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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I literally can’t believe I keep giving this a try

83 replies

TT250 · 06/06/2025 17:57

this is some of the things my “boyfriend” has just said to me
after we had a disagreement last night about him shouting Oi at our 1 year old because he thought she was being too hyper before bed and me saying shouting will more than liking scare her and her hurt herself by falling over ….

You’ll be jobless
See if we work better as a team not together you’ll see
You’ll have your daughter 2/3 days a week
You’re an ungrateful cunt
You work a part time job minimum hours so you can claim benefits
He said I’ll sign on and have her when you don’t
I’ll get a part time job work Saturday Sunday so I can claim benefits
This will only work if we’re a team
This house is a shit hole
It’s a shit hole all the time
You will be ok for a week
You don’t know what anxious is it’s a made up word in this house
I asked him to leave numerous times
you’re twisted

explain to me why I’m still “trying” to make this relationship work.

OP posts:
S0j0urn4r · 06/06/2025 18:05

Explain it to yourself.
I can't believe you're putting up with this shit, either. Especially as you have a child.

Hatty65 · 06/06/2025 18:08

I can't.

The first man who called me an 'ungrateful cunt' would be out on his ear.

rubyslippers · 06/06/2025 18:15

Leave
he’s disgusting
he’ll speak to his daughter in the same way - do you want her to be called a Cunt?
because he hates women judging by the things he has said and done

Justwanttovent · 06/06/2025 18:18

You'll be selfish if you stay with him now. Do you want your daughter to grow up thinking that's a normal way for a partner to speak to her?

Get outnow while she's young, she won't thank you for staying with him when she's older

Natty13 · 06/06/2025 18:48

Because you want him more than you want your daughter to grow up with a good sense of self esteem 🙄

Daughters watch and learn from the age of 2 how their mothers allow themselves to be treated.

perfectcolourfound · 06/06/2025 19:38

You deserve better. Your daughter deserves better.

Please put you and your daughter ahead of this man.

He sounds vile. Those aren't the words of someone who loves you. Imagine a calm, peaceful home, just you and your daughter.

The longer she has to live with him, the more chance she'll grow up thinking that's how women can expect to be treated.

Imagine for a moment, it's 20 years from now, and a man is treating your daughter how your OH is treating you. How would you feel? What would you advise her to do?

I repeat - you both deserve better.

TwistedWonder · 06/06/2025 19:43

So you’re absolutely fine with your DD growing up on an abusive home learning from birth that women were only put on the earth to be treated like complete shit by men? And she’ll grow up to get into relationships with controlling cunts because that’s her normal

Is the the future you want for her?

Nikki75 · 06/06/2025 20:56

Imagine your daughter grown up and a man calling her an ungrateful cunt... what would you say to her ?
What would you expect her to do ?
What would you want her to do ?
You'd tell her to never let a man or anybody call her a cunt you'd expect her to walk away leave get rid of the disrespectful bastard you'd want your daughter to have respect for herself to never let anyone treat her this way .
There is a whole world out there nobody needs to put up with this shit from a partner and live like this.

SunflowerTed · 06/06/2025 23:15

Poor kid living in that scenario

Jellybean23 · 06/06/2025 23:31

Can you honestly see happiness ahead if you stay with him?

Dery · 06/06/2025 23:44

No-one will explain that to you because no-one thinks you should be trying to make it work. What support do you have in real life to help get yourself and your daughter away from him?

dottydaily · 06/06/2025 23:59

Does he have any addiction?

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 07/06/2025 00:02

Oh well, at least you are not married.
tho I suppose you put his name on the birth certificate despite this.

Sunflowers67 · 07/06/2025 00:06

"Boyfriend" - so not husband or partner?
Not really a friend either but definitely a boy - and not a very pleasant one at that.
Get rid!

Original poster
TT250 · 07/06/2025 07:08

dottydaily · 06/06/2025 23:59

Does he have any addiction?

Smokes 🌱 daily (not around me or baby ever) … just made another excuse for him there didn’t I 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
TT250 · 07/06/2025 07:08

Jellybean23 · 06/06/2025 23:31

Can you honestly see happiness ahead if you stay with him?

I try to … to be honest I’ve checked out and I feel like I’ve being trying to just keep the peace

OP posts:
Original poster
TT250 · 07/06/2025 07:09

Dery · 06/06/2025 23:44

No-one will explain that to you because no-one thinks you should be trying to make it work. What support do you have in real life to help get yourself and your daughter away from him?

