I literally can’t believe I keep giving this a try

[TT250]

this is some of the things my “boyfriend” has just said to me
after we had a disagreement last night about him shouting Oi at our 1 year old because he thought she was being too hyper before bed and me saying shouting will more than liking scare her and her hurt herself by falling over ….

You’ll be jobless
See if we work better as a team not together you’ll see
You’ll have your daughter 2/3 days a week
You’re an ungrateful cunt
You work a part time job minimum hours so you can claim benefits
He said I’ll sign on and have her when you don’t
I’ll get a part time job work Saturday Sunday so I can claim benefits
This will only work if we’re a team
This house is a shit hole
It’s a shit hole all the time
You will be ok for a week
You don’t know what anxious is it’s a made up word in this house
I asked him to leave numerous times
you’re twisted

explain to me why I’m still “trying” to make this relationship work.

Op are you in uk, if so tomorrow morning go to police station and get an order to keep him away from your property explain your trying or going to make arrangements via court for him to see child,
You need to explain that you frightened of him turning up,
If you allow him to have child tomorrow he will play games and not keep to times, not answer your calls or reply to txt

Key taken off him after much persuasion

No he does work he gets paid fortnightly works 4 days 6-6.

he borrows money off me I know I’m stupid then pays it back 2 weeks later. Thats not happening again.

I am on universal credit yeah I don’t earn a lot I work in childcare crazily.

Why does this make me nervous and feel like I would Be being a bad person ?

Oh op it was never about you being a bad person good lord no, my thinking was that if you feel nervous or anxious and you are in the UK, there's things that can help you feel safe while waiting for formal arrangements put in place, am sorry,
but surely you will need to have proper provisions in place via court so you know were you stand with child arrangements but more importantly so will he,

you are not being a bad person, you are protecting yourself and...your child !

And this is why having a child with someone like this is your wake-up call to get the hell out. Hopefully you won’t stick around for him to do it again. True colours are out, I’ve so much experience as have many many women to guide you that he absolutely can’t change so GO

Sorry OP pressed post on something I’d written much earlier.

Well done. The trick is to not listen to him now. Work out what you want and go from there. It’s so hard I know

So he works - 48 hours a week.
Thus you contact CMS and do it that way.

and
no more lending him money !!!

p.s. based on an annual wage of £23,000 before tax etc ( min wage ) this is what CMS estimates for you:

Your estimated child maintenance calculation
£52.93 a week or £229.19 a month

that was based on one child, with him having no other children, and him not having her overnight - as she is only one year old I wouldn't be letting her stay overnight with a dope user.

I can’t thank you all enough for the support and advise it’s really helped me be strong to know this is what I need to do for me and my girl!
im on a long journey now but for the best

Well done for getting rid of him. I can't get past your earlier post when you said he shouted at your baby.

He's only saying he wants to see your baby daily because he wants to see you and also annoy you. 50/50 custody is an attempt to continue to avoid maintenance and/or to cause you stress. He can't do 50/50 care in reality and he doesn't want to. Has he been a hands on parent doing 50/50 care up till now.? I suspect not!

What kind of a man doesn't want to contribute towards looking after his own child? He is a disgrace

I have done majority. Like every bath pretty much every bedtime, When she was little he used to say it’s good for my bonding. He’s always said to me can you cut her nails, clean her ears, etc like it’s above him. I’ve got lots of experience with kids so the excuse I’ve always made is he’s not confident. And he’s made it out like I’m just an incredible mum so I’ve just taken it and I will always do everything for her anyway.

Would you like to be told that 4 hours a week is fine for you to see your kids? Yes he may be a nasty piece of work to the OP, but don’t weaponise the kids.

Time will tell how good a father/dad he is going to be - I suspect that he wont win 'dad of the year'.

I split with 'my first abuser' - the father of my children when they were just 2 and 7 - oh he fought to have them every weekend and twice in the week, he wanted the child maintenance to be a private arrangement, he wanted passports for them as he was taking them to Disneyland.
What happened?
The first week he showed up in his car one hour late, looking quite rough and stinking of alcohol from the night before. So I was the bad guy and didn't let the children go with him.
The second week - no maintenance as agreed but he would take me to the shops and pay for some food for us all - no thank you! CSA then involved.
Third week - no show. But he turned up unexpected in the week demanding to take the eldest child as the youngest was 'a pain in his butt'.

And so it went on - after a while I was fed up with seeing my children being hurt so much by this miserable excuse for a father so I sold up and moved 300 miles away - knowing full well he would not make the effort to see them then.

Sure enough - he wrote to me and said I was denying the children a loving relationship with their father and if I sent him £30 he could put some petrol in the car and visit them.

He went on to have four more children, all with behavioural issues and never once paid a penny towards our children.

