Work wife

[Cheshirecatz]

My husband has been working with a younger colleague for about 18 months or so. At first I didn't even know she existed, until she called him when we were in the car taking the children on a day out. He forwarded her call to voicemail. He then said 'oh its just so and so my boss'. I didn't know anything about so and so! I didn't even know his old boss had left.

Anyway it turns out she's about 15 years younger than us. Is single, attractive and they have great 'banter'. Apparently she's known as his work wife.

Without sounding biased, my husband is what I class as attractive, he gets female attention on nights out, works out etc. I however used to be a bit of alright too, but two kids later and perimenopause hasn't left me as desirable. I suppose I'm feeling threatened.

My senses are tingling, but I have no proof that anything has happened, and it might not have..... But I can't shake this feeling of insecurity and how to manage things going forward.

Any advice please?💗

Does he call her his work wife? Bit gross but nothing else would make me worried if this is all your going off. If there was other signs then maybe!

Are there any other signs? Working late? Phone secrecy etc ?

No he doesn't call her his work wife. The other team members do. He never mentions her though, ever. They have meetings daily on teams or face to face, and sometimes share a car to visit different work sites. He doesn't tell me if he's been out with her, if she has drove, if they've had lunch together. Its like she doesn't exist.

He did once drive past my parents house with her in the car, he said that it felt weird driving past their house with her. That didn't sit well with me.

They also had a 'team building' night away. Of course they were sat together all night. He didn't divulge any information until I asked.

I sound like a paranoid wife! But I just don't feel right. It doesn't feel right.

Yes, bit of phone secrecy. Changed phone pin a while ago. I now know the new one. There was once a 45 minute phone call which disappeared from his call log, I confronted him, he said they were talking work. So why delete it?

I'm not sure if he's egos being stroked or if there's feelings. I feel without concrete proof I'm just a crazy loon.

Trust your instincts, you know somethings up.

Have you done any digging?

The fact you are suspecting it , then it's possibly true...
It will make you feel you're going crazy - that's for sure. But trust your instincts as they are probably spot on.

I do. You're right. I'm scared. We have three kids, a nice life. Or so I thought. I want to bury my head, but I know I can't anymore.

I don't know how to manage this going forward, as he will deny everything. I'm his world, his soul mate, blah blah blah.

Well you need evidence, if you confront him without it he’ll deny. If you can’t find any evidence though, will that reassure you?

Apart from phone snooping no.

I'm not sure what they're messaging on teams, or what happens when they see each another in the office.

I can't look at his laptop as his work is quiet high security so lots of log ins etc.

I feel like they're interactions are mainly face to face or through teams. So I can't build a case, if that makes sense.

He's definitely going to deny, as he knows I have no concrete proof.

I think you're right. There's a lot to say for gut instinct. I wish I was wrong.

Can you just have a direct conversation with him? Say that you, rightly or wrongly, feel nervous about their relationship, and tell him that you don’t want him stumbling into something that could destroy the lovely life you’ve built together. I think sometimes people like the ego boost and excitement and don’t think about the real life consequences - don’t go in all guns blazing, no need to accuse him of anything, but just remind him of what could happen if he lets himself become involved in something inappropriate.

I would have a calm but very firm chat with him to express your concerns and to massively underline that any (ANY) sniff of any affair, be that emotional or physical would spell divorce, loss of family, split of income and life changing drastically - that you’d never forgive it.

If his team members call her his "work wife" then they are noticing how close their relationship is.
You are right to be concerned.
" Work wife" blurs boundaries. She is his colleague. You are his wife. There should be no overlap.

It may be entirely innocent. I used to get lifts to outside locations by male colleagues. It was easier than taking two or three cars. It doesn't matter though, even if he's entirely innocent you don't trust him. I've said it on other threads if he's cheating you deserve better, if he isn't he deserves better.

How do you know about them calling him his work wife, and sitting together all night etc? Does he talk about his other colleagues and omit only reference to her?

Gut instinct is a strange thing .
I’d do more digging before confronting .
Agree sounds ‘off’ though

It’s quite strange that he didn’t mention his old boss had left and he’s now got this new one and he is good friends with her. Surely that would just come up in ordinary conversation.

This

He mentioned the name work wife to me in the same conversation about driving past my parents house. I asked him who he was sat with at the meal as he was being secretive. He then said he was sat next to her. Apparently there were no name places, I asked.... but it wasn't intentional 🙄

Edited as there was a spelling mistake

Yes, you'd think so wouldn't you. I was shocked as he was close to his old boss. They do move around in his industry, to different areas, but still quiet strange he didn't mention he'd left.

Why would he deserve better if he’s not cheating?
OP is rightly uncomfortable about the situation as many other women would be.

The lifts don't bother me. It's the secrecy surrounding them. He's had lifts from other female colleagues in the past. Always said 'such and such gave me a lift to x,y,z site today' then tell me how she is etc. This is just blanket silence.

I hope I'm wrong. You're right though. I'm doubting how much I trust him.

You'll struggle to find evidence as they work together and most interactions will be at work. It sounds like they've become quite friendly.

Colleagues saying she's his work wife, doesn't mean there's anything going on. There was a man and woman in the same team in my workplace years who referred to each other that way, but nothing untoward was going on.

Now, a wife who did get evidence on a workplace affair, was able to get info from his work laptop...which raised concerns about an IT security breach. Don't attempt that.

She also hired a P.I and got photographic evidence.

Ask yourself this. If he's having an affair, would you want a divorce? If not, then why go through the bother.