How did you get proof your partner was cheating?

[woodpeckersounds]

Just that. I have my suspicions but I just don’t know how to prove it. We don’t live together so it’s very easy for him to do it, if he is.

Sometimes he can be very reassuring, and I say to him how happy it’s made me and then the effect of that makes us happier. But more often than not, he’s not reassuring at all and just gets angry which makes my suspicions worse.

I know I’m probably not making much sense because I just can’t explain it. I know people say your gut is always right, but I have to have proof so I can’t be made out to be crazy. One girl I think he may have been speaking to, I’m so tempted to message but I’m paranoid she’s going to tell him I’ve messaged her and, as above, I’ll be the crazy, “toxic” one.

Deep down I don’t think he would do it to me, but actions speak louder than words in my opinion and I just need to know either way. He says I’m paranoid and negative, which maybe I am, but if he constantly reassured me and made me feel safe then I wouldn’t be. I don’t accuse him of cheating on me, I’ll just ask questions of where he’s been and things like that. Or he’ll lie about staying at a mates house and then get angry with me when I find out. Argh my head is in turmoil 😔 Thank you.

At which point, though, they're not in a happy relationship.

The other person might not have cheated but they're still not happy.

A constant state of anxiety, high alert or misery is not better for anyone than just being single.

@XDownwiththissortofthingX

It’s simply a matter of opinion. Or don’t other people’s opinion matter to you?

You can’t keep brow beating certain people on here, so they WILL agree with you.

Not that I’m interested, but you really seem to have a chip on your shoulder about it.

We do have differences of opinion here. What can we say to help the OP? I think the only thing constructive thing I can contribute - and I'm happy to admit this, and I don't really care what strangers think of me - is that, when I discovered my wife's infidelity, we should have divorced. A long time has passed - 15 years - and I've had a lot of unhappiness and I have to ask myself, was it worth it? So, OP, perhaps listen to @XDownwiththissortofthingX and others when they say that, when the trust has gone, you don't have a relationship. Project yourself 15 years into the future - how might you feel when you're that much nearer the grave?

Eg, I'd been seeing someone for 7 months or so and we went out for the day with his adult daughter. She took some photos and he was 'bothered' that she'd put a photo of us on SM because his ex gf of more than a year might see it.

@GreyCarpetyep this resonates with me. I feel as though everyone else’s feelings come before my own. He refuses to post anything about me on social media (I know it’s only SM, and it’s not a big deal) and when I say it’s I think it’s because he wants to come across as single and not upset his ex, he says I’m being jealous and paranoid. But a few years ago, the shoe was on the other foot. I never refused to post anything about him, but he desperately wanted us to “be in a relationship” on there. I said it’s only SM why does it matter? He said it mattered to him so I did it. For him. Because I love him and wanted him to feel secure. But he will not give me the same in return and it really upsets me. He now has our relationship status hidden.

@Eric1964thank you for your comments. I am very confused but I’ve learned not to get friends and family involved as it just doesn’t turn out well. I try not to speak about my relationship to anyone because I want advice and not to be told what to do.

I wouldn’t use a voice recorder on him or anything like that. It feels very controlling and just not right. I wouldn’t like it if he did that to me but then I’ve got nothing to hide so he wouldn’t hear anything incriminating or exciting from me!

I think I just need to have another conversation with him about how he needs to be with me. I am very insecure. I never used to be. But I am now. Of course it’s my job to fix that, but he needs to contribute otherwise I’m just fighting a losing battle. He tells me he loves me and I believe him, but they’re just words. I need his actions to speak. If he can’t do it then sadly I think it is going to have to be the end 😔

I do agree with posters when they’re saying that, about once the trust is gone so is the relationship. But I’m trying to work out if it’s him that is actually being unfaithful, or if it’s my own head and insecurities. I do not want to chuck something away for just not giving my head a wobble.

But, I know how I deserve to be treated. I want him to treat me like how I treat him. I want him to love me like I love him. He says he does but he doesn’t always show it. I’ve never felt about anyone before like I do him, so I know I want to make sure I can make this work as long as it’s just my head telling me things are happening that aren’t. I’m not even sure if I’m making sense, but I do not want to push him away if he is 100% innocent.

I found a hotel booking for a romantic weekend away in his workbag for dates I was away already.
Wasn't even snooping + I wouldn't have found it if he didn't keep leaving his lunch box in there + expecting me to do his sandwiches every day - karma!

The philosopher Alain de Botton has excellent things to say regarding how many of us have a much stronger need for constant reassurance than we'd perhaps like to admit. His organisation is called The School Of Life and you may find some useful content on YouTube.