I have a feeling that your child's father will be a similar story - do everything legally and officially, no private arrangements, no bending the rules, no letting him in the house so as he can 'put her to bed' or 'read a bedtime story' - hard and fast rules at all times.

I would like to see all of these 'deadbeat dads' chemically castrated - bet that would be an incentive to help financially support their babies 😃

You can do this. You've shown real strength of character, you stuck to your guns, and despite him arguing, he did actually leave, and not long after you asked him to.
He also changed his position about bringing the baby back at 7 after you explained about bedtime, so I think there are possible grounds for discussion and compromise, and that he's someone who likes to object and make a fuss, but will ultimately compromise if it's in the interests of his child. So carry on as you are, be fair, explain your reasoning calmly, give him room to manouvre and save face and it may well settle down once he's accepted that you mean what you say.
He will need to pay CMS, tell him what the calculation would be for his earnings, and that he can either pay voluntarily ( and regularly by DD so you don't have to ask every time) or you can contact CMS to do it officially, which would he prefer?
Tell him you think him having contact at your house will be difficult for both of you, so it would be better if he had it elsewhere, and don't get drawn into arguments about court etc. If he decides he wants to take it through the courts then let him, but there is really no need. He is saying this extreme stuff to upset you, to demonstrate that he "knows his rights", to mark his territory, but it sounds as if he does love the baby and is frightened he won't see her. I think if you can keep calm you can start setting ground rules for good co-parenting with the ultimate aim of your baby having a good relationship with both parents , who both love her.

Formal arrangements need to be made here re OPs daughter. Informal is not (and was never) going to work out.

He is a deadbeat dad who smokes weed daily. He is using the child as a means of punishing the mother for having the utter gall to leave him because in his head he thinks he is a perfect specimen of manhood. These types do not know the meaning of the word love and only love their own stupid self.

So if he has done little childcare thus far, he's unlikely to want to start doing it 50-50. It's just an idle threat. You will be happier on your own. He is a waster

What a disgusting excuse of a man.
Of course you should leave him - he’s an abusive prick. Leave for your child’s sake, he sounds like he is only going to cause damage.

Your coming across as a pick me girl here. "Yes he may be a nasty piece of work to the OP, but don't weaponise the kids"

*after we had a disagreement last night about him shouting Oi at our 1 year old because he thought she was being too hyper before bed and me saying shouting will more than liking scare her and her hurt herself by falling over *

OP Don't listen to this poster, shes a pick me girl. Your protecting your child, not weaponising her

i have reverted back to my post so much yesterday he took her out for a couple of hours yesterday all was ok I kept busy at home.
im not going to lie I feel so anxious and so heartbroken (that might sound silly but all I wanted was for this to work and my family be a family)
im going to work today and just feel so tense ….
thank you again for your advice I know this is the right thing I want my girl to have two parents who love her and want the best for her but I can only control my own relationship with her.
I need to sit down and work out how this is all going to work and contact the relevant people.
he told me at drop off he doesn’t wanna loose us I didn’t engage in the conversation just said bye and shut the door then sobbed by bloody heart out 🙄

@Dery @DelphiniumBlue @Channellingsophistication @AttilaTheMeerkat @MounjaroMounjaro @TwistedWonder
I need your advice again

ended any type of a relationship with my baby’s dad following on from a post I’d previously put up….
this week he’s messaged but it’s been very on and off things like
you ok?
how’s the baby?
he finishes work at 6pm said he can be at mine by 7 to see his daughter - I said if she’s not tired I will try keep her awake so you see her for 10 mins - I’m trying to be reasonable more than I should probably - he has her on a Friday I let him have her at mine - he had her for a couple of hours on Saturday and then today I said he can just have his own plan for the day — he said he’d like us to take her the park - I constantly feel guilt so I said yeah In the week - today he’s come to mine and has a massive downer look on I asked what’s wrong he said nothing as usual I said do you wanna talk cause I feel like you’re misunderstood how this is all now he said he gets it then it’s all started he’s gonna contact my ex ask how I made his life hell. He wants his telly back he wants her on his days off screw what I want… I can’t stop him seeing her or I’m using her as a weapon … I’m soooo cross right now I just don’t know how to deal with this ….

He’s a dickhead. He’s abusive. He’s unkind to your daughter.

do you need more???

Sorry I didn’t read the updates. Well done for leaving this arsehole.

Informal arrangements were never going to work out because this is who he is; a deadbeat dad and a weed smoker to boot.

I would formalise all contact arrangements going forward via the courts. No more he coming around to your place sniffing around (he wants to keep an eye on you) and or otherwise being annoying towards you. If he wants to see his child that much he can see her in a contact centre. I would also submit a CMS claim asap.

What he says and what he actually does regarding the 50-50 custody will be completely different. Build a life for yourself away from him and it will be the best thing you ever do.