Work wife

[Cheshirecatz]

My husband has been working with a younger colleague for about 18 months or so. At first I didn't even know she existed, until she called him when we were in the car taking the children on a day out. He forwarded her call to voicemail. He then said 'oh its just so and so my boss'. I didn't know anything about so and so! I didn't even know his old boss had left.

Anyway it turns out she's about 15 years younger than us. Is single, attractive and they have great 'banter'. Apparently she's known as his work wife.

Without sounding biased, my husband is what I class as attractive, he gets female attention on nights out, works out etc. I however used to be a bit of alright too, but two kids later and perimenopause hasn't left me as desirable. I suppose I'm feeling threatened.

My senses are tingling, but I have no proof that anything has happened, and it might not have..... But I can't shake this feeling of insecurity and how to manage things going forward.

Any advice please?💗

I think really, really odd that he hasn’t mentioned that his old boss left , also being honest , I’d hate that she is called his work wife by work colleagues, it indicates how close they are & well they get on ..
Sitting alongside one another all night at an event would equally piss me off ..
I don’t know OP , you need to chat with him ..
How is your marriage?

Their laptops are a nightmare to log into. Id never be able to do it. I'm not tech savvy at the best of times, never mind under the stress of a potential affair.

To answer you though. Yes, I'd want a divorce.

I would say recently average. We coast along. We love one another, or so I think. We have a laugh, we still have time just us two, we have similar interests. Our main connection is the children though, they're our focus with them being young.

Last year was harder, he was more distant, cold really. My sister noticed how he was acting differently towards me. She mentioned that he was quiet short, she'd noticed it a couple of times. He was even saying that I was hard work, moody etc.

Sorry if this sounds like a drip feed, but things are coming back to me when I'm being asked questions.

Don’t apologise OP , it’s not like a drip feed ..
So your marriage isn’t in wreck or ruin or anything, you have to have a serious talk with him though …
I hope things go well for you OP , I mean is he really going to throw away the life he has made with you & your children for someone at work ..
Men like getting their ego stroked , doesn’t mean they’ll fuck everything away for it though x

Thank you. No, it's not a wreck or a ruin. We have lots of friends, socialise a lot together with them, spend a lot of time with our families. From the outside we probably seem like we're doing alright!

I hope its just his ego being stroked. I don't like this feeling on insecurity. I've never felt threatened. I've never had reason to. I hope you're right. Thank you.

And yes I'm definitely going to have a talk to him and tell him exactly how I feel 💗

Yes , exactly how you feel ..🩷

If you know him well then his reaction to you confessing your insecurity that there is an attraction or something going on with this colleague will tell you a lot about the truth of the situation.

The problem is if he’s defensive and dismissive, and you feel he is lying, without proof you will need to decide whether this is enough to end what is an otherwise a good relationship. I really hope he gives you the reassurance you need.

I can totally understand why you feel the way you do. And why you would feel insecure but I would not be showing that to DH.
But as you say you have no evidence so I would leave it. But listen for anything and also get the Mumsnet ducks in a row! Be prepared in case the sledgehammer hits.
Get yourself a savings account etc maybe be more frugal and put the money away etc.

At least he hasn't had mentionitis which would be more of a red flag than the secrecy.
I have a colleague who contacts me a lot and it's more chatty than just work and DH wouldn't like it but to me he is colleague and I try to keep the team smooth running there is nothing in it.

Also op I'm not on DH side at all but you mention peri menopause and say that he has called you moody.
I'm not blaming pm but I'm a similar stage and sometimes I just want to tell my DH how much he really does my head in etc and he sees me looking at him like dirt and i get accused of being moody. I don't care because I feel rubbish. But PM can make us moody when we don't really realise. I feel tense and upright.
Not that I think it's ok for him to go round saying you are moody.💐

I definitely look at him like dirt sometimes!

If she is his boss and anything goes on between them she will likely lose her job too.. Very unprofessional when a boss is known as someone's "work wife" or husband.
My ex did similar, same age gap. Lost his job because he was sleeping with her which is against their policy to have relationships form between a manager and their team.

