Partner in denial about his poor health caused by diet

[Eveninggin]

Just after some advice how to approach this with my partner as I don't want to push him away but am so worried for his health and our future. Sorry it's turned out a bit long but didn't want to drip feed.

Been with my partner 5 years, getting married in 2027, we are both mid 40s. We both want a long future together.
He's grown up on a childhood diet of beige sugary, fatty food and fizzy drinks. Was very overweight as a child and has since slimmed down a lot but still 18 stone now. Between leaving home and when I met him, he lived on the same ( he was previously married so not living as a typical single bloke eating convenience food, but they did live on convenience food). He doesnt eat fruit and veg if he has a choice but still just eats high calorie, high fat high sugar food and drink every day. We did a quick tally up once of a day's food and drink (which he said was a good day as he'd 'cut back'). He'd eaten no fruit and veg, had 3 cans of pop and overall the equivalent of 250g of sugar in 12 hours!!!!!

I can see him starting to get health issues and he's recently lost a few teeth due to the sugar and fizzy pop eroding his teeth. (I have finally got him to book a dentist appointment).

He says he enjoys his diet and it makes him happy and he's always eaten the same and been fine with his health. I've said it'll catch up with him now I to his later 40s.

I've tried to talk to him about healthy eating and he does eat what I cook him when he's with me and enjoys it (we dont live together yet for logistics reasons with work / kids schools) but he refuses to see there's a problem with his diet and the impact on his health.

I know he's an adult and it's up to him what he eats and how he looks after his body. I don't want to be a nag or controlling over his diet as it will push him away. But we have so many plans for the future we want to have together and I'm so worried he'll die young if he doesn't change. But he won't accept there's anything wrong with his diet. I just don't know what to do and I'm scared for my DP and our future.

Please don't tell me to leave him due to different outlook on health as everyone does on MN, he's an amazing kind wonderful man and the whole point of this is that I don't want to lose him either through poor health or by pushing him away.

For added context, my DC's dad died young at 49 due to bowel cancer from a very similar poor diet - so I've seen what can happen (My DP is aware of this fact but thinks he's different).

Ah. He does know he's unhealthy then OP, I'm sorry. He absolutely knows, but doesn't want to admit it and won't do anything about it. He might be lucky and get a serious 'scare' and take action at that point, some do.

If I cook healthy food he'll eat it without complaint. So when we move in together, he won't be eating beige food and chciken nuggets and he said he's happy to eat what I cook. If I left the cooking to him, yes it would be beige. But in the meantime, I worry about the damage he's doing to his health and the long term impacts that it will have that can't easily be reversed with eating better once he's here all the time.

It’s a tough one OP, people with serious weight issues are often in complete denial and have addiction issues with food. Ask me how I know!

The age 40+ NHS health check is a great idea, perhaps you could go along with him. When I had mine it was the wake up call I needed. They include blood sugars, cholesterol (good and bad), blood pressure and more. It works out your heart age which can be sobering too.

Plus mounjaro has been very helpful to lose the weight and start forming healthy habits. I’ve lost 5.5 stone so far and it’s made a huge difference.

Last night, I had a conversation with my kids about relationships, and we touched on something that’s often overlooked—compatibility. It doesn’t mean being identical, sharing all the same interests, or doing everything together. Instead, it means having a similar outlook on life, values, and approach to challenges.

Too often, we fall in love and assume the rest will work itself out. But in reality, we end up trying to change the things we don’t like about our partner—piece by piece—or worse, we do nothing and let resentment build over time. That resentment doesn’t just sit quietly in the background; it grows, and eventually, it impacts the relationship in ways we can’t ignore.

For me, this is a deal breaker. If he is not accepting your guidance now, it is only going to get worse later.

@livelovelough24

"in reality, we end up trying to change the things we don’t like about our partner"

Disagree, vehemently with this.

Surely, we take the time to know and accept our partners, faults and all, before we even make a life long commitment?

Why the f are you his mum?!

Diabetes can fuck with teeth and gums.

He’s likely already pre-diabetic, which is bad but not as bad as full diabetes.

Medichecks.com are good.

You nailed it, OP, when you said you know he's an adult and it's up to him what he eats.
It is his right to make his own decisions, just as it's your right to make yours.
If you make a big deal out of this, you'll push him away.

He literally hasn't had it yet? It'd every 5 years from the age of 40.

I've not had one either, not just him. Never been invited by the Dr to have one and by that reckoning I should be on my second one by now. Don't you have to actually go and ask for one at the Dr?

Tricky, I guess it depends somewhat on what you have in common to balance out the different approaches to food.
As a vegetarian my approach has always been that I will cook, but I wont cook meat, so if they want meat they they have to get it themselves.
Can you take that sort of approach OP?
Ie that you will cook/prepare food but only if it's food that you are also happy to eat.

