How did you get proof your partner was cheating?

[woodpeckersounds]

Just that. I have my suspicions but I just don’t know how to prove it. We don’t live together so it’s very easy for him to do it, if he is.

Sometimes he can be very reassuring, and I say to him how happy it’s made me and then the effect of that makes us happier. But more often than not, he’s not reassuring at all and just gets angry which makes my suspicions worse.

I know I’m probably not making much sense because I just can’t explain it. I know people say your gut is always right, but I have to have proof so I can’t be made out to be crazy. One girl I think he may have been speaking to, I’m so tempted to message but I’m paranoid she’s going to tell him I’ve messaged her and, as above, I’ll be the crazy, “toxic” one.

Deep down I don’t think he would do it to me, but actions speak louder than words in my opinion and I just need to know either way. He says I’m paranoid and negative, which maybe I am, but if he constantly reassured me and made me feel safe then I wouldn’t be. I don’t accuse him of cheating on me, I’ll just ask questions of where he’s been and things like that. Or he’ll lie about staying at a mates house and then get angry with me when I find out. Argh my head is in turmoil 😔 Thank you.

His friend told me and he finally admitted it.

For me: the first time, the OM's wife knocked on our door, said, "Your wife's been shagging my husband," then I found some incriminating texts which nailed it. The second time: the OM (same one, a few months later) must have fucked up because his wife got access to his emails. She printed them out and mailed them to my place of work. My wife knew they were on the way, and didn't have a hope of denial when I told her I'd received them.

DO NOT make an accusation without undeniable proof. Seriously. If he denies it, you'll be in complete, horrible limbo and, if he was having an affair, he'll start covering his tracks more carefully. There are probably websites which can give some good advice on what to do when you have suspicion or even evidence, but not proof.

I found hotel bookings and receipts. Also the recent files on the computer that had synced from his phone was very interesting. (Idiot)

I had known for some time by then since he forgot the family Apple devices were all linked to show location. (Double idiot, but useful when ducks need lining up)

But I gut feeling knew before then.

Just be aware also, when you DO have UNDENIABLE proof, he may deny it anyway and insist you're crazy. Yep😭

I WAS driven crazy and ended up by putting a tiny voice recorder in the car and under the sofa at home.
Not my finest moment but I just had to get more. He still denied it🤣🤣

If you have reasonable suspicion, it's perfectly fair to do that.

Yes, this is mumsnet, where tracking your partner, hiring PI's, hacking phones and email etc is all far more rational than a simple "I don't trust you, therefore we're done".

@XDownwiththissortofthingX : Covert surveillance of your partner is an awful thing to contemplate, and domestic abusers do it but, in extreme cases, it's a regrettable necessity. I should point out that my bar for reasonable suspicion would be pretty high.

So your surveillance turns up nothing. Great. Your relationship is saved and in perfect health.

Except is isn't, because even if you accept the evidence on face value and conclude your partner isn't up to anything, rather than the more common outcome of just maintaining that they've hidden it so well you didn't find anything, congratulations, you have totally destroyed their right to privacy, and they would now be perfectly justified in booting you to the kerb.

If you don't have implicit trust, you don't have a relationship to begin with. It's no more complicated than that.

Do you have access to his phone? If he’s lying about where he was - do you know where he really was, who with? Just the fact he’s lying should be enough though….

@XDownwiththissortofthingX : When my wife's bit on the side's wife made a direct accusation, my wife denied it, and I accepted that because I'd seen no documentary evidence. Within 12 hours, I had nagging doubts and invaded her privacy (I'm not being sarcastic; that's what I did) by going through her phone, where I found strong evidence, which she didn't deny. That's an example of what "invasion of privacy" actually looks like.

@Eric1964

Within 12 hours, I had nagging doubts

At which point your relationship is done. Whether you found anything on her phone or not is neither here nor there. The fact you doubted enough to check is the indication that your relationship is holed below the waterline, and even then, do you honestly believe that if you had found nothing on the phone at all you'd have simply shrugged the doubts off and moved on without always wondering "what if?"

I get the whole "need to know" thing, it's understandable because no human being wants to be left hanging. What I don't understand is needing to know being the determining factor in choosing whether to continue or end a relationship, because a relationship that isn't robust enough that you'd have doubts about it in the first place isn't a credible proposition.

To be honest, I also think some people actually thrive on the drama, and couldn't cope with a relationship where there isn't actually a whole load of suspicion, mistrust, jealously, paranoia and doubt. I know a few people whose relationships are invariably like this, jumping from one clusterfuck to another, and the only conclusion you can realistically draw is that they actually prefer it like this.

I think it's called being innocent until proven guilty.

Maybe @Eric1964 thought she deserved a fair trial.

It really isn’t OK.

Why?

@woodpeckersounds You sound confused and bewildered by your partner's behaviour. Do you have someone you trust, maybe older than you, that you could confide in and have a good talk with?

Or he’ll lie about staying at a mates house and then get angry with me when I find out.

You don't trust him.
He lies to you.
This relationship is toxic and unhealthy.

So you can track him and turn up at his house unexpectedly or follow him in a mac & sunglasses... or you could just dump his sorry arse.

Life is too short to spend it fretting over whether some guy is sticking his dick in someone else.

1. Well in some circumstances it is illegal.
2. It never stops- once people start they never stop the secret surveillance. There is never enough evidence for the “checker” to realise or admit they have got it wrong.
3. It’s hypocritical, because the “checker” doesn’t accept that surveillance is in and of itself relationship ending behaviour.
4. It destroys the dignity of both people
5. It is a shameful thing to do.

My current boyfriend has recently added a privacy screen to his phone. He has no notifications, has Face ID to open all his apps and generally doesn’t share anything with me about who he is messaging & why. I’m don’t know if I’m being mad, but it doesn’t sit right. I’m too old to be insecure about a phone. My phone is so open, messages pop up & I have nothing to hide.

Apart from 2, I can't really disagree with any of that. When I'm on my deathbed, I'll let you know which of us is right.

As soon as my husband started acuseing me off cheating and he kept on acuseing me for months on end and one day he left his phone on the bed and it started ringing with her name and number

Transactions on bank statements (at a time when people still received paper copies) which related to things I hadn’t been told about & emails in ‘bin’ so deleted but not completely deleted.

I do understand why people say you shouldn’t invade privacy but you also shouldn’t cheat and lie. I also understand 2 wrongs don’t make a right but if you have enough things that don’t add up & someone is being very secretive then I do think having a quick look ONCE for evidence is justified but I know that isn’t a widely held belief.

In my limited experience of being cheated on, behaviour around phones becomes very different when someone is cheating. It never leaves their side, they are on it more, more message notifications or suddenly on silent when it didn’t used to be, being put face down etc.

Relationships aren't legal trials taking place in a judicial court system.

Because it completely ignores your partner's right to privacy, and shows that you are entirely willing to ignore their rights to sate your own curiosity, i.e. you plainly don't respect them enough to actually uphold their rights within a relationship.

At that point, you are a problematic and toxic partner, not just your partner who might, or might not have done something untoward themselves.

Even if you do find your "evidence", you are in no different a position than if you had simply said "I no longer trust you, therefore I am leaving this relationship".

Picked up the unsynced Apple Watch when he left for the football. Boom.