related diseases, even my sister only in her 40s, and all smoked until the very last few days, all saying smoking didn’t cause it. Denial is a strong force.

Wtf?

I'd say you should approach it as in a caring for his health kind of way.
Eating a fair amount of sugar in itself shouldn't be the end of the world, though do you think he'd switch to diet pop? Clearly he is snacking a lot as presumably there's healthy meals available. Would he get into cooking? If you found a nice recipe like a 'fakeaway' version of something he likes?
Does he drink alcohol? Smoke?
Would he consider WLI?

It's obviously his own willpower and motivation that needs to play the most part. I know it's hard though if you're saying all the right things to him and setting and example but he's not following your lead.

Definitely he shouldn't be losing teeth. Does he use an electric brush, floss/tp each tooth twice a day, use mouthwash? Even with poor diet tooth loss in your 40s is totally avoidable.

I do want to be with an equal partner and I am with an equal partner. There's no mother and son role here.
Then all you can do is leave it to him how he chooses to live his life.

At some point, probably not too long from now, he'll develop a serious health condition and it will kill him or restrict his life. You can prepare yourself for that moment, e.g. by insurance, as someone suggested above. Maybe some counselling for you, to work out why you've chosen a high-risk partner and to help you decide whether you will become his carer if necessary. And become familiar with the early symptoms - though I spotted early symptoms in my partner and brought them up specifically, and he did not tell his doctor.

I met my dp when he was 52. He smokes. When we met, he was pretty healthy for a smoker, but I knew I was accepting a risk. I hoped it would be a long way in the future, but he had a heart attack at 59. After that he cut down on smoking but now he's smoking more again. I like him enough to want to stay with him.

All you can do is leave him or accept his shorter life. That's it. No other choices.

Will you be eating beige food on the days he cooks, or will he cook healthy food for you?

Thank you. Yes. Exactly this. I dont want to dictate his life or be controlling but we have teenage children we want to see grow up, and lots of things we want to do together in our life in the future