As much as we cannot always know when ill health or death is coming if his diet is that crap it is hugely increasing his chance of illness. To make no attempt to look after yourself, it’s one of the reason the NHS is on its knees. I just wouldn’t want to be with someone that selfish and stupid.

If you don't want to leave him then you kind of need to accept it. He's not going to change.

It sounds like you're already in the mother and son dynamic. You're the bossy mum nagging the little boy to brush his teeth, eat more veg, etc. But the little boy will never grow up to be a responsible adult. You're playing the role of mummy now and I expect that will continue until he has a stroke or becomes unwell and then you'll move to mum and carer.

As I was reading your post, I was more intrigued about why you don't want an equal partner? Have you ever been in an equal relationship with a man? Why don't you want a man who looks after himself? Is it the mum/carer role that you feel you need to be in to feel fulfilled? Do you really have sex with a man who can't take care of his own basic health?

You're running around devising healthy meals you can cook for him, spending ages trying to coax him into going to the dentist, spending even longer trying to get him to go for a GP check up. It sounds like a lot of effort. Who makes that effort for you? It seems like you look after everyone else but who looks after you?

You don't think he'll be smashing the cans of coke and macdonalds when he's not at home and under your beady eye??
He's a heart attack waiting to happen, let alone the obesity which is only going to get worse as he gets older. You can't control what he eats and he isn't going to change unless he sees the value. I would not be able to make long term plans with someone so uninterested in their long term health.

I agree with this. My FIL had his first heart attack in his 30s and it was MIL who basically took charge of his health, to the extent that she didn’t even keep salt in the house. All his home-cooked meals were portion controlled by her serving him. There were never leftovers or second helpings for anyone in the family. If he was going out, she would stay up to go and collect him, so he’d never have too much to drink. To be fair, she kept him alive for a further forty years by these drastic methods that impacted on the whole family, to the extent that all the adult kids are now borderline obese from eating and drinking what they want. FIL was an amiable sort who had zero self-control, and was happy to outsource all his health responsibilities to his wife. He was very childlike in many ways. She has only herself to cook for now, keeps very little food in the house, and is thin as a rake, and likely malnourished. When her grandchildren visit, they come home hungry (think one pizza between six, and a single garlic baguette.) I think she developed a disordered attitude to food herself.

Don't have any rubbish foods in the house. Why don't you both join slimming world or similar, even if you don't need to lose weight, as a motivation, just using that as an example as it involves making fresh foods, eating as much fruit and veg as you like, etc, eating chocolate (or whatever) but at a sensible limit.

Generally healthier eating but something like that you can stick to and use as a guide.

@Eveninggin
You don't need to do anything, the solution involves less work for you. Make it clear that if you live together you will only purchase and cook the food that you like and approve of. If he wants different food he will have to do the work involved to purchase and prepare it.
The only effort required from you will be the effort of sticking to your guns on this issue.

I don’t think there’s anything you can do. But I’d ask him to take out life insurance and make you the beneficiary. Might seem cold blooded but at least you’ll clear your mortgage if he does die and his failure to care for himself will only cause emotional distress rather than financial as well.

If you can get him to go onto Mounjaro his eating will change. If he loses weight he may well like his 'new self" so much that he will maintain better habits.

That has certainly been the case for my OH.

OP, if you get him to the doctor he will almost certainly be told he is pre-diabetic. Maybe that would be the spur he needs?

Can you at least get him to take multi vitamins and mineral pills. So he is at least getting most of those that he's not getting in his diet. Not a substitute for a better diet but it's something easy that he could do for you if not himself. Just takes a second when he's having his morning tea (or fizzy drink).

And how about changing from full fat fizzy drinks to no-sugar fizzy drinks?

Sure, sweeteners aren't brilliant, but they're better than bottles and bottles of sugar!

I can perhaps reassure you to an extent. I could have written that 20 years ago when we moved in together. My DH is still overweight with various health issues, but I do the cooking and he happily eats whatever I give him, a lot of fruit, veg, whole grains, fish and chicken. If I’m away he will revert to eating crap, but the vast majority of the time he eats healthily.

I have learned to live with it and I’m quite prepared for him to drop dead any moment and we have all our affairs in order in case that happens.

All relationships are a compromise, if you split and get with someone else there’d only be a different gripe or several

Can you go on slimming world
can you switch to sugar free drinks
can you get him on medication
can you get him to take vitamins
can you go with him to the doctor

these are just the suggestions in the last 15 posts or so. Mumsnetters, please catch yourselves on. This is atrocious advice. The man doesn't want to change and it's not OP's job to change him or change her habits to accommodate him!