I literally can’t believe I keep giving this a try

[TT250]

this is some of the things my “boyfriend” has just said to me
after we had a disagreement last night about him shouting Oi at our 1 year old because he thought she was being too hyper before bed and me saying shouting will more than liking scare her and her hurt herself by falling over ….

You’ll be jobless
See if we work better as a team not together you’ll see
You’ll have your daughter 2/3 days a week
You’re an ungrateful cunt
You work a part time job minimum hours so you can claim benefits
He said I’ll sign on and have her when you don’t
I’ll get a part time job work Saturday Sunday so I can claim benefits
This will only work if we’re a team
This house is a shit hole
It’s a shit hole all the time
You will be ok for a week
You don’t know what anxious is it’s a made up word in this house
I asked him to leave numerous times
you’re twisted

explain to me why I’m still “trying” to make this relationship work.

You say no to 50/50 he will have to go to court.
You then tell the court about his actions his smoking weed he not working they may only allow him a few hours a day supervised visits definitely not 50/50.
Go and find out about safe houses in your area for mums and children and get into one of those it's better than being eith this piece of shit.
It will give you breathing space you will eventually get rehoused away from him.
You need to do this before life gets happier again for your little girl .

No, its another reason to kick the fucker out of your life.

Apologies he does work ... but so what he wont get 50/50

Somewhere in your past you were groomed to tolerate abuse. You were groomed to be the unimportant one in any situation. You were groomed to believe that good people tolerate abuse. There may be a parental figure who used your emotions against you to escape accountability. This is how people get stuck in harmful connections. You’re trying to prove you’re good by being tolerant and understanding. You can be a good person and end abusive relationships.

Has he physically hurt you yet ? Throwing stuff getting aggressive in your face etc . If he hasn't already that will be next.

Did he love bomb you at the start of the relationship, sell you dreams?

Is he in the position to go 50/50 with work . Would he actually do it ?

It sounds like you want to leave but your scared to because of the things he's saying. Contact wonans aid and tell them your situation and all your worries including the worries able him seeing your child.

This made me emotional this one.
my parents stayed together for 10 years “for me” I wish they never did.
my mum doesn’t leave her house she has anxiety I’ve basically been her mum for the last 32 years.
my dad used to say he would come and pick me up at weekends and call when he was late to say he wasn’t coming. Then the next week give me money as a sorry.
I had a long relationship before this one and was going to get married and he left (I now look at that relationship as abusive it didn’t get to him being physical but it was close a few times)
I had a long stint being single and then met this one who I think love bombed me so much and now 4 years in and we’ve argued more than we’ve loved … we haven’t been intimate since before baby was born … basically when I got pregnant …

Often the father only wants 50/50 to avoid paying maintenance...

I often ask what posters learnt about relationships when they were growing up.
Your parents taught you an awful lot of damaging crap about relationships. No-one ever bothered with you or to show you what a mutually respectful relationship is and this one you're currently in is not it either. Your parents failed you abjectly and now you have a choice re this man. Your child does not. Your mother used you as her prop and in addition has seemingly not sought the necessary help. Your dad used money as a sorry and threw you under the bus. Do not do your bit here to perpetuate this cycle of abuse in an otherwise dysfunctional and unhealthy relationship. You can and should rebuild your life here. it will take a lot of work and therapy but it will be worth doing, your DD will also thank you for doing so.

How can you be helped here into leaving your (and in turn your child's) abuser?.
He saying 50/50 is also a tactic employed by many such types as a means of avoiding child maintenance. How is he going to do 50/50 anyway given his weed smoking and work?. Chances are your DD will just get palmed off onto his nearest relative. He won't be able to maintain 50/50 at all.

That's the only reason for some men. I really don't think 50:50 should be automatic when it's done to hurt the mother and to avoid maintenance. In an awful lot of cases it's not in the best interests of the child.

Please get rid op

They never go quietly 😅

I fled DV when mine were 8 months old and 2.6 years old. I'd been with him for 7 years & I was only 25 when I left. I moved 40 miles away and started again in a town where I didn't know a soul.

I'm not going to lie it was very hard and very isolating at first. But their 10 and 8 now and not a day goes by where I'm not thankful I left. I've slowly built a nice support system and I have a few local friends, we have a very nice calm life

As a side note..... turns out both my children are autistic/adhd but because ND and trauma can look very similar..... their ND was not picked up on until this year, prior to that they're behaviour and reactions to things had been blamed by proffesionals on the DV they were around when they were younger.