He never really mentioned her. I'd heard her name occasionally over the years just like anyone else in his team but he rarely spoke of her especially in the months before the affair came out.

He did once drive past my parents house with her in the car, he said that it felt weird driving past their house with her. That didn't sit well with me

I dont understand what part of that didn't sit well with you? Seems a normal thing to say

Just that he drives past their house with other colleagues probably at least weekly, men or women, and he's never once mentioned it feeling weird.

If it was a platonic friendship/work relationship there's no need to feel weird is there? So why say it was?

This is what makes me uncomfortable. The secrecy. He talks about her when asked by myself, abd he does give information, but he never brings her up in conversation. Ever.

I definitely get the feeling you got off this. I think he gave away more than he meant to in that comment. It wouldn’t be weird unless he sees you two as two separate worlds he’s trying to compartmentalize.

Exactly! That's what I'm trying to say. Thank you

It’s like she doesn’t exist.

@Cheshirecatz, something illicit is going on with your H and this OW, and he is using subterfuge and omissions to hide it. You’re not in an equitable marriage with a trustworthy partner.

It is telling that he has blocked transparency with regard to OW. For 18 months you had no clue that she is his boss or that his old boss, to whom he was close, had left. That is a huge and deliberate omission. He deletes their calls and excludes all information about her and their interactions, whereas he openly chats about other female and male colleagues. There will be a shady reason that he is marginalizing you.

In my view, his impulsive spilling about feeling weird when he and ‘work wife’ passed by your parents’ home was due to some cognitive dissonance leakage, which he usually keeps at bay via his double life.

It is not a coincidence that last year he began to be cold and detached from you. This is a standard Script behavior. The betrayer creates distance to justify his faithless behavior and to make room for the new special person in his life. His colleagues are clearly aware of their closeness.

@Cheshirecatz, you are being shat on but you likely won’t get much hard evidence. H’s secrecy and lack of transparency as he prioritizes OW are damaging your relationship. My advice is to use @OneFootInTheDave‘s suggestion above when confronting his destructive choices.

I agree. He is using the "not say anything" tactic so that later when you confront him he can say "I don't know what you mean/I'm not sure can't remember" when this eventually blows up. And it will. This is a conversation that needs to happen even though he won't want it to.

I agree about the comment saying he found it strange driving past with her in the car - full on red flag.

And to not have me toned his previous boss and new boss in 18 months is WILD

You have every right to be suspicious and not feel right about this.

I feel there are two options from here - speak to him, and he’ll deny it, and he will be more careful moving forward.

The other option is to bide time and try and find more evidence but I fear you may never really be able to, and it will drive you nuts.

It’s a tough one.

@Cheshirecatz The moods and accusations last year sound like the start of the script.
I don’t think you should doubt yourself .We can’t blame everything on ourselves and hormones .
I reckon he had wind who the boss was being replaced with so never mentioned his leaving .

I wouldn’t be having any of it .
He needs to decide what’s more important his work “wife” or his real one.
He either doesn’t care what’s at stake or so smitten he doesn't see what he’s doing .
I think he knows it wrong.
if it was innocent he would have answered the call in front of you .

I wouldn’t have a talk with him yet. You risk driving it further underground. He will be more stringent with any trail he is leaving and you’ll have less evidence available to you. I would try to behave as normal, watch with a very calm eye and get my hands on his technology whenever opportunity presents itself.

Does he ever WFH?

@Cheshirecatz I haven’t read all of the thread but I would say this - your sister noticing his change in behavior helps you get out of gas light central here. She’s noticed too and felt so concerned that she spoke to you about it.
i agree with the previous poster, do not confine try, be extra nice to him so he suspects nothing then investigate.

I meant do not confront him yet!

At this point, i would consider hiring someone to dig info as not knowing will drive me mad.
Based on the info provided, it all looks very suspicious.