Edited

This is a problem I don’t really have any support so he’ll use that in his favour … he doesn’t have any support either I’ve lost a lot of friends since I’ve had my baby which I’m confused about ..

OP posts:
Original poster
TT250 · 07/06/2025 07:10

SunflowerTed · 06/06/2025 23:15

Poor kid living in that scenario

I agree you’re right

OP posts:
Original poster
TT250 · 07/06/2025 07:11

TwistedWonder · 06/06/2025 19:43

So you’re absolutely fine with your DD growing up on an abusive home learning from birth that women were only put on the earth to be treated like complete shit by men? And she’ll grow up to get into relationships with controlling cunts because that’s her normal

Is the the future you want for her?

I agree I don’t want this for her. I need to change it

OP posts:
Original poster
TT250 · 07/06/2025 07:13

Justwanttovent · 06/06/2025 18:18

You'll be selfish if you stay with him now. Do you want your daughter to grow up thinking that's a normal way for a partner to speak to her?

Get outnow while she's young, she won't thank you for staying with him when she's older

You’re right I would be selfish - he’s not gonna go quietly and he’s always said he wants her 50/50 - I’m not saying he shouldn’t have her he’s her dad but it’s gonna be so hard for me to be away from her for half the time … I just need to get all my ducks in a row and do right by her

OP posts:
Original poster
TT250 · 07/06/2025 07:16

Natty13 · 06/06/2025 18:48

Because you want him more than you want your daughter to grow up with a good sense of self esteem 🙄

Daughters watch and learn from the age of 2 how their mothers allow themselves to be treated.

I don’t want her to witness it. I don’t know how to get out of it… he wants her 50/50 if were not together and to be apart from her is gonna be so hard.
I know I can do this alone ! I don’t need him I don’t want him at all to be honest with you I’m literally praying each day that there’s not a problem or an argument - I’m lucky that he works until late so it is just me and her after I’ve picked her up from childcare when I finish work. I know I’m a good mum I’m just letting her down in this area because I dunno how I go about it

OP posts:
Dery · 07/06/2025 08:01

OP - you do sound isolated so that will make it harder to leave but not impossible. Take things one step at a time. It sounds like your BF says awful things but that you’re not in immediate physical danger so you have some time to plan (but you may need to grab your daughter and leave if that changes).

Women’s Aid has very good advice at this link which you may want to consider:
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/

You may also want to call Women’s Aid and ask for advice.

Another point to consider: your BF would get shared custody of your daughter so he would have the right to have her with him at least some of the time. How well do you feel he would care for her and how safe do you feel she would be with him? This isn’t something that’s said on here much - only occasionally - but I know that sometimes women stay when the children are tiny so their partner never has the children alone. They then leave when the children are a bit older and able to speak for themselves a bit and talk about what’s happening so they’re a bit less vulnerable (eg maybe school age as opposed to baby/toddler). Given how tiny your daughter is right now, that might also be a consideration but that’s something to talk to Women’s Aid about.

The Survivor's Handbook - Women’s Aid

The Survivor's Handbook provides practical support and information for women experiencing domestic abuse, with simple guidance on every aspect of support.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/

Imbusytodaysorry · 07/06/2025 08:08

@TT250 can I ask how will he manage to work and have your Dd 50/50?
Do you not think this is more a threat like something a bully would do rather than something he will actually do ?
He will probably move on to some other poor woman and you will be left holding the baby.

Whose house is it ?

Renabrook · 07/06/2025 08:08

We can't do that we can only say daily to you and thr next person who will come along in 20 minutes with a similar story who thinks the bloke they are sleeping with will make a,great partner and relationship and even better role model for their child because their child will grow up to think its normal and do the the same things themselves or have a partner who acts like this

The cycle will continue unless people stop it but they wont it will happen again and again and justify it to themselves

Omgblueskys · 07/06/2025 08:08

Op please take on board advice given on here,
As for the 50/50 he says this but in reality he won't, he will make it very difficult for you because he can, you need to seek help via children's courts so he can not play and mess you about with child care arrangements, if your thinking of working part time then he needs to have child to enable you to work, does he work ?? He will make the progress difficult for you op so you need legal support for this,
Who's home is it, can he leave, would he leave if asked??