Thank you @Eric1964 I will take a look at that. Also I forgot to say, sorry to you and all the other posters who have been on the receiving end of all of this. It really is the worst form of betrayal 😔

And that is great and your opinion and view of life - and not my place to say it’s right or wrong. your comment came across very judgmental and as I suspected from someone who hasn’t experienced. Therefore my point was show grace to those who have experienced something different than you - cheating often comes with gaslighting where people start doubting themselves and feel their reality shift often suddenly and have difficulty understanding how they ended up in that position.
some people require proof because they unlike you said in your comment don’t subscribe by the if I don’t know there is no consequence. They see it differently. Not saying yours is wrong just different. Hence my comment. Being gaslit can feel so debilitating and when you look back once you have overcome it you don’t even recognise who you were at that time. I know this is the internet but the internet is what we make of it - and we can offer opinion without judgement. Let’s not minimise people’s experiences with it’s not that complicated. That’s all I’m saying. Have a good day.

He left his laptop open. I searched for her name. Already knew there was an issue but he was denying it had become sexual. I found messages that proved it had. Ended things the next day.

Loving someone is only part of the equation.

This is one of theist important things for me

I need his actions to speak. If he can’t do it then sadly I think it is going to have to be the end

Everyone has their own relationship needs and wants. A friend of mine once described what she wanted a relationship to look like when we were both single and discussing it . What she actively wanted sounded dysfunctional and like a co-dependent nightmare to me But then I need a fair bit of independence in a relationship.

Anyway, she is in a relationship now with a lovely woman who is perfect for her and they are both very happy.

But finding someone who meets your relationship needs is crucial. Just loving each other isn't enough.

Gut instinct.
Probably slight change in behaviour.
Downloaded his old phone bills. Went back years.
Found several 5.30 am phone calls to same number.

Called the number, and Chinese lady confirmed it.
Then she called the H and told him I was a mad woman.
Too right I was.

I am the same with my phone. It's because I have confidential chats with my friends. Not because I'm cheating.

Girl messaged me about my ex.

The night of his 30th bday (!!!!!!), he was texting her dk pics from the party that I organised.

What did he say to me ??? That he didn't send them.

And any nudes she sent him was because she just surprised him with pictures and it wasn't his fault lol 😆

@Faulksonline

He doesn't sound like a good 'un, no

Sorry - @woodpeckersounds - I bought a tag with GPS, stuck it on his car and hey presto, problem solved. Fuck how it's against the law etc - I knew, couldn't prove it and was told I was crazy and gaslighted etc. Then I dumped him. Safetag tracking was great, cheap and worth the risk.

Well lucky you for having such great radar that you've picked good people and not had to resort to anything else, months down the line where you're being told you're nuts, being gaslighted and abused. Kudos. 🙂

Thank you everyone for your comments. It was, in fact, confirmed to me last night that he had been cheating on me. I contacted the girls I had suspicions about and they both confirmed it. Gutted. Absolutely gutted. But at least I know now I guess 😔 I’m still the toxic one though of course for even contacting them. I’m vile. I’m such a horrible person… but him? Not even one apology. It’s all about how I’m the bad one 😔

Morning, OP. I'm really sorry to hear that.

It's horrible second guessing your gut feeling only to find out you were right after all.

You don't live together, so there's no need to talk to him about it anymore. You're never going to get the apology. He's not worth it.

Take care of yourself now.

Sorry to hear that - at least you know the truth now and you know you're morally correct even if you're the 'toxic' one - which is BS obviously, hope you can move on with your head held high x

I think those of us who have experienced cheating know it's not as black and white as some people make out.

The thing with cheaters is, their gas lighting behaviour makes you think that there is something wrong with YOU, and not the relationship. You ask if everything is OK and get told, "of course it is, why wouldn't it be? What is wrong with you?"

So you start to doubt yourself. You question if you're going mad. You think maybe you should go to the GP and talk about depression or anxiety because there's obviously something wrong with you.

Meanwhile, your partner carries on with weird behaviour that you can't quite pinpoint. Shutting down screens whenever you enter the room, acting cold and distant with you for no apparent reason.

So in that situation, sure, maybe if you're a really strong person who is noble and wonderful etc etc you can do "the right thing" and just end the relationship because it's not making you happy. Well done. Gold star.

Except, your confidence is now rock bottom because you've been convinced that everything is in your head. Why would you break apart your family for that? Think about what it would do to your children.

In your anxiety driven state where you no longer know what is true and what isn't, you seek out cold hard proof. So you "invade their privacy". You immediately feel guilty. You know it's wrong. But ultimately, it's a choice you were driven to out of desperation and anxiety.

I sincerely hope that the "holier than thou" posters on this thread are NEVER put in that situation. It was one of the worst moments of my life. An utter low point. One I am still reeling from 3 years later.

I’m so sorry you are going through this.

Completely ignore anything he says if he thinks you’re so shit for contacting them, then obviously he would want the relationship to end because he doesn’t want a crap girlfriend.

He’s mad because you aren’t a doormat and took action.

Really don’t get entangled in his crazy. His good opinion is not something that you should be interested in. He’s trash and you are way better off having him out of your life.

If you do not trust him then why do you need proof? You can get rid if you want to any time you like, evidence or not.

I agree. In fact I’ve wondered if the poster has a pulse.

@LittleAlexHornesPocket

Perfectly put!

I hope you have better days soon. 💐