If I'd of never left or left a few years later their ND could of possibly never been picked up on

So I’m done - I can’t go back from this! I’m extremely emotional not sad about the relationship (i dunno if that will come)
but today for instance I let him be at the house spending time with the baby this afternoon and went out to visit a family member I said I’ll be back at 5 I’d like you to leave then so that this isn’t an awkward environment it’s my house. (I can’t even remember if I’ve mentioned he rents a room from a family member of mine) I came back about 5.10pm.
I went straight to sort out baby’s dinner I then sit and give her her dinner about 5.35 I’d packed up some clothes of his this morning and I’d asked him to take them - while I’m feeding her he starts sorting through them and choosing what he’s taking … STALLING basically I said I’d like you to go by 6 trying to just be patient 6.04 comes he’s still doing this while talking at me we’re going back and forth (I’m biting basically and I need to learn not to)
he starts being rude to me I said you need to leave he said I’ll go when I’m ready and that he’s keeping my key as his kid lives here I said no your not and if you don’t leave I’ll be calling the police to remove you (I feel stupid for saying that) he said I dare you go on ….. eventually he left the house at 6.25 and gave me the key … I know he’s controlling the situation that’s the problem …….

now what do I do tomorrow u suggested he comes and picks baby up at 11-3pm and he said I’ll bring her back after 7 I said she goes to bed at 6.30 sometimes he said I’ll bring her back at 6:30 then ——- he’s really making me cross and see how nasty he can be!!

someone help with what I do ???

@Justwanttovent @speakball @Nikki75 @Omgblueskys @Dery @TwistedWonder So I’m done - I can’t go back from this! I’m extremely emotional not sad about the relationship (i dunno if that will come)
but today for instance I let him be at the house spending time with the baby this afternoon and went out to visit a family member I said I’ll be back at 5 I’d like you to leave then so that this isn’t an awkward environment it’s my house. (I can’t even remember if I’ve mentioned he rents a room from a family member of mine) I came back about 5.10pm.
I went straight to sort out baby’s dinner I then sit and give her her dinner about 5.35 I’d packed up some clothes of his this morning and I’d asked him to take them - while I’m feeding her he starts sorting through them and choosing what he’s taking … STALLING basically I said I’d like you to go by 6 trying to just be patient 6.04 comes he’s still doing this while talking at me we’re going back and forth (I’m biting basically and I need to learn not to)
he starts being rude to me I said you need to leave he said I’ll go when I’m ready and that he’s keeping my key as his kid lives here I said no your not and if you don’t leave I’ll be calling the police to remove you (I feel stupid for saying that) he said I dare you go on ….. eventually he left the house at 6.25 and gave me the key … I know he’s controlling the situation that’s the problem …….
now what do I do tomorrow u suggested he comes and picks baby up at 11-3pm and he said I’ll bring her back after 7 I said she goes to bed at 6.30 sometimes he said I’ll bring her back at 6:30 then ——- he’s really making me cross and see how nasty he can be!!
someone help with what I do ???

Why is he coming back so soon to see the child again ?
Next Saturday, 11am - 3pm will be fine.

Until it all gets sorted out in Court.

How much maintenance does he pay...

and what are you doing with the sorted out clothes he didn't take ? are you supposed to bin them or is it an excuse for him to come back again and again and again...

He tells me there won’t be a day he doesn’t see his baby 😩

he’s saying we won’t be going to court we can sort it between us - we cannot make a decision because we disagree on bloody dinner ….

am I not bad for saying a week later I’d hate to not see her that long ….

he doesn’t pay he says I claim benefits for her

it’s another excuse

If it was me I wouldn't let him see the baby right now. Are you not worried he will take her and refuse to give her back?

He won't want to go court because he won't want other people to notice he's abusive and controlling.

I'd let him take you to court tbh,

I'm telling you now, he will use your baby as another way to control you, not giving her back when he's supposed to, not turning up, coming later than he said ect

Don't ty to be a nice person, nice doesn't work with these sort of men.

He's shown you who he Is and how he reacts when things start getting out of his control. Go to court and let them arrange contact

Typical behaviour from such vile people.

He's trying to control the narrative by arguing back and forth with you, stalling and going when he decides to go.
This is your home and your rules and he either respects that or he doesn't get to come in it again.
I know its easier said than done.

