Work wife

[Cheshirecatz]

My husband has been working with a younger colleague for about 18 months or so. At first I didn't even know she existed, until she called him when we were in the car taking the children on a day out. He forwarded her call to voicemail. He then said 'oh its just so and so my boss'. I didn't know anything about so and so! I didn't even know his old boss had left.

Anyway it turns out she's about 15 years younger than us. Is single, attractive and they have great 'banter'. Apparently she's known as his work wife.

Without sounding biased, my husband is what I class as attractive, he gets female attention on nights out, works out etc. I however used to be a bit of alright too, but two kids later and perimenopause hasn't left me as desirable. I suppose I'm feeling threatened.

My senses are tingling, but I have no proof that anything has happened, and it might not have..... But I can't shake this feeling of insecurity and how to manage things going forward.

Any advice please?💗

If he’s deleting evidence of calls with her he’s already paranoid you’re going to check his phone so I’m guessing you might not find anything there unless he gets careless
deleting evidence of the call is a huge red flag, he wouldn’t delete call logs with any other colleagues I bet .
sorry op it doesn’t look good

Don’t say anything yet. Eventually the truth will out. People always slip up. Try to hang in there.

I wouldn't confront him yet either. He will just become more careful to hide any evidence and cover his tracks better. I agree that the fact your sister noticed his change of mood towards you is a red flag and also the fact he never mentions this colleague at all. In fact lots of ominous signs here OP. I would also consider hiring a private investigator to establish the truth as l don't think you will get it from him.

Yes, even if nothing is going on yet the secrecy about calls does indicate either he's after her or vice versa.

If you tell him how you feel he will deny and gaslight. All you can do is be on alert, so check his phone when you can and just see what happens. It's such a cliche situation op, younger single woman and married man become overly friendly at work and that sadly is how it starts.

You need proof though before you decide what to do so as I say keep snooping on his phone. He'll be careless at some point and you'll find a message that will give an idea of how close they are.

If it does come up with him op, I think men only ever get it when you say ‘what if I had a male colleague that everyone was saying is my work husband’.

As with all of these things, its difficult to discern between protecting, and secrecy.

You said he's good looking and you know he gets attention. Good looking couples are always in this position. If you mention another person so much as twice, your OH will start to get a bit nervous. 'Is this other person secretly trying their luck... are my OH's eyes wandering?'. God forbid they drop them off somewhere or have a 121.

So what do they do? They hide it so they don't worry their partner, and/or get the nervous, accusatory questions.
"You're spending a lot of time with x"
"Do you have to drop them home?"
"You've been working late a lot recently"
"You're on your phone a lot..."

The problem is, hiding your activities to avoid the comments, looks very much like hiding an affair.

MN is a perfect example of this. "You should always be honest" comments very quickly turn into "he talks a lot about her... if it looks like a duck" comments.

'MN is a perfect example of this. "You should always be honest" comments very quickly turn into "he talks a lot about her... if it looks like a duck" comments.'

There is a happy medium. Most people would mention old boss left, new boss started then occasionally mention this colleague. Not delete call logs and say they felt weird driving past the inlaws house with the person in the car.

@SmashFlight makes a good point about professional conduct. I would have to ask him as she is clearly singling him out for preferential treatment, as her work husband, if she has the maturity to be the boss of that team. I’d also ask why he isn’t more embarrassed by the situation. It’s one thing for colleagues of equal standing to have that work spouse thing going on, but she’s his boss so the power dynamic is completely different. More like he is her work play thing than a respected member of her team.

I've been through similar and like you it's the secrecy that makes it worse.

You have to have it all out with him even if nothing is going on this will really mess with your head. He shouldn't be hiding her even if he's worried you are thinking something is up as it just makes it all worse.

I would check his phone first. He’s not going to admit to anything so asking him with no proof will get you nowhere

I must be in the minority. I think attraction is a very normal emotion and I think it’s really odd and unrealistic not to expect another human being to be attracted and flirt with other people throughout a lifetime of marriage. Particularly more so now, as people look better and take better care of themselves.

I find it odd that there has been no mention of working on yourself! You’ve said you’ve let yourself go, you’re in menopause etc… Start a gym membership, go get a facial, have a haircut. Do selfcare you can’t control and obsess about other people.

If they are having an affair it’s done and in full swing the cogs are in motion. If they haven’t done anything then you reminding him why he chose you might change or interrupt the course of motion. Either way taking care of yourself will mean that whatever happens you bounce back quicker, better and stronger.

In what reality does a woman let herself go nowadays. Take a look in the mirror apologise to your younger self and go sort yourself out.

@BrillantBriony you are in the minority. Even the most beautiful and glamorous women get cheated on.

Agree with this. So he denies it or turns it round on you, then buries it further underground, it’ll drive you even more mad.
Watch and wait, he’ll slip up at some point or if you’re ready and waiting you might be able to get into his work devices. Or just go nuclear and hire a PI, you know where he is presumably so a PI could find follow him.