It may be an idea to write a plan down for him - that way he cannot say that he didn't know that, or didn't agree to that or any other twisting things they tend to do when it suits them.

For instance:

These are the times I can do for visiting your child (away from your home obviously).
These are the times that I can do within her existing structure.
If you are unable to make any of these times then text this number (a good friend maybe or even get a burner phone and tell him you have changed your number - at least then you can turn it off if he gets excessive with the texts and calls).
If you threaten or intimidate me in any way or treat me with less than the respect I deserve as the mother of your child then there will be consequences.
Our relationship is over but I am happy to work with you to ensure that our child has the opportunity to maintain a fulfilling relationship with her father.

Have as little contact with him as possible, protect your home - it is now your sanctuary and your safe space - he has no right to be in it, even to visit his child. It is not your fault or your problem if he has no money or a lovely house to take his child to.
Stand firm, set your boundaries - hope for the best but expect the worst is the motto and make your plans around that.

These men are vile creatures that do not think or act logically - keep your guard up at all times.

As for calling the police - that is not stupid! He was doing this to intimidate you - call them if he does anything like this again - get those reports on file, get them alerted to this horrible specimen of manhood - you could even file a report online now just to inform them of this situation and any potential future ones.

That is what I did as my first course of action - I too felt stupid for ringing 999 when it was 'just words and intimidation' and it set the ball rolling for me - I began to realise how awful he was/is, that I needed help and support. They were very good and helped show me how abusive he was.

He tells me there won’t be a day he doesn’t see his baby 😩

that's for the Court to decide

he’s saying we won’t be going to court we can sort it between us

clearly you can't ! so off to Court he goes...

am I not bad for saying a week later I’d hate to not see her that long

you carried her for 9 months, then gave birth to her !
thousands of fathers see their children weekly, even every other weekend !!!

he doesn’t pay he says I claim benefits for her

oh of course he doesn't pay !

and so what if you claim benefits for her - do you mean Child Benefit ? or are you on Universal Credit and you get a child element in that ?
even so, he needs to pay !!!

he still has to pay for her !!!
even if it's only a % of his job seekers allowance ! as I suspect he is not working ?

Thank you I don’t THINK he will keep her and not bring her back but then I haven’t got a clue.

im so scared to go to court! I dunno why but I agree that’s true he won’t want people to see the real him

I just thought if I refuse for him to see her then he will go mental

im so scared I think I dunno what of but i just don’t like all this

I'd be very wary of allowing my child into the sole care of someone who smokes weed on a daily basis.
Their unpredictability could result in serious harm to your child, if there is no responsible adult around

"im so scared I think I dunno what of but i just don’t like all this"

This is the most dangerous time for us with men like this - please do a 101 report now and tell them you are scared and what has been happening. But do not hesitate to call 999 if anything happens in the meantime.

This is not a situation that we ever imagine ourselves to be in so it is scary.
See it through one step at a time and stay on this road that you have started travelling on. Safety is the priority at all times though.

Please do an online report NOW.

Omg op this is what he will do, you need court to stop the control,

Have the locks changed and stop him from just turning up when he feels like it, what's he thinking he can just sit around your place all day , you need child care made formal so he can not control you, of course he will use child to do this op,

Also, the police will help to get social services involved - that is not to be viewed as a bad thing either! Their child safeguarding is needed to help you and your child - as for going to court, these men usually disappear way before that happens anyway.
I would bet my remaining kidney that the moment he realises that you are serious about this and your child cannot be used as a weapon by him, that he will be long gone.
Then his sob story can be that you stopped him seeing his child and he is heartbroken but the mental woman that you are was intolerable and abusive to him.

My ex used to threaten to take me to court for contact during the last stage of our relationship. It used to scare me too.

As it happens, he attacked me and ended up in court for that, was found guilty and at the same time the courts ordered no contact or communication with the children unless authorised by social services/family courts.

It costs £208 to go to court, if he smokes weed he isn't gonna wanna pay court fees.

He probably will go mental. Ring the police if he does. It'll be on the system and if he ever does take you to court you'll have a record of abuse. So won't look good for him

Amd in regards to you don't think he would keep her. We just don't know how low they will stoop. My ex took our sons ashes when we split up ( I didn't realise until he'd left ) refused to give them back to me and then when he did it turned out they were fake ashes. They will do anything they can to hurt us once they realise we are done with them. That includes nasty shit to their own children.