I was thinking about this, too: at which point is this a situation (maybe friendly, banter or even "flirty" but innocent) that he enjoys but knows it could cause trouble for him, and being confident in his loyalty to OP he is hiding it to "protect" her (really to avoid a confrontation). I think many men are indeed partial to having their ego boosted and I can even see why and, if that's all there is, I wouldn't find it a problem per se.
However, there's one worrysome detail: the fact that OP says that he's been cold with her to the point of her sister mentioning it to her. This is worth getting to the root of. Because, even if the "work wife" situation is completely innocent, the gut feeling of having lost the connection, trust and intimate bond is there. I would address this first.
I actually think that a good talk with him won't do any harm: it may be a wake up call for him and, if he acts suspiciously, that's useful information for you too.

As for this reply, while I profoundly disagree with the tone of it and even the examples given, it's given me food for thought. And I think I agree with the sentiment: we can focus on ourselves to give us the things that will make us feel like the best version of ourselves. We can't control other people's desires or actions, even the people we share our lives with. We can take advantage of a situation like this (one where there is a potential risk, not a confirmed one) to take perspective and examine our own priorities, find our weakest spots and try to strengthen them, so that if a real risk arises we are in harmony with ourselves.
I don't know if I'm making much sense here, anyway...

It doesn't sound like there's any evidence of wrongdoing. So what if she's younger and attractive. Lots of people are.

I have this. My "work husband" is 15 years younger than me and it is a term we both use with affection/as a running joke, as we both have each other's backs, take the piss out of each other and are in the same role.
It is said with affection. It is completely platonic.
My own husband doesn't care at all. He knows this is how we refer to each other and has at least three women at work he is equally close to.
The issue here, OP, as others have said is the lack of transparency. That said, if your husband talked about her all the time, there'd be accusations of "mentionitis". In that regard, he can't win. Ime, men avoid confrontation at all costs, so he's clearly gone the other way.

@Cheshirecatz The majority of affairs start in the workplace and are usually with the ‘work wife/ husband’. From what you have written it does sound like there’s a blurring of lines taking place, hopefully no line has been crossed.
Don’t bother trying to play detective or hire a P.I., it’s not worth the anxiety- sit DH down and have a discussion- no accusations just say that you notice a bond with this woman and you want to know how deep it goes.

Agree but others, too many red flags put together OP!

1. why is she calling him on his personal number on a weekend?

2. Why did he reject the call instead of pick up?

3. why delete a call from the call log? That's shifty as hell, also 45 mins of work chat in non working time.... I don't buy it at all.

4. He never mentioned having a new boss from 18 months ago?? My DP would have told me the same day / week as that would be a massive change in his work

5. How come these "work wives" are always much younger, single, attractive etc... yawn

I'm not sure a PI would be able to find much, unless he is meeting her outside work. Your best bet for nie is to go through his phone very thoroughly and look for texts/calls. You arent going crazy, he's definitely shifty. My guess is at least an emotional affair and one or both of them longing for something more...

In what reality does a woman let herself go nowadays

In the reality that human women can expect their husbands and father of their children not to cheat on them if they don’t get facials and have a gym membership.

I agree a discussion needs to be had because you have already sleuthed and not found enough to confirm an affair but you have enough evidence and gut feeling that their relationship is not completely innocent. This will affect your MH and relationship the longer it persists.

There is a range of scenarios that could be true from a little crush with no inappropriate contact to full blown sexual and emotional affair. You need to be prepared for any of these.

I would sit him down for a talk without the children around and follow this script.

1. Ask him if he is happy with your relationship and his role within the family.
2. Ask him whether he thinks you deserve to be in a loving and honest relationship.
3. Tell him certain things have arisen lately that has led you to believe that his head has been turned. You accept that having a crush isn’t something that he can control but if this is the case you want to remind him what he has to lose.
4. Acknowledge he’s a grown man and can make his own choices but remind him those choices will impact his family and has the ability to change the trajectory of all their lives.
5. He needs to be honest with himself even if he struggles to be honest with you. The truth always comes out so he needs to make sure he can live with his actions and face not only his family but himself.
6. You want him to go away and think about what you have said. If there is someone more important to him than his family then he needs to come clean. If you and his family are the most important thing to him then he needs to make sure going forward this is clear to you and himself because at the moment you have doubts.

I wouldn’t mention anyone’s name. He knows, you know. He may question who you are talking about and want to know what has made you think that. In which case I would lay it all out for him as to why you feel the way you do. His reactions will tell you what you need to know. Hopefully it’s not a full blown affair and your talk knocks some sense into any possible fog that was clouding his judgement.

I've read all of your comments. Thank you.

I validated in a way. That I'm not going crazy, and there's definitely something being hidden from me.

As for working on myself and apologising to my younger self..... well I think looking in the mirror my younger self would be very proud of the strong, kind, caring, funny, successful, financially independent mother to 3 I am today. I think she'd want to be me, exactly the way I am. But a haircut and facial do sound nice, thanks for the tip. Hope they can save my marriage!

Can't he just be called a workmate, why the silly work husband tag it sounds desperate and childish tbh.

The fact that he spends so much work time with her but doesn’t mention her at all is suspicious. Your spidey senses are there for a reason.

Yuk. MRA comment. Way to attribute blame to the victim. We deserve to be loved by the men who promised in sickness and health and for whom we give our bodies and birth children even if we no longer look like we did fifteen years earlier. Again